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Feeling hopeless for my adult homeless son
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 653272" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Caybre, this path you are on with your son is unhealthy for both of you. The only one who is going to stop it is <u>you,</u> he is getting a free ride so he will not stop it. <u>You</u> must. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. It sounds as if you are no longer helping your son, you are enabling him. You are doing things for him he should be doing for himself. He is a grown man. Even with bi-polar and addiction he is making the choices that keep him stuck where he is. You cannot save him. You didn't cause this. You can't fix it. You can't control it. All you can do is learn how to respond differently and usually that takes us getting professional support to do that.</p><p></p><p>Detachment is a difficult path and most of us need help to do it. I would strongly suggest you contact NAMI. They have excellent courses for parents, you will get help, guidance and information. You can access them online. It may also be prudent for you to get yourself in to a 12 step program, like Narc Anon or Families Anonymous or find a private therapist who can help you face the guilt and the sorrow that this brings to us. We all feel guilty about having to detach from our kids, but there comes a time where there isn't any more we can do, <em>it is up to your son to change.</em> Guilt will keep you stuck helping him and he will use it to manipulate you to continue paying for his lifestyle and his choices.</p><p></p><p>Letting go does not mean you do not love him. Of course you love him, but at 27 he is a grown man capable of making his own choices.......letting go means you love yourself enough to take care of you and allow him to take care of himself. You've parented him and given him tools to live, he is choosing not to use those tools, but to use<u> you</u> instead. This is unhealthy.</p><p></p><p>Now is the time to begin to take the focus you've had on your son and place it on to yourself. It is time to separate his needs from your needs, your needs are the priority for you, his needs are the priority for him. Letting go is tough, it is not a natural feeling when our kids are troubled, but enabling your son will only keep this situation going indefinitely and it is not hard to hear in your tone that you are at the end of your rope. Usually that is when WE change and WE begin the process of detachment. When we are sick and tired of being sick and tired.</p><p></p><p>Boundaries are what needs to happen now. Saying no. Refraining from responding to all of his requests, which as you mentioned are relentless. Tell him you know he can figure it out and begin to step back. It will feel pretty bad at first and he will likely up the ante calling you every name in the book and threatening and crying and acting out in every possible way........it will all be to get you back to helping him. You will likely need help to get through that part. It's not easy to say NO, when we've been saying yes for many years. We feel awful doing it, but it is necessary to break this cycle and to begin to get YOUR life back.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry you are going through this. Your story is much like all of ours. Keep posting, get yourself support as soon as you can, begin the process of detaching and take very good care of YOU now. Do kind and nurturing things for YOU. You are depleted and exhausted from giving and giving and giving......it is time to give to yourself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 653272, member: 13542"] Caybre, this path you are on with your son is unhealthy for both of you. The only one who is going to stop it is [U]you,[/U] he is getting a free ride so he will not stop it. [U]You[/U] must. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. It sounds as if you are no longer helping your son, you are enabling him. You are doing things for him he should be doing for himself. He is a grown man. Even with bi-polar and addiction he is making the choices that keep him stuck where he is. You cannot save him. You didn't cause this. You can't fix it. You can't control it. All you can do is learn how to respond differently and usually that takes us getting professional support to do that. Detachment is a difficult path and most of us need help to do it. I would strongly suggest you contact NAMI. They have excellent courses for parents, you will get help, guidance and information. You can access them online. It may also be prudent for you to get yourself in to a 12 step program, like Narc Anon or Families Anonymous or find a private therapist who can help you face the guilt and the sorrow that this brings to us. We all feel guilty about having to detach from our kids, but there comes a time where there isn't any more we can do, [I]it is up to your son to change.[/I] Guilt will keep you stuck helping him and he will use it to manipulate you to continue paying for his lifestyle and his choices. Letting go does not mean you do not love him. Of course you love him, but at 27 he is a grown man capable of making his own choices.......letting go means you love yourself enough to take care of you and allow him to take care of himself. You've parented him and given him tools to live, he is choosing not to use those tools, but to use[U] you[/U] instead. This is unhealthy. Now is the time to begin to take the focus you've had on your son and place it on to yourself. It is time to separate his needs from your needs, your needs are the priority for you, his needs are the priority for him. Letting go is tough, it is not a natural feeling when our kids are troubled, but enabling your son will only keep this situation going indefinitely and it is not hard to hear in your tone that you are at the end of your rope. Usually that is when WE change and WE begin the process of detachment. When we are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Boundaries are what needs to happen now. Saying no. Refraining from responding to all of his requests, which as you mentioned are relentless. Tell him you know he can figure it out and begin to step back. It will feel pretty bad at first and he will likely up the ante calling you every name in the book and threatening and crying and acting out in every possible way........it will all be to get you back to helping him. You will likely need help to get through that part. It's not easy to say NO, when we've been saying yes for many years. We feel awful doing it, but it is necessary to break this cycle and to begin to get YOUR life back. I am sorry you are going through this. Your story is much like all of ours. Keep posting, get yourself support as soon as you can, begin the process of detaching and take very good care of YOU now. Do kind and nurturing things for YOU. You are depleted and exhausted from giving and giving and giving......it is time to give to yourself. [/QUOTE]
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Feeling hopeless for my adult homeless son
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