Feeling hopeless....

[mykidsmom]

Hi everyone. I found this page today & believe me, it is an answer to prayer! My 47 year old son who is addicted to drugs & alcohol, homeless and still needs to register for a Domestic Violence class has taken me to my breaking point.
For the past few years he has been able to get through life without my help, but recently he showed up on my doorstep. I let him in, gave his something to eat and allowed him to take a shower. *I've learned the hard way (but somehow manage to forget) that if you give someone who is a "taker" an inch, they'll go a mile.
For the past 30 years he's been
in & out of jail
lived with his uncle
survived a bad accident that severed his liver & the doctor brought him back to life twice
became angry & didn't want to follow our rules and moved out
lost one of his younger brother, who was murdered 15 years ago
became a dad
married another woman who was mean spirited
went into a 1 year program for homelessness & addictions but left after 6 months
became a widow
has been beaten up & hospitalized twice
and still hasn't hit rock bottom!!

Yesterday, I realized that I am not doing him any good by entertaining his phone calls, uninvited visits and his outbursts as he talks to his (now) girlfriend on his phone. I called the police and asked them to remove *my son* from my property. Other than burying my other son, it is undoubtedly the hardest thing I've ever done.

And then, I found your page. This is an answer to prayer.

 

[newstart]

My heart hurts for you. For many reasons and on many levels. I too lost a son to death. The pain is overwhelming. He was a good son, intelligent, on the right track, kind, honest and a contributing member to society. I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your son.
My daughter is 38, chooses not to take medication, treats me like dirt, lies all the time, uses people, treats people so bad that they are suicidal and then laughs about it. Gets a lot of pleasure out of giving 'dupers delight' and thinks she hit the jack pot when she thinks you believe her lies. To me, this is harder than burying my son because I see no end or better or change. The wound is always open and the salt is always ready to be be poured in. My daughter is alive yet chooses to act like this. . .She has the gift of life yet chooses to be disrespectful and devious.

You have done more and beyond what your son deserves.. I think us bereaved mom's cut our other living children way too much slack since we want to hold on to the life that is there. The precious life that we know can be gone quickly. I pray for you deeply as I understand your broken heart all too well. But in reality the off track adults (grown adults) are A.H.s that we would never choose to be in our circle.
We deserve, well deserve a good life, not listening to the constant garbage and self made drama that follows these off track adults with psychopathic traits. There is an imaging that I do in my mind where I release her to God. I have put in my time.
(I know I sound rough and tough but I cry everyday). I pray you have the strength to make distance or move away and do not leave a forwarding address. Welcome and I know others will be here to circle their wagons around your broken heart.

 

[overcome mom]

So sorry to hear all you have gone through. I don't think our children, no matter how old they are, have any idea all the pain they put us through. They are so self involved they can't see the consequences of their actions beyond how it immediately effects them. As far as hitting bottom I think some people never do. With my son he has lived his life this way for so long I don't know if he can even imagine another way of life. Please try not to feel bad for having your son leave your home. There is no reason for both of you to go down the hole. He has chosen this way of life and just because he is your child you don't have to choose it too.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Mama Bear

Welcome to you. I want to tell you how much I support you, how you are making strong and clear boundaries, and establishing your own life as a zone where you are safe, can define and enforce your needs, and to begin the process of healing. You will find the rest of us here dealing with our version of the challenges you describe. It is a long haul because all of us continue to love our adult children, and to try in the way that we can to support them, if we can. It's kind of like a teeter totter, where we struggle to find an equillibrium where we don't crash to the ground, but can still find a way to express our love to them, if we can.

 

[mykidsmom]

Thank you all so much for your responses. Newstart, I too am sorry for your loss. I've learned over the past 15 years that while there's breath in their lungs & their heart is beating - there's always hope.

The hardest time for me seems to be at night; after the sun goes down and lights go on. I try not to dwell on the thoughts of "is he okay?" "Is he safe & warm?" "What if I'm making a mistake & he should be here, with me?" I have trouble falling asleep with those thoughts running through my mind. Last night, I started singing songs I would sing to him when he was little, like "this little light of mine" or "Jesus loves me" and finally drifted off to sleep but of course, woke up a few times.

I still can't express how much this forum means to me. I have other friends I can talk to, but it's not the same. Until I found you all, who are going through the same or similar situations as me, I just kept my deepest thoughts inside me. Now, I feel like I can say what's on my heart & in my mind and you all will truly understand. Thank you, so much, for being transparent with your trials & challenges.

I hope you all have a blessed day!

 

[RN0441]

Welcome!

So glad you found us. You will find strength, wisdom and compassion here. Many of us have been down the same road as you in one form or another. Every story is different but they are the same in that we all love our adult children.

You are doing the right thing by not enabling your son. That does NOT mean you do not love him. Your son is almost 50 years old!! He has to find his own way although by now he should have done that several times over which I'm sure you know.

My best advice is to give it to God. Find peace for yourself as you've raised your kids!! That's not something we have to do our entire lives. It's not fair that he is taking your peace. You deserve that.

Stay strong, keep posting and reading and it will change you and make you stronger. Take what you need and leave the rest!

 

[SeekingStrength]

Welcome Mama Bear,

Stay close; this forum can be a lifeline some days.......full of wisdom and love...from folks who totally understand.

SS

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi and I am so sorry for your hurting heart. There is nothing easy about this.

I lost a young son to cancer, a handsome, smart, happy boy that will live in my heart forever. And I let go of a daughter who was destroying the entire family. I used Al Anon and a therapist to make it to where I am today. Please do treat yourself well and get help for yourself. Your son and my daughter may never do well, but WE still can. Nobody can make us happy but ourselves and God, if you believe.

Hugs and prayers. Update us.

 

[MissLulu]

Hello and welcome. I'm so glad you found us. I love this forum and have found much comfort here. I hope you find the same. Many of us are in, or have been in, similar situations to your own. You will find much understanding and support here.

Keep posting!

 

[JMom]

Hi Mama Bear,
I found this forum 5 years ago. My son was 20 and homeless. I credit this forum to help me recover from enabling and untangle myself from his chaos. He is now functioning on his own with gainful employment, an apartment (the rent is more than my mortgage) and seems to be happy. I am happy because I am well. I was not so well when I came here. Keep posting, as another member told me 5 years ago- This is your soft place to land. There are train wrecks all around us but that doesn't make us responsible to fix them. We can love from afar, sometimes it is the kindest thing we can do.

Hugs,
JMOM

 

[JayPee]

I'm so sorry for your suffering. My prayers are with you.

Keep posting and reading posts. I have no doubt you will find wisdom and strength here!

 

[Beta]

Welcome MykidsMom. This forum has been a lifesaver for me so I am always thrilled when some other hurting parent finds it. What you did was so hard but it took a great deal of love and strength to do it.