Filed missing report

Helpless29

Well-Known Member
I been on here since my so was 15 teen , he just turned 20 few days ago & im still on this rollercoaster of hurt , disappoint, anger worry , frustration. My last post was a few months ago , my son had got out of jail & found another sober living home, once again he was able to get back on his feet, got a job , joined the YMCA was working out & was clean about 4 months . Few days ago he relapsed told me he was using meth , few guys he knew took him to detox , he spent a few days there & went back to sober living . Told me he wanted to leave to a place called Sober living America in Jacksonville Florida, said they were more strict & he needed that & he wanted to start a new better life for himself . His dad got him a greyhound ticket & we haven’t heard from him since . He never made it there. Guys at sober living place that he was staying at said that he went out & was calling them at 4am drunk 2 days ago but no one seen or heard from him since then , they went looking for him. We called greyhound they said ticket was used but where could he have gone?? I have no clue if he’s in Daytona or Jacksonville roaming around , he has no money , just carrying a duffle bag of clothes . I filed a missing report last night , we called hospitals, looked on jail website but nothing. I’m so worried, no one has had no contact with him at all .I been calling his phone like crazy & sending text messages & no response . I can’t take this . My mind is going crazy
 
I been on here since my so was 15 teen , he just turned 20 few days ago & im still on this rollercoaster of hurt , disappoint, anger worry , frustration. My last post was a few months ago , my son had got out of jail & found another sober living home, once again he was able to get back on his feet, got a job , joined the YMCA was working out & was clean about 4 months . Few days ago he relapsed told me he was using meth , few guys he knew took him to detox , he spent a few days there & went back to sober living . Told me he wanted to leave to a place called Sober living America in Jacksonville Florida, said they were more strict & he needed that & he wanted to start a new better life for himself . His dad got him a greyhound ticket & we haven’t heard from him since . He never made it there. Guys at sober living place that he was staying at said that he went out & was calling them at 4am drunk 2 days ago but no one seen or heard from him since then , they went looking for him. We called greyhound they said ticket was used but where could he have gone?? I have no clue if he’s in Daytona or Jacksonville roaming around , he has no money , just carrying a duffle bag of clothes . I filed a missing report last night , we called hospitals, looked on jail website but nothing. I’m so worried, no one has had no contact with him at all .I been calling his phone like crazy & sending text messages & no response . I can’t take this . My mind is going crazy
Are you able to track his location with his cellphone? For example, Verizon has a family service that gives you the location of each person on the accounts phone without them having to share the location with you. Just for peace of mind since you feel his life may be in danger. Doesn't work if the phone is off and sometimes it's a while before they reconnect to the Internet work and get their phone charged. I only recommend this if you feel their life is in danger.

The light of hops is that He has made it through these things on his own before dozens of times. You checked the police and hospitals so he is most likely hooked up with some other "free spirits" on the street and possibly avoiding you guys since he got the ticket to Jacksonville. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that Florida in January is not a bad place to be, these things are out of your control and maybe think of attending a nar-anon family meeting via zoom - it helps. Try the calm app for meditation and breathe. You've done everything within your power, it is out of your control. Be kind to yourself and find time to rest your mind from the worry.
 

Helpless29

Well-Known Member
Are you able to track his location with his cellphone? For example, Verizon has a family service that gives you the location of each person on the accounts phone without them having to share the location with you. Just for peace of mind since you feel his life may be in danger. Doesn't work if the phone is off and sometimes it's a while before they reconnect to the Internet work and get their phone charged. I only recommend this if you feel their life is in danger.

The light of hops is that He has made it through these things on his own before dozens of times. You checked the police and hospitals so he is most likely hooked up with some other "free spirits" on the street and possibly avoiding you guys since he got the ticket to Jacksonville. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that Florida in January is not a bad place to be, these things are out of your control and maybe think of attending a nar-anon family meeting via zoom - it helps. Try the calm app for meditation and breathe. You've done everything within your power, it is out of your control. Be kind to yourself and find time to rest your mind from the worry.
The phone he has was from one of the guys from the sober living house , it’s those free government phones not sure of the service or anything. I’m trying to tell myself this has happened plenty of times to ease my mind but I think this time I feel worst because this is his first time shooting up meth. Im trying not to let these horrible thoughts or pictures run through my mind of what could be happening. My mind is going crazy
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
dear helpless

i am so sorry.

you must do whatever it takes to disengage. indeed shooting up meth ups the ante. I have read that kicking IV meth is more difficult (but certainly doable). your son knows this. he did it anyway.

you risk causing yourself and your family greater hurt if you stay connected to him on his blow-by-blow descent.

i believe you must now focus on your own recovery, not his. and do whatever it takes. such as posting here every day. many times a day.

up until now, you come here when things flare up. this may feel like it works but it doesn't. and there are al anon. or counseling. all of these things if need be.

you cannot help your son. he must help himself. when he is ready.

clearly. the question here is if you are ready to do what you need to do that you don’t continue suffering like this. For you. Not him. He will and can do for himself—if he chooses. i am so sorry helpless.
 
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The phone he has was from one of the guys from the sober living house , it’s those free government phones not sure of the service or anything. I’m trying to tell myself this has happened plenty of times to ease my mind but I think this time I feel worst because this is his first time shooting up meth. Im trying not to let these horrible thoughts or pictures run through my mind of what could be happening. My mind is going crazy
Hey helpless, how are you doing? Thinking of you this morning.
 

Helpless29

Well-Known Member
Hey helpless, how are you doing? Thinking of you this morning.
I filed missing report in Daytona & in Jacksonville, never thought I would be sending pictures to officers of my missing son . I can’t take this , I can’t . I’m just picturing him beat up or dead somewhere . I can’t stop crying!!
 
I filed missing report in Daytona & in Jacksonville, never thought I would be sending pictures to officers of my missing son . I can’t take this , I can’t . I’m just picturing him beat up or dead somewhere . I can’t stop crying!!
Helpless. I wish I had read this sooner. You're where many of us have been and you just need to let it out, then try splashing some cold water on your face and even getting a cool cloth for your forehead. Get into a comfortable position and try to relax your body. It helps to remember that these thoughts are just that - thoughts - they have not happened in real life. In today's age of instantaneous information, even a one day delay feels like a lifetime. Remind yourself - he has gotten himself through every bad day that he has alive, he made it through JAIL (which is probably more dangerous than the street). It is probably something simple - he has no way to charge his phone. He is getting by right now without reaching out to you. He is probably in his addiction right now...he can't call you bc he doesn't want you to be disappointed that he didn't go to rehab like he promised. If he doesn't call you, then he avoids the painful truth that he has failed you again. What you need to do right now immediately is what Copa said and work on helping yourself. Forgive yourself for any unnecessary guilt that you are carrying, remind yourself that only HE can live his life and make his good or bad decisions. You will survive this. We all have good and bad days. Try meditating and breathing. I know when we are all tense and upset the last thing you want to do is breathe, but you would be amazed at how much your body needs deep breaths. I get frustrated bc I have gone through similar feelings and then I tell myself - he's probably having the time of his life right now and I'm sitting here dying. He made the decision to make his life like this. He had opportunities to fix it and he made the choice not to. It has nothing to do with us as parents. The best thing you can do for yourself is to try to distract yourself this evening with something else such as watching a funny movie, taking a nice bubble bath, reading a book, calling a friend, or just pampering yourself and relaxing because you need that right now. I will keep thinking of you.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Why is happening… why??

Just a few days ago we’re we’re talking on the phone , he was doing so good
It is happening because he has been a drug user for some time. It is happening because he did not sustain his recovery. It is happening because he is impulsive and on some level, he believes he is invulnerable.

He may have been doing "good" but that does not mean he did not want the drug and indulged his craving. He does not want recovery in the same way that you want it for him. He wants it until he wants the drug more.

All of us are in the same boat. We want things for our children that they do not want (enough) for themselves. This is exactly my own situation. I am completely flummoxed why my son doesn't want (enough) to live in a house, to be warm, to have self-respect, and the respect of others. There is only one reason why. He doesn't want it enough. He may never. These are my wants for him. Not his for himself. Until we get it through our head that they don't want what we want we will suffer endlessly and terribly.

I still suffer endlessly and terribly. I guess that is the truth. But at least I know why. And I have days and hours where I do not suffer at all. If I tell the truth. But today is not one of them. My son is homeless in the terrible rain and cold. I went to look for him, without luck.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
He’s probably too ashamed to contact you. He knows he let you down.

I’m so sorry this scenario keeps repeating itself. You want his recovery more than he does. He simply doesn’t want it badly enough. He needs to figure out why he can stay clean for only a month, then relapse. Maybe he’s bipolar cycling every few weeks? Was he ever diagnosed with bipolar disorder? It seems every few weeks it once a month, something happens in his brain that makes him throw away his success and go back to drinking or using drugs. I’m not saying everyone who uses drugs is mentally ill, but something is driving this inside him.
 
It is happening because he has been a drug user for some time. It is happening because he did not sustain his recovery. It is happening because he is impulsive and on some level, he believes he is invulnerable.

He may have been doing "good" but that does not mean he did not want the drug and indulged his craving. He does not want recovery in the same way that you want it for him. He wants it until he wants the drug more.

All of us are in the same boat. We want things for our children that they do not want (enough) for themselves. This is exactly my own situation. I am completely flummoxed why my son doesn't want (enough) to live in a house, to be warm, to have self-respect, and the respect of others. There is only one reason why. He doesn't want it enough. He may never. These are my wants for him. Not his for himself. Until we get it through our head that they don't want what we want we will suffer endlessly and terribly.

I still suffer endlessly and terribly. I guess that is the truth. But at least I know why. And I have days and hours where I do not suffer at all. If I tell the truth. But today is not one of them. My son is homeless in the terrible rain and cold. I went to look for him, without luck.
Copa, I'm very sorry that you were hurting and going through this with your son as well. I guess I think of you as one of the strong ones in the group and immune to the hurt. You are wise beyond your years and you do a service by helping others on this board and your day to day life. Thank you for laying things out clearly for someone like me that has so many unanswered questions and confusion and hurt about my son's addiction. I wish I could give you back some of the strength that you've given me. Like the song says, "this rainy day is temporary.....the sun shining through is just a cloud away" Hugs
 

Not Unique

New Member
Copa, I'm very sorry that you were hurting and going through this with your son as well. I guess I think of you as one of the strong ones in the group and immune to the hurt. You are wise beyond your years and you do a service by helping others on this board and your day to day life. Thank you for laying things out clearly for someone like me that has so many unanswered questions and confusion and hurt about my son's addiction. I wish I could give you back some of the strength that you've given me. Like the song says, "this rainy day is temporary.....the sun shining through is just a cloud away" Hugs
Hi brokeninside: I have been following your post these last couple of days and I want you to know my heart is sending you so much love. I have been where you are more times than I want to remember. This is a club no one wants to be a member of . I guess, the parents with broken hearts club, is what I would define it as. A couple of weeks ago my son left his inpatient psychiatric unit yet again, probably his 10th time in the last few months, and was missing for just a few hours this time. He ended up in jail for robbery and he’s there right now. He called my husband to make sure that he sends money in his account so he can get toiletries and snacks while he’s in jail. I am so sad to know that I have relief when at least I know where he is. I am going to put 1 foot in front of the other today because I believe that’s what the god of my understanding wants me to do. Breathe, think of the many things I have to be grateful for, and make it through another day.🥰
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
He called my husband to make sure that he sends money in his account so he can get toiletries and snacks while he’s in jail
Not unique. I am so sorry for what you are going through with your son.

I worked many years in prison. In my state (and I believe in most correctional settings) basic toiletries required for health and hygiene (shampoo, soap, deodorant, toothbrush, toothpaste, etc.) are provided free as are shoes and clothes. Incarcerated people are dependents and what they need to sustain themselves is provided to them. Money on his books, especially if he is mentally ill and vulnerable, can make him a target for victimization.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
He needs to figure out why he can stay clean for only a month, then relapse.
I think these are good insights Crayola writes about. I would not rule out mental illness, such as bipolar cycling.

But the thing is, we cycle too. In the sense that every time our kids look like they show surface changes, such as working, off drugs, taking medication, borderline cooperative, all of a sudden our despair turns to optimistic glee and we throw the confetti. I do.

In fact, I can do this even without any information at all. There was a 3-month lapse in communication with my son. and rather than have nightmares of doom and loss and degradation, I did the opposite. I had wide-awake dreams he had turned the corner, had met a girl, gotten married and a baby was on the way (oh how I have longed to be a grandmother.) All of this was a fantasy, my fantasy.

Not only do we get mesmerized by surface stuff (or even no information--in my case) I think our adult children do too. They think "easy peasy," "piece of cake, "I've got this." And when they are lured by their drug of choice they are not insulated by learning and wisdom achieved. (This is the reason for sponsors in 12-step groups.) They have characterological weaknesses or lack of will or whatever you want to call it. They are not self-aware.

This is what recovery really is--a characterological change that comes from consistent work and support, an actual re-working of the personality and understanding of life. Without that, our kids believe life is one thing when it is really quite another. Life is :censored2:ing hard. Recovery is :censored2:ing hard. It's work. Real consistent work.

So the cycling in helpless' son may be just foolishness in believing he has got this licked and he can do whatever he wants. Again.

Summing up, while there may be a cycling internal psychological process that is affecting helpless' son, it may also be hubris, laziness, or immaturity too. He may get bored. He may just want to do the easy thing. Or he may fall into wishful thinking (like I do.)

But the thing is this: I don't know how we as mothers recover from wanting to have hope.
 
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Not Unique

New Member
Not unique. I am so sorry for what you are going through with your son.

I worked many years in prison. In my state (and I believe in most correctional settings) basic toiletries required for health and hygiene (shampoo, soap, deodorant, toothbrush, toothpaste, etc.) are provided free as are shoes and clothes. Incarcerated people are dependents and what they need to sustain themselves is provided to them. Money on his books, especially if he is mentally ill and vulnerable, can make him a target for victimization.
Thank you so much for this information Copa. I have been pretty sure that this was the case, however I am powerless over the dynamic that my son has with his father, my husband. To say that my son has sometimes made it very difficult for us is a definite truth. In order for me to not have strife with husband I have to let him do what he says his conscience needs. It’s another facet of my sons issues and their ramifications that I have no power over. He tells my husband that the food they give him is not enough for him and he goes to bed hungry without money in his account. my husband says the guilt of not sending it to him is too much for him. He actually called my husband from jail a couple of days ago and said he’s very worried he’s going to have to stay for a while and only reason why he does crystal meth is because he has nowhere to sleep at night and this helps him stay awake. All the pain and guilt I have over my son is sometimes Unbearable. I know God is with me because I am on the treadmill right now at the gym posting this response. I could not do this on my own power.🥰
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
only reason why he does crystal meth is because he has nowhere to sleep at night and this helps him stay awake.
I don't know if this is manipulation or plain nuts or both or perfectly rational. Which is to say that we are living in Oz. My son doesn't have anywhere to sleep either. He uses caffeine pills that he buys from the 99-cent store. Now I am worried he will start using crystal meth, or already does--to stay up. In the big city near us, he would ride around all day on the metro to sleep during the day.

Nobody. I mean nobody could stay sane tuned to the radio station our sons are on. Let alone within a triangle. Without G-d.
 
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