Finding out the truth

Helpless29

Active Member
My last post was my son was in jail.
Today was the first day he called me , his girlfriend paid money for him to be able to make calls. I don’t think he’s in general population yet & he still hasn’t seen a judge or got appointed a public defender yet but that’s not what this post is about .
I knew one of his charges was battery but I didn’t know what happened . Today my son asked me to call the halfway house he got kicked out of & have me ask them if they could not throw away his clothes & let them know his last paycheck was getting mailed there & if they could hold it. I called & the office guy knew my son was locked up & seemed very angry I was calling . He said he would call the police if my son trespassed again & there would be a bigger problem if he seen him . I didn’t understand & apologized for sons behavior still not knowing what he did.
He told me my son came back to the halfway house & beat a guy there with a “intellectual disability “ said he practically left him for dead , that there was blood all over the room . The mental picture of this was unbearable. I started crying not for my son but for this poor guy & apologized over & over to the office guy on the phone , I told him I didn’t know any of this , he told me it was not my fault & that this is what the drugs did to him . I found out he was doing meth . Right now there is no words..
All I could think of is this person he beat & almost left for dead .I also wonder if my son knew what he was doing , if he remembers any of this . How could he have me call the center knowing what he did .
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless

I am so very sorry.

There are so many questions. Some may never be answered. That is why it is so essential that we begin to put our center of gravity back in us, not in our wayward children. We need to make them responsible for their behavior when it affects us. None of this is your fault. However, there were times when you were your son's victim. He needed to be held accountable then, as he will hopefully be held accountable now.

This is a serious felony. I hope for your son's sake that he is held responsible and punished. Whether your son remembers or not is not the major issue. The major issue is he did it.

My own son has recently been in a serious altercation. My son is mentally ill. I fear too that his judgment will be impaired and he will seriously hurt somebody.

Finally, your son is in such bad straits now it must be faced that he is no longer your baby. He needs to handle his own messes, not be asking his Mama to intervene for him. How could he be unaware that such a thing happened? He is in jail and he has been charged.

Clearly, there is something wrong here. He is not accepting responsibility in a meaningful way or he would have shame. Even though he did not himself make the phone call, he knew that there was a great chance that you would become aware of the circumstances of his offense. Was he indifferent? Was this one more incidence of his being uncaring of how you feel and what you are exposed to? Isn't there a pattern here?

Could it be that you as well as he is not facing up to the reality of who he is and what he does, in this case, what he does to you? How could he put you up to this call, knowing that you would likely be put in this situation? It goes over the edge of decency just like those other times.

Helpless. You have got to look in the mirror and be straight with yourself about who your son is. Who he has become. And then make some firm boundaries, both in terms of your dealings with him and in terms of your own thinking and feelings about him.

To answer your question, it could be drugs. But not entirely. Meth changes the brain. It can take years before the brain can be normalized. And it may take even longer for empathy and compassion to develop in a person, let alone self-awareness and responsibility.

The more you hover around him like he is a baby, the worse it is for you. He has become a predator. He is not a baby. Let him mature, helpless. He has a shot if he gets prison time. But there is not one good thing that will come from loving him like a little boy.

He has become dangerous. I don't believe he is good for you. And I don't think you are good for him. Let him face the music. Let him become a man. Hold him responsible for his acts.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Dear Helpless

I am so very sorry.

There are so many questions. Some may never be answered. That is why it is so essential that we begin to put our center of gravity back in us, not in our wayward children. We need to make them responsible for their behavior when it affects us. None of this is your fault. However, there were times when you were your son's victim. He needed to be held accountable then, as he will hopefully be held accountable now.

This is a serious felony. I hope for your son's sake that he is held responsible and punished. Whether your son remembers or not is not the major issue. The major issue is he did it.

My own son has recently been in a serious altercation. My son is mentally ill. I fear too that his judgment will be impaired and he will seriously hurt somebody.

Finally, your son is in such bad straits now it must be faced that he is no longer your baby. He needs to handle his own messes, not be asking his Mama to intervene for him. How could he be unaware that such a thing happened? He is in jail and he has been charged.

Clearly, there is something wrong here. He is not accepting responsibility in a meaningful way or he would have shame. Even though he did not himself make the phone call, he knew that there was a great chance that you would become aware of the circumstances of his offense. Was he indifferent? Was this one more incidence of his being uncaring of how you feel and what you are exposed to? Isn't there a pattern here?

Could it be that you as well as he is not facing up to the reality of who he is and what he does, in this case, what he does to you? How could he put you up to this call, knowing that you would likely be put in this situation? It goes over the edge of decency just like those other times.

Helpless. You have got to look in the mirror and be straight with yourself about who your son is. Who he has become. And then make some firm boundaries, both in terms of your dealings with him and in terms of your own thinking and feelings about him.

To answer your question, it could be drugs. But not entirely. Meth changes the brain. It can take years before the brain can be normalized. And it may take even longer for empathy and compassion to develop in a person, let alone self-awareness and responsibility.

The more you hover around him like he is a baby, the worse it is for you. He has become a predator. He is not a baby. Let him mature, helpless. He has a shot if he gets prison time. But there is not one good thing that will come from loving him like a little boy.

He has become dangerous. I don't believe he is good for you. And I don't think you are good for him. Let him face the music. Let him become a man. Hold him responsible for his acts.
Thank you , I needed this truth .
In the back of my mind I know exactly what he has turned into & it’s not my little boy & I need to let go of these fake visions that blur my mind . I need to see it for what it really is and who he really is.
I needed to hear this.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Helpless,
I am so sorry for your aching heart. I agree with Copa, our adult children need to take responsibility for their actions, under the influence or not, and we need to step back. One of the many reasons I have gone no contact with my daughter is something she said to me months ago. “I am an addict, I did not ask to be an addict. I can’t be held responsible for the things I do while I am high.”
Really?
She is in there somewhere, buried deep under years of using. Not just using drugs, using everyone who loves her to get what she wants.
We all must do what we must, to be able to live with ourselves. No judgment here on anyone else’s choice on how they deal with their wayward loved ones.
That being written, I do agree with Copa. When our addicted loved ones have crossed so far over the line, we need to take a step back and focus on living our best lives. They will do what they will do, and drag us around by the heartstrings if we allow it. Finding our center within ourselves and stepping back from their choices, their consequences is not cruel or selfish, it is self love. That’s imperative to our own survival.
This is not your doing, or mine. I’m sure you raised up your son the best you could with morals and values. Me too, with my daughters. Unfortunately they have been ensnared by meth, an extremely addictive, dangerous substance that can lead folks to violence. That’s how my daughter got kicked out of rehab, and she was supposedly sober for four months. She made it to a level where they were allowing her to go out on day passes. She went, with her baby, had her nails done, then beat a girl up, Lord only knows why? She had her baby with her!! What on earth.
Sigh.
I’m working on giving my two back to God. (Again) Instead of fretting and worrying over them, I need to remember to say a quick prayer when those thoughts enter my mind.
I matter, you matter. Our peace of mind, matters.
I hope you can find a way to get back to focusing on you. Im trying to do the same.
(((hugs)))
Leaf
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
That must have been shocking and upsetting to hear. Drugs definitely change the brain chemistry, even after a person stops using. It’s hard to understand. There are often deeper issues than just drugs. I wish all drug users would be more willing to get mental health treatment. Some do while others don’t think they have a problem at all. Some of them actually think their behavior is normal.

Meth must be the worst drug ever. This morning I read a local newspaper article. A guy on meth was dancing naked in a parking garage talking to an imaginary person. There are thousands more like him.

Find a craft or an activity to occupy yourself. Otherwise, all you’re going to do is think about how bad all this is. It’s hard not to let scary thoughts consume us, but if we are to mentally survive, we’ve got to have something to focus on.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I am sorry you suffered when hearing that awful story. Prsyers to you. I had gut punch moments like that too and it hurts.

In Nar Anon we usually learn to let the addict make his/her own unpleasant phone calls. And we accept that we will never know from our addicted kids what they do. But Ive also learned that what they do is their business to fix and to pay the rightful consequences of their behavior. It has nothing to do with us.

I know Kay has kept a lot from us and at this late date, I don't want to know. I didn't cause it. I can't control it and I can't cure her. I know this now. It's up to you how you handle your son when he wants you to soften things up for him, but your son could have called himself. And what he did to that other person is on him. Like what my daughter does is on her. If your son did it because he was high, it is still on him. Like my own daughter.knows, your son knows too that he is dangerous to others when he takes meth. So he made the decision to do it anyway. Hey, so did Kay.

I don't care if drugs make her worse. She knows this and still takes drugs. Their behavior belongs to our addicts, not us. I no longer make excuses for Kay's horrible behavior. She was dangerous from her early teenage years and she is now in her 30s and still uses drugs. Kay is maybe a rare person who gets paranoid and dangerous even smoking weed. Or maybe she used other drugs too back in the day and we honestly did not know it. Either way,everyone she hurt,.stole from etc...it all belongs to her. I will never know all she did/does.and I don't want to. And why she is how she is doesn't matter to me. She can get help.

I am sorry your son.is off the rails. Kay was too at his age. This is not an easy path we walk, but we can learn to detach from their chaos.

Love and hugs.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
HI

I'm so sorry to hear this. I know it is beyond heartbreaking. I always think of the mothers of guys that are on death row or out on the streets panhandling. I know that someone out there loves them. I'm not saying that will be your son but you do have to face that these are his choices now and they are bad and wrong and there is nothing you can do to make him turn this around. I have to wonder about his girlfriend. What kind of girl supports this behavior or wants to be with someone doing these things?

You have gotten great advice here and while it can be hard to hear, it is the God's truth. These ladies - including me - have been through hell and are still going through it. We have to protect ourselves during all of this. My son's worst years aged me tremendously and he was not and still is not aware. Right now he is trying to straddle the weed and drinking and being productive and moving forward.

I don't think it can be done.

Hugs.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Hi

I wanted to add that I hope you are sharing this with your husband and he is being supportive. You need his support right now.
 
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