Forcing things into proper place

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Jan 29, 2018.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    I can not work harder than my daughter to fix her disorder. I seem to do all the work to help her and she does nothing to help herself. I have deleted most of the web sites about disordered conduct except this one, I cannot keep trying to make the changes in her that only she can make. It felt good to delete the websites and as I deleted them I was deleting the feeling responsible for her horrible decissions. At almost 36 years of age, something in her brain needs to kick in.

    I told my daughter that I will be renting the house that I own and that she needs to move out or if she is lucky the new renters may let her stay. She decided to ask a 24 year old woman with 3 kids move in. I know this woman and really like her at 24 she is 3x more mature than my daughter. My daughter was saying how the three kids will mess up the house, really? Her pig pen boyfriend has grease all over the walls, does everything 1/2 a-- and is disrespectful. No matter what the 3 kids do it will not be as bad.
    I will make sure that the 24 year old will be comfortable. She decided to be roommates with my daughter.

    One of the reasons I have tolerated my daughters BS for so many years is that deep down I was afraid she was going to die... I have to remember something very important. After my son died his spirit told me that your day to die is just that, your day to die and nothing and nobody can do anything about it.

    For several years, before she met her last boyfriend she was doing ok. She was working full time and paying her bills and she was active in many great things. Since the boyfriend it has been a steady downwards spiral. While in her good years we helped her financially, we bought a nice home for her to rent with the possibility to own, a car, helped with her college loans, put money in her bank account when low, groceries, clothes etc. She was grateful and appreciated the help and tried to balance things out. We did not feel taken advantage of or used because of the graditude and her trying to make things right and balanced.
    Now she expects us to support her 42 year old boyfriend. I think the reason it has taken us so long to take the bull by the horns is because we had a several years of her being responsible and we thought that is how it would be moving forward. I had no idea that an almost 36 years of age would continue to make horrible decisions especially when she had to suffer so deeply over the same stupid decisions in her 20s. I know her love hormones cause her to not think straight but she is going to have to learn how to get a grip, and nothing I do or say will make it change.. I know that as truth that is why I am deleting all the self help stuff I study. My guidance, help or anything that comes from me will be fruitless to her.. The sooner I understand this the better it will be for all involved.

    Today, like each day I am working on detatching financially. I know so much grief and stress will leave once I check off all the things on my list to detach from. I will not worry and I will place everything in God's hands and enjoy my life instead of trying to fix, help, assist, etc.

    I know walking off goes against the way I am built inside but it has to be done to restore order. Sometimes help is NOT help.

    I am gaining strength from this support group and the new Church. I have felt like a door mat for too long. I have been going through many changes, all good positive changes, hard changes, some of them make me cry but they are still forward moving and in the long run best for all involved.
    My husband did not look good this week end. He was pale and tired. His job is stressful and he always says what I am trying to fix is even more stressful. Today I feel stronger. More grounded. My son's death comes in waves and it is getting close to his death date. I will call on his spirit to help me. I will cry when I need to and then get my head on straight.

    My daughter tells me all the time that her and boyfriend are really not together. I know they are off and on all the time keeping each other stuck. My daughter tells me that BS so I will think she is single and try to help her financially.
    My plan of action helps gound me. I see resolve in the future. I see that my preditor daughter can smell this change and have no choice but to grow or stay stuck but not on my dime.
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    You do sound good today; stronger and more together with respect to your daughter. Good for you! She is not only an adult, but rapidly approaching middle-age - she can take care of herself.

    Just my initial thoughts. Forgive me, the lawyer is kicking in. If I understand it correctly, the house is yours, your daughter lives there (rent free) and now this new young woman and children will be moving in. I assume the new woman will be your tenant? She will be paying rent? If I am correct, then I caution you - make sure YOU have a lease with the young woman and she pays her rent to YOU. You need to make very, very sure she understands your daughter may be her house-mate, but YOU are the landlord.

    Protect yourself from having a house full of people you can't get out.
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  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    This is true. I have always said we are each born with an expiration date. One of the best things I did for myself was to accept the fact that my son could die and I may or may not be notified of it. It's a tough reality as you know first hand with your son's passing. For me, it's better to accept what could happen than to catastrophize about it.

    Oh those growing pains! You are growing, you are changing, you are taking your life back and making it what you want. This is wonderful.

    It's good that you can see through the manipulation tactics.

    Newstart, you are doing really great! Stay steady the course, keep moving and growing and detaching.

    Wishing you a most wonderful day!
  4. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Because of your post Lil, I have taken steps to protect our finances a bit further. I am working hard in the protective mode, I can't go on like this and look forward to just a nice quiet life. I see that in my future. The loud unnessesary drama and self made BS that my daughter thrives on will be dealt with from a distance. We are learning as parents how to detatch. We thought we were helping her set up her future, we need to step back and let it unfold her way. I was trying to be the parent that I would want. Not going to work with this type of disordered daughter. My dads mother made bad decisions too and the family had to pay for it for many generations. I will make that generational curse end with us.
  5. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you Tanya,
    Somedays I feel I write the same thing over and over again but in doing so I find strength and I do feel I move ahead somewhat. I do think life is much easier when you realize that everyone does have an expiration date and nothing you can say or do can slow it down or speed it up. A lot of time we can knock back stress by changing our perception of things.. I have a hard time knowing that my daughter was in the gifted classes, holds 2 degrees and is broke.. I have a hard time with knowing she is capable of so much more and chooses to be lazy. Thank you for your thoughts. I feel for you and your son, the pain of knowing he is alive but not connected to you must be so deep but when I read your posts I can sense peace with your decsions. I am getting there, taking baby steps.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I was happy to read that you're protecting your finances. Dot all the i's and cross all the t's, exactly as you would if a stranger were attempting to rent your home. That's a big shift I believe, when we put our own well being as the priority....and begin to think that way.....rather than abandon ourselves for our kids choices and behaviors.

    I felt the same way. It is a learning curve for us parents to figure out how to parent our adult troubled's a're moving thru it well newstart......(which doesn't mean it feels good.....)

    This was tough for me too. The dream/vision I had for my daughter's life as she was growing up is nothing like how it turned out. One of the most difficult things for me was accepting that MY dream for her life was not going to materialize and I had to let it go. She's my only child, I had a lot invested in her took awhile for me to unravel my own expectations and desires and recognize that I was powerless to enact any change in another.....

    That was my experience too...... it helped so much to continue to write it down and get support for each offered me that strength as well......

    Hang in there newstart....acknowledge how far you've come recently....celebrate your clarity and commitment to change, you're doing a stellar job in an extremely challenging situation.
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I know exactly how you feel. My son has a very high IQ and is a fantastic artist. It boggles my mind the waste of talent. Just goes to show you that just because someone is smart does not mean they also have common sense.
    My son is one of those people who can read a book and retain it all and in his mind because he can do that he thinks he's an expert. I asked him once if he read a book on how to perform surgery would he be able to do it and he said yes. No humility to temper his intelligence.
  8. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you recoveringenabler, your guidance and encouragement is so much appreciated.
  9. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Our children could of been highly successful if they only used their brains for the good. It is just so sad. Do you ever visit your son in prison or has he caused enough damage that you can't do that?
  10. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    My son very similar very smart but hated school. In and out of jail no long term yet. They say there is a thin line between genius and insanity. I would say thin line between genius and our Difficult Child's.
  11. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    I hear you Tired mama. I too am a tried momma. My deepest prayer today is that all our troubled children will balance out and straighten out and do right.
  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Wow what a powerful post! These are not easy steps you have taken. Kudos to you mama!! Well done and stick to your guns.

    I know it is so hard when they behave well. To keep our boundaries in place. I know I have been there too many times already, and my son is only 18!!
  13. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Littleboylost, Hopefully you will not have to suffer so much as he get older and more mature, my deepest prayer for you is that things will kick into his head and he will straighten out. My daughter was her worst from 19-28. I believe she had on set adult bipolar or borderline, it does not matter what it is called, it was horrific behavior. Thank you again for your support, the steps I am taking is steps I already took a few years back and when things balanced I got myself back into this hole. I am upset with myself because I trusted her again. I believe she is a preditor and snake and I was the idot that fell pray to her destructive ways AGAIN...If I get pissed off to the point of no return that is just it, there is no return. I am even thinking of buying a condo or country place and changing my phone number, and not leaving a forwarding address, that is the kind of thoughts that are floating around in my head. Family is suppose to support and stand united with each other. I will not allow another soul in my life that drains and uses me and that includes my daughter and her toxic boyfriend. Odd thing about this horrible round is that I don't feel as attached or feel so sorry. I feel the wheels of detatchment happening. Many times after severe drama I have taken my daughter on a cruise and we have sat on the balcony under the stars and I try to heal with her, I have no desire to do that with her, she is an a__.
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    When we lived in Colo. and he was in the juvenile detention center we drove 2 hours one way every other week to visit with him for an hour, then would drive 2 hours home. We did that for a year.
    A few years later when he was in the county jail which was closer we would visit every week.
    The last few times he's been in jail we have not gone to visit him as he's 1100 miles away. We do communicate via letters.
    He was in jail when my husband and I moved to the Midwest. When he was released I flew out to get him, brought him back with me, set him up in our rental house, gave him every opportunity to get his life back on track. Sadly, he blew it.
    I do hope that when he gets out of jail in the fall that he will really try to make better choices.
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  15. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    My daughter is the same age as your son, way too old to be a pain in our butts still. There is so much that goes into setting up a rental home, there is no way either one of my parents would have worked so hard to help me. When things were more balanced with my daughter and I thought her mind was moving forward, I really put my credit on line for her. Now I am working out undoing all the ties I have with her. My daughter is unhealthy for me to be around. She has the choice everyday to use her brillance.
    I do hope that when your son gets out again he will make better choices. I do know that some people do not mind being managed by the prison system because they can't manage themselves and they miss their jailmates so they try to get put back in.
    I pray that your son will have a miracle and his mind will function in a positive way and he will be a prosperous, contributing human. Amen.
  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    We helped my daughter and her fiance with a good down payment on a house. But they didn't ask us to and both are hard workers with good jobs and now they have to do the rest. I have no doubt they will.

    I don't see the point of buying something like a house for a grown child even if we have the means. in my opinion this just makes them entitled, lazier and they do not have feelings of accomplishment that they are doing it. This is just my opinion. There were always parents who bought grown kids big toys,. If they had the means, but I don't feel personally that this is ever a good idea or ever was. And if a kid is off the rails, they wouldnt take care of a gifted house. You dont owe a house or car or anything monetary to a grown child. You owe your money to yourself. You worked for it. They will feel better about their toys if they work hard and pay for them. And it is not good to give them anything that they can sell and use to buy drugs. And they will.

    Just my opinion.
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    Last edited: Jan 31, 2018
  17. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    We purchased the rental because there was no way our son was going to live with us. After getting out of jail he had nothing and we wanted to help him. He had said all the right things and we had hoped that he really changed. Since he had nothing and no where to go it's what we felt we could do to help him.
    I do not regret doing it as I learned from it. I know in my heart that we did everything we could to try and help him. I never have to wonder "if only we had done this or that"
    We still have the rental house and have great tenants.
    When my son is released from prison later this year he will be on his own. He will transition to a half way house. Hopefully he will make better choices.
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  18. newstart

    newstart Active Member

  19. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I get a rental, again if you have the means. A rental is YOUR property. What I find really off the rails for parents to do is to buy a house...houses are not cheap...and putting it in the grown child's name, even if they don't get into trouble. To me it is the equivalent of doing a child's homework for him to make his life easy and to get him into a good school, with no work needed on his part. How can good character develop if we do it for them? Or their own self esteem and pride in their accomplishments?

    Even those who have a lot of money can decide to teach their adult children the satisfaction of doing it themselves. in my opinion buying huge toys for any grown kid is a poor parenting decision. Again....jmo. I realize we all think differently.