Friends with debatable manners

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Nomad, Feb 11, 2018.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Huge vent. Would like your thoughts.

    I normally am fastidious with my appearance. Watch my weight, keep my nails nice and so forth.

    We recently moved. It was over the top exhausting. Plus, my autoimmune stuff went into high gear. I was already on prednisone and gained about ten pounds. When I moved, I got sicker and the Local doctor doubled the dosage. Omg. Between the stress and this medication from hexx I gained a ton of weight. I’m short, so it really shows.

    A friend asked if her and her husband could spend the weekend at our house. I said ok. They are very nice, from another state and wanted a mini vacation.

    One night we went to dinner. I was saddened that the dress I had to wear was a little tight on me. But, I figured being with friends was more important and I put it on and let it go.

    All of a sudden she announces she would like some photos. I told her the medication has caused weight gain and I’m actually avoiding photos for the time being. She strongly insisted. So, I said how about one or two from the waist up. She said that was silly. She really pushed and I caved ...but kept in saying “very few please.” She had her husband take photos and then she took some of my husband and I.

    I didn’t realize it, but many many photos were taken.

    Later when she got home, she texted me many of these photos. Perhaps 15. I didn’t realize so many were taken. I actually look much worse than I thought.

    She asked me if the photos looked ok. I told her the truth...they actually looked worse than I thought they would. My face is distorted with a bit of a steroid Moon face, belly swelling, overweight. Etc.

    She said nonsense...I had on a pretty dress and my hair looked great. ????

    She said to show them to my husband. (That kinda ticked me off) He took a quick look and said we both look kinda bad.

    She recently lost weight and had a face lift. She looks great. In some of the photos she is almost posing with her hand on her waist.

    I have never looked so poorly in my life.

    I never replied to her text. I think I was suppose to narrow down the pics I liked best. I hate all of them because to me I look sickly.

    I have not replied to her text.

    Another friend told me that she was being inconsiderate.

    Boils down to the same question that keeps haunting me...you don’t give up friends just because they act like a jerk at one point in time.

    I think she is being a jerk. Am I right? Very inconsiderate. They never should of been taken in the first place. I don’t think I should or will give up the friendship over this...but I won’t firget it either and of course it won’t take many more inconsiderate moves to make me change my mind. I hope it doesn’t come to that.

    What the hexx is wrong with people???

    Good news...I’m on a new medication, tapering from prednisone and both my husband and I have started Weight Watchers.

    Thoughts?


    PS since this is very personal in nature there is a small chance I might ask for this thread to be removed down the road.
     
  2. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi Nomad, I have had pictures of me posted on social media that cringed me. My one friend told me that she loved me so much that any picture of me she thought was beautiful. And I kind of understand this, I see pictures of people that I love dearly and it may not be a good picture of them but it is them and I love the picture.
    Most people will give someones picture the one over and be more concerned about their own looks. When I go through major turmoil with my daughter I look like I have aged a bunch. None of us want pictues posted that we think looks bad. It is embarrassing. I had a picture of me in the newspaper one time with my eyes closed and face all contorted. I was pissed but my friends did not see anything wrong with it.
    Tell your friend to not post pictures that you do not like of yourself. She could of taken flattering shots. I like to photograph people. I shot a photo of a woman that was 20 pounds over weight but knew how to pose her. She looked fabulous. Most people just look at other peoples pictures for just a few seconds unless it is an outstanding shot.
     
  3. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Thank you.
    She is not on fb.
    I think she wants to frame it for her house. The medication I’m on actually causes your face to swell. We’ve taken other good photos together and I’m sure we will take photos in the future. I think this is strange and it really hurts my feelings that she ignored my wishes.
     
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry you had to go thru that Nomad. In my view your friend should have listened to your feelings from the get go.

    I would be extremely clear and say something like, "I realize you may not agree, however, I feel very strongly about these pictures, I do not want them made public."

    As I read your post Nomad, what jumped out at me is that your friend ignored your initial request to not take any pictures.....then she ignored your request to take only a few.....then she ignored your request to take a picture from the waist up......then she negated your feelings by saying, "nonsense......"

    As newstart mentioned, your friend may just not be seeing you as you see you and excited about the prospect of giving the pics to you as a gift......OR she may be negating your feelings.....or both!
     
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  5. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I take horrible photos and try to avoid being photographed. In later years, a strong bone structure has turned gaunt despite my being overweight (imagine gaunt with jowls and a double chin).

    In addition, I have a condition that has causes muscle wasting on the left side of my face and a slightly crooked mouth.

    I also have very bad teeth and am not a smiler on a good day.

    I hate when people pull out their phones even after I say I prefer not to be photographed, and snap away, anyways.

    I don't take pictures of humans unless they or their guardians (if too young to talk) permit me to do so. I don't even photograph pets without the owner's permission.
     
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am not much of a photo person myself, it destroys the 35 year old picture in my head...........:oops:
    Nomie, I am sure you looked just beautiful to your friend.
    We are our own worst critics.
    But, I don't think she should have ignored your requests.
    That's just not nice.
    Okay, she is being a jerk.
    You are right.
    I have a work "friend" who just loves to take candid photos of people (me), when they look their very worst. Then she shows the picture to the person and laughs and says she's keeping it for "collateral". She missed her calling and should have been a tabloid photographer.
    I tell her she is a jerk, and she just laughs.
    I don't know why people do stuff like this.
    My friend is fun to talk with, she is quick witted, but because of this candid photo thingee, I kind of don't trust her. I tell her that, too. What kind of person wants to have photos of friends looking their very worst?
    Surprise of all surprises, her phone broke and she doesn't have her "collateral" shots anymore.
    Ahh, revenge is sweet.
    I think not answering her text might give your friend the hint that you are not pleased with her actions.
    If she is a good friend who has slipped up (which we all do) maybe feeling a bit sassy with her new look?, but her friendship is worth keeping, I would wait a bit and when you are ready, let her know how you feel.
    I am glad you are on the mend and tapering off prednisone.
    Man that stuff can mess a body up.

    I understand your feelings about avoiding photos when you feel you are not looking your best.
    I wish your friend had listened.
    It is almost like the mean girls in high school all over again.
    Who needs that?
    Ugh.
    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
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  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I no longer like having pictures taken.

    Back when I was young and thinner, I didn't care. Now, I'm about 100 pounds overweight. I care.

    I think your friend was insensitive to your feelings.
     
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  8. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    New Leaf...your work friend sounds weird as heck. Good grief.

    Ironically, I have a very compromising photo of her (Long story) that I have never shown a soul and never will. She asked me not to and I won’t. She looks fine in the photo but was being goofy but later realized what she did in the photo might be considered in poor taste. I actually meant to delete it but forgot and I’ve taken probably 1000 pics in my phone since then and it would be hard for me to find. But, I would never show anyone that photo.

    I recognize that what she did wasn’t hideous. There is some chance she honestly thinks I look fine. I’m not sure. But, I certainly felt unheard and disrespected. Almost a total lack of empathy....my feelings were disregarded. It felt like she might have had a personal agenda. Not sure. It felt bad and it hurt.
     
  9. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    My daughter was in the hospital last year, and was put on Prednisone. She blew up over night, literally. I was there the day before, and came back the next morning, and she looked totally different: bloated, face round and puffy ( moon face describes it well) whole body puffy. I was shocked.

    She definitely wouldn’t have wanted any pictures taken at that time.

    Your friend was very insensitive to your feelings. Her insistence on taking pictures after you asked her not to was very pushy and controlling. Is this a pattern of behavior with her?

    I would tell her how I feel about the pics (hurtful) and if she won’t listen, I would probably back off the friendship a bit.

    Intensivity in the beginning is one thing, but continuing to invalidate your feelings points to something else entirely, and it’s not good.

    Apple
     
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Applecori... your poor daughter. This happened to me after being on it months. I tried very very hard. No matter what I did I couldn’t stop the moon face, bloating and weight gain. Awful stuff.

    I’m really struggling because I have three long term female friends. Two seem a bit off.

    One I have written about a lot recently.
    Her and her husband went through hard financial times and this normally very nice woman acted very odd, difficult, told me lies, jealous etc for a year or so to the point that it got me depressed. We are still friends but I have pulled back.

    This woman lives in another state so we don’t see each other as much. I have noticed a certain “something” in recent years. I guess a desire to return to her youth that sometimes comes out a little odd. For a brief time she was wearing short dresses even though she is 60 + and it just looked very out of place. She is fixated on the fact that I’m s few years younger than her.she got a facelift and never told me and I never said a word....but of course you can tell. Some weird stuff.always lovely and proper, but in recent years a bit competitive. I have ignored that figuring it would likely stop.

    So, I do wonder if the picture thing is part of this competition issue. Maybe. Of MUCh more concern is that I felt unheard.

    Do some women go bonkers when they turn 60?

    I am praying my third friend doesn’t lose her mind.
     
  11. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I think my daughter was put on a really high dose. She was in the ICU with Septic Shock, so the weight gain was the least of the problems. She had to taper down off of it slowly, and had gained 10-15 lbs, though it looked like even more because of the bloating. It took her a while to loose the weight after she got off the medications.

    One of my daughters was just telling me about the women on the new project she just started on at work. It seems there is a big competition between them, and has been going on for years, to see who gets the best Valentine gift. By best they mean biggest flower arrangement, most expensive gift, and priciest night out. These are mostly married, middle-aged women, too, who should be over that by now.

    They are also competitive about the cars they drive, as she has already been informed of the types of cars they all have (which seem pricey compared to the money they make). Probably about their looks and clothing, too, though my daughter hasn’t picked up on that yet.

    Women can be competitive, too.

    Tell her how you feel about the pics. Her response will tell you all you need to know about her motives....

    Apple
     
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Nomad

    I think it was less about how you looked and felt and more about how SHE looked and felt! You said she looks thin, face lift etc.

    My group of friends always get the "all ok" from whomever is in the photo because we are all at that age where not every photo is flattering. And lets face it, for FakeBook (LOL) we want to look our best and show fun times. That's what I like it for; because I cannot remember what I do half the time and if I'm down I can look and say - oh yes that was fun! My life is ok.

    Even worse that she'd frame something with a picture of you for her home that you hate!! Ugh.

    I would just be honest with her and tell her what you told us and if she doesn't understand then well....ugh. I don't know. I would not like that.
     
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Darling, I don't like pictures of myself. I used to weigh 60+ pounds less than I do now, no double chin... I quit smoking and got pregnant at the same time. With all kinds of steroids. Being a first time Mom I assumed the doctor would tell me if I was gaining too much weight. He did not. I have not been able to lose that baby weight... I think the worst part is that I gained back the 20 pounds I lost on delivery day!

    So... I have not felt pretty in 5 years. When I was pregnant, it was expected that I'd have a belly. I get asked if I am pregnant on a regular basis. People should know better! Ugh.

    I will do formal pictures with my daughter. For HER sake. And occasional candids. I take most of them anyway though.

    Your friend was being a snot. And not a very good friend.
     
  14. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    The competition thing certainly has come up. Even my husband senses it (and he is usually oblivious to such things).
    I’m confused because I thought it took two to play these game and I have t been engaged in this at all.
    My husband suggested that this could be something she does at work or literally with every woman she knows. Perhaps it’s worsened in recent years.
    Ack
    We are in a new neighborhood and I’ve already heard a little discussion along these lines from one woman in particular...competing with another neighbor. From her own mouth. Ugh. Maybe this other neighbor doesnt even know ?!?!
    I tend to compete with myself.
    And if I truly love something someone else has I do t get all weird and sneaky about it.
    I’ll admire it and on a rare occasion ask if it’s ok if I get something similar.
    BUT the truth is I have my own style.
    Hubby says it might make insecure people crazy.
    I don't know.
    She ignored my requests not to take the photos.
    She ignored my requests to take them a certain way.
    She ignored my requests to take only two.
    Then in texts she dismissed my concerns.
    I explained myself a few different ways.
    Then she told me to ask my husband what he thinks.
    He says we (him and I) both look rather poorly.
    It will be hard for me to respond because I almost feel like I’m begging at this point.
    But I think in a day or two I will simply say that both my husband and I don’t care for the photos and that they remind me of being sick and I would appreciate it if she either deletes them or at the very least not show them to anyone.
    Mind you, she already told me that I was being silly and that my dress and Hair were beautiful.
    Anyway, I suppose there is a small chance my Hair and dress in her mind overcomes all those other things. I don't know.
    YES ...I think this is very likely much more about how she thinks SHE looked.
    And yes, I think she is being a “snot.”
    It is not the end of the world, but does feel crummy.
    Thanks a TON for listening. It is sooooo helpful. :)
    PS LOVE calling it FAKEBOOK!!!! Lololol
     
  15. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Applecori...What a horrid experience your daughter went through. And no doubt you as well. Thank goodness she is ok. That sounds mega dangerous/frightening.
     
  16. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I will preface this by saying that I HATE and am phobic about having my picture taken. I am currently investigating whether or not I would be on safe legal grounds if I told my employer that I don't want to give them a picture for their online company directory. They did let me refuse to be honored on my landmark anniversary with a photo in the company newsletter; I also declined the offer to have an article put in about me as well.

    With that said, I think that your friend is actually saying that she loves you no matter how you look and you should approach it from that point of view. I would ask to meet her for coffee and just be honest. Tell her that you really hate those photos and thinking about them being out there makes you sad. Tell her that you would be happy to take a photo with her when you feel like you look better, if that is the case.

    I have a group of friends who like to take pics when we go out to dinner. The first time, I was so shocked that I didn't say anything. I am not on social media but I know those photos are out there and I want to never see them. After that, I practiced telling them no. At this point, I am the designated photographer and take pics of all of them on their phones one after the other. Years ago, another mom took a picture of me at a function after I said no. I didn't speak to her for three years, until she apologized. Another mom tried to take my picture at prom and I said I would break her camera. I tell these stories so you know I have genuine picture hating creds. You just have a temporary aversion and I would let your friend know that, in person.