From bad to worse...much, much worse.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, May 3, 2015.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    All I wanted was 24 hours. Let him calm down and think about his situation. Let us calm down and get over his disrespectful attitude.

    He called and I heard the machine, "You have to pick up. It's really, really urgent."

    I pick up.

    He's being kicked out. They say he has to leave. He hasn't done anything wrong. They hate him and he doesn't know what he's done. He has no one. He has nothing. Etc., etc.

    I give the phone to Jabber. In the end, I agree to go pick him up and take him to his apartment. I'm so upset though, that Jabber says he'll come too and drive. We get there and he comes out with the couple. (by the way, she's a total cow. Really, if she were attractive that would be one thing, but she's really ugly!) Anyway, he gets in the car, they get in there. He begins crying. They hate him. They want him gone. He has nothing and no one. He wants to go to Chicago today so he can leave and never think of this place again. He has only one friend (her) and he just lost that. He has no electricity and no food. He won't have any way to work. (He hasn't even gotten the job yet.) And on and on and on. I tell Jabber to pull over. My son was just in hysterics and I don't know exactly what happened, I know that at some point he yelled at me to shut the eff up and Jabber kind of lost it and told him to get out of the car. He refused. Told us to call the cops. Threatened to kill himself half a dozen times. We offered to take him to the hospital. He and Jabber ended up in a screaming match that turned into a scuffle both in and out of the car. I called the police.

    He just needed to get out of the car and let us all calm down. He just needed to take a minute and take a breath.

    Three cops later and he's gone. Back to "that couple's" house. He called her while I was on the phone to the police. He said he woke up to a 5 page text telling him no one would help him and he was on his own. I said, "Who sent that text? I told you we would let you EARN the money, not give it to you. How is that not helping?" He basically blamed Jabber for everything. He was lucky Jabber didn't punch him. He is an former Marine and has 22 years of experience in corrections. He outweighs our son by about 150 lbs. In what world does he think he can take his dad? He even tried to pick a fight in front of the cops. I told him you just needed to get out of the car and let us calm down. But "We just needed to listen to him for once." I told him you don't give us a chance to listen when you won't let us have a second to calm down. His response was, "Why do you need to calm down. This is all happening to ME!" Jabber walked off...and he yelled something about "walking away like always". I told the cops...Jabber has the patience of the saint, I've never even seen him really angry until today. We've been together 16 years.

    My son walked off flipping us the bird with both hands.

    I want to just lay down and never get up again. I told Jabber I don't think this will ever be fixed. They'll never forgive each other. Jabber says it isn't's trust that will have to be rebuilt. But I don't know that I agree. I feel like my family is gone. I have Jabber and I love him more than anything and that will never change. But we're a couple. It takes 3 for family.

    My son is gone.
    Last edited: May 3, 2015
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Lil, BELIEVE ME, your son is not gone. He wants you to FEEL that way so that YOU will crawl back and do all the changing, take all the responsibility, feel the guilt, feel the need...feel the dependency.

    So that he can feel a little bit of power. They try to make us feel smaller than do they. But it doesn't work. Only momentarily.

    The only way they can feel real power is through competency. The competency to treat others well. The competency to take care of their needs.

    You did not lose your family. First, Jabber is a saint. (OK a large saint.) Second, your son needs you to be strong, to not fall apart because he does not meet your vision of what YOU need him to be. He cannot be that right now.

    He needs you to not crumble. He also needs you to not make this into the hugest catastrophe in the world. Because it was not. It was DRAMA. (And Jabber in his work does not need drama. Trust me. What a guy. How he must love you, Lil. Come through for him.)

    Lil, forgive me, please. I am talking to both of us. These men in our lives need us to be strong and to get it together. Jabber needs you. Your son needs you to CHILL.

    When your son calls and says, Mom, I've lost everything....has he? NO. When you feel the same, Have you? NO. Feelings. Nothing more than feelings.

    You are okay. Ninety five percent of the people on this board have had multiple cop scenes, I would guess. Oh? You don't want us as your reference group? Sorry. You've got us.
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    Last edited: Aug 24, 2015
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I'm with Copa on this... Gone? At most, I'd make a guess at "really temporarily" gone.

    It could even be longer than short-term, and still not be "gone". I never kept track of how often my bro was "gone" and "never, ever coming back". He's still part of our family, 30+ years later.

    Right now, it's ugly. Sending hugs for your mommy heart.
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    He just messaged me on Facebook and said, "I'm sorry and I can understand if you never want to speak to me again."

    I basically begged him to really give us some time. That this is literally killing me and I really need him to give us time.

    He actually said, "Okay, well I'll give you guys time... I'm still absolutely dying to see game of thrones but I understand that it will be awhile before I'll be able to see you again."

    Seriously? Game of Freaking Thrones!

    I said, yeah..."I think that it's safe to say it'll be a while. I love you and want you to be alright. Thank you for messaging me. I actually thought you might not ever want to speak to us again." Then I logged off Facebook.

    He's out of his freaking mind! I've been sitting here practically catatonic with grief, and he's worried about missing the damn show!

    I just don't know what else to say about that. I'm both relieved and just livid. At this moment I think I hate him.

    No one better. :grouphugg:
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Lil, I'm so sorry.
    Very typical of a Difficult Child that they only think about themselves and not how their actions are affecting those around them.

    I find it suspicious that he says he has done nothing wrong. Could be true but I'm sure there is a reason behind it. Again, very typical of a Difficult Child to think that nothing is their fault.

    I had several episodes like this where my son would fly into these fits, lots of crying and cussing and telling us how no one loved him, he was all alone, how he wished that he had never been born, and on and on and on.

    I think they just get to that point of complete desperation and don't know what to do. They simply want to rely on someone else to take care of them. They want to be able to party and have a good time but when anyone confronts them about any type of responsibility they lose it.

    I know you are hurting but you will get through this. I remember feeling the same way many times, just being so completely tired of it all, just wanting to lay down and not get up but I did not give in to it.
    Jabber has a good point, it's not about forgiveness. I have forgiven my son for some really horrible things but I don't think I will ever trust him again. Trust is one of the hardest things to rebuild. It's not that it can't be done but it does take a lot of hard work on the part of the Difficult Child.
    Your family dynamics have changed but that doesn't mean you don't have a family. Family goes far beyond blood. I like you have only one child but I do not define my family as me, husband. I define family as those who stand by you, those who are there for you, the people you could call in the middle of the night. My husband is my family and we have extended family in our church and our friends.
    I had to mourn the loss of the relationship I had with my son. I will always have a glimmer of hope that someday we might have a good, healthy relationship but I am realistic enough to know that may never happen and I'm ok with that. I as you need to go on and live our lives.

    Lil, you are so blessed to have Jabber and he is blessed to have you. Cherish that. Hold on to each other and you will get through this.

    ((HUGS)) to you..............
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  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I do too. But there's the large "family", and then there's the specific, parents and children, FAMILY. Without my son I don't feel quite whole. I guess it's like - I've never felt quite the same since my mother died. Like that "FAMILY" was no longer whole. I imagine it's the same if a child dies.

    Kind of academic now I suppose. Since he's a jerk and I hate him.

    Yeah...I know...not really. But he really is a jerk.

    I know that. Believe me, I don't think he realizes how much I love him. He'll read this of course...but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt how lucky I am. People throw around the words "soul-mate" and "other half", but I mean them...I truly do. He completes me. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

    (I hope I didn't embarrass you honey. I don't expect you to say anything in writing here.)

    Seriously though...Is my son out of his mind? In what world does a SANE person go through what happened today and then think he might be invited over to watch TV? Oh. My. God! I just can't get over that. He's got a mental disease. He's not just "difficult", he has an actual sickness. A real, diagnosable one. I never really thought so before. I just thought he was kind of a pain and spoiled. But now I know it. Because normal, typical people do not think that's even a possibility.

    I'm just kind of numb at this point. Good Lord...I just keep shaking my head in disbelief.
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I want to apologize for this statement. I was kind of rambling when I posted and on top of everything else, my brain keeps going back to my first thought when I saw her which was, "THAT is what this fuss is all about?" I'd expected some cougar.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You're TOO sensitive!
  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Absolutely beautiful. :love_heart:

    That's the part that just never makes sense. My son used to pull the same kind of things. I remember when my son took a butcher knife and hacked away at my kitchen counters (he did this because he couldn't find money to steal). I had to get new counter tops. After the new counter tops were installed my son asked for a new skate board. I told him there was no way I was going to buy him anything let alone a new skate board since I had to replace counter tops that he destroyed. His response left me shaking my head, "sure, you can spend money on your stupid counter tops but won't buy me anything. I know you have the money b--ch"
    Yup, shaking the head in disbelief, I know that one well.
  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Entirely possible. Which is kind of ironic, since I'm actually quite thick-skinned about most things and think the world would be better if people just wouldn't get so easily offended.

    Wow. The b---ch would have me taking his head off. Even today, he didn't swear AT us. Isn't that odd?
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    :group-hug:You do not deserve his garbage. Do not allow him to destroy your life. I am so frustrated with all of our kids right now. I could chew glass.
  12. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    First big hugs of understanding to both you and Jabber. I have been in similar situations with our difficult child. I like you was so very upset, hurt and angry and confused! I've learned some things since much time has passed since those early days.... There is an emotional disconnect in these children, period. They do not understand cause and effect even when time and time again they've gotten the same knock on the head for their poor choices. In my opinion, those are the key words for most of our difficult child children. Emotional disconnect. Things don't go the way our difficult child's want them to go, or more likely *we* don't respond the way *they* want us to and all h*ll breaks lose. Once they are on a roll, there is no reasoning with them. They will not stop until they are ready to stop and once it's over, they act pretty much like nothing happened and they can go on with life. Parents and family members on the other hand are emotionally at their breaking point wondering what just happened and are mourning the "normal" they wish they had in their family.

    In our family, the violent outbursts have stopped, but words can be just as damaging. In our situation i have to work hard not to get involved in the chaos our difficult child brings to us. There is an emotional disconnect. I won't allow myself to go there any longer. Not saying I still don't get crazy and frustrated, but I have learned that I will not engage and *I* decide what I will or won't do.

    It won't be long and you'll get there also. It won't be long and you'll say, I love my son but I will not allow him to do this to me or to us any longer. And in your heart you'll learn the more you "help" him the more he will continue on this same path. It's a horrible thing we have to do with our children. They need us so much, yet they won't allow us to help them in a way that they are accountable. Hugs LIL.
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  13. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    This is so over the top for him that all I could think of (yes I know I'm paranoid about it) but drugs. Drugs, drugs, drugs. This couple...and him...doing drugs. If they aren't having sex what's going on with them? Makes no sense. He is acting insane. This is not pot. I am guessing you will find out sooner or later that he has taken a bigger step into drugland. I hope I'm wrong, but even if I am, he has taken a major step toward acting like a total thug.

    I am so sorry you had to go through this, but, if it's not drugs, June is nearing and he needs to maybe kick up some funky drama so that you'll feel sorry for him and let him back home. by the way in his state of mind I wouldn't let him in the house. You don't know if it WAS drugs that caused him to get violent, and, if it is, he is dangerous to both of you.

    Although you may never know the truth about this couple and your son, he has something they want. And if it isn't a threesome (cough) it has to be something else. Maybe he has connections to drugs. Maybe they are into other criminal activities. You don't know WHAT is going on. We never do. It's not just you. Our grown kids do not share the worst with us. They skim the surface or outright lie.

    Please be very careful of yourselves. Your son was very ungracious. He is so lucky. Over my dead body would I have ever allowed a child who stole from me and refused to work to do yard work to make a dime from me. You are generous and I hope he appreciates both of you one day.
  14. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    This may be the biggest understatement ever. :rofl: Oh, I know you didn't mean it that way...but thank you so much! I needed that.

    I don't know. I really, really don't. Obviously, the police asked the same thing. He just applied for a job that drug tests. He was so sure he's going to get the job that I can't think that he's been doing drugs ... at least not anything that would show. But I don't know.

    All I know is I'm exhausted. Jabber and I were out to dinner with friends last night and didn't get to bed until very late, well after midnight. And then all the drama today. I feel better, now that I've eaten...I pretty much didn't all day. It was kind of nice to have dinner with 1,300 calories to burn.

    As for may be as simple as what Tanya said:

    He does have a tendency to work himself up and he just ... freaks out. Its one of the things I always wanted him to work on with a therapist. But of course, that's not to be.
  15. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    This is a distinct possibility. Then again, it could just be the K-2 talking, we may never know.

    He wont be allowed in this house anytime soon. No, that may have started off as feel sorry for me drama but in the end he was TRYING to get me to hit him. Then, after he was finally out of the car, he paced the lot talking on the phone to presumably the "not cougar". I kept hearing him say the police were called and he was about to go to jail. The more I think about it, and I know Lil will probably disagree with me on this, the more I think he WAS fishing for sympathy. But not from us. What better way in his twisted little brain to get sympathy from the people about to kick him out to be able to say he got beat up by the evil step dad.

    I do know that he doesnt want to speak to me right now. Lil logged on to FB and he messaged her apologizing. I've seen him log off twice when I was on FB since this happened so he is at least avoiding me.

    That being said, I have to take my fair share of the blame. I lost it and I shouldnt have. When Lil told me to pull over my initial reaction was to continue on and take him back to his apartment. Wishing now I had.
  16. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Not that K2 and synthetic isn't bad...but you know, it's not heroin or meth or crack or whatever. I don't think it's something like that, but I don't know what it is though...unless it's just "him".
  17. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. Not suprised he escalated. If not drugs, or besides drugs,maybe borderline traits.

    Hang in there and stick together! So important to put up a united front.
  18. Tentimesaround

    Tentimesaround New Member

    I am so sorry Liz and Jabber. I could insert my Difficult Child's name in this story! I have been through situations similar to this many, many times. These kids seem so detached from reality it's truly shocking. As normal logical people, I know we all struggle with the "whys" of tough times like these. I hope and pray that some how these children can grow up and function in this world someday. Hugs to both of you. Stay strong.
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    That scene could have been my childhood on any night my dad and bro had a conversation after bro turned 12. Except with-o the cops. My bro would just lose it, fly off the handle, say outright crazy awful things and then storm away.

    Half an hour later the rest of us were reeling from the aftermath and he wanted ice cream and hugs as if nothing happened.

    I honestly think some of our difficult people blow up and for them it is then done, over, and in the past. If, of course, they got to scream and yell and throw things and explode all over us. Once they have purged all this ugly garbage, they are just fine. they cannot figure out why we are not because after all, they feel all better now. They got it out, and they are over it. they told us how we are wrong, we are to fix what they said is wrong, and they are in happy times.

    The fact that we are stunned and in shock over the hideously hurtful things they said and did, well, that isn't even on their radar.

    I honestly think that they don't see us as separate beings, as people with our own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. We are extensions of them, and as such if they are upset then our worlds are their punching bags, but if they are fine then we cannot have any real problems because they feel fine. I don't think they see us as even close to real people. We are just puppets that revolve around them.

    Given this, I think his Game of Thrones thing is rational - in HIS REALITY. Not in actual reality but when has actual reality EVER been part of their world?

    I am so sorry that you are reeling. Give yourself that time to chill, to breathe.

    You and Jabber are lucky and blessed to have each other. I am glad you have Jabber in your life and that he has you.
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  20. hopeandjoy66

    hopeandjoy66 Member

    As far as the job thing with Difficult Child. I don't know about yours, but ours will answer or say whatever they think we want to hear. "Ya, I think I will get the job", meanwhile the potential employer has already said it is a no.
    We have finally stopped asking him,
    is he taking his medications or are you using meth? He responds to what we want to hear, when in reality all of it is lies.
    Thinking about the other couple thing, not that it really matters. Maybe he "borrowed" a few dollars from them and was found out. Like I said, what is reality and what is their story can be like reading from two different books.
    Hugs to you both.