From the beginning

[Meganb87]

Everything started when my youngest son who’s six now was 3. It was a ruff time his dad just started to want to see him and he hadn’t seen him since he was 6 months old. We did supervised visits and saw a therapist to start off visits so my son could get used to his dad. Well I already knew he had adhd real bad but as visits started and everything my son was then diagnosed with ODD. Which I thought was strange cause he never acted like this before. As time went on I was learning what to do when he threw a fit and was aggressive. Well soon after supervised visits were done he saw him once a week and then my son came home with a bruise right across his face which he had stated his dad had done it and Cps was involved and closed the case because he was back to supervised visits. Well supervised visits have been over with for 2yrs now and my son is just getting worse. I know I sound horrible because at first when I found out I was pregnant with him I looked at abortion and adoption because my middle son just turned one was going through divorce and I didn’t want another child. But I didn’t I had him and don’t get me wrong I love him more then life itself. But with how bad things get sometimes I wonder what if I did abort him or put him up for adoption maybe he wouldn’t have the disorder or if I was a better mom he wouldn’t have this. When he was a baby I had to goto work 2 weeks after he was born because his dad didn’t work and when I left after a year and a half later I found out he didn’t take care of him my oldest son who’s 11 now was taking care of him making his bottles and if he asked how to make his bottle my youngest sons dad would tell him he should know it’s his job. And I hate this man still today he did a lot to my kids that I didn’t know about til I left. But back to my youngest he cries every time he has to goto his dads and begs me to let him stay here but I can’t I’ve been fighting for him since the day his dad decided he wanted to be one. Courts won’t change their mind. But my son went from a loving sweetest boy to an aggressive mad demon child. He started kindergarten in sept and he’s been kicked out of school twice. He punches the teachers cusses at them and when I come to get him he yells at me and calls me horrible names. I finally got him evaluated and he still has the ODD and has a worker who sees him once a week at school. I don’t see anything helping he physically abuses my babysitter and his older brothers and little sister. His dad says he doesn’t act this way at his house but I don't know what to believe on that. I keep trying to look for ways to help like blowing bubbles or blowing up a balloon. But nothing is calming him down. He is on medicine for his adhd but I don’t even think that’s working anymore. I keep researching to find ideas and other ways to handle him. Now I am a lay back parent and my kids learn by doing. Like my youngest wouldn’t stop tipping his chair back no matter how many times I have told him not to but then he busted his head open from doing so and he learned his lesson. But things with his behavior is getting worse and sometimes I feel like just giving him to his dad and say u deal with him even though I know that is not the right choice. I just don’t know what to do anymore and how to handle it. Please tell me I’m not the only parent dealing with this or feels like this cause I feel like the worse mother in the world.

 

[BusynMember]

I would worry Dad was sexually or otherwise abusing him. I would. Or somebody who visits him.

But havi g said that, my own son is winding up family court for his ten year old and his mother and step dad definitely abuse hum. My grand still screams when he has to see Mom. But the courts demand proof of abuse. And our little guy talking to a court appointed psychologist didnt change anything. So I know how hard it is to get custody changes. My grandson is too scared of his step dad to tell everything to anyone excet my son and my son gets told that his son has to say it and even then he is probably too young to be believed with no proof.

They have bruised him but say he fell down, hurt himself etc. They are too smart to mark him up badly but he is locked in his room with no dinner etc. But cant be proven. They tell everyone their son is a liar so who will believe him?

My son got a new lawyer and progress is finally being made....baby steps. She believes the abuse. Now we see if she can change anything.

Sadly your little boy is so young and courts tend to want parents to see their kids unless it is proven a risk.

I feel really bad for you and your son. You may want to at least try a lawyer if you can afford one. I know how expensive they are. My ex pays my sons legal bills or he would have no lawyer and my son makes a lot of money but a lot goes to child support, childcare, medical, his mortgage, orthodontics etc.

Try to hang in there. I feel very bad for you and your son. You are a GOOD mother. Dont think its you. Ever.

 

[Meganb87]

Thank u and I don't know about that but he has one daughter in Florida he never claimed and he has a 13 yr old daughter that refuses to see him but his ten yr old daughter sees him every other weekend so I don't know but things with my youngest are hard I almost lost my job from having to leave to pick him up because he acted out at school came in late to work for the same reason and then calling off because of Cps coming to my house. I know I’m trying and there are times I am so overwhelmed and stressed and depressed I just want to throw in the towel I just feel like I’m trying and trying and trying and never get anywhere. I just don’t know what to do. I feel lost and that I’m going crazy sometimes. There are times I have broken down and cried. I’m emotionally and mentally exhausted. And I have demons of my own that I battle and having a child that has this disorder isn’t helping me but I can’t work on myself until I can get my son better. My children are everything to me and I couldn’t imagine my life with out them they are everything to me I just wish soooo much how to handle all of this.

 

[ksm]

I'm so sorry, I know how difficult it is when you know your child needs help and you can't find the right help.

About the only thing I have to suggest is to ask his doctor about DNA testing to find out what medications is best for him.

We tried different medications for our adopted granddaughters, but they didn't help, and some seemed to make behaviors worse. They take a saliva sample and a week later the doctor had the report. They divided the medications in three columns, suggested medications, use with caution, and use with extreme caution. The medications she had been prescribed were not the suggested ones.

It was all based on your liver enzymes. She was missing a specific enzyme for certain medications. Plus, she had twice as many of a different enzyme, so she was a rapid metabolizer of certain medications, and couldn't metabolize other medications.

The test helped find the best medications for her. Unfortunately, she was in her late teens by then and refused medications once she turned 18.

You also might research "waiver for SED" Severely Emotionally Disturbed. Most states have this program, accessed thru the state insurance, by the mental health facilities. Then, extra services might be provided by the state, at no cost to you. Things like respite care, case manager, etc.

Plus, this would have more professionals involved in his care, and these professionals might carry more weight with the legal systems, if the boy's father really shouldn't have him without supervision.

I know it's hard, but keep trying to get him the help he needs. Behaviors tend to get worse as puberty.

Ksm

 

[Elsi]

Oh Megan I’m so sorry you and your kids are going through this. It does sound like he is reacting to some kind of trauma with his dad. Which is horrible. My marriage was abusive and I am still furious at the lasting damage he has done to the kids. Mine are grown now but still struggling with the repercussions. I pray you are able to find enough proof to get these visits stopped as it seems to be driving the behavior.

Are your kids still in regular counseling? If not I would push for that for both of them.

I would also make sure your kids always know you are a safe place to come to talk about ANYTHING that may be going on. It’s dicey trying to push TOO hard for specifics of what’s happening with dad - with the courts, you don’t want to be accused of putting words or thoughts into their heads or you may be accused of ‘alienation’. But you can ask them How things went and if they seem upset or if the youngest is especially difficult after a visit ask if something upset them. And you can keep them in counseling - a professional knows how to ask in the right way and will be an objective third party for any future court action.

I disagree that you can’t work on yourself until your child is better. In fact, I would argue that taking care of yourself, including battling your own demons, is an essential first step. You know why airlines always tell you ‘put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping your child?’ That’s because if you are strong, you can always help your child, but if you go under, your child cannot help you - and will have no one left to help him. You have to keep yourself strong. If you are not in counseling yourself, please look into some options. There are low cost/sliding scale clinics. And even online options now, though I think sometimes face to face is better. But self care is not selfish, and it’s not optional. Your children need you to be strong, calm and stable. Your stability will help your youngest more than anything else right now.

Keep in mind ODD is a description, nothing more. It does not mean your child is fundamentally broken or cannot have a better future. It is simply a description to apply to his outward behaviors right now. None of us can read the future. With the timing of when this started, it suggests strongly to me that this may be triggered behavior, which means that getting to the bottom of the trigger is just as I,portent as medicine and other treatments. But of course I could be wrong on that. There are so many variables with these things, genetic and environmental, that it really takes a professional to sort it all out - or several. I pray you and the kids get the help you need.

In the meantime, keep posting here. Vent, cry, get it off your chest, and hear from others walking this path.

Big hugs.

 

[Meganb87]

I'm so sorry, I know how difficult it is when you know your child needs help and you can't find the right help.

About the only thing I have to suggest is to ask his doctor about DNA testing to find out what medications is best for him.

We tried different medications for our adopted granddaughters, but they didn't help, and some seemed to make behaviors worse. They take a saliva sample and a week later the doctor had the report. They divided the medications in three columns, suggested medications, use with caution, and use with extreme caution. The medications she had been prescribed were not the suggested ones.

It was all based on your liver enzymes. She was missing a specific enzyme for certain medications. Plus, she had twice as many of a different enzyme, so she was a rapid metabolizer of certain medications, and couldn't metabolize other medications.

The test helped find the best medications for her. Unfortunately, she was in her late teens by then and refused medications once she turned 18.

You also might research "waiver for SED" Severely Emotionally Disturbed. Most states have this program, accessed thru the state insurance, by the mental health facilities. Then, extra services might be provided by the state, at no cost to you. Things like respite care, case manager, etc.

Plus, this would have more professionals involved in his care, and these professionals might carry more weight with the legal systems, if the boy's father really shouldn't have him without supervision.

I know it's hard, but keep trying to get him the help he needs. Behaviors tend to get worse as puberty.

Ksm

Thank u sooo much I had the genetic test done for him when he started acting more violent and that’s when we found out that he can’t take stimulants. He can only take 3 kinds of medications and I have a mental health case worker that works with him once a week and we are going to test him to see if he has any anxiety or mood disorder as well

 

[Meganb87]

Oh Megan I’m so sorry you and your kids are going through this. It does sound like he is reacting to some kind of trauma with his dad. Which is horrible. My marriage was abusive and I am still furious at the lasting damage he has done to the kids. Mine are grown now but still struggling with the repercussions. I pray you are able to find enough proof to get these visits stopped as it seems to be driving the behavior.

Are your kids still in regular counseling? If not I would push for that for both of them.

I would also make sure your kids always know you are a safe place to come to talk about ANYTHING that may be going on. It’s dicey trying to push TOO hard for specifics of what’s happening with dad - with the courts, you don’t want to be accused of putting words or thoughts into their heads or you may be accused of ‘alienation’. But you can ask them How things went and if they seem upset or if the youngest is especially difficult after a visit ask if something upset them. And you can keep them in counseling - a professional knows how to ask in the right way and will be an objective third party for any future court action.

I disagree that you can’t work on yourself until your child is better. In fact, I would argue that taking care of yourself, including battling your own demons, is an essential first step. You know why airlines always tell you ‘put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping your child?’ That’s because if you are strong, you can always help your child, but if you go under, your child cannot help you - and will have no one left to help him. You have to keep yourself strong. If you are not in counseling yourself, please look into some options. There are low cost/sliding scale clinics. And even online options now, though I think sometimes face to face is better. But self care is not selfish, and it’s not optional. Your children need you to be strong, calm and stable. Your stability will help your youngest more than anything else right now.

Keep in mind ODD is a description, nothing more. It does not mean your child is fundamentally broken or cannot have a better future. It is simply a description to apply to his outward behaviors right now. None of us can read the future. With the timing of when this started, it suggests strongly to me that this may be triggered behavior, which means that getting to the bottom of the trigger is just as I,portent as medicine and other treatments. But of course I could be wrong on that. There are so many variables with these things, genetic and environmental, that it really takes a professional to sort it all out - or several. I pray you and the kids get the help you need.

In the meantime, keep posting here. Vent, cry, get it off your chest, and hear from others walking this path.

Big hugs.

Thank u and the kids aren’t in counseling anymore but my oldest who’s 11 has started to blame me for not letting him see his dad when his dad took off to Idaho and created another family with someone else in Idaho. I don’t talk bad about his dad I just tell him when ur dad comes to Michigan u can see him. And he hasn’t came around in 8 years. And my middle son doesn’t even know him. And I did counseling for a little bit but when suppressed memories started to come back I couldn’t handle it and I left. I have Dermatillomania and that is my worst demon I face everyday. And I am on antidepressants and anxiety medicine because I’m a massive depresent. Last night I was at work and I almost lost my job because of my situation with my son and I I don’t want to blame him but part of me does and I hate it. Sometimes I wish there was a fix it button. But it doesn’t help that his dad won’t give him his medicine when he’s over there and I wish soooo bad that I could get inside my sons head to find out what goes on with him. But I did tell his mental health case worker that I wanted him to start seeing the physiatrist they have so when winter break is over she will get the lab report done so we can get started on that. And I feel ur pain with being in abusive relationship my ex husband was with me all the time. And when my middle son was 5 months and he attacked me and I knew that if I didn’t cover him he would have gotten those blows and that’s when I had enough, and I left for good. But my youngest sons dad was abusive to me and it took me to find out my youngest had a sister a month older then him to leave. My daughters dad is the man I have been with for five years and he’s done greatness for the kids and has taught them some things I wouldn’t of been able to. But he is only around the kids 2 hours a day due to work. But I am hoping that with my youngest seeing this therapist we can get to the root of the problem. And ur right not being able to help ur children when u know they are suffering is the worst pain a mother can feel. And watching him cry and beg not to goto his dads kills me.

 

[Crayola13]

Could it be that he's modeling his father's behavior? Is his father aggressive and angry much of the time?