Getting through Mother's Day

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Beta, May 13, 2018.

  1. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    It's Mother's Day and I'm wondering how others deal with the silence from a mentally ill adult child on this day? My son is 28 YO (undiagnosed) but most likely Bipolar, adopted, biracial. He has estranged himself from his dad and I because we won't help him get another car (we just gave him one of ours in January). I feel sad. Memories of him as a baby, toddler, preschooler, etc. pop into my mind throughout each day, and I feel so sad to lose that beautiful boy and the dreams we had for him. Just wanted to unload. Thankyou.
  2. Feeling sad as well. My son is 23 and hasn't text me Happy Mother's Day or Happy Birthday in years... It really hurts. My son is so self absorbed in his weed and booze and now just lost his long term girlfriend due to it but doesn't get it as to why she left....I remember all the good times as well. We were like glue when he was little. Always playing outside. So sad.
  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for your heartache over your sons.
    I don’t hear from my two daughters and don’t expect to on special occasions.
    They are too wrapped up in their own lifestyles out there somewhere finding their way. When I stopped enabling them, they stopped contacting me. That says a lot. Their street friends who they party with are more important than family.
    I don’t want my heart torn and manipulated. I won’t fund their drug use, or entertain their blaming me for their choices.
    It has been years on this “hell” go round and I am not getting any younger. I don’t want to focus on what my off the rails two are doing anymore. So, I gave them over to God, and ask Him to watch over them.
    With this, I have hope they will find their potential. But, I don’t have expectations for cards or calls, or anything. That just leads to disappointment.
    I have had to train myself to switch focus. Instead of longing for days gone by, I am thankful for the wonderful times we had as a family.
    It is a grieving we go through when our kids grow up and travel down roads we never imagined. In grief, time can speed up and can also be agonizingly slow, especially when holidays come round and all of what is supposed to be, isn’t. It just churns up those memories and unanswerable questions.

    Time can also heal those wounds, but we do have to work at processing the feelings.

    I am at the point where I look at the good times with a bittersweet gratitude for the blessings of raising my two, and hope that those memories will spark a desire to choose better for themselves.
    I would give all the special occasions, calls and cards for them just to be well.
    That is not up to me.
    So, I try to focus on what is up to me, and that is how I live my life.
    On this Mother’s Day and other special occasions, I wish for peace of heart and mind.
    I wish for all mothers in our situation to know that we have done the best job we could in raising our children, those memories and values are within them, too.
    No matter how distant they are, the good times we remember are still there for them too.
  4. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Thank you both for your replies. I am sorry for your grief and disappointment that you are living with.
    New Leaf, a lot what you said about the grief process, longing for days gone by, training your thoughts and focus, trying to be thankful for the good years you had, and trying to live YOUR life, really resonated with me. I've been thinking those same things lately and wondering if that was the right way to respond and think, so it was good to hear someone else echo the same longings, grief, and response to that.
    One thing I've noticed about this grief process, it's not linear. You can go back and forth between the stages. I switch between accepting that this is the way things are at the moment and leaving him in God's hands daily and total shock that we are in this place in life. He graduated from high school ten years ago yesterday, had a soccer scholarship to a community college and dreams of being a soccer coach, etc. We spent years encouraging and supporting him in this. Now, if he works, he works as a "temp" general laborer. His credit is shot. He sees us as the enemy and wants nothing to do with us because in his mind, we "never cared for him or did anything for him" and we currently refuse to co-sign on a car loan so he can buy a used "status car", something he has become fixated on in his Bipolar mind.
    But like you, I want some peace and joy in my life. So I pray for him as God brings him to mind and trust that He will keep him and help him out of this darkness. Sometimes I just wish I could turn the good memories though; they almost seem to make things harder to accept.
    May God comfort all of us as hurting parents.
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  5. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Mother's Day for my wife was tough. We spent the weekend with both of our (wife's and mine) mothers and had as nice a time as could be expected.

    Neither stepson called wife. YS remains adamant that wife is the reason for all his problems and that he wants nothing to do with her, ever again, at all.

    DS ghosted us while YS was still hospitalized. We haven't heard from him in over six months.

    This should be a time of celebration for DS - he was supposed to graduate high school this year. He has chosen another way. He hasn't done any work in his online HS program since February. He's essentially dropped out. No idea if his father even knows, or what his father is doing about the situation. And it's not my business.

    All of this has my wife experiencing terrible grief and pain. I do my best to be supportive. Sometimes her pain turns into anger and wife lashes out. In those cases I set boundaries and steer clear of her.

    My compassion to everyone else whose children's paths have taken them far from us for the moment.