Going for a visit... :)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Aug 3, 2018.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I always wonder if I should post things like this here. So many of you are having such a hard time. There was a time when PE was my lifeline. There were times I don't think Jabber and I'd have gotten thru without you fine people. I hate to post something too upbeat because (1) I don't want anyone to feel bad in comparison and (2) I'm afraid I'll jinx myself. o_O Maybe those are in the wrong order. I do still knock on wood when I tell people something positive about our son.

    I've spend a good part of two days looking at pet-friendly Airbnb's so we can go out for a visit in October. I've texted our son and his fiancé to find out what days they normally get off work, if they know...it appears they have odd schedules. When they get back to us, we're ready to book. We're skipping a different vacation in order to go out there instead and I'd love to work around their schedules so they don't have to ask off extra days.

    We haven't seen him since last September. We don't talk much - we do text....but usually I have to initiate those unless it's mother's day or father's day. He does send greetings then, I suspect because the fiancé reminds him. So much has changed since last September. They've moved out of her parent's home into their own apartment in a different town (with a roommate - rent is HIGH out there) and both have different jobs, they adopted a dog - and of course, they got engaged. It seems that being two states away finally made him straighten up...at least enough to work and keep a roof over his own head. That and finding a really good young woman. I give her lots of credit.

    Do you hear me knocking? I really hope this desk is real wood - Oak is best. ;) It scares me to put that in writing! Lord, please don't let this jinx it!

    It's very odd, because I'm just so excited! Lately I've just missed him SO MUCH! I don't usually. For so long it was so hard to have him around that out of sight became out of mind...when he was gone we were finally able to relax. Not that I ever didn't love him...and hurt...but even in the best of times, it was just such hard work trying to stay positive...it was exhausting. It's so very, very strange to plan a trip and assume it will be pleasant! There is still, after a whole year with virtually no drama, this little nagging voice warning me not to relax. My desire to talk to (or at least text) my son get's pushed aside so often still by the fear that if I do contact him his response will be one of doom and gloom. There's still the worry that it will all fall apart. I guess, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    But, I guess if it does it does - we'll deal. And if not, then :thumbsup: yay. I'm going to take pleasure in the planning and the thought of seeing the mountains again...and hopefully my scruffy son and his lovely fiancé will make the trip a happy one.
     
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  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your story gives people
    hope. We all love your family. Im so happy for you. When things were at their worst happy stories gave me hope. Trust me, his not calling you a lot is a GOOD thing. All my kids are more apt to call if somethung is bothering them. Texting means all is good!

    Enjoy!!!
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2018
  3. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Lil,
    That is great! As someone in the thick of it, I appreciate stories of hope, along with those suffering alongside I think we need them both. It is good to have hope. With my son gone from the home for 3 weeks (this time), the anxiety and sadness is still so fresh and the peace is hard to settle into. He didn't text me for 2 days after tirades for many before, I just don't know what to make of it. Then he texted this morning that he had half of his car payment because he got paid from new job. I know I am still in the storm but even for a moment's peace I will take it!

    I understand what you mean about giving credit to the young woman in his life. I feel that if my son had a relationship then he wouldn't focus on his relationship with us as much and he might understand a little better what it means to be a couple. But he can't be in one because he is so messed up. Catch 22.

    We too, will be heading for the mountains in October to meet husband's bio mom in person. I am so excited and looking forward to getting away. It is something to look forward to!
     
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  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Li. What a poignant post.

    What you went through is so real to me. I am not sure why. That apartment, where he had to walk. The multiple jobs. Lost. I had a mental picture of all of it. Job Corps. The fat guy who was at your house. When sister in law dropped son off at the motel in the middle of nowhere. Your agony. The bbq or party outside. When son was with Jabber's parents. All of it, to me, engraved itself in my mind. It is like yesterday.

    And then all of a sudden, everything on the back burner. The scary part when he left. Without a plan. Or with the only plan--the pot. And so quickly: Just a simmer. Son staying in then girlfriend's dorm. Yes. There was anxiety, but not of the dangerous sort. All.of.the.drama.just.got sucked.out.of.it. And I really do not understand how and why.

    But let me speak to your two points.

    First, lest we feel bad. How could we? With all that suffering in the rear view mirror? We lived it all with you, and your good result, is ours.

    I am not sure if what I feel is hope. Because my son's result is independent of your own.

    But I feel respect for you. You pulled back. Way back. Yes. You credit the ID issue as forcing the issue. But I do not believe that. You basically let him live, and you took yourself out of it, and you let him deal with his life, and solve his own problems. And boy oh boy did he step up.

    So more than anything, i acknowledge you for modeling that. Because that is available TO ANY ONE of us. And it is completely independent of a result. IT COULD HAVE GONE EITHER WAY. As it still could. Which is the real truth which you TELL.

    Which is Swot's point. At any point our kids can make different choices. For good or ill. That is the (bitter?) pill we have to swallow. I am reading the bible now. It is helping me cope. I came up with that as an alternative to online shopping or the news, to help me cope with anxiety and sadness. Duh.

    Well. One take away is this: Gee those people (Genesis) sure had trouble with their kids. So. That helps. We are dealing with the human condition. Hellllllloooo. I feel kind of sheepish here that I have been making a big deal, like I am some personage of biblical proportions.

    But actually, that is really how our stories feel to me: I mean. We dwell on the twists and turns, like the import is titanic. Because it is.

    So. that is how I feel about your story. I am part of it. As you are part of mine. A conversation about life.
     
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    Last edited: Aug 3, 2018
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The young woman sounds amazing. It is to your sons credit that he picked a good woman. And is living up to what she wants from him.

    So often the SO makes things worse or our adult picks a bad partner, for whatever reason.

    Your son made a wonderful choice, perhaps based on seeing you and Jabber for years. I do think it matters. My daughter and son who saw me unhappily with ex picked not so hot partners, especially my son. But my daughter who saw me with hubby picked the best young man ever and Jumper often writes cards to us on our birthdays and anniversity or just tells us that we showed her that true forever love is possible. I know she watched us carefully. I think they all do.

    Your son made a good decision but I believe you and Jabber were a part of it. Celebrate yourselves too!

    Kudos!
     
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  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Thank you all, but especially you @Copabanana - you made me cry. Really, that all of that you can recall so easily - what a wonderful person you are to care so much that you remember the whole sordid story. lol - Thank you so much. :hugs:

    That made me laugh! I guess whatever we've got, there are very few who have Difficult Children quite as bad as Cain, huh? I suppose that does put things in perspective.

    @bluebell - he texted, he's working, he has half his car payment...all good things. Take your peace where you can find it. :)

    SWOT, as always, thank you too my friend. You're right, they so often make poor choices of partners. I think we (he) got very lucky. :)
     
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  7. overcome mom

    overcome mom Member

    I am new to the forum but so glad to hear that things can change. I always have had hope and when you are in the thick of things it is hard to see that it will ever change. To get through sometimes I look at one little things my son has done or said that means that he is making some progress. So happy for you ,your family and your son.
     
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  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    The date is set, October 14! :)
     
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  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Lil, thank you so much for sharing your good news. It shines a ray of hope for those of us waiting in the wings for our beloveds to awaken to their true potential. It is also a testimony to letting go and allowing our adult children to bear the consequences of their choices, to see their responsibility for their decisions and actions. I am so glad that your son found a good woman to help him through the darkness. Have a wonderful trip and please don’t hold back from sharing. It shows that our adult kids do have that chance to come through the other side and make a good life for themselves.
    Congratulations Lil and Jabber. Prayers that your son continues to make strides towards a new and promising horizon!
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  10. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Happy for you guys!
     
  11. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    Please never hesitate to share good news we are all hoping that you each other gets to that place
     
  12. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    That's great, Lil! Wonderful news for you and Jabber. I'm so happy that your son has found his footing. He is really impressing us lately! I wish you could tell him how proud we all are of him :D

    I hope you have a great visit. Fall will be a beautiful time to go, too!
     
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  13. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    What a great post, Lil! You give me hope, too. My son has been on the other side of the world for eight years now, and like you I have mixed feelings -- of course I still love him, but oh the peace and quiet having him so far away.
    Anyway, have a wonderful trip and I hope it all goes smoothly. I hope you'll tell us about it when you get back.
    Love, Esther
     
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  14. OTE

    OTE Guest

    Take happiness when and where you can. Thanks for posting cause it makes me smile for you.
     
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Lil so happy for you guys! I truly am.

    I could have written the above paragraph myself. My son has been sober since September and has moved up into the "Hope House". Is working; mainly on his own but tethered to the group. Is positive. Is happy. Is excited about LIFE! Is getting buff working out. He says "don't you miss me"? I feel like you. I have not missed the person he was when he left OR the person he is when he relapses.

    What does Demi Lovoto's mother do??

    Please do try to relax and ENJOY this wonderful time of your life. I pray for you that your son stays on track but I really really feel good about this!

    :bravo:
     
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  16. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Am glad for your happiness will pray it continues.
     
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  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Wonderful. I am so happy for yoir precious family.