Good News/Bad News

LauraH

Well-Known Member
The good news is that my son seems to be really trying to keep his attitude towards me in check, or at least trying to not let it show, and I am trying as well not to react. I've gotten better at overlooking minor things he does that tend to irritate me or ending a conversation when I hear defensiveness, agitation, or annoyance in his voice.

The bad news is that as far as I can tell, he's not making any kind of effort to look for a job, nor has he even begun to take the online course for the one job offer I know he's received. It's a 60 hour course and he was offered the job, pending the course, 10 days ago. About a week ago he told me he relapsed with the meth and then went to an NA meeting and even got a temporary sponsor. He said at that time he wanted to go to one meeting a day, something I think they call 90 in 90, but to my knowledge hasn't been to one since. He hasn't said if he's talked to his sponsor since then, which makes me think he hasn't reached out to her either.

Mostly what I see him doing is showing up at my house nearly every day around between 1 and 3 in the afternoon and crashing on my couch, exhausted, until 6 or 7, then hanging out here and at some point leaving to go meet up with friends, usually after 10 and sometimes after midnight. He's not "in my way" per se and I have no problem vacuuming or taking care of other responsibilities while he's trying to sleep. But it's still getting old. He's gotten his medications straightened out so as far as I can guess, the exhaustion stems from his late night activities. If I let him keep doing this, I feel like I'm enabling him to continue whatever it is he's doing. But if I put my foot down I fear I'll unleash a monster.

Also he got some kind of check from a former employer maybe three days ago. I have no idea the amount, but I know he went on a spending spree and now it's gone for the most part.

I have to tread lightly because my husband's blood pressure is up (his doctor increased the dosage of two of his blood pressure medications) and she also gave him something for his heart, as his most recent checkup indicated a faster than normal heartrate. If I do confront my son it might get a little less dramatic if my husband was there to back me up, but I'm sure he wants no part of that confrontation...and he has to put his health first, especially right now.

I'm thinking I could take the "coward's way out" and send him an email or Facebook message and then pray he doesn't come storming over in a rage. Neither option, face to face or email, is good and both have potentially chaotic consequences. I know what I need to do, but no idea the best way to do it.

Should I just let us all get safely through Thanksgiving first? This is the first year we're doing anything at home. Usually we go to my brother-in-law's (husband's brother) but they're doing other things this year so we're having a couple of people here for dinner. I hate the idea of blowing that up with a necessary but ill-timed confrontation with my son.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
I would (for me) let things slide thru thanksgiving. But that's just me...

But I realize I would not want the cycle you are in to continue in your home. You said he got a check...and he went on a spending spree. is there anything he brought home? When my dtr is using, she would get money, then use on drugs or alcohol.

Sorry you are dealing with this, on top of your husbands health issued. Ksm
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
I would (for me) let things slide thru thanksgiving. But that's just me...

But I realize I would not want the cycle you are in to continue in your home. You said he got a check...and he went on a spending spree. is there anything he brought home? When my dtr is using, she would get money, then use on drugs or alcohol.

Sorry you are dealing with this, on top of your husbands health issued. Ksm

He's not living with us (although as I said he crashes on our couch most afternoons) but he did get us a pizza. I know he smokes weed but I'm not stressing that if he is staying off the other drugs. Weed actually helps him with his agitation and panic attacks, and according to a very old and very dear friend who is bipolar, smoking enabled him to get off his medications entirely. Mostly from what I saw he bought some new clothes (which he probably needed) and a new hoodie (which he didn't really need), some cologne, and yes some weed as well. No idea if he indulged in other substances, but I do know he's been going out with friends so I'm sure he's buying drinks for himself, possibly for the friends too.

There's a racist offensive term for when people get a hefty amount of money and blow right through it. That's what my son appears to have been doing. Makes me know all the more that I did the right thing having my niece in charge of anything he might inherit from me. Possibly he won't inherit anything, as my husband is my sole beneficiary unless I outlive him. And my niece will make sure that if he does inherit anything he won't be given large amounts at any one time and it will be at her discretion to disburse what she feels he legitimately needs and when. He won't like it but he has only himself, his immaturity, his illness, and his addiction to blame.

But yeah, Thanksgiving is just a couple days away so I'm going to try to hold it together for the sake of a peaceful pleasant gathering in my home. I just hope I don't then decide to postpone taking action after Christmas. Truthfully, this year I don't really care. I was very excited that he would be home for the holidays this year but now I'm a little apathetic. We'll probably go to my brother in law's as we do every Christmas, and either my son and I will still be on reasonably good terms and he'll go with us, or he will have "estranged" himself from me again and he won't. But the sleeping all day going out all night routine needs to end, or I will tell him he's not welcome here any longer and let the chips fall where they may. (But after Thanksgiving!)
 
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Elsi

Well-Known Member
Hang in there, Laura. I wouldn't like that, either. I agree with letting it slide through Thanksgiving...but I would probably have the confrontation right after. This doesn't sound like it can go on. It's not helping him move forward. It would be different if he were coming over 3-4 hours every day to work on that course.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I would definitely not spoil your holiday.

After that though, your husband needs peace and calm. In his state of fragile health, to me that would have to supercede your son....he may have to look elsewhere to dleep all day!! Your husband needs calm.

We want to guide them if they are open to that. But it is not fair of them to allow us to get sick so that they can be comfortable while stressing us out with dangerous or just interfering behavior.

Love and light!
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I think differently than the others. I think that not confronting the situation is weighing on Thanksgiving, and that every day you "tolerate" an unworkable and even unbearable situation is making the inevitable more difficult and potentially explosive.

He has clearly not fulfilled expectations. More than this his presence is weighing on you and your husband, and making normal life pretty much impossible. Ignoring this elephant in the living room for thanksgiving's sake, just guarantees that turkey day will be celebrated with an elephant, front and center.

I would deal with this now. Your son has had more than enough notice.
 

Smithmom

Well-Known Member
I believe that you said previously that your husband works in retail. This week, and for the next 6 weeks or so, I would imagine his stress level is up just by virtue of the season. Certainly he doesn't need any additional stress at home but in fairness, there may not be a lot you can do to reduce that extra work stress.

I have a different view here. First I have no comment on timing in terms of before or after the holiday. But to me knowing that my homeless son was getting some sleep and nutrition would be worth letting him into my home a few hours a day. But the parameters around that would be that it would be while my husband is not in the house, that he would arrive and leave at agreed on hours, confirm availability every morning, behave, be sober, etc, etc. But assuming I could get on with my own work I would allow him to sleep on my sofa, take a shower and have a meal while my husband was gone, with my husband's consent obviously.

My logic here is that he is living on the streets. As such sleeping is never safe. Meals are problematic. Showers difficult or impossible. The only stability he may have is those few hours of sleep at your house. The only chance of finding a job and moving forward is that time at your house. Is this enabling? Maybe. But this is also conditioned on his at least appearing to be sober daily. This is a scheduled arrangement. As we know, active addicts don't have schedules. So this is not a long term arrangement for a homeless active addict. It won't work. But if he is sober it is giving him help that does not harm me or my family. It gives me some piece of mind knowing that he is well. It gives him the ability to schedule an interview, go to the library to use the computer, etc.
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
We want to guide them if they are open to that. But it is not fair of them to allow us to get sick so that they can be comfortable while stressing us out with dangerous or just interfering behavior.

He came here this morning around 6:30 or 7 and luckily I was already up. He was talking quietly but was going in and out of the house doing various things to get ready for his day (whatever that entails) and although he was closing the door behind him quietly the steady open, close, open, close did wake my husband up. He didn't come out or appear to be angry, but I'm sure he was agitated since he usually gets up around 9-ish. I told my son that we needed to be extra quiet before he REALLY woke my husband up that early. He said "Well, there are worse things that could happen". That made me angry and I reminded him of the change in his health and told him straight out that that my husband's health and protecting him from as much stress and drama as possible is my main priority. Yes I love my son, but not even he is above my husband's health concerns. To his credit, he did make more of a concerted effort to be as quiet as possible.
 

Smithmom

Well-Known Member
I think you need limits to protect your husband's health. Showing up at the door not acceptable. Must contact you before and not show up until you answer and agree. This is normal polite behavior. You don't show up at someone's door. Period.
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
The kid must be a mind reader lol! He came by this morning to change clothes and freshen up and then went out job hunting, I think to some Good Will job center. He came back and we ate a bite, then he left again to go to a local tiki bar/restaurant where someone told him they are hiring door attendants. He put in an application and talked to someone and has an interview tomorrow! After he came back to give me that news he left again, back to the career center to use a room with a computer for a video interview with a major bank. After that he was planning to go to the local college to see about enrolling.

Any of the above may or may not work out but at least he's finally taking positive and productive steps. He even told me he was disappointed in himself for blowing through however much money was in that check he received. I wish he had thought about before he did, but no use looking backwards. I'm cautiously optimistic, or in my case pessimistically optimistic (hoping these first steps will encourage him to go further while fearing that he won't see any of it through). For now, that's good enough.
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
My logic here is that he is living on the streets

No, he's actually staying with a friend currently. Between my husband and me, this friend, and other friends, he hasn't spent a night on the street since he left Chicago, thank God. I'm pretty sure he's so tired every day because he hangs out with friends until around sunrise. Today was the exception. He did meet up with a friend last night but when he showed up here I warned him that I would be busy today prepping for Thanksgiving, and he said that he had gotten 5 or 6 hours sleep, which is normal for him I think, so he didn't need to crash.
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
Wow! Excellent! Deserves reward from Mom today. Bake a cake? Favorite cookies?

Or maybe not strangle him? LOL just kidding. He did throw my planned agenda off as far as getting some cleaning done before Thursday, but I was able to take care of an important task with a deadline, and I can do the cleaning and prep tomorrow and Wednesday so I didn't sweat it. As far as baking a cake or cookies, my baking is the worst form of punishment lol. I have an appointment with "my girl" to get my hair cut Wednesday and I'll check my finances to see if I can swing it for her to cut his as well. He's been saying since he got here how badly he needs and wants one.
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
Great. Now if he would just stay away when your husband needs quiet, stress free time ..

Not so much staying away...although there are times when we both just want "our time"...but my son is so hyper it's tiring just watching him. Things seem to be working out as far as getting adjusted to having him around so much. I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells anymore but I am filtering my reactions to him and if it's not something really important I let it go and move on.

I was reading something the other day about adult kids who hang out at mom and dad's house too much, and it said set up one or two days a week for a family dinner, in home or going out, and keep to that unless there are extenuating circumstances or special occasions that additional visits would be appropriate. I think I'll run that by my husband and then based on his reaction, discuss it with my son as well. I think it sounds like an excellent play, myself.
 

Smithmom

Well-Known Member
Now there's something he could have used his own money on. But job interviews require haircuts and sounds like a perfect reward as well as relaxed mom and me time.
 

Smithmom

Well-Known Member
I hear you about a long term plan for his visits. But that may not work for your son now. Frankly, if he is actually moving forward I think this will resolve itself. Pushing it now may create undue stress on everyone. When he gets a job he won't have time to be with you that many hours. When he gets his own place or girlfriend you won't see him much at all.
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
Now there's something he could have used his own money on

Totally agree. A nearby church also does free haircuts on "outreach wednesday" but they're closed this week for the holiday. If I find I can't afford to pay for a haircut for him this week he can always go there next week. But I'm hoping to work it out. A hair cut is functional and I know he will appreciate it if it does happen.

I'm only concerned financially because I'm having to pay for the dinner we ordered from the grocery store, since my husband won't have been paid by the time we have to pick it up. Plus buying items for extra sides that we are making. Plus my own haircut. I have a little "stash" from my "penny ante" work that we try not to use unless we have to for emergencies or to pay bills during his slow work season. I'm sure I can take the $15 or $20 out of that to cover his haircut.
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
I hear you about a long term plan for his visits. But that may not work for your son now. Frankly, if he is actually moving forward I think this will resolve itself. Pushing it now may create undue stress on everyone. When he gets a job he won't have time to be with you that many hours. When he gets his own place or girlfriend you won't see him much at all.

I agree, right now I think we just need to see where things will lead naturally and if they don't resolve themselves in a timely manner then look into that route. With any luck it won't be necessary to even go there.
 

Smithmom

Well-Known Member
My comment about being homeless was really more about not having his own place. You said he was coming to you at times that sounded like it was after who he was staying with went to work and before they came home again. When he is more stable this won't be happening.
 
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