Greetings everyone!

PennyFromTheBlock

Active Member
I was drawn to this site this morning (I haven't posted since 2019!) but wanted to share some information and send good vibes to all of you.

Quick Recap: I raised my kids alone, never married, and have two- a 32 yo daughter and a 29 yo son. Son is my chaotic child. I moved 100 miles away from our hometown in March 2020 (right as we all went into Covid lockdown so that was fun /smirk) for a job and it was both the hardest and best thing I've ever done.

First I wanted to share for those who are knee deep (or heart deep) in the chaos our children bring into our lives with drug abuse, narcissistic abuse, etc. It can get better. My son and I are not in the BEST place but distance was the very BEST thing I've ever done for him and for me. I'm no longer easily accessible to him for every crisis and problem. I vowed before I moved that he would NEVER live with me again and I would cease giving him any form of money. And I've held true to those promises to myself. I started my own therapy (lockdown and working from home and solitude did a real number on me, tbh) and finally came to realize that everything you all were telling me when I first came here was true: you can't change him. I had a lot of other stuff to unpack from my own childhood and I'm at peace.

That said, there are still moments with him. Recently he called to inquire as to whether or not I would upgrade his cell phone (he is still on my plan, because it's $10 a month) and when I told him NO, boy did his rage begin. But I simply told him I would not engage and try to talk over him as he yelled and to have a good rest of his day and hung up. His thinking is still twisted and he sees things from a perspective I often cannot understand.

I will share this: last week my mother had a medical event and she lives 4 hours away from me with her youngest son (D-41 y/o) who is JUST LIKE MY SON but only worse. He is aggressive, verbally abusive, a moocher, etc. I say all this to share how much I feel as if I have grown- because when I arrived there early LAST Monday morning at 1:00 a.m. (I'm her power of atty and this was serious enough for me to hit the road) I told myself that I would not engage with him and would just do what I could to keep the peace until I figured out what was happening and until my other brother (B-42) could get there (he was 7.5 hours away). So there was a lot going on, but my brother B and my kids (my son and daughter) made it Monday afternoon at 2:00 p.m. There was drama with my crazy brother Tuesday morning- in the ICU room. Loud. He was cussing at me, upsetting my mother. I held steadfast though. About that time my kids walked in. Suddenly all that energy my brother had was gone. But I wanted to share the small glimmer of hope I saw in MY son. 4-5 years ago, we'd have ended up on the news. Because my son would have matched that energy and likely something would have gotten physical between my son and brother. But he didn't. I was proud. I'll take whatever wins I can.

After my brother's very inappropriate outburst and subsequent exit from the hospital, I turned my attention to my mother. I told her all the things I learned here, from therapy, and from my own experiences: Stop making excuses for that poor and disrespectful behavior (everything has an excuse, always). He is 41, he CHOSE to behave that way. You do not have to tolerate this behavior from a child who works fulltime and lives with you for free and can't even bother to keep your home clean (this was the triggering event, when I told her I was going to talk to her Dr about writing an order for home health care to get someone to keep her living space clean and he became ENRAGED because he heard exactly what I was saying- that he does nothing of value for her). I don't have the best relationship with my mother, but she's 71 and in poor health- I told her if she wanted 'out' of this situation to say the word and my other brother and I would figure it out. But that no matter- she deserves a clean space, to feel safe, and not feel the need to constantly walk on eggshells for fear of angering him. No one deserves to live that way. No one. Not me, not her, and none of you all. For my son, I still see hope in him and his growth. I've seen some growth. When I cut the strings and could/would no longer be his backup plan, he had to work things out. I fear my mother will never do this with my youngest brother and that's on her. I can't fix her either.

Just wanted to say hello and tell you all that you are not alone. We've all been there. Sometimes it evolves and gets better. Sometimes it does not. My mantra always (with both of my kids) is 'they are adults. they choose how they behave. they know right from wrong'.

Sending good vibes and a big TGIF! :)
 

PennyFromTheBlock

Active Member
Tried to edit the post to add this:
Oh! One last thing- I think alot of our kids are narcissists. If you are on social media- check out Synful who does many skits about narcissistic relationships - primarily between 2 in a romantic relationship, but the similarities I see between her explanations of the narcissistic people I can see the similarities when it comes to my son- and the suggestions for dealing with and understanding these types of people - it has helped me a lot.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
I remember your name! You sure have been through a lot and have learned much. Sounds like the great majority of our stories. MUCH strain and hardship with our adult children and much learning that WE seem to need. We had a fiasco with our “special” child that opened my eyes. Some sessions with Family Anonymous group helped me see that I had to stop all enabling and move forward. I do see narcissistic tendencies with our “child” as well. It’s been a long, difficult road for us all. (That’s an understatement). Good for you fir being so wise and firm. So wonderful to read that you are protecting your mom as well. Blessings.
 

Blighty

Member
It's fabulous to hear about your progress and see how your changes have affected other people's behaviours. You sound really powerful and like you are experiencing peace and joy in your heart
 
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