Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by B’smom, Oct 4, 2019.

  1. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    I recently took Little One to see a social worker to make sure he’s ok. I think she worked more with me than him during one of the sessions . She told me something that I don’t think anyone has ever said to me: that I’m grieving. Or if someone has said it, I wasn’t ready to truly hear it.

    Sure I’ve even said it before, that every time B gets a new diagnosis, it’s like we grieve all over again. But I don’t think I’ve ever realized that I never stopped grieving.

    Small things set me off into crying “fits”. I bawl when I see Little One ride a bike and B can’t even figure out how to make the peddles move. Grief?

    She said that when B was kicked out of residential treatment, we grieved because we finally got a chance to see what our lives COULD be like without B. The house was full of smiles and laughter. It was freedom to do things. It was freedom for J and I because we could go out on dates. It was freedom because we knew that everyone was safe.

    I feel like it fits my emotions, my turmoil and even my inability to connect with friends who have neuro-typical children. Of course I realize it’s not just grief. I’m angry, and jealous and utterly broken when I hear them talk about their “normal” children. I know I need to work on that.

    My heart breaks when I hear people complain their normal child isn’t at the top of their class for reading (it’s happened. I spent the next two hours bawling because I was jealous and told myself I’d do anything for that to be me).

    Grief, grieving, dealing with a constant loss of the life I envisioned for myself? The life I envisioned for my B? the life I envisioned for the other two?

    It almost feels like that one word opened up a dam in me. One I didn’t know was there. I haven’t stopped crying since she told me. J says I look like crap (he says it with heart not maliciously if that makes sense? ).

    I’ve been dealing with my own depression over the past few months that seems to just be growing despite now being on medication (Zoloft) to help control it.

    I went to a single session counselling this week. I left feeling worse that when I went. She somehow managed to make me feel so completely inadequate. It was really hard for me to do that, to do something specifically for me to help just me. I won’t be going back. But I do need to find someone who will understand or at least try to empathize with me about what I’m going through. Someone that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg cause mental health services are expensive ($100-140/hr).

    Have I been in denial this whole time?
    Have I been angry and hurting because of grief?

    Could it really be that simple?

    And if that’s the case, how do I learn to move forward? How do I learn to truly accept it and move forward?

    I know that I need to work more on me either way. I think that I’ll start with spiritual healing. Every part of me feels so broken. Maybe if I can heal my spirit, the rest will follow?
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi B's mom.

    Based upon my own experience, you've answered your question. I have come to the same place.

    Spirituality begins in this broken place. This is where it takes root. I am starting my 4th year of spiritual learning and practice. Less and less I feel broken, and more and more I feel whole.

    I think we fight to NOT see and feel what's happening to us with our children. And this fighting against what is a reality is the very thing that keeps us stuck in the debilitating pain. This denial. By opening to the reality of our situation, paradoxically we open to a world that is far greater than our problem. More and more we can live in that world instead of the world of tears and pain and obstacles.

    A mundane question: The social worker you saw for B that offered to you this solace--is it possible to continue seeing her, even infrequently, say, every two or three weeks?

    I'm glad you're back.
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  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    It is grief - for the lives we COULD have had if...

    I imagine it's that way for everyone. We have hopes for our kids, and when we notice that they don't have friends, are doing poorly in school, are unmotivated or misbehaving or being destructive - as parents, we wonder what we're doing wrong. And we grieve, not only for our children's difficulties, but because we are not the parents we thought we would be. We're losing our identity and it hurts, and at the same time, we're hurting for our kids.

    And we grieve for it all, usually with a healthy dose of guilt to go along with it.

    Many gentle hugs.
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  4. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    Where exactly did you start? Hahah books? Church? I’m new to this. I’ve worked on better myself through qualities I don’t like but I feel like this is so different.

    Yup. I have been so hyper focused on B, on everyone else. I grieved often for him. But I don’t think I’ve ever really grieved for ME, for my married, for the kids.

    I’m ready.

    it was for Little One just to make sure he was doing ok. I worry about him living in such horrible conditions at times. She said his play was nurturing and all about caring for others. She said B’s behaviours aren’t affecting him as much as the adults (me) worry. But will most likely affect him when he can make more connections. Around the ages of 7-10 usually.
    It’s a program that only offers 3 short term sessions in a short. It’s designed it get services quick. I wish I could keep her. She was someone I had an instant connection with, this doesn’t usually happen very often.
  5. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    B-I'm so sorry for all you're going through.

    Is there a faith maybe that you were brought up in or church you belonged to once that could be a good fit to begin worshiping at again? I think spending sometime truly with your own thoughts and trying to figure out who you are and where you want to go might be some first steps too. Having a well thought out plan is a good idea. I think when you take some baby steps in the direction you believe would lead you to a more spiritually enlightened place then the doors will open up to you and you will begin to find your way.

    There was a great book on grieving I read in Al anon because we go through the same kind of thing when we lose someone we love, our united family etc., when our loved one is lost to addiction. It also talked about how grief can show itself in many different ways such as anger, resentment, bitterness. I had always thought it was just tears and sadness but it's not.

    There's lots of ways to begin healing. For me my faith in God is paramount. Without Him all the will power I could muster up to change won't mean a thing. I also have been in therapy for two years. I go to Al anon and also have read many books that have expanded my knowledge and helped me to grow as a person. But "all of this" as we say in Al anon will only work to the degree you work it. There are plenty of people who go through "the motions" so to speak of attending church or even therapy but unless you're really "hungry" for a better way and are willing to make changes within yourself and learn what's broken in you, nothing will change.

    I'm beginning to learn if someone else's problem is bothering me, then it's really some problem in me that needs healing.
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  6. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    It is a lifelong journey.

    I'll tell you this, we all love our difficult, troubled children more than life itself. And not one of us would ever have asked that they be the way they are. Not one of us does not wish that these same children were "normal" - or perhaps a better term would be, free of whatever difficulty enslaves them, and us.

    With adult children it is possible to detach. With little ones and adolescents, not so much.

    You will grieve at every milestone that isn't hit.

    You will grieve every time they are arrested or go to rehab, if your children are like mine.

    You will grieve every time they prove themselves utterly unable to conduct themselves in a family setting, if your children are like some others.

    You learn to live with it. But it never goes away and never stops. That is the truth.

    You also learn to love them exactly as they are and make peace with things as they are.

    Most of the time anyway.
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  7. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I truly appreciate your support.
    I have had these woman show up to my door and we talk about God. I have absolutely no idea what religion they’re preaching about . But I talk and discuss with them. Im baptized Catholic but I’m not a practicing one.
    im not even sure if I believe in the bible but I do believe that there is a God watching over us. I don’t know if that makes sense?

    my doctor switched my medication because the Zoloft wasn’t working. I’m not sure if it was making my anxiety worse or not. She said it was possible. I feel like I’m suffering from pstd though from B. I hear his voice and I’m getting flashbacks of fights. He goes to school and I’m back to bed. I’m working really hard at reminding myself of all the positives and good things that B does. I know he cannot control it, I know he would if he could. I heart broke this week when the school told me he’s in a small room with an educational assistant and no one else. He’s refusing to go into the classroom but comes home crying he’s always alone. Social anxiety at its best.

    My poor baby suffers from so much and in turn, takes it out all on me. I know he doesn’t mean it but when the threats are given, they hurt. Im scared but I know life is what it is.

    this too shall pass. He has some amazing qualities. I need to focus more on the positive.
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I found myself wondering about nutrition and diet as I read about your sadness. I know I am grabbing at straws but I was always depressed and anxious and scared when I awoke, and realized after I began to take supplements, (I take a number, vitamins and minerals, with probiotics and a prebiotic) the feelings went away. Then I read that magnesium helps with depression. That's one that I take.

    Then I began to think about B. If taking him to a behavioral nutritionist might help.

    Did I tell you about the book, Son Rise? I have it here at home and haven't read it. I wish you would, though. Or look at Amazon to see if the description touches you.

    If I have learned one thing in these past 6 years it's that sadness and grief don't leave because we're tired of them. They're there for a reason. And point us to where we seek to/need to heal and grow. I wish it were easier.
  9. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    BsMom, I hear you. It is very hard. Very difficult. You will make it through this. We all do. When our daughter was young she was both sweet and difficult at the same time, if that makes sense. She got frustrated very easily and would tantrum, but only at home. She was sassy and a bit of a bully at school, but kept her grades to C's and did not qualify for special help. We fought for an IEP and finally won when she was in high school. Keep fighting.

    I am a huge believer in God and active in my church, but I do not believe everything the Bible says. God did not write the Bible. Men did. From gayness being a sin to only believers of Jesus going to Heaven, I don't believe a loving God would feel these ways. One can feel God's love and still disagree with some of the Bible. God has pulled me and my husband through our difficult daughter and the death of a child. I know He is with us.

    We love our church community and Jesus is God to us. But we do not believe everything we are told. One does not need to in order to feel God's love and protection.

    I hope this made sense....