Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Oct 4, 2019.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    It seems when I mention that my 37 year old daughter takes a step forward, I turn around and she has taken 5 steps backwards. So for the forward part, she made her Oct rent.
    I saw my daughters 44 year old boyfriend last week at a National Night Out gathering, the first time since Memorial Day. He made it a point to come up to me and say hi. It took every bit of his energy to do this. Doing this wore him out so bad that he had to go outside and had a panic attack. Instead of getting mad I felt sorry for him. I studied autism and I am positive he has it. I also talked about autism with a man that is very educated about it, he told me that some autistic people cannot handle strangers at all. My husband and I will always be strangers to him. We have known him going on 9 years and we are strangers and scary to him. We have been told that we are friendly and welcoming, my husband is gentle and kind and more than fair and I am a bit more outspoken. When I got home I did not cry or ask myself over and over again what did I do to cause a person to be so tacky to me, the truth is that he is autistic. I have always been very outgoing so it was hard for me to understand but since I have educated myself a lot more I am not pained or feel agony for him treating us this way. Sometimes he is off and on which to me is even worse. I think he is autistic, ODD, bipolar and ADHD. My daughter makes excuses for him and carries the financial load and I think there maybe some genuine love there on both sides. What ever their situation is for now it seems to be kind of working. The yard seems to be kept up and I heard they did some recent remodeling in the house.

    Detaching with love is hard to do but it does save some agony. I will always worry about her because she is not balanced. I probably would worry about her some just because it is normal with any child.
    When I go to bed I am not so pained or feel left out like weeks before. I see families doing things together, son in laws and mother in laws being friends, going on cruises together being kind and respectful to each other. I know it can be done but I do not see it happening with me and for once I am truly ok with it.

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  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    It looks like God is guiding you with his divine wisdom.... you requested in your signature.
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  3. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you RN0441, Yes, I keep my ears open to God's word and now I feel I am hearing it more clearly. Each day I give my all to God and I have to remember to let go and let God. I would not wish a disordered child on anyone and it has been a very long and hard road. I am grateful that I have God's divine love to wipe over all the agony and pain. Blessings to you.
  4. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    I'm glad that you are in a "better place".

    Part of the "detachment" for me with my sons was really detaching myself also from what I had always hoped they'd become. My plans, hopes and dreams of what we'd all "look like" together. I think it's very natural for parents to have expectations of what we want our family and children to be and when that doesn't happen it's like a dagger to our hearts.

    Accepting that right now this is the journey my sons have to travel to learn the things they're supposed to learn in life is very important for me in my recovery from enabling and rescuing them.
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  5. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Don't feel bad. There are plenty of families that don't take those trips. Many mothers do not connect with the husbands and SOs of their daughters. It's not uncommon.

    Our happiest dreams don't always happen because they are just our hopes of future good times. They are our dreams, just like we hope our kids have great careers and happy families. We can't predict. I dreamed this and then Kay happened and Amy got divorced. So much for my dreams.

    I know you don't like this man and you don't have to. I don't like Lee, Kay's husband. At all! It's frustrating to me sometimes that we can not and should not try to pick partners for our adult children. I wanted stability for Kay. She picked someone very unstable like herself. It makes sense. Why would a stable man want Kay's chaos? Regarding Lee, he usually ignores us.

    We need not make it personal if we don't click with the stranger our child falls in love with. Not everyone will warm up to us no matter how nice we are. Often we put in a huge effort to be nice at work, at church, in the community and even with family and it is not always reciprocated. Why should our kid's partners be any different?

    Difficult kids do not normally attract the best and brightest or nicest partners. My husband and I more or less shrug it off. To each other we say "That's Lee. What can we expect?"

    I hope you stop taking your daughters boyfriend's behavior towards you to heart. He may be autistic or just shy or unfriendly. Who knows? It is nothing against you. It doesn't have anything to do with your daughter either. She can't control him and his personality. Obviously, just like Lee and Kay, your daughters SO brings something she needs and likes into her life. Don't even try to figure out what it is. We have up trying to figure out why Lee and Kay are together.

    God bless you and maybe try to just tell yourself "it is what it is." My Dad always said that. I like it.
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    Last edited: Oct 4, 2019
  6. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Yes JayPee, it is like a dagger to my heart. Part of detaching is letting go of hopes and dreams. I have always wished to have a decent son in law. I know no one can take the place of my deceased son but having a decent son in law I think would help. I hope your sons can balance out and that you can feel peace in your heart.
  7. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi BusyNMember, In the past my daughter did pick good stable men, this guy she is with has been the most unstable. Sometimes I think that at least she has someone there and they cook together. I see them somewhat helping each other. They are still a mess even at best. Just because I would never date a man that treated my parents awful, does not mean it matters that much to my daughter. They are a couple of misfits that found each other and are trying to make it work somehow. At least something is finally working between the nitwits. I wish you peace with your daughter and I know it breaks your heart that she has a baby and does not include you. I pray for you each time I read your posts because I understand the depth of your heartache.
  8. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Thank you. Yes, it hurts. A lot.

    I had a wonderful son who died too. Cancer. I will never get over that. You don't. I rarely discuss it. It brings me to despair. I do have another son.

    I totally understand why you want a nice son in law. Trust me, I wanted Kay to meet someone stable. And I just lost Amy's husband to divorce and we loved him very much. They are still friends but it's not the same. This will be our first Christmas without him.

    Life throws us many challenges. My best way of dealing is to give my life and all that happens to me to God. I can deal best this way. When I start to go to that dark place I immedoatally go to church. That is my comfort spot where I feel as if I am being cared for and soothed.

    I am sorry for your broken heart. I feel it and know it and get it. God bless you.
  9. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    BusynMember, My heart is broken over your deceased son and then to have an out of control daughter on top of that is a double ache. To me it is as if my heart is torn into a billion pieces and my daughters behavior pours acid on my wound. I do not know what I would do without my Lord. I lean on him all the way all the time and feel grateful that I have him to lean on. Many times when I try to handle this mess by myself I think about how God really wants me to give it to him and let him handle it. How old was your precious son that passed? Mine was almost 14. He would now be 38. There were times when my daughter was so awful that I believe her being out of control was more painful than my son's death. I think it may have been because she had a choice and choose the bad path. My daughter was raised in the Church, she taught Sunday School, and was a leader in church youth groups. The seed had been planted... Then all hell broke loose. She saw how I was struggling with her brothers death and made sure I got a good beating. How us bereaved mothers make it through burying a child and then get beat with a disordered child is one of the wonders of this world. My son's death taught me that life is short, fragile and unpredictable. Spending even one second on stupid nonsense is obnoxious. My love sent to you in abundance.
  10. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. My precious son, my kindest child up until then, was twelve. He was handsome, very bright, atlhetic and a total lovebug. Even Kay liked him. That's a big deal.

    When he was diagnosed with cancer he got very sick very fast, smiling and comforting us and talking to God until the end. He passed months later and died of an illness related to the cancer. We were not ready, not that we ever are. I felt as if I had died with him and Kay was so shaken that she behaved better for about a year. This child was the only sibling that Kay enjoyed.

    As for Kay, she has been difficult from the start. We were told we could not have biological children so we happily adopted. We did not think of adoption as second best and we adored her.

    Of course, the doctor was wrong and we had three biological children. After my son passed I had a few very bad years and once Kay got over being in shock over her brother's death, she started acting out again and my husband and I were not up to it. Maybe we made big mistakes with her in our grief, although we honestly tried to help her.

    At any rate, as you know the loss of a child is always there. I am so sad for you. I also understand on a very deep level. God is my anchor. I talk to Him all the time. He has pulled me through all that life has thrown of me.

  11. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Same. I couldn't agree more.
    Love and light.