Had to turn son away

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by joysheph, Apr 2, 2020.

  1. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Since last post, I haven't seen or heard from son until today. I so wanted like always wanted to wrap my arms around him and be mom. But I know how this story ends up and I'm tired. Also with covid I must put my safety first.
    I asked how can I help? He wanted to do laundry and visit and he mentioned how his birthday is in 10 days. I told him this is not the time for visiting.
    I just couldn't go thru this again. So we drove him to a shelter bought him breakfast and drove away.
    This is hard and I'm full of guilt but I'm done!
  2. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    That was a very reasonable response. It is difficult, but they must learn. Not doing for our adult DCs gives them responsibility for their actions. Doing for them supports bad behaviors and keeps them locked in feelings of not being able to do it on their own.

    My Difficult Child has never listened to one thing I have said in an effort to help her see the logic. She is a 41 y/o alcoholic pregnant for the first time. She had tried to get pregnant with her last long-term wealthy boyfriend and couldn't, so this was a total shock. She has stopped drinking and has stopped the Adderall and Xanax. On that front, she is doing really well. It's difficult to give her normal words of love and excitement because she has already using her pregnancy to manipulate. She lives in another state so I have no idea who this "father" is. She ripped me a new one for telling my best friend she is pregnant. I also told her brother and she said I had no right to do that. His reaction was that she needs to get an abortion because she can't take care of herself. She asked me what he said, I told her to call him and ask because I will not travel that road with her again. Then she shared a text gender reveal and I asked her if I could share. She has not responded to that request. It's her way of manipulating because when she said "I don't have money for maternity clothes", my response was, "who wears maternity clothes these days"? Then she said she is gaining weight, etc etc. The normal in me wants badly to be involved, but I must stay the course because this situation is far from normal. I too am hurting. I am supportive of my Difficult Child sobriety, but not supportive of behaviors that don't assure me my grand-daughter (yes, it's a girl) will be taken care of. I am praying my Difficult Child bonds with her child when she feels life. It's a big ask, and I must leave this one to my higher power.

    I am so sorry you are hurting. During extraordinary times it's easy to want to let down our guard, but that isn't going to help our DCs learn to navigate their world. We really don't have the tools or experience to help them regardless of how much we want to.

    In healing, Blindsided
  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I believe you are doing the tight thing even though it is very difficult. You have i am sure been manipulated by her before so of course you are leary of her behavior now. My ex daughter in law uses my grandson to manipulate everyone who cares about him. She doesn't abuse him but uses him to get what she wants. It is hard to hit a balance between showing your grandchild you love them and not allowing yourself to be manipulated. I had to decide what i was and was not willing to do. You will also have to decide what your boundaries are both for your daughter and your grandaughter.
  4. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    It's very hard even when you feel you are making headway for yourself. Pulling back is tough because deep down we love the people that are so determined to destroy the family unit.
    I am learning to change my reactions to disappoints I face daily. It isn't easy and it sure doesn't feel good but I know it needs to be done.
    There are so many things I struggle with when it comes to my children and grandchildren. I find taking the time to evaluate the situation and my response has helped. I would let emotions determine my responses, now I stop and think, what is best for EVERYONE involved.
    Come to find out, I have been letting my emotions keep the norm going instead of taking steps to get my norm back.
    By this I mean changing the norm for me. I can't change anyone but maybe by letting my children and grandchildren see that this way of living is not my norm, they will either follow or pull farther away, their choice.
    By living my norm, I am happier and in a better place.
    Still not always easy. Like in your case, I can feel your heartache and I am saddened to hear you are being put in this difficult situation by someone you love so much.

    Praying for your situation to get better.

    Peace and Love
  5. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    I'm sure that wasn't easy - or even if it was, there was feelings to go along with it. Sending you hugs in a difficult time.
  6. JMom

    JMom Active Member


    Dang, I KNOW that was hard. You made it through. Take care of yourself. This is tough stuff.
  7. 200Meters

    200Meters A real bustard

    Good luck joysheph.

    I dread getting to where you are with your son with our Oldest one day.
  8. louise2350

    louise2350 Active Member

    We all love our children so much - that is why doing what we must do to protect ourselves and have our grown children mature and make it on their own is so difficult. We don't want to see them suffering. I just wish that these difficult grown adults could put themselves in our place and see all the sufferings we have been through due to loving, trying to protect and caring for them so much.
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