AngelaMia aka Merris
Member
I'm done. I'm hanging up the armor. We've all heard the saying "never give up", but I've decided that for my own survival, I have to do this.
difficult child left the program again, got high again and got a tattoo (for free?!?!?!) He called last night at 12:15 and asked me to come and get him. In my sleepy haze, I agreed. He copped to everything he did and played Mr. Contrite. I didn't buy it but I didn't say anything. I'm just too tired of this to care. I faxed a letter to him this morning at the program.
Dear difficult child
Ive given up on expecting you to care about how your actions affect other people. Youve never cared about that before so I figure its too late to expect that now.
You always tell people that you love me so much and you would do anything for me. All I want from you is to save <u>yourself</u>. I am tired of working at saving your life while you sit back and let me do all the work. Youre not even trying. There are answers to all of your questions, you just wont put in the effort to look for, let alone find the answers.
If I had to do last night all over again, I would not have picked you up. You need to face your actions and deal with the consequences. You have NO idea how close you are to disaster and it appears that you dont care. Why should I have to fight so hard for you and pick up the pieces for you, when you keep creating the problems yourself?
Yes, I am angry. I dont care about the tattoo (that does not mean you should go out and get more), I care that you totally disregard your future. I have fought to get you help for YEARS, yet you continue on as if you are still 16 and you have no responsibilities and no idea what is going on. You KNOW what is going on, you just choose not to deal with it. You have no choice now.
If you really want to go inpatient, you will have to call your DMHAS worker. I cannot do this for you anymore. I dont think you need to go inpatient; the real world will still be here when you get out and I think youre trying to hide from it. Its your choice. If you need your medications changed, you have to tell someone what is going on inside you, otherwise, they cannot help. Im sorry if youre feeling so bad inside, but only YOU can fix that. Only YOU. I cant tell the doctor how youre feeling. I wonder if you say that about your medications only because you think thats what I want to hear.
You need to step up to the plate and do the things you know you need to do. If you want to hang out in our town and get high, then youll end up in jail. If you want to hang out and not get a job, youll be homeless. Last night in bed I faced the fact that I cannot and do not want to do this anymore. I am done.
I love you, you are my child. If you make the right choices I will be there to cheer you on. If you make the wrong choices I will stay away to protect my heart. You can only come here when I am home. If you chose to come here, you come HERE, not in and out to hang out with your friends. If youd rather hang out with them, then dont come here at all.
No more rides, no more money, no more anything. I will get you one carton of cigarettes a week and thats it. No more. You have to do this on your own. I am not giving up on you, I am pushing you out of the nest and MAKING you depend on yourself instead of always coming back to me.
I never say what I want to say because I am afraid of hurting your feelings. At this point, I realize that you dont care about my feelings or wants or needs, why should I concern myself with yours?
You have been using and abusing me for years and it is going to stop. I told you I didnt have any money yet you continue to ask. I told you I wouldnt drive you anymore but you still asked. I told you that I didnt want you coming here during the day but you did anyway. Obviously, what I say means nothing to you.
I have bills to pay so I have to work. I cant say that Im uncomfortable in a meeting (even if I am) and just leave. I have responsibilities and so do you. Your FIRST responsibility is to take care of yourself. Even if it
or if it makes you unhappy or its not pleasant, you have no choice.
Its time for you to be a man. Take the easy way and end up a failure or put in the effort and end up someone you can be proud of. Its really that simple. Daily living isnt so easy, but you have to look at the big picture. What do you want for yourself? Stop making stupid decisions and think about what you want for your life.
I know that I can't have him in my life anymore. I'm not strong enough to stick by my own rules and he knows how to play me. I'm very sad, but I am relieved that I have made this decision. Let the chips fall where they may, it will be his choice.
Letting go and letting God.
Merris
difficult child left the program again, got high again and got a tattoo (for free?!?!?!) He called last night at 12:15 and asked me to come and get him. In my sleepy haze, I agreed. He copped to everything he did and played Mr. Contrite. I didn't buy it but I didn't say anything. I'm just too tired of this to care. I faxed a letter to him this morning at the program.
Dear difficult child
Ive given up on expecting you to care about how your actions affect other people. Youve never cared about that before so I figure its too late to expect that now.
You always tell people that you love me so much and you would do anything for me. All I want from you is to save <u>yourself</u>. I am tired of working at saving your life while you sit back and let me do all the work. Youre not even trying. There are answers to all of your questions, you just wont put in the effort to look for, let alone find the answers.
If I had to do last night all over again, I would not have picked you up. You need to face your actions and deal with the consequences. You have NO idea how close you are to disaster and it appears that you dont care. Why should I have to fight so hard for you and pick up the pieces for you, when you keep creating the problems yourself?
Yes, I am angry. I dont care about the tattoo (that does not mean you should go out and get more), I care that you totally disregard your future. I have fought to get you help for YEARS, yet you continue on as if you are still 16 and you have no responsibilities and no idea what is going on. You KNOW what is going on, you just choose not to deal with it. You have no choice now.
If you really want to go inpatient, you will have to call your DMHAS worker. I cannot do this for you anymore. I dont think you need to go inpatient; the real world will still be here when you get out and I think youre trying to hide from it. Its your choice. If you need your medications changed, you have to tell someone what is going on inside you, otherwise, they cannot help. Im sorry if youre feeling so bad inside, but only YOU can fix that. Only YOU. I cant tell the doctor how youre feeling. I wonder if you say that about your medications only because you think thats what I want to hear.
You need to step up to the plate and do the things you know you need to do. If you want to hang out in our town and get high, then youll end up in jail. If you want to hang out and not get a job, youll be homeless. Last night in bed I faced the fact that I cannot and do not want to do this anymore. I am done.
I love you, you are my child. If you make the right choices I will be there to cheer you on. If you make the wrong choices I will stay away to protect my heart. You can only come here when I am home. If you chose to come here, you come HERE, not in and out to hang out with your friends. If youd rather hang out with them, then dont come here at all.
No more rides, no more money, no more anything. I will get you one carton of cigarettes a week and thats it. No more. You have to do this on your own. I am not giving up on you, I am pushing you out of the nest and MAKING you depend on yourself instead of always coming back to me.
I never say what I want to say because I am afraid of hurting your feelings. At this point, I realize that you dont care about my feelings or wants or needs, why should I concern myself with yours?
You have been using and abusing me for years and it is going to stop. I told you I didnt have any money yet you continue to ask. I told you I wouldnt drive you anymore but you still asked. I told you that I didnt want you coming here during the day but you did anyway. Obviously, what I say means nothing to you.
I have bills to pay so I have to work. I cant say that Im uncomfortable in a meeting (even if I am) and just leave. I have responsibilities and so do you. Your FIRST responsibility is to take care of yourself. Even if it
or if it makes you unhappy or its not pleasant, you have no choice.Its time for you to be a man. Take the easy way and end up a failure or put in the effort and end up someone you can be proud of. Its really that simple. Daily living isnt so easy, but you have to look at the big picture. What do you want for yourself? Stop making stupid decisions and think about what you want for your life.
I know that I can't have him in my life anymore. I'm not strong enough to stick by my own rules and he knows how to play me. I'm very sad, but I am relieved that I have made this decision. Let the chips fall where they may, it will be his choice.
Letting go and letting God.
Merris
