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Happy New Year 2022
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 761701" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Hi, new start. I missed you and am glad you showed up for a check in! So daughter is at it again (sigh).</p><p></p><p> I want to tell you what helps me when I think about Kay, or before she took off in her motor home. Maybe it will help you.</p><p></p><p>My 12 step program in Nar Anon, which has helped me a lot, tells me to accept what I can't change and to change only what I can (myself). Kay is in her mid 30s now and I know who she is and that it is unrealistic of me to expect her to suddenly feel grateful for what we have done for her. Before she totally left us, I let go of my expectations of her. If I gave her a nice Christmas gift, as we always did, we never spoke of her giving anything at all to us. It was given to her with the expectation that Kay liked to receive but not give and we just accepted what we could not change. It made things easier on us and I stopped feeling badly about what she doesn't give. She does what she does and people her age don't change overnight and suddenly behave in kind and socially acceptable ways. Kay doesn't care like other people care. Or feel badly if she hurts us (in fact with Kay she never pretends a gift got.lost....she will say we don't deserve one). Then it.is up to us to either keep acting.in a generous way or not, but we stop expecting her yo do what Amy or Rick do.</p><p></p><p>We don't send her anything now and don't even know where she is. They move the motorhome a lot. I actually feel better not knowing than when we knew. We had too many unrealistic (not Kay like) expectations of a person who does not value our relationship like we did. Not enough for her to even buy us or make us a card of loving thoughts. Only Kay can change Kay. My hoping she will change can't change her. My expectations hurt ME. I have none now. Everything in the world is a book without an ending. Kay will write her story. I have to write mine. I can't write hers.</p><p></p><p>I know how your daughter hurts you and I am so sorry. It is really up up to us how much we invest into being sad that our kids are not how we want them to be. We have power to change our thoughts and expectations. We decide how much to let our "differently wired" children upset us.</p><p></p><p>Maybe next next holiday don't discuss gifts with her regarding you and husband. Give her all you like without expecting anything.in return. It feels unfair, I know but I learned life isn't fair. What Kay should do she doesn't always or usually do. I don't use the words "she should" much anymore. It is what it is. I know who she is. I know who i am too. No matter how Kay trashes me, I love her and always tried my best. Her words are untrue. I see them that way now.</p><p></p><p>Much love and hugs and great to hear from you. Sorry you had a hard time with some family. Praying.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 761701, member: 23706"] Hi, new start. I missed you and am glad you showed up for a check in! So daughter is at it again (sigh). I want to tell you what helps me when I think about Kay, or before she took off in her motor home. Maybe it will help you. My 12 step program in Nar Anon, which has helped me a lot, tells me to accept what I can't change and to change only what I can (myself). Kay is in her mid 30s now and I know who she is and that it is unrealistic of me to expect her to suddenly feel grateful for what we have done for her. Before she totally left us, I let go of my expectations of her. If I gave her a nice Christmas gift, as we always did, we never spoke of her giving anything at all to us. It was given to her with the expectation that Kay liked to receive but not give and we just accepted what we could not change. It made things easier on us and I stopped feeling badly about what she doesn't give. She does what she does and people her age don't change overnight and suddenly behave in kind and socially acceptable ways. Kay doesn't care like other people care. Or feel badly if she hurts us (in fact with Kay she never pretends a gift got.lost....she will say we don't deserve one). Then it.is up to us to either keep acting.in a generous way or not, but we stop expecting her yo do what Amy or Rick do. We don't send her anything now and don't even know where she is. They move the motorhome a lot. I actually feel better not knowing than when we knew. We had too many unrealistic (not Kay like) expectations of a person who does not value our relationship like we did. Not enough for her to even buy us or make us a card of loving thoughts. Only Kay can change Kay. My hoping she will change can't change her. My expectations hurt ME. I have none now. Everything in the world is a book without an ending. Kay will write her story. I have to write mine. I can't write hers. I know how your daughter hurts you and I am so sorry. It is really up up to us how much we invest into being sad that our kids are not how we want them to be. We have power to change our thoughts and expectations. We decide how much to let our "differently wired" children upset us. Maybe next next holiday don't discuss gifts with her regarding you and husband. Give her all you like without expecting anything.in return. It feels unfair, I know but I learned life isn't fair. What Kay should do she doesn't always or usually do. I don't use the words "she should" much anymore. It is what it is. I know who she is. I know who i am too. No matter how Kay trashes me, I love her and always tried my best. Her words are untrue. I see them that way now. Much love and hugs and great to hear from you. Sorry you had a hard time with some family. Praying. [/QUOTE]
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