Happy to have found this site....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HALO527, Jan 13, 2018.

  1. HALO527

    HALO527 New Member

    I have been lost since May 27th, when my 21 year old son who suffers from depression and ADHD due to a brain injury went off the rails and landed himself in jail. Really, my history of trouble with him goes back 8 years, but this incident has just brought everything to a head. While his crime is bad, no one got hurt, but his behavior was dangerous and we have been trying to get the DA to give him a plea deal for almost 8 months now. After 8 months, they have gone from 17 years to 15. Our lawyer and everyone is in shock about this. My son is scared out of his mind. I have found many other cases where people have been given a work release program to 5 or 6 years. There are cases where people were callously killed and received 10 years. Now we go to the judge to see if he thinks differently than the DA. I hope so with all my heart, but I fear that he will side with them or still come up with an overly long sentence to appease them. My biggest fear is that this will be so overwhelming for my son, that he will kill himself. My heart is breaking for this damaged boy who I totally love.

    I had been feeling very isolated and alone with this situation and haven't even told many people what is going on. When this type of thing happens, you think you are the only one experiencing this type of thing, but I see from reading the threads that there are many of us in the same situation and it's wonderful to see the support and love being given to each other. Thank you to whoever created this site.
  2. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Welcome. I'm so sorry you are facing such a difficult parenting journey. It happens, it is not your fault.

    I just wanted to let you know that I have read your post and offer your my support. I don't have any personal experience similar to yours, but I did go through some very very difficult times with my daughter. I can relate to your fear and stress.

    Hopefully others will come along to offer your their support and share their experiences with you. You are not alone. Hang in there.
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  3. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    I think some of the things that many of us on this site share are the lost dreams for our children, and families as well as grief and uncertainty about how to navigate the rough waters we and our difficult children face. Our children have floundered through their own choices, disabilities, addictions, unfortunate situations, etc., and most of the time we cannot save them. We can love them, but they must save themselves.

    What this site offers are wise and compassionate people who listen without judging and a safe place to share our fears, frustrations, and successes.

    This is a brief post, but I just want to say you are in a safe place here. Each of our troubles may be different on the surface, but we have all been hurting, and we are looking for hope. The members here, through their experiences show there is a path to healing despite our present circumstances.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time with so little support. Letting your son know that you love him and are there for him is probably so important to him. It has to be so very hard for both of you.

    None of us are going to judge you, or blame you. Especially as you say your son has a brain injury. Many of us here have known other parents of children with brain injuries and how much that can impact a child's behavior (a child of any age!). We know that you are doing the best that you can and so is your son.

  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am so very sorry for your difficult situation. The sentence does indeed seem severe. Is this the first time your son has been arrested. Was the crime considered violent? Is there any reports for his brain injury that can be provided to the courts to take into consideration for sentencing.
    I have been in and out of court do many times with our AS and he always gets a break. It is a crazy legal system that I feel is very broken.
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  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HALO527, welcome. I'm sorry that you are going thru this with your son, your experience is so sad. I'm glad you found us.

    I have no experience in what you're dealing with, I would just like to offer my support and warm wishes for you to find the solutions to keep your son safe and treated fairly.

    While you're going thru this, please remember to take care of yourself as well. I don't know if this is relevant or helpful in your particular situation, however if it feels right to you, check out NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can access them online. They offer parent courses for us, where you can find information, resources, support and guidance. It may be worth a phone call just to see if they offer anything which may be able to give you some peace and solace. Many of us here have private therapists to give us a safe place to get support and feel seen and heard. This is very hard stuff to deal with. I hope you have a good support system in place.

    It helps to share our stories, so I hope you will continue posting. We'll circle our wagons around you and do our best to support you. You're not alone. We understand.
  7. HALO527

    HALO527 New Member

    Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your kind words and empathy ♡
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  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry for what you are going through but you are not alone. One of the hardest things to accept is that we have no control over what happens to our adult children. I and many others here know that helpless feeling.
    Recoveringenabler has given you good advice about reaching out to NAMI.
    If your son does have to serve time you can reach out to the facility he will be in and find out what kind of programs they have available. Find out as much as you can about the facility, what are theri visitation policy, how to put money on your son's account, what can you mail to him

    Having a child in jail is something no parent ever wants to see happen. It can be scary but you do not have to let the fear consume you. My son has been in jail several times, currently serving 2 years. I don't like it but at least I know where he is opposed to him living on the streets.

    I know you want to be there for your son but you must take good care of yourself first. I know as a mom that can sound strange because we always put our children and others first but if we as mothers do not take care of ourselves we will not be able to take care of others. Even if you can only carve out 15 minutes a day just for you, do it. Take some time to recharge, go for a walk, take a bubble bath, listen to some relaxing music, something that is just for you.

    You are not alone. Please keep posting and let us know how things are going.

    ((HUGS)) for your hurting heart.
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  9. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    I am glad you found us here, You are not alone here HALO527! This is a safe place, and it is a great relief to be able to share your story, your fears, and your grief with others who understand. There is no shame here. We learn from each other and find comfort, support, and understanding. It is hard to not have the answers, and hard to stay patient with the unknown. What I have seen and learned on this site has literally helped me stay alive and stay sane through some very hard times. We are in this together.

    Of course your son is scared, and you are too. I just want to assure you that you will get through this time. Stay with us and keep posting and reading others' stories. You will get stronger, and learn the loving "detachment" that can bring you a peace of sorts in yourself.

    My son was also in jail, as are many other difficult children on this site. But my son is much older than your son. For me, it was actually a relief that my son ended up in jail, as I think it helped to be a wake up call for him. I have often thought that his "arrest" was his "rescue." .. But I think for you - I know it is especially hard, as your son is so young yet. It is a hard process to wait for the trial and decisions, and be facing the unknown for such a long time. I will be following along.

    Take care, dear. Know that you are going to be alright.
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  10. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    You are in a good place to be able to vent and get support. You are a great Mom and obviously care very much for your son. Put this all in God's hands and keep reaching out to us. Keeping you in my prayers.
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  11. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi HALO,

    Along with everyone else, I want to welcome you. This site will be such an amazing comfort, so please log in/read here often.

    My son has been incarcerated several times, and will be again in the near future - for a much longer stint.

    Perhaps, your son will decide to turn things around and will be given tools to help him. Keep us posted. I certainly hope his sentence is not unfair.

    And, let us know what you are doing good for yourself!

  12. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    Thank you so much for your supportive response. It helps me tremendously.
    God Bless you, Gail