Hard Decision

[exhausted]

We are again faced with a difficult decision. Do we send our daughter to yet another Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or do we just struggle through the next year? She says she will continue her same behavior and it is a waste of time and money, it,s her life to live. She even said she would disrupt the place so much they would send her home! She has had moments where she is so good to be with but continues her defiance. She didn't like how I responded to her tonight, so she left the house. Again she has no permission for this because she stole from us and is on restriction. She hasn't earned one thing back in the 7 weeks she has been home. No computor, no phone, no hair cuts, no new clothes, no going to friends (we do allow them here though only 2 have ever come, the rest are people she knows we would approve of). I don't know why we even pretend as she leaves anyway. Uses their phones and computors. She does exactly as she pleases when she is bored with home. We are only one week into EMDR and still no luck on a job. She only spends about 2 hours a day at GED tutoring. She knows we have no control-she flies just under the radar of the law. We are being used-a revolving door.

We have a place that our church recommended and we are working on seeing if they will take her(they are taking a long time). Our church will help us but we would be paying so much that we again would have no wiggle room-hope our cars hang on another year! I want her safe, but on the other hand are we just wasting money and delaying the inevitable? They have horses at this place. Maybe animals will change her-people sure haven't. What to do???

 

[Liahona]

Sorry I have no advice just support. I'm sure what ever you do will be well thought out and be what you think is best for her and the rest of you. I'm glad the church is helping.

 

[buddy]

I have no experience with this but want to tell you I am thinking of you and it is such a hard thing. I do have experience with therapeutic horseback riding! It has made a huge difference in my son (really impulsive and aggressive....he is starting to figure out I have no real physical power if he decides to walk out of the house too. Luckily he is still so developmentally young that I can trick him or manipulate him back in. Sounds awful but I remind him that he will miss out on all of his car races on tv for a week if I have to come and get him, etc.)

For the first time in his 14 years he has been able to play appropriately in our swimming pool with kids, and do neighborhood games like capture the flag and playing with nerf guns. I have to support him through it so he doesn't get carried away and become too rough or impulsive but for the most part he is redirectable and joining in ok. Kids are liking HIM and that is not how it usually goes so some shift has happened. i have theories but who knows....it is remarkable.

Best of everything for you and your daughter....again, so sorry

 

[keista]

How long until she is 18?

Unfortunately even at 16 and 17 laws tie parent's hands as to how much we can really help the kids. I was appalled to find out that in FL a kid can drop out of school without parental consent at 16, and there is NOTHING a parent can do. Adding insult to injury a parent is REQUIRED to support said kid.

I want her safe, but on the other hand are we just wasting money and delaying the inevitable?

Quite possibly, but is that expense worth keeping the chaos out of your house? Who can do more good? A therapeutic setting or you and husband? There are no guarantees either way. Maybe it's just time for a coin toss?


((((HUGS))))

 

[Zardo]

I agree with Keisha - at this point, it's more about setting boundaries in your home for the health and well being of those that live there. She will eventually get through what she is going through. I think at this stage, she has proven that she is unwilling to work with you, so you can't help her. Regardless of what she says, in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), she will be forced to follow the rules or live with the consequences and she will have far less power to maniputlate. Again though, I think your emotional health and the right to live in an abuse-free home is equally important.

 

[MuM_of_OCD_kiddo]

Deleted my post, after I read some of your previous posts.

You really been there and done that and then some - I am sorry you are going through such a hard time with her. I really have no advice for you, appearantly you tried everything that would normally suggested and none worked in the long run. The only thing that comes to mind after reading some of your previous posts, is trying for a new therapist since the old one doesn't seem to reach her. And to practise detachment if you value your own sanity! At 17 - if she is not willing, she is not willing and until she wants to make a change - it's not going to happen. Heartfelt Hugs, MuM.

 

[Liahona]

I thought she was reading recovery books to you? And going to the recovery center? That sounded like such a positive thing. Did she do a complete 180 or is she still willing to do somethings?

 

[toughlovin]

Oh I feel for you. I am not sure what I would do in your shoes. My son was at a TBS for 16 months when he was 16....it helped for awhile. He certainly learned some things and he did a lot better for awhile when he got back... but then things went way down hill again. So part of me wonders if it was worth all the expense but then I think, hey it kept him safe for those 16 months... not sure where he would be if he had not gone there. And he did learn some stuff that when he is doing well I think he can put into use.. So I just don't know if it is worth it or not for your daughter.

One other thought is for you to contact the juvenile court system and ask them what your options are. In some states you can put a CHINS (child in need of services) on your child and they will pick them up if they are not obeying the rules or missing curfew etc. I have known situations where they do an out of home placement.... so I think that is what I would do is call the juvenile court and ask what options you have for a minor who absolutely will not obey any of the rules at home.

Good luck and keep us posted.

TL

 

[exhausted]

Thank you all for your support, it means a lot! We have just finished going the juvenile court route and it was a nighmare! She was misplaced in a horrible foster situation, her medical needs were neglected in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) they next sent her to, and we had to get a lawyer-they did get into trouble, but it was basically a hand slap. There is no CHINS in our state. You can't even get to court on truency or running away and esp. at her age. The only way we got to court was when she pushed us trying to leave the house. Luckly the commissioner was greta and understood mental illness. The judge we got after her placement on the other hand....
She has had a great a week. The Residential Treatment Center (RTC) we were hoping for does not respond to my calls and said they would call me as soon as all of her records were in from previous placements. I bet they are not going to take her. The state Residential Treatment Center (RTC) really did a number and told the judge she did not need treatment anymore and that it was her "behavior". What the heck! How do you seperate behavior from the illness? They were affraid of a law suite since they allowed her to take over 60 pills-we almost lost her. They had to do some CYA to protect themselves. My guess is that they are continueing this by telling the new Residential Treatment Center (RTC) things that will keep her out.
Liahona-she is still reading and going to the center-but that is going to take awhile. Though this week has been good, who knows what she'll do next? She has only been there 2 times now. Day by day-right?

 

[toughlovin]

Oh I am so sorry you had such a bad experience. It is so frustrating when the systems out there don't help. I hope the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will call you back.... and would they not take her because of her behavior which just speaks to how much she needs help... or the state saying she doesn't need treatment? I hope they call you back so that you can advocate for her.

TL

 

[Liahona]

Sometimes one day at a time is all you can do. Sometimes its min by min. At least here that is how it is.

 

[rejectedmom]

My difficult child ran away from many programs and he did not end up in a good place. Would I do it again? Yes absolutely. I am free of guilt becaue I tried so hard to get him straightened out. In the end it is their choice whether they take the help offered or not but for me not offering it was not something I could live with when he was so young. Also the time he was out of the house and I was free of his abuse was healing time that I desparately needed. Only you know what you need to do to have some peace of heart. When they are so bent on being obstinate it becomes more about you than them. If having her out of the house is what you need and you can afford it, then Send her away. Even if she has said that she won't work at recovery you still have a valid reason to put her in a program. And maybe just maybe someone or something within the program will strike a chord in her and change her attitude. -RM

 

[DammitJanet]

I know how much you have been through with her and it breaks my heart for both of you. I had to quit pushing when Cory was 17. I just couldnt keep doing it. He had been in and out of placements since he was 11. I waved the white flag. If I was fighting harder than he was, what on earth was the point? For years I wondered if I had spent all those years dragging him hither and yon to no avail but now I think the things he heard but might not have used back then are kicking in now. Back then I never thought we would get through it.

Maybe you need to really think about if you can mentally and physically fight this if she isnt willing to also fight for it too.

 

[exhausted]

Thank you Janet. I don't know that I can keep fighting. I am truelly worn out. I don't even want to face our family therapist anymore. Holy cow, what can she do or say to help at this point that hasn't already been hashed and rehashed? We have had 2 good weeks. She aced every practice GED test and will take the real ones in a few weeks. They won't even tutor her anymore-told us she could get scholarships with those scores and even get into a University. She is just 17 and would be a Junior-so immature as she has spent so much time in RTCs. She is clueless about money, cant drive (we wont even consider this with her impulse issues), hated high school, trouble having friends (she wants to be too deap with them). How will she manage college? And how will we pay for college as we used all the money for Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? Should we even help as who knows if she will even go?

I agree, she will some day start to apply the things she learned as the frontal cortex developes-somehow I really have hope for this, just as your son is doing now. Next week, I may want her the heck out of here. Who knows. I am just not going to fight her. We keep everything locked up-no special anything for her, just the basics and we live our life. I pray she continues to NOT break the law. I pray that she doesn't find some other sneaky way to get what she wants. Thanks for your support.