Hate.

Sirikta

New Member
I think I hate my son...and I hate myself even more for even thinking it.

I'm a mother to two sons- a 9 year old and a 12 year old. Both boys are smart, creative, outgoing and independent, but my oldest is slowly destroying ourlives. He's been a terror his entire life- a difficult baby, a monstrous toddler, a spiteful, mean, violent, uncaring child. I understand that I sound like a horrible person...and I probably am for all the thoughts in my head.

I just don't know what to do anymore. We've done everything- autism testing when he was 2, I took him to a children's psychiatric ward when he was 4, in-home behavior intervention therapy until he was 5, hormone testing and counseling when he was 7, a special school when he was 8, psychiatric testing and more counseling when he was 9, another trip to the hospital when he was 10...a previously undisclosed ADHD diagnosis when he turned 12...more therapy...an IEP....and numerous calls to the police through all of this for behavior that is both violent and illegal.

He lies. He steals- he takes anything and everything he thinks he's entitled to...hundreds of dollars over the years stolen from me and my husband. He hurts his brother...maliciously destroys property, hits, kicks...choked him. He's set fires...thankfully nothing that's caused damage or injury. He killed a chicken at school once.... And he lies. And lies. And lies about it all. He's never done a single thing he's been accused of...even when we have video evidence.

And through it all, I've become a person that I hate. I can't even live with myself. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm bitter...I scream....so loud...so, so loud. I've thrown things. I've slapped him. I've become this horrible person that's destroying my family...my marriage...my children. I just want it all to stop but I can't find a way out. I can't live like this for the next 6 years...I don't think I'm strong enough.

And my 9 year old...he suffers so much. He shouldn't be growing up like this. I see the pain and sadness in his eyes every day and it just breaks me even more.

I'm sorry.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Sirikta

I have only a half a minute but will be back.

If you are in the States have you brought your son for a neuropsychologist evaluation? I suggest a regional children's hospital, child development center.

You have described the reality of your lives. That is the hardest part to face up to what is real. You are right. Nobody should live like this. Not you and your husband. Your youngest child, nor your oldest. What you describe is a dangerous and toxic environment. Nobody is strong enough to withstand this for years.

Have you explored ways that your son could get residential treatment? If you are in the USA the school district would pay a portion of this, and your insurance could as well. Your son's IEP is the ticket to this. I have been reading about neurofeedback. I thought of this when I read your post.

I hope you keep posting, as there have been a number of parents who have faced this, and worked it through. One or two of them still post here.

This is a process. That begins with the kind of honesty that you have come to. This is not your fault. Any other parent would feel the same way and react in the same way. You are not a horrible person. But this is a horrible situation, that you are enduring.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
There is another mom on this forum by the user name of B's Mom. She has very similar problems with her son. You might want to message her, or maybe she will see your post and tell you what she has done. She is as desperate as you. There are other parents going through this, so don't think you're alone.
 

Sirikta

New Member
Dear Sirikta

I have only a half a minute but will be back.

If you are in the States have you brought your son for a neuropsychologist evaluation? I suggest a regional children's hospital, child development center.

You have described the reality of your lives. That is the hardest part to face up to what is real. You are right. Nobody should live like this. Not you and your husband. Your youngest child, nor your oldest. What you describe is a dangerous and toxic environment. Nobody is strong enough to withstand this for years.

Have you explored ways that your son could get residential treatment? If you are in the USA the school district would pay a portion of this, and your insurance could as well. Your son's IEP is the ticket to this. I have been reading about neurofeedback. I thought of this when I read your post.

I hope you keep posting, as there have been a number of parents who have faced this, and worked it through. One or two of them still post here.

This is a process. That begins with the kind of honesty that you have come to. This is not your fault. Any other parent would feel the same way and react in the same way. You are not a horrible person. But this is a horrible situation, that you are enduring.

I think that's been the most difficult thing through all of this....I've stood, screaming from the rooftops, for help...and I feel like it just falls on deaf ears.

We don't qualify for residential programs because we aren't "low income"/on Medicaid.

And even though my husbamd and I are firmly middle-class, we still can't afford $15,000 a year in medical deductibles/premiums. (His job doesn't supplement health insurance costs for dependents and I work for a very small business with extremely high premiums)

Every single evaluation, testing, therapy, hospital visit has been through Nationwide Children's hospital- one of THE leading centers in the country. They failed for 2 years to notify us of his ADHD diagnosis (It got "overlooked" when there was a provider switch,) have sent us home with no follow-up and refused to keep him inpatient because he wasn't deemed enough of a "danger" to himself or others.

I've finally found an outpatient center for affordable counseling services...they're great...but my son resists absolutely everything

Our local police have flat out told us that it's not their job to parent our child after we've tried to get them involved for him stealing, physical violence and setting fires.

I've tried....I've tried so hard...
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
We don't qualify for residential programs because we aren't "low income"/on Medicaid.
I don't understand why your health insurance wouldn't pay for something that is medically necessary. This would be hard for me to take..

There is a book called The Explosive Child. I haven't read it but many parents here have. The author's first name I think is Ross. I can't remember the last name, but if you do a search here on this site you will find it.

I don't understand either the attitude of the police. If your son is setting fires and doing other physically violent things, this puts everybody at risk. I wonder if you could be helped by a Family Attorney, to explore options. I could think of involving CPS to try to get a specialized foster home for your older son, but that would open the door to making your younger vulnerable.

I have read on the internet that there are parents who surrender their parental rights so that their child can get the treatment paid for that they require. There are organizations like Boys Town that take children that act out like this.

I am wondering if something is wrong with his brain. That's why I mentioned neurofeedback which involves a diagnostic "mapping" of the brain and a training program (through use of feedback through movies or video games.) It is approved to treat ADHD and seems to be effective for many other issues. There is a training organization and clinic called eeginfo that has very good explanations of the treatment. They also have a story about their young son who had problems and was greatly helped.

The only other option I can think of right now is an expressive arts, experiential program of therapy. In particular something like Equine Therapy with horses. There is a sliding scale. if there is a facility near you. Horses help kids and people settle themselves. And you mention your children are highly creative. Is your son working with art materials now? What about martial arts, to channel his energy and aggression in a constructive way? In my experience these teachers can be gifted to help guide kids like ours. My son loved Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Capoiera.

There will be others around shortly. All of us help each other. No single one of us may have "the" answer but little by little, by being together and working this through, we find a way through. I want to tell you again how sorry I am you have to deal with something so very hard.
 

Sirikta

New Member
I don't understand why your health insurance wouldn't pay for something that is medically necessary. This would be hard for me to take..

There is a book called The Explosive Child. I haven't read it but many parents here have. The author's first name I think is Ross. I can't remember the last name, but if you do a search here on this site you will find it.

I don't understand either the attitude of the police. If your son is setting fires and doing other physically violent things, this puts everybody at risk. I wonder if you could be helped by a Family Attorney, to explore options. I could think of involving CPS to try to get a specialized foster home for your older son, but that would open the door to making your younger vulnerable.

I have read on the internet that there are parents who surrender their parental rights so that their child can get the treatment paid for that they require. There are organizations like Boys Town that take children that act out like this.

I am wondering if something is wrong with his brain. That's why I mentioned neurofeedback which involves a diagnostic "mapping" of the brain and a training program (through use of feedback through movies or video games.) It is approved to treat ADHD and seems to be effective for many other issues. There is a training organization and clinic called eeginfo that has very good explanations of the treatment. They also have a story about their young son who had problems and was greatly helped.

The only other option I can think of right now is an expressive arts, experiential program of therapy. In particular something like Equine Therapy with horses. There is a sliding scale. if there is a facility near you. Horses help kids and people settle themselves. And you mention your children are highly creative. Is your son working with art materials now? What about martial arts, to channel his energy and aggression in a constructive way? In my experience these teachers can be gifted to help guide kids like ours. My son loved Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Capoiera.

There will be others around shortly. All of us help each other. No single one of us may have "the" answer but little by little, by being together and working this through, we find a way through. I want to tell you again how sorry I am you have to deal with something so very hard.

The school he goes to is actually specifically for troubled youth, it's a working farm with horses, cows, dogs, goats, etc. They garden, they have both structure and supervused range of 16 acres. They've made some strides with his peer skills, academics and "triggered" outbursts and take the time to work WITH us and the school district (even when the district is being less than helpful themselves.)

The insurance problem is that we don't have it right now, I have to pay for everything out of pocket. Our premiums would be almost $1500 a month through either of our jobs, the "obamacare" plans are about half that in premiums, but have anywhere from a 8-15k deductible. We're both job hunting, hoping to find a better option.

We also don't qualify for any state healthcare either and the residental programs around us don't even accept private insurance if we did have it.

I've honestly thought a lot about calling CPS and getting them involved...I feel like it's my last option...but I'm so terrified of what could possibly happen.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Gosh, that school sounds great. Am I correct that when one of you gets a job with health insurance that there may be coverage for him to go to residential treatment?

When my son was little I applied to a private organization for help to pay for language therapy. They awarded me several thousand dollars and then they paid the bills. There are private resources, often through religious organizations. My son went to a non-public school for awhile paid for by his IEP. It was mostly residential. It was run by the Catholic Church, I think. There are consultants that help parents find help and find resources. Nobody could do this alone. There are also advocates that help parents in IEPs. That is what worked for us. I found an organization called Disability Rights in Berkeley. They sent an attorney with us to the IEP's (for free.)

I think that you are exhausted. This happens to all of us. I find that what has helped me is spirituality, for one, and to have strong interests, that sustain me and give me an outlet.

If things will change when one of you gets a job, in terms of access to care for your son, what would it take to hold onto a little longer? What would help? Is there a way that you can get respite (say from family members)? Could your husband take on more of the day to day supervision of the children? Are all of you stuck at home with the Coronavirus? Can you talk to your son? Does he understand the nature of the problem, even sometimes? Is your son safe to be by himself at home? What are his interests? Is there something he especially likes at the school? Is he

What is your sense of what is wrong with him? What do you fear? What would be the best case? I am not remembering if there has been cruelty to animals. You describe him so glowingly. His intellect and creativity. Are there periods where he is calm and cooperative and constructive? Can he be loving to the family? To who? Does somebody in the family trigger him? Do you get the sense he has insight?

I don't know where everybody is today. In my part of the country it is so hot. Maybe everybody went to the beach.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Some states have a process to apply for medicaid based on the child's needs. Our local mental health facility helped us apply, and our adopted granddaughter was approved. At the time she was a teen and struggled with self harm and drug usage.
Each state calls the program something different...

Our primary insurance paid or processed claims first, then the balance was paid my medicaid. You are limited to faci,cities that accept Medicaid, though.

Ksm
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
One other thought...have you checked on applying for SSI for your child? It's a lo g process, but for most states it includes medicaid coverage.

Also google SED Medicaid waiver plus the name of your state to find out what the program is called and where to apply. Ksm
 

overcome mom

Active Member
You are not an awful person. When we feel helpless sometimes all we want is out.
If you could afford it you might want to think about hiring an attorney specializing in school issues, sometimes called an education attorney. We hired one to have the school district pay for residential for my son as he was not able to be educated at any of the different programs available through the school district. The attorney never had to even show up once. When the school district realized they were going to have to go to court they decided it would be cheaper to pay for residential. My son's issue was running away and getting into arguments with the teachers and students. Usually you have to show that what ever program the school district has, has not worked. They always start with the least restrictive environment.
I would continue to call the police if he is violent and or destructive. If they refuse to do anything I would make sure to get their names and document their refusal. I would let them know that you are keeping track. Hang in there and keep posting
 

amazeofgrace

A maze of Grace - that about sums it up
Just sending positive vibes and virtual hugs - through my journey with both of my boys I have always been thankful for the bright spots - and also well aware there are parents out there with little to no bright spots - and I can't even imagine how hard that must be for you.

Love yourself - and keep screaming for help - and hopefully you will find some here as well. AOG
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Sirikta,

I haven't dealt with your situation, but wanted to offer up support and prayers. I would lean toward having him removed before he harms anyone further. If he can't control himself, he needs help that you can not provide. If he CAN control himself and chooses not to, that would definitely be a reason to remove him. I hope you get some relief soon and can return to a place of peace.
Love,
JMOM
 

susiestar

Roll With It
You are not awful for feeling your feelings. I also had a very violent child, and I know exactly how you are feeling! My son tried many times to kill his little sister and I. Serious attempts, not the sort of thing you imagine from a child. We ended up having to move him out of the house when he was 14. Someone was going to end up dead or seriously hurt/maimed if he stayed in our house.

I had a method that I used whenever I needed to find some hard to find resource for what my son needed. It involved a notebook, a phone, an outline of what was going on, and many hours. I started with my husband's priest. I explained what was going on briefly and asked if they knew of any programs or anyone who might know of resources to help us. I took notes of where I called, who I spoke with, if I left a message, and any info they could give me. It took me a few days of being on the phone ALLLLL day (up to 7-8 hours a day), but I ended up with the resources we needed. We were also too poor to afford the help he needed but we made too much money to get medicaid.
 

Scott184

New Member
I feel for you, have been in the same place. You are only human, take a deep breath and realize its not possible to be beaten down forever without reacting.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
I have not experienced your specific issues with your son but wanted you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Don't give up. I would suggest you use any spare time when your son is at school or busy with another activity to do something that will strengthen you, give you peace or make you laugh. If you become so depleted, you won't have the strength to stand up for yourself or find help for your son. If you believe in God. Pray, not just for your son but for yourself. Prayer, in my opinion, often changes us...helps us to do what we need to do even if the situation we're praying about doesn't change.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Also wanted to offer my support and please don't be so hard on yourself. I have not dealt with this particular situation but my son's addiction put me in the same place you are in emotionally and every other way!

Prayer and my faith somehow helped me through it and it can help you too.

You have gotten some excellent advice and resources from the folks here. So glad you found us!
 

Saundra

6 more years
My 12 year old is the same way. I told his counselor that if his father treated me the way the child does they would call it Domestic Violence and try to get me to move out! It has often felt like the counselors (he is charming) and other people think I exaggerate his behavior, or its just a phase but its a 12 year phase at this point. To his credit he has a fantastic sense of humor. My son does not appear to be malicious at this point nor is he violent. Its hard to get help because his test scores are too good for IEP, and his behavior is not violent enough for the police to be called.
Treatments so far: Counseling, graduated at age 7, Back to counseling 2018, 504 Plan at school ( not during Covid of course) Group Therapy in afternoons at an intense outpatient facility (probably more to give me a break and him from home) Neuro Feedback and QEEG testing.

However, he has stolen tons of money from us via sneaking our debit cards, buying things online, like V bucks for Fortnite :mad: so not things we can return. Once confronted he always says he feels bad. He promises to do better, but he lies and any chance he gets he will break the rules or sneak to steal things out of my bedroom or his sisters. He once stole 2 dollars out of my change bin in the car, and when I was looking for it he even helped me look for where those quarters must have gone.

His counselor referred us to a book called P.E.T, Parent Effectiveness Training handbook. We have just started it but some reviews appear promising. He argues and screams in my face daily. Keeping cool is hard for his father and I but last night he sat down to dinner and said "I am sorry I was yelling at you, I will try harder to not do it so much tomorrow" on his own. We were not lecturing, or anything he just realized it was out of hand. He said when he yells at us and throws stuff is is like a release and then he feels better. But then he stayed up in his room until after midnight banging around because he never wants to go to sleep so we don't get to either....

Good Luck getting through this. I hope you are able to find something that at least helps you get through.
 
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