Having a bad day

Helpless29

Well-Known Member
Just thought I come on and post because the last few days I have been feeling some sadness, don’t know why in my quiet alone moments I pull up my sons old text messages & pics when my son was sober the first time he went to the sober living house , how he loved his job ,he had signed up for college to work on getting his GED , how excited he was for his new promotion & the pics he would send me with his morning coffee at his desk. And here he is now in jail, I know he needed this to reevaluate his life choices and put a stop to his craziness.. Court is in 2 days & we will find out his sentence, he told me his Public defender said he will do 6 months if he pleads guilty with time served but he’ll be a convicted felon . My mind has been all over , he’ll come out with absolutely nothing . I been looking up places of where he can go to get help ,when he gets out. My mind is racing , I feel sadness , I’m angry that this is still going on , just so many emotions the last few days .
 

Nandina

Member
Hi Helpless,

My 21 year old son served jail time too and is now a convicted felon (non-violent crime). I thought it would be the end of the world because he would never get hired anywhere so job opportunities would be lost, etc., but you’d be surprised how many companies will hire convicted felons. You can go online and see the list; many are major well-known companies.

Of course it probably depends on the crime as well, and companies are more hesitant to hire those with violent offenses or sex offenders but overall, it is not impossible for a felon to get a job.

Also, some states allow the charge to be expunged after a certain amount of time on probation with good behavior. In my son’s case it is 10 years. He would still be a young man (of 31) if he could abide by the rules of his probation and stay out of trouble for 10 years.

Maybe this will give you some hope that there can be a future for your son when he gets out so long as he makes the right decisions. We know how hard that is, but if he wants to stay out of jail he will have to comply with the rules of his probation and maintain appropriate behavior. This could be his wake up call. I hope so. Sending love and hugs.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I have seen quite a few job ads that say convicted felons can be considered. Some of the jobs sound like gainful employment.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I am in a special kind of therapy specifically to stop catastrophizing. Catastrophizing is defined as always jumping to the worst case scenario when a situation that is tough comes up. My therapist wants me to buy Mind over Mood and I am going to work it with her.

As one who always jumps to the worst case scenario I am learning how I destroyed my life by doing this. This is partly why I kept enabling Kay. I thought homelessness would end in her death so we bought her houses, cars, paid for apartments, lawyers etc.

Kay has been homeless for over a year by now. She is alive, eating, still healthy and putting on FB how much she loves being out of the rat race. Half our very carefully saved retirement went to Kay. Kay is partly living my catestrophic horror story. She is still unemployed and probably on daily weed, if not more, and she is not thriving. But she learned how to stay alive on the streets without money from us. She tried to get Disability, food share and Medicard and she did. She is not dead.

Catastrophizing may be the most harmful cognitive distortion there is. It rarely ends up being what happens.

I wish you hugs and love.
 

Helpless29

Well-Known Member
I am in a special kind of therapy specifically to stop catastrophizing. Catastrophizing is defined as always jumping to the worst case scenario when a situation that is tough comes up. My therapist wants me to buy Mind over Mood and I am going to work it with her.

As one who always jumps to the worst case scenario I am learning how I destroyed my life by doing this. This is partly why I kept enabling Kay. I thought homelessness would end in her death so we bought her houses, cars, paid for apartments, lawyers etc.

Kay has been homeless for over a year by now. She is alive, eating, still healthy and putting on FB how much she loves being out of the rat race. Half our very carefully saved retirement went to Kay. Kay is partly living my catestrophic horror story. She is still unemployed and probably on daily weed, if not more, and she is not thriving. But she learned how to stay alive on the streets without money from us. She tried to get Disability, food share and Medicard and she did. She is not dead.

Catastrophizing may be the most harmful cognitive distortion there is. It rarely ends up being what happens.

I wish you hugs and love.
It is so true , I’m already thinking about how when he gets out he’ll have absolutely nothing but the clothes on his back & all these bad scenarios once he walks out of jail & he hasn’t even been sentenced yet . Thank you for sharing this with me because Catastrophizing mentally kills me and I really needed this advice especially on these harder days when my mind runs wild with crazy thoughts.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I did not know about catastrophizing. I was that kid who thought ,"I am going to be thrown out of school and end up homeless under a bridge," if I didn't do well in one test in college. Or "I didn't get a promotion so I might as well quit because I'm going to be fired anyhow." This mindset made every setback, big and little, a life or death emergency. At least to me. I am glad I know about it now and what it is. Although it is late in my life I am motivated to work on not jumping to these conclusions anymore. I hope you can too. They rarely come true.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
My son, who has major depression and a severe anxiety disorder, is a person who catastrophizes about everything. His mind always goes to the worst case scenario and he imagines the worst. The majority of the time, the worst doesn’t happen. He hasn’t learned this yet. In addition to his medications, therapy, school, and swimming, he tries to keep himself so busy that he doesn’t have time to think about bad things. When his anxiety becomes crippling, he doesn’t want to leave his room, but knows that he immediately feels better if he starts doing something.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I was told that people who catastastrophize can't help it...it is the first thing their mind grabs onto, which they need therapy to change...there are ways to change ones default, but you don't just learn that the worse case scenario doesn't happen. Your mind can still go straight to catastrophizing, even if your worst fear never happens. Often people with cptsd or anxiety or depression are more prone to doing this and catastrophizing makes the other conditions worse.
I hope your son gets good help and can change his catastrophic thinking. It is truly horrible.
I think, as a group, people who come to this forum tend to catastrophize. Maybe people who do not catastrophize have an easier time with wayward adult kids.

Hugs and love.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Interesting stuff. I had a slight tendency to catastrophize probably due to an abusive parent. I was doing better with that until my “special” child came along. Sadly/interestingly it all started over as she very very likely would turn things into crud. All things…every thing. And leave a wake of collateral damage. It became “wiser” to assume the worst. I kept on trying to be optimistic, only to be hit in the face with more crud. I try not to let it spill over into other areas of my life …just have a healthy skepticism’s without being overly critical, paranoid, negative etc. Life really can be good, especially when you detach as much as possible from an adult child who is not making any effort to improve .

And fir us to personally associate with those who are kind and responsible…and of course be that way ourselves. Blessings.
 
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Fairy dust

New Member
This can be part of inter generational trauma. I suffer from this and am actively in therapy to address it. My parents were both children in World War 2 And had traumatic experiences during the war which they carried with them throughout their lives. Growing up we quickly learned to always forecast what could happen and then plan contingency plans for the worst. Only in my later life have I come to realize how debilitating this type of thinking can be in that it limits the positive what ifs! Sometimes too paralyzed to take next steps Worrying about falling off a cliff. Greatfully through therapy I am learning to change my default switch and thinking which has really helped my anxiety.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Hi
I have done this as well - not my entire life - but as it relates to my son. It drives my husband crazy!!!

I am getting better. Once you realize you do it, it helps a lot!!
 

mindinggaps

New Member
My son, who has major depression and a severe anxiety disorder, is a person who catastrophizes about everything. His mind always goes to the worst case scenario and he imagines the worst. The majority of the time, the worst doesn’t happen. He hasn’t learned this yet. In addition to his medications, therapy, school, and swimming, he tries to keep himself so busy that he doesn’t have time to think about bad things. When his anxiety becomes crippling, he doesn’t want to leave his room, but knows that he immediately feels better if he starts doing something.
Crayola, it sounds like your son is overall doing quite well. Do you mind me asking what medications he uses for his situation?
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
Crayola, it sounds like your son is overall doing quite well. Do you mind me asking what medications he uses for his situation?
Paxil has been the most helpful, but he has also been on Prozac at various times. I have no idea what type of medication he was given when he was born to wean him off cocaine. I think a lot of his success is because his grandmother did such an amazing job with him the first two years of his life. Plus, he got into therapy shortly afterwards, and still goes on a weekly basis, even when he thinks he doesn’t need it. He has a naturally agreeable, sociable personality. I don’t know if he got those traits from his birth parents.
 

mindinggaps

New Member
Paxil has been the most helpful, but he has also been on Prozac at various times. I have no idea what type of medication he was given when he was born to wean him off cocaine. I think a lot of his success is because his grandmother did such an amazing job with him the first two years of his life. Plus, he got into therapy shortly afterwards, and still goes on a weekly basis, even when he thinks he doesn’t need it. He has a naturally agreeable, sociable personality. I don’t know if he got those traits from his birth parents.
@Crayola13 Thanks for sharing. I've posted about my story here, but it is similar in many ways to your son. I've sent a message to you just in case you ever wanted to chat.
 
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