He is out

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Triedntrue, Jan 11, 2020.

  1. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    My son was released from jail today. I picked him up because when he went in he didn't have a coat. I had told him he was on his own while he was still in. The positives he is on medications although not the right ones . He has an appointment Monday to start at a outpatient center for his bipolar and adhd. He has made similar plans in past. Also says he is signing up for ss disability. Day by day. I gave in and bought him a phone with 1 month service actually the phone came with sign up. I also got a one week bus pass so he can get to job applications and medical. I was mad at myself but thought if he can't get to medical and jobs or get in touch with them he has no chance. I did not find him a place to stay and ignored the list of i needs. He is homeless but staying in an unheated garage so hints of i could freeze to death without.... I hope i am doing the right thing. Do what you can live with right. I am trying not to get my hopes up but ....
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  2. skittles

    skittles Member

  3. ooo

    ooo Member

    I feel ya. Why in the world are these kids doing this to themselves and their families?
    This is such a crazy world we are in.
    I hope you can find comfort and get your rest.
    It's amazing to me how we all comfort each other yet we can't break the chain. Everyone of us know what we need to do but just can't. This is love my friends. Hard core love for these people we bore.
    I read the post and think yes, you should do this or that but for some reason I can't think that definite when it comes to mine.
    I pray for all of us going through these horrible things and just wish we were all able to make the hard decisions without the tough emotions that come with those decisions.
    God Bless you. Get some rest . Clear your mind, find that peace.

    Peace and Love
  4. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Oh, some of us have reached the point of making hard decisions. But I don't think any of us decide to stop helping without feeling deep emotions.

    Yet I know that there is nothing I can do. I could see nothing getting better and my grandchild not being raised in an acceptable way.

    Please do what you can to soothe yourself and find peace.
  5. skittles

    skittles Member

    You gave him the basic tools to find help for himself, communication ability and transportation, with that he should be able to get to a mens shelter if necessary. Enabling and helping someone to help themselves can be a fine line but I think what you did was a good compromise. Its hard but sometimes necessary. i put my son out at 18. I gave him the number for the local youth shelter. He then began a many year circle of shelters, tents , even a cardboard box, couch surfing, living with girlfriends, and jail. I was guilt ridden and worried sick but I didnt want him back here. If he wanted better than homelessness in life, hed have to work for it. Currently hes living with a girlfriend but hes one fight with her away from ending up homeless again and hes now 33. Because of his instability, if I allowed him here everytime he was homeless, it would continue indefinately. It may do so regardless but I cant change that, only he can, and if i allowed him home hed have no reason to change that.i can only give you my experience as an example, but I think you did the right thing. Take care and stay strong
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  6. Deni D

    Deni D Member

    I have a Bipolar, anosognostic son, younger than yours, but old enough to consider you "my people". My son used to know he had Bipolar disorder but he's morphed into someone who has decided he's fine, but instead was raised in an abusive home with all kinds of out there confabulations of his "truth" with the theme being me someone who purposely ruined his life.

    My son has been released from the hospital on the wrong medications, numerous times. I made sure they had the background documentation with all of his doctors, hospitalizations, medication history and much more but obviously no one read the info. This stuff drives me crazy. So I guess in jail they are the same.

    They "can nether confirm nor deny" but you can send them info. If you know what medications have worked for him in the past and you can relay this info to them. I would try to send it in writing, if you choose to.

    This is good, because it will include Medicaid, something that will cover his outpatient visits he so needs if he continues with them.

    I don't know why you were mad at yourself. You have not stepped over any lines. Supporting him to get to the doctors and job interviews is supporting him, not enabling him. Now if you bought him a car or a brand new iPhone to do these things then you could be mad at yourself.

    I know how tough it is for parents of mentally ill adults. We question everything we do. It all seems like a catch 22. We can't make them do the right thing for themselves and we question every little thing we do for them. We are stuck accepting that the system is set up to let them, make them, fail. It's no longer like the old days when family members could tackle someone and bring them to the hospital to have them admitted and kept against their will until the right medications are found and start to work for them to clear their minds enough for them to move forward in life. One thing I hold onto is ~~ when my son's father told me he knew he wasn't acting right, he knew he needed help, no matter what he was saying and doing, and he knew at that point in his life he had to make it happen himself.

    He did, he functions very well these days, much better than I would have ever imagined.

    Just like you, I've been forced to step aside. Your son, like mine, may or may not do what he needs to do for himself. We hold our breath, hoping, and praying.

    If your son believes he does have Bipolar disorder he is in a much better place than 40% of the people with this disorder. And from what you have posted he has the tools available to him to help himself.

    So anyway I think you did real well, no reason to question what you have done for him. Instead I think you should pat yourself on the back for successfully walking that very thin line between "supporting" and "enabling".
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  7. MissLulu

    MissLulu Member

    TNT, I think you've done really well. You've made smart choices that might help him, but are not enabling. I hope he does well now he's out and and makes some good choices for himself. Whatever happens, you have done your best, and that's all any of us can do. It's up to him now.
  8. JMom

    JMom Active Member


    I think you did all the right things. Keep your head up, you're doing great.
  9. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Thank you all for your kind support.

    Deni D we have been through a lot of the same things. I agree that the system is not very helpful. Thank you it helped to read your post so much.

    Skittles thank you for your confirmation about the phone and bus pass it means a lot.

    Busy yes we do suffer with what we need to do. I am sure much more than they do for what they put us through.

    Miss Lulu and jmom thank you for your supportive words.

    Overwhelmed : it has taken me way to long to reach this point i hope things work out for you.

    Again thank you all!!!!
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  10. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Triedntrue, I had a feeling your son was getting out of jail soon. I have been following your posts for a few years and read the agony in them. You have gone beyond and then even more beyond to help your son. Your son is getting close to 40, probably turning 38 this year, same age as my daughter. 40 is getting up there. Way too old to keep forcing a wicked lifestyle on his mother. Just listen to your heart and stomach and it will guide you into making the right decisions. I know we guess and second guess the things we do for our wayward adult children.. We only do what we can live with. I have been cutting more and enabling ties. It has been a long, long process. I hope since your son is out of jail that he will take his own responsibility. I hope you have the strength to put his problems back where they belong, back to him. I pray you get the peace of mind you so deserve.
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  11. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    All of these decisions with our difficult children can be gut wrenching, but with the support of those here, we are finding our way.
    I think you gracefully walked a fine line of doing what you felt you could and not crossing your own boundaries.

    I have been in a similar situation many times with my DS after his release from jail - wracked with worry, helping with what I can, and sometimes with too much, but knowing, ultimately, that I have to learn to detach to protect myself.

    You are in my thoughts.
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  12. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I think you did a great job in being supportive, yet not enabling like someone else already commented. I think what you did I might do for anyone coming out of jail and obviously needing a hand up. You gave him a free phone with 1 month limit and a buss pass so you are not locked into anything.
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  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I think what you did was fine. You let him know that you love him, you offered some very practical tools for him and that is enough.
    Of course it hurts our hearts to see our children suffer no matter what age they are but we must hold firm in our resolve that we cannot, nor should we live their lives for them.
    My son has been in and out of jail quite a few times. My husband and I have gone above and beyond to try and help him. Bottom line, what I have learned, sometimes they just don't want the help. Don't get me wrong, they want us to continue to enable them but they don't want to do the hard work that is needed to progress their lives onto a more stable foundation.
    I've been on the receiving end of desperate messages from my son saying he was going to freeze to death or starve to death. My reply to him was simple, "you are smart and I know you will figure something out".
    While the concept is very easy, we choose not to enable our adult children but putting it into practice takes time. I think you are in a very good place. As for getting your hopes up, here's what I do. I allow myself to have 1% of hope that my son will someday live a life that does not involve being a homeless drifter. There is always hope but I'm not going to allow that to consume me because if I do, it will destroy me.
    My son will be 38 next week.
    ((HUGS)) to you......... Stay strong, you really are doing great!!!
  14. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Don't be so hard on yourself. I agree with many others here. You minimally without getting too involved did what your heart told you to do. I think for myself when in these situations the hard part is that they want an immediate answer to their problems (from us). We are pushed up against the wall, so to speak with out emotions. If we could have time to step away for a day or two to make decisions not based on our emotions we'd often times, I think do better and react the way we know we should and can given some time to sort things through.

    However, we have to give ourselves credit for the progress we've made. I kind of look at it sometimes like we are the Enablers and they are our addiction. We have to learn new ways of coping with our addiction of rescuing, fixing and if at all possible for me the first step has been to step away from the immediate need to handle the problem at hand. Everything always seems like (and sometimes is) a crisis and has to be made better that instant, according to our Difficult Child's. Since they most often won't be the one's to do that, we have to.

    Detach, detach, detach with love. That is the only way you'll ever have some peace. Yes, there's still pain and hurt but not being in the middle of their tornado's you will start to feel a little better day to day. Never completely better but better.

    Get rest because when we are tired we also can make poor decisions and decisions that bring "us" immediate relief from the emotional hurt we feel over their situation.
  15. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    You all are so sweet and so supportive i don't think i could do this without you.
    New start i have kept track of you as well and always find good support from you. Thank you.
    Acasia i am getting better but it is taking a long time.
    Wise choices Thank you.
    Tanya yes so far he has found a place for better or worse with an ex and went on his own to his first mental health support so i am at maybe 2% hope.
    Jp so right on the immediate answers. He has asked for things i refused and asked for immediate answers on others that i told him i needed to think about i was proud of myself. It ended up he didn't need them.
  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I agree with the others. You did great!

    It's not possible for us to change someone else's mindset. If it were, we'd all be living a great life!