He made his choice...

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Oh goodness. Once again I have to learn the hard way...I am not my son’s savior.

A few weeks ago my son (the younger one age 32 now) Found himself in another hospital in California after having suicidal ideation while on drugs. So of course...mom to the rescue, sigh.

I bought him a bus ticket home after he finally received his ID in the mail at the hospital. Hospital staff helped me arrange everything by printing out his ticket and getting him an Uber ride to Walmart (for travel money) and a ride to the bus station.

Well what do you think my son did with a bus ticket home in one hand and a $100 bill in the other?

After 3 days of not hearing from him, he finally called. But this time, this time I was ready for the call as dear husband and I discussed what needed to be done. It was an ah ha moment for me...Distance.

When our son called me , I asked what happened? All he said was that he was in a hospital for using drugs again but that we could get the bus ticket exchanged. I said, “No J. Listen to me...you need to get your life together and get off drugs for good. I love you dearly I just can’t keep going through this with you. Do not call me for the next 6 months. I do not want to talk to you again until September.” Then I hung up.

It finally came down to the most obvious fact... I can’t save this son. Anymore than I could save my oldest. He will have to do this by his own strength (and G-ds).

I have felt a tremendous peace lately. I often even forget to think about him during the day these days. I do pray for him almost every night though and am really “trusting” G-d to do the work in his life.

Distance that I have put in place between he and I is the only thing I haven’t tried before.
I am hoping it will make a difference in both of our “co-dependent“ lives.

LMS
 

Estherfromjerusalem

Well-Known Member
Well, dear LMS, you and your husband have done more than everything to help your son time and time again. It seems to me that your instinct as a mother is what guides you always, and this time I am sure you have made the right decision. It must have been hard at the time but it sounds to me as if you felt that it was meant to be, and that you are at (relative) peace with it, with your decision. I send you my love and a big strong hug. I think you are an absolutely amazing mother, and very brave.

Love, Esther
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Distance is something I’m trying to to do with my 18 year old homeless but I’m just not strong enough. I tried so many times but always fall back into “he is the victim “ trap & get betrayed every-time . I pray for our sons to get the help they need, I hope to get the strength to find the peace I need & not continue to let him consume my life . Sending hugs
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Dear Esther and Helpless...
Thank you both SO much for the support and care.

Esther, it was a difficult decision to make as my son and I are actually very close. We are made similarly...as we both have Bipolar disorder and also share talents and even like the same music.
And you’re right. We have tried everything else. This has been going on for too long now.
Son was around age 13 the first time we knew something was wrong...a neighbor came to us and told us they saw our son huffing a can of glade! Then came drug rehab, wilderness program, counseling, hospitalizations, Army (discharged for drug use) wife, children, prison, more hospitalization and ultimately homelessness.
We have put out SO much effort trying to save this one...but it is finally up to him. I am 54 now. Dear husband and I are both tired. We still have goals to reach...and unfortunately our son will endlessly use the time and resources we have left just going around in circles while drug use is always his end goal. This has to stop! We have to stop it because he won’t!

Helpless...I SO understand the sympathy you have for your son and the “victim trap”. I remember the first time I drove to the building that my son slept by and saw him sleeping there with my own eyes...I knew because of his latest incident at home then that I could not pick him up and bring him back home. Was one of the saddest nights of my life.

Late Friday night (this past week) my son left a voicemail on his father’s phone. He said, “I think I’m going to die tonight.”
We have not heard from him since.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Dear Esther and Helpless...
Thank you both SO much for the support and care.

Esther, it was a difficult decision to make as my son and I are actually very close. We are made similarly...as we both have Bipolar disorder and also share talents and even like the same music.
And you’re right. We have tried everything else. This has been going on for too long now.
Son was around age 13 the first time we knew something was wrong...a neighbor came to us and told us they saw our son huffing a can of glade! Then came drug rehab, wilderness program, counseling, hospitalizations, Army (discharged for drug use) wife, children, prison, more hospitalization and ultimately homelessness.
We have put out SO much effort trying to save this one...but it is finally up to him. I am 54 now. Dear husband and I are both tired. We still have goals to reach...and unfortunately our son will endlessly use the time and resources we have left just going around in circles while drug use is always his end goal. This has to stop! We have to stop it because he won’t!

Helpless...I SO understand the sympathy you have for your son and the “victim trap”. I remember the first time I drove to the building that my son slept by and saw him sleeping there with my own eyes...I knew because of his latest incident at home then that I could not pick him up and bring him back home. Was one of the saddest nights of my life.

Late Friday night (this past week) my son left a voicemail on his father’s phone. He said, “I think I’m going to die tonight.”
We have not heard from him since.
I could not imagine how you must be feeling to get that message ,all the scenarios that must be going through your mind . I pray are sons will find the right path & one day we all could have peace . I pray they find shelter , food & are out of the cold . Sending hugs . Keep us updated please .
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
So glad you found the strength to get off your son's merry go round. You have to get tough and it's hard but if you aren't tough, you are enabling him and we all know that can lead to a bad ending. It did for a good friend of mine and she has to live with that. I'm so glad you distanced yourself, even though we all know how difficult that is for moms!
 
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