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Substance Abuse
He wants to try again...
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 738737" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Yes, tl. Thank you.</p><p></p><p>It took me a long, long time to get to this point. Because I did see boundaries as a way to have control over him. I see that now. My support was contingent. That he change.</p><p></p><p>You know how that goes. I taught him how to manipulate. I lost any personal authority I had vis a vis him. He has contempt for me.</p><p></p><p>I was willing to sacrifice everything. I did not matter. I was expendable.</p><p></p><p>Until I had to see that I had hit bottom.</p><p></p><p>Even then I hoped that if I valued myself, it would have an effect. Still thinking strategically.</p><p></p><p>Now. I see I have no control. I feel it. And I feel what it would be like to live the rest of my life in this place.</p><p></p><p>Love does not go away. But it changes when there is fear. Yes. And disgust.</p><p></p><p>When I was my son's age I decided to never again see my own father, who was a drunk and used drugs. I had to accept I was degraded by him. And when I cut ties, he grew to hate me and hated me for the rest of his life.</p><p></p><p>And now? The same.</p><p></p><p>There was a crushing pain until a few weeks ago. Which has morphed into an ache, with moments of horror that break through.</p><p></p><p>I am going to start up therapy again to try to deal with my father, now dead 35 years.</p><p></p><p>This poor mother who started this thread has not been back. And I seem to have hijacked her thread. I do not post new threads about this, but it leaks out every now and then. I am sorry.</p><p></p><p>You see.. Now I know there is nothing I can do.</p><p></p><p>I guess that is why this is so hard. Thank you tl.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 738737, member: 18958"] Yes, tl. Thank you. It took me a long, long time to get to this point. Because I did see boundaries as a way to have control over him. I see that now. My support was contingent. That he change. You know how that goes. I taught him how to manipulate. I lost any personal authority I had vis a vis him. He has contempt for me. I was willing to sacrifice everything. I did not matter. I was expendable. Until I had to see that I had hit bottom. Even then I hoped that if I valued myself, it would have an effect. Still thinking strategically. Now. I see I have no control. I feel it. And I feel what it would be like to live the rest of my life in this place. Love does not go away. But it changes when there is fear. Yes. And disgust. When I was my son's age I decided to never again see my own father, who was a drunk and used drugs. I had to accept I was degraded by him. And when I cut ties, he grew to hate me and hated me for the rest of his life. And now? The same. There was a crushing pain until a few weeks ago. Which has morphed into an ache, with moments of horror that break through. I am going to start up therapy again to try to deal with my father, now dead 35 years. This poor mother who started this thread has not been back. And I seem to have hijacked her thread. I do not post new threads about this, but it leaks out every now and then. I am sorry. You see.. Now I know there is nothing I can do. I guess that is why this is so hard. Thank you tl. [/QUOTE]
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