Healing from Parental Narcissistic Abuse

[BusynMember]

This is one of the best youtube videos I saw on what happens when the most dominant parent assigns roles to the children. Of late, since my father's estate is almost settled, I have thought about how much I never had a family of origin who accepted anything about me and that now I am going to be 100% leaving my DNA behind me. It has sent me on a binge of reading about narcicistic parents, etc.

I do want you to know that 99.9% of the time, I never think about this anymore. The only time it seems to come up is when I have had or will have even casual contact with one of my remaining DNA members. I don't want anyone to think you are stuck with this forever. Truly, it is not a part of my life most of the time. Events do trigger, but they go away.

I posted this because I hope that the younger folks who read here get away sooner than I did. I feel like I wasted too much time trying to get unconditional love from family that is not capable of that and that, as the scapegoat, it was even a bigger waste of time. Ugh! I do feel the Scapegoat's only solution is to get away. You will never get what you want, what we ALL want, if you are cast in this role...you won't get that love and respect from your FOO. BUT you CAN get it from a family of choice and you can give them all the the love you have, and you can receive more love than you ever knew existed. You deserve to be treated as a person who is valuable with important accomplishments, even if they are small. You deservedto be believed when you speak and have others know that your good deeds came from your kind soul.

Sharing DNA does not equal love in many dysfunctional families. But we can still love and be loved. Don't be afraid to take a chance on loving other people. This is a sad problem for many people who had dysfunctional parents. Don't let them ruin your ability to get close to deserving others. If you do, they win. They have made you unable to feel intimacy, like them. Don't be afraid, like them. Not all people are like those who made us feel small.

Having said all that, I do love my siblings, with a special regret that my brother and I grew apart. It was largely my fault as I grew to resent his Golden Child status as my mother's abuse got worse in time. That is my loss. My brother is totally a good person who just happened to be labeled the family Golden Child. I doubt he deliberately harmed anyone in his entire life. He is brave and smart and a good person. However, because if my family role, both of my siblings make me feel uncomfortable;....like they don't really want me around, and I don't know if it's true or not, but I don't want to feel that way. And my feelings matter. Yours do too.

You will probably still love your family members, even if you don't see them. As awful as my mother treated me, I do love her, although she is now in spirit. I hope that when I join her, I will understand more about our relationship. I love her, but nobody in this lifetime has hurt me as much as she has.

I hope you see something in the video i posted that soothes you. Don't let anyone invalidate your reality or tell you who you are or what you really experienced at the hands of somebody else. They do not know. They were not there.

Love and light!
Healing from Parental Narcissistic Abuse & PTSD for Adult Children of Narcissistic Mothers & Fathers

 

[Nomad]

SWOT.. this was good!

Never heard this term “flying monkey,” before when referring to an enabling parent. Can you elaborate?

That was my situation and yes, it did bother me about my mom not sticking up for me. on the other hand, I did see that she had the kind of personality narcissists are drawn to...kind, giving, patient and sadly...low self esteem and doormat tendencies
(Especially after he got through with her) Mom and I got in some doozy fights later on about my father. I thought she should leave.

In college, a gazillion years ago, I needed a social science credit. I took sociology. I was reading the text for a test. I came across the chapter about how sometimes young women with abusive and/or narcissistic father’s will marry the same. Omg. I recall exactly where I was at that moment many decades ago. I quietly shut the book. And I said to myself “I swear, for the love of Gxd, that will NOT be my situation.”

And I married a wonderful, kind, giving man. Best move I ever made in my LIFE.

by the way, we were married a few years before I told my hubby the complete truth about my father. All the abuses both emotional and physical. In the middle of the night I just started blurting out everything and couldn’t stop. He jumped out of bed screaming and called him a very bad word. From that day forward , not to his face, but with me and everyone, he called him bybthis word and I don’t believe ever used his name again.

Oddly, I have a LITTLE sorrow (pity?) for my dad. A sad mess.

 

[BusynMember]

I am not real clear on a flying monkey, but I THINK it is a family member who visits you to guilt you into going back to the Lion's Den. Like you are being mean to your parent who is sobbing over you every day (not).

I never had any. My mother DID talk about me to the few others in my FOO, but never sent out any flying monkeys to try to get me back. She didn't want me back. I tried. It was so foolish of me to try! But eventually I did quit trying and was better off.

In retrospect, it was a blessing that she was not around to influence me. Or my kids!!!! Yikes!

I married a rather odd and incompatible man the first time, but after my divorce I had been in counseling and had been attending a Codependent Anonymous group for many years and my second marriage is amazing. I picked a winner and am very happy. He is a wonderful man. Neither were narcicistcs.

Good for both of us for breaking the narcicistic cycle