Hello, I am a newbie!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by snellom00, Nov 9, 2017.

  1. snellom00

    snellom00 New Member

    Hello,

    I just wanted to reach out and I guess to vent on my situation. I have a grown daughter whom just got married two weeks ago, her father and I paid for the complete wedding and a large portion of the honeymoon, my daughter didn't even thank us or the family for being by her side during this "happy" time. She stated to me prior to the wedding that I need help for "anger issues", now I will say I can get "turned up" but not in a way police or anything like that needs to happen. I think she is using this excuse for something else. My issue is she is alright as long as I am spending money to make her life happy, but she does noting for me. She did not buy me a 0.50 card for mothers day or my birthday. But it was ok as long as I spend thousands for her wedding. I feel like I need to cut ties for the mental health of me.....
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You dont have to go that far right now unless you want to. But you have an ungrateful daughter who has the gall to criticize you after you gave her more gifts than most parents eer do. You were beyond generous. And she doesnt value you if she wont even send you a birthday card. That is so selfish.

    Show her thd Bank of Mom is closed for good. If that makes her snap or get mean then she is an adult brat without a heart...and then it would not be urealistic to detach from her and work on yourself and loving yourself and being around loved ones who appreciate your kind heart. Sometimes we give too much to our grown kids for various reasons. It does not guarantee that our kids will value us. If they feel we worship them they can actually lose respect for us and start demeaning us. This should never happen, but sadly...if does. Time to take your power back. Do for yourself now. Your daughter is a married adult and they should pay for their own lives now.

    So sorry this happened. It is more common than you think.
     
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  3. snellom00

    snellom00 New Member

    Thank you so much, I will work on your advise.
     
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    SWOT is right. Your daughter is an old married lady now. It is time for the Bank of Mom and/or Dad to be closed. If she can be adult enough to get married, she can support herself. She probably will have to struggle. That is part of having a marriage in the early days. The struggling can help you forge a stronger bond if you made the right choice of partner and are truly willing to make a marriage. If she is always turning to Mom for help, she is turning the wrong way. She should have turned to her husband.

    Don't jump in and help now that she is married. Remind her that she is now an adult and tell her that you have faith that hse iwll figure it out with her husband. Yes, this will likely frustrate her and make her angry. Not your problem. If she is angry or disrespectful to you on the phone, hang up on her. Don't take her calls for a day or two if she is not able to be respectful.

    I highly suggest you start thinking of her as an adult and not your little girl. I know it is hard, but it is important for both of you. If you have always given her money and/or supported her until now, you will have to make it clear to her that things have changed. She got married and that is a major change in her life. The funds from mom stop. Chances are, she still expects you to fund her life. Make sure that does NOT happen.

    Insist that she treats you with respect at all times. She can be angry, but she must express it in respectful tones and without cursing. Rather the way you would express it to your own mother or grandmother. This is part of establishing adult boundaries and healthy relationships. You might want to check out a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. I know that some members here will hang up at the first curse word or if a child is disrespectful to them over the phone. I believe it is SomewhereOutThere who won't allow one of her children (an adult) to call her for a day or two if she has to hang up on him. He gets so trapped in negativity that he takes it out on her if she does not do this. It literally becomes toxic. Once she started doing this, her relationship with this son became far more positive. Before he would just go on and on about all that was wrong and how she should fix it but all she suggested wouldn't work and how could she be so stupid? As you can imagine, she hated seeing his number pop up on her phone! Then she told him the rules and enforced them when he cursed at her about how those rules were stupid. She was afraid he wouldn't call again, ever. He kept calling, partly to test her on the rules. He also called because she is his mom, and she is a wonderful mom. Today he seems to stay within the boundaries pretty well.

    You have every right to demand better treatment from your daughter. When she gets back from her honeymoon, take her out from coffee. She may not blow up in public. Or have her come to your home if you would rather speak in private. Let her know you love her, but that it hurts you when she cannot even bother to do something for your birthday or mother's day. You do very nice things for her birthday, but maybe now that she is an adult, that should stop. Adults who love each other, remember each other and do nice things for each other. Relationships should be two way streets, not one way take-fests. You would like to think you taught her to think of others, and you are sorry if you did not. Stay calm. NO ONE likes to be told they hurt someone. She won't like this discussion. It probably would be best to not have this be the first time you see her post honeymoon. You would be accused of waiting until she just got back from her honeymoon to blind-side her. So wait a week or so after she gets back and you have seen her. IF she remembers to see you post honeymoon, of course.

    Just my suggestion, of course. Oh, stay calm, don't get angry at the above discussion. Be more hurt and confused no matter what she does or says or accuses. Don't fly off the handle. It will just push her away from you.

    I am sorry that you have to deal with htis.
     
  5. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Welcome to the forum. There is a lot of support and wisdom here.
    Yes. You do need to cut the ties for your health. Most of us here are learning that very thing!
    If you have not already read the Article on Detachment at the top of this forum, that is a great place to start. Print it and post it and re-read it again and again.
    Here is the link: Article on Detachment

    Stay with us here. It is a safe place and we understand and help each other with our posts.
     
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    i have a different view.

    very little in this life is 100 percent equitable or reciprocal. usually one person gives more at a given time.

    you either paid for the wedding for her or for yourself or a combination of the two.

    if you did it for a birthday card you set yourself up for a lot of pain.

    i am not saying she did right. who knows what her motivations are?

    but i agree with the others. you have to try to live for yourself and i believe it would help to limit expectations. you will be the one who is hurt.

    let her handle and own her selfishness. and if she wants to withdraw, let her.

    i know about the anger. i felt agony the way my son treated me. the depth of my pain i covered with anger. people do this. i forgive myself. and my son has too.

    recognize that adult childten have a primary job to do: make their own lives. once they feel secure doing that, they are often able to resume or build closeness with a parent.

    try to focus on building the richest life you can. don't pine for her. let her be. see how life unfolds.

    i am not being sarcastic here. but next year on your birthday take yourself on the best vacation you can think of.

    i would let her be. and stew in her own juices. we cannot control the actions of another person. even our beloved children. especially them.

    anyway. welcome.
     
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    Last edited: Nov 13, 2017 at 5:53 PM
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree with Copa.

    Having said that, I have four kids. Three never ever forget my birthday, in fact we get together for birthdays. My youngest even writes kind letters to me that make me cry on my birthday. And other days. And brags about her parents on FB

    My 40 year old son always forgets. I expect this from
    om his as he is only concerned with himsrlf and what is important to him and consideration for others who love him are not important to him. If this were an eight year old, it makes sense. But most of my sons considerable problems stem from his lack of considerstion and caring toward others. Most adult kids will care enough to be good to you, especially as you get older. Troubled adult children probably wont. They are child like in thought and often very me centric. It hurts them and it can hurt us in the little things they dont do. It is not true though that adult children are usually this selfish.

    But we can get past it. Yes, take yourself on vacation nexy year. Or better....

    Do you have other, considerate, arring loved ones/adult kids? If so, spend more time with them, less with daughter. Spouse too!

    While gifts are given uncondidionally, nice healthy adult children like to let us know they love and apprdciate us and it is not unreasonable to be disappointed if they dont.

    Hugs and find some hsppiness today.
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2017 at 6:06 AM
  8. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I have an question does she dependable when you need her. Like you had an accident or you have medical problems or financial problems my point being is she there for you when you really need her?
    That is how you know if she cares an respects you the rest mean nothing in my opinion.
     
  9. snellom00

    snellom00 New Member

    A dad. I think all the questions you asked me - all would be a NO.