Help, I am losing my mind!

[jgreen03]

It has been awhile since I have been here. difficult child has been living with his bio dad since Dec. He had an altercation with husband and had him arrested and bio dad bailed him out and took care of things. Now speed things up 7 months later difficult child is now back with me. He had an argument with his bio dad about a cell phone and unjustly kicked difficult child out. It appears difficult child has made some changes. He has been clean since Dec. He had a job with a new one lined up, however due to moving back with me couldn't take the other one. He is planning on joining the Army in a couple months. He turns 18 in Sept. He has had a really nice girlfriend for almost a year now. Quite frankley, she is his best decision.
The problem comes in with my husband he is harrassing me about difficult child being back home. I can understand the fear because I am still quit fearful myself. But he just doesn't ease up and it is making me crazy. I also have a real problem with the fact that he does not take any responsibility for his part in difficult child behavior and his influence over him. husband has smoked pot and difficult child has known this for quit some time. difficult child's bio dad was a crack addict many years ago. So hear are the two mean in his life. husband does not think him smoking pot was really a big deal. Last year husband found out difficult child was smoking again and he thought that maybe is he smoked with him and could control the situation and also that they would quit together. Well when the time came to quit difficult child did not. Well much to my dismay neither did husband. Because the night of the altercation difficult child was caught crawling out of our closet looking for husband stash and when confronted he punched husband. This makes me furious. Now all husband does is put the pressure on me to get difficult child out of the house. To me what he has done is just as bad to me and I can forgive him. All this child has ever wanted was to be accepted by the dad's in his life. His bio dad who treats his like garbage thinking its for his own good. Or a step father who is going to hold a grudge for him for the rest of his life and neither one of them think they are wrong in their dealings. I know difficult child has done some horrible things but for once I feel he is trying to make some changes and move forward for his future. Its not like its been a couple weeks its been seven months. I really just need some insight maybe I am in denial. I don't know.
Thanks,
JMS

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Well, I don't think that you are going to change either difficult child's mind about husband, or husband's mind about difficult child. Now, it is entirely possible that husband is just used to being an empty nester, and having difficult child around is an "inconvenience" to him. In which case he just needs to get over it. But again, you can't make either of them any way other than they already are.

In the end, it is up to you. If you think that husband is being truly unfair to difficult child, you need to do some soul searching to decide if husband is worth staying around. difficult child may not have had very good dads in his life. It is up to you to make sure that he knows that he can count on his mom. And by the way, if difficult child is recovering (and GOOD for him!), he does not need to be around someone who smokes pot.

in my humble opinion.

 

[susiestar]

I am wondering how much of this situation can be helped with family therapy, or couples therapy for you and husband. How much of a deal-breaker is pot smoking in your marriage. Having smoked pot in the past is very different than smoking pot now, esp with a young person in the house.

It sounds as if having difficult child in the home will be temporary as he is planning to enlist. But, your husband may have a sub abuse problem and that is lifelong. Addicts can be in recovery, but they are not cured. Are there other substances your husband uses? Remember that alcohol IS a drug.

I encourage you to search your mind and heart, to attend AlAnon, Narc Anon or Families Anonymous. Get some help that way because you are the wife of an addict, the exwife of an addict and the mother of an addict. Somewhere part of you is attracted to this situation, and it is a pattern that is not healthy.

While you can't change any of them, you can change YOU. And you can decide what example you want to set for difficult child.

I really don't know what the best course of action would be, other than attending some meetings adn getting a therapist of your own to explore why each of the men you have chosen to marry has a problem with illegal substances.

I do know that if the police find your husband is using, they CAN sieze your assets - home, cars, etc... So you need to think about the legal ramifications of having a spouse who uses illegal substances - and what price you are willing to pay if/when your spouse is caught.

Your difficult child needs to know you will be there for him no matter what happens, that you love him. I am NOT saying it was wrong to have him arrested for hitting your spouse, not in any way. I am saying he needs to know you will choose him over your spouse if the chips fall. difficult child also needs to know the armed forces are not light on drug users. They do have rehabs, but there can be a high price to pay for using drugs while in the services. It sounds like difficult child is clean, how smart is it to have the temptations of husband's drug use in the same house, and you not openly letting your spouse know that it is not OK?

Sending hugs and support no matter what decisions you make!

 

[Ephchap]

JMS,

Good for your difficult child. Several months of being clean and doing the right thing is awesome. Kudos to him.

I fully agree that if your son is going to continue to live there, your husband has to absolutely positively be drug free, and have your home be drug free.

It does sound like your husband is unwilling to give your son credit for the good choices he's been making and for staying clean for several months. Since you can't change your husband, I would just continue to commend and support your difficult child's good decisions and encourage husband to do the same. Not sure what else you can do if your husband is unwilling to change his tune.

Sending hugs and support,
Deb

 

[galadriel]

Hum, can you talk to the difficult child and explain how proud you are of him, and ask how he feels about husband's behavior? Is difficult child feeling pressured, or just vowing to hang in 'til fall?

Could you swing a sub-let of an apt. for difficult child until then, if he IS bothered by it?

If difficult child wants to stay a couple more months, I guess I would tell husband to back off as this is short term situation, and should difficult child not enlist after all, then he can talk to you again about difficult child leaving.

 

[bran155]

I agree completely with BigBadKitty!!! I too have a step situation, my husband is not my daughter's bio dad. I can along with others here I'm sure, relate to what you are dealing with. I believe as parent's to our children we have the responsibility to make choices with their best interest at heart. It is our duty to protect our kids and provide a safe and nurturing environment for them. I would be reluctant to have a man in my life who smokes pot or any other drug, for that matter, around my children, especially if one of them is recovering. How can you expect your son to stay clean when your husband isnt??? I think that is a bit hypocritical. In my house, within reason of course, my difficult child comes way before her step-father. That's not to say I dont love my husband, he is a great man, but he knows that my daughter is part of the package. As difficult as she is to live with, he will never have the power to put her out!!! If she gets kicked out it will be my foot that does the kicking. However, my husband is not the kind of man who would put me in that position anyway. I am very lucky that way. Our difficult child's have a hard enough time in the world, they don't need to feel second best at home. I'm sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, it's just my opinion.

Congrats to your son for his sobriety!!! Good luck.