Help me, please

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Brysmom, Feb 25, 2020.

  1. Brysmom

    Brysmom New Member

    I have a son who self medicates and has played with drugs for 10 years. hes accomplished, educated and has a great career. hes an addict. Hes been arrested 11 times. hes currently in jail awaiting transfer to an integrated mental health/drug treatment center (RSAT)
    I just need to hear Im a good mom despite the past 10 years. We have an older daughter who is the polar opposite and gets frustrated with her brother for the mess he makes and I find myself trying to explain his behavior.
    I just need to hear from like minded parents
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I don't know if we are like minded, but I am sorry your son has caused you pain. My daughter has caused pain. I have two other grown kids who are not like her and I once thought it was my fault but a few years of therapy and Al Anon and and I now know I was a good mom with a difficult child. We did all we could to help/rescue her, but she just did not appreciate it or learn to do better.

    My two functional kids want nothing to do with the oldest. I feel okay about it. I get it.

    My other two kids are great. If we were such bad parents, how did we raise these other kids?

    My younger daughter has custody of my difficult daughter's son. Oldest lives in a camper, homeless, and we are not sure where her and her dysfunctional husband are.

    My daughter's life choices were not our faults. We did not teach her to do drugs or not work or take from us for the rest of her life. We no longer give.

    My daughter chose her life. In Al Anon we learned that we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. I believe that. You should believe that too. Yes, they blame us for their deeds, but it's just not true. They don't speak the truth.

    If you believe in God, give your son to Him. I find great comfort in God.

    Take care of yourself. You did not cause your son to go off the rails. Hugs
  3. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    Hello Brysmom and welcome,

    My son's issues are slightly different, bur similar enough (except he's not high achieving!). He has mental health issues and self-medicates with dope and alcohol.

    I have two other high-achieving, law-abiding, wonderful children.

    I have turned myself inside out wondering where my husband and I went wrong with our eldest. I have been over every detail of our parenting - were we too harsh, too soft? Did we spoil him? Not give him enough? In the end there are no answers to these questions. We did the very best we could and my son is an adult now (he's 24). He needs to take responsibility for himself. With the help of this group I'm learning to let go of my guilt.

    Keep posting. It's helps!
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I found this site when my son was 15 and going off the rails. He is now 24 and in college full time (better late than never) but put us through hell. Much of my story is in my signature.

    The most important thing I learned is that did not cause it nor could I control it. I found that setting loving but firm boundaries would help us and our son. I learned that normal parenting for a typical son/daughter is enabling when they are either addicted or just making poor choices and not functioning normally. I learned that taking care of myself and my marriage had to continue and I could not throw myself away because m son was trying to destroy himself.

    There is no one size fits all answer but being on this site and journalizing and reading other's stories will help you tremendously. You will see your son and yourself in many of these stories. Take what you need and leave the rest.

    Are you married? How old is your son? Does he live at home? Do you have any support?

    Turning my son over to God and my faith got me through it. I would not have survived.

    You came to the right place!
  5. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    I think that our recovery takes time and effort. I don't necessarily feel we can just "think" we want to be rid of the guilt or "think" we want things to be better for us and our adult children. For me, it's been a long journey with prayer, trust in God, therapy, Al-anon and good books to enlighten and guide me and this support group.

    For most of us the damage is deep but I've learned that first and foremost, I have to be the change in the situation. I have to practice good self-talk. Our minds can keep us in a loop with constant blaming and regrets and guilt. Maybe if you start with being gentle to yourself and kind to yourself in your thoughts you can slowly move in the right direction. When you start to feel the "guilt" write some things down that you used to do for your son when he was younger. I'm betting you'd come up with a good list that will remind you that you did care and were a good Mom. Years of not valuing myself got me into a very negative space and as I said the recovery from that is going to take a long time.

    Pick up a good inspirational book, go for a walk or do something even smaller that will be taking a step in the right direction to value yourself. Over time you can learn to think better and you will feel better.
  6. Welcome and you are a great mom! Our story sounds similar but my daughter is the younger child now 23. My son is 25, lives in another state and struggles with alcoholism. Has a full time job but has not been sober longer than 88 days since August of 2018. Prior to that he had a DUI and was on probation so he had to be sober for a year- but ate that much that he gained a large amount of weight. Like 100lbs. When we went to visit him - not knowing at that time what he looked like and also that he had relapsed as soon as he was done his probation just 4 weeks prior- I could not even look at him because he was that obese. Fast forward to now... he is sober for about 45 days now.
    My daughter is not a fan of her brother. She doesn't reach out to him and resents everything we have done or still try to do for him.
    My daughter is in grad school and has her own medical issues but always works hard.
    They were raised the same but had different experiences in middle and high school which I feel played a huge part in what happened to my son.
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  7. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    You are a good Mom. You did the best you could do to raise him. No amount of guilt in the world on your part changes the fact that your son is sick - addiction is a disease.

    Please know that you did not cause this, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.

    Turn your son over to his Higher Power and get out of God's way, so God can work in his life. There is hope for addicts in recovery and God will lead him where he needs to be.

    Much love and peace to you.