livelovebreathe
New Member
I have a huge problem that just seems to be growing bigger every year. And, I need serious advice.
I'm a single parent (low income).
I work two jobs, and I go to school full time. I am raising my three children by myself and have been for the past 11 years when their father and I split up, and he moved far away. Out of sight, out of mind. No help from him.
Now, I have loved having my children living with me. I've always done all the cleaning in the past, when I was a stay-at-home mom because I loved to do so. But, now I am working two jobs, and I am in school at the University full time, trying to get a higher education so that I can afford to live a healthy, normal life, not pay-check to pay-check and broke all of the time.
The problem is, I also have to still do all the cleaning and the cooking and my kids just don't seem to get it- that I really need their help. I leave at 7am for work, and I don't get home until 11pm at night, sometimes not even until Midnight if they text me and say "Mom, can you go to the grocery store on your way home and get us more milk, or bread... (or whatever)...."
I come home, and I honestly don't even want to be there. But I am too exhausted and tired to complain about it, I just go to my room and go to bed. Everything is a wreck. My kitchen will be full of dishes, messes, wrappers. My living room looks like people just live in there and never clean it. My dining room table is filled with junk, laptops, cups, empty water bottles. Trash bags are full and or piling up. Laundry is strewn all over the garage and floors of bathrooms, towels on the floor, and I have to wait until I have a day off to tackle it all. They know I don’t like it. My bedroom is my retreat from their messes. Everyone always compliments my room, it’s like a sanctuary. Clean, light comes in, incense burns, sounds of wind chimes, rain and waterfalls; ANYTHING to keep me sane living here with them.
I have children these ages:
1) a 17 year old (the messiest in the bunch) who is still in high school and also taking college classes and tries to keep busy with friends and volunteer work, and has had a few jobs -always temporary. When I ask her to clean up, or do chores she says "Why do I always have to do it?" or she does it half-assed or she just up and leaves the house and/or just grabs all her mess and tosses it into a downstairs closet and considers that it's 'cleaned up.' She is very sloppy and very messy.
I've nagged her so much about it; she just ignores me most of the time or gets very angry. In the past, when angered she will wreck things, rip things apart that belong to me. I've gotten worried over the years to see her anger because she is very vindictive. I've had my jewelry ripped apart just because I grounded her from the internet for not cleaning her messes. I've had leather furniture ripped apart with a knife when she was 8 years old, because of her anger issues. It's not been easy. She feels as the youngest child that all her older siblings blamed everything on her and that she’s always been blamed for causing all the messes. In fact, she is honestly the most messy of the bunch, just constantly so inconsiderate, and it’s almost like she just doesn’t care what we all think anymore. Yet, she is the very one who’s always wanting mom to do things for her, take her places, buy her things. She will help if she is in the mood and if I am doing chores, and if she can get some money out of me. I always hear “How much will I get paid for cleaning the living room?” She knows I can’t even afford to pay my bills. It’s a struggle.
2) a 20 year old with Asperger's Syndrome who gets anxiety issues. She's graduated high school, She’s super smart but can't handle being around others. She plays video games 24/7. When I ask her to clean around the house her excuse is "It's not my mess, it's the younger child's mess... why should I have to clean it?"
When I've asked her to do chores she's said "I don't feel like I should have to since I am not the one who makes the messes..." She is the cleanest of the bunch, but doesn't do any chores, doesn’t work, and doesn't help around the house or pay any rent. She says "I can't, I'm broken..." and says she can't work or help around the house, she can't handle getting her hands dirty from touching other’s dirty dishes...she argues logically like a lawyer that she shouldn't have to... and when I ask her to help out because she lives here for free and doesn’t do anything at all, she will get depressed, flop down on the couch and pout. She has a history of cutting herself when upset, and has been in suicide hospitals for depression due to having Asperger's and being bi-polar. Upsetting her has been an issue for me as a mother as well. She would rather not be alive if she has to be everyone’s maid. But yet, she won’t go to college, and she won’t get a job. She stopped going to therapy and counseling, stopped all of her medications and says she thinks they misdiagnosed her bipolar disorder. She acknowledges the Asperger’s/Autism, but not the Bipolar disorder and I’ve been trying to get her to go back to Star, to call them and make appointments to get help but she just acts like she can’t do it on her own, and wants me to do it, but Star program refuses to allow me to make appointments or to talk to me because she is over 18. She won’t wear any other clothes than her favorite outfit, won’t use any other dishes than her favorite dishes, which no one but her can wash and clean as she won’t let anyone touch them. But she sleeps until 4pm, and jumps on her laptop and plays video games until 4am and then goes back to sleep, she rarely leaves the house, because she has anxiety issues around other people. The cutting and suicidal stuff happened when she realized she was different from others and not able to do the things that others she knew could do, like go out and socialize and get jobs. She feels upset because she knows she’s smart but she can’t get past the social problems, and can’t understand or read people correctly.
3) My oldest daughter is the most helpful, however she is rarely home, and she is 23 and spends most nights spending the night at her boyfriend's house with him (even though she still lives with me) or at work. She is doing a job which she works but only gets paid once the entire job is complete as an independent contractor, She owes school loans and has been trying to pay those off, she still needs to save money for a car, and so she is not able to pay rent, because she is not earning enough to pay her debt and or buy a car. She is sometimes sloppy, but she will always offer to help and recently her argument is "Mom, I've always been the one helping all these years, I'm working now, and I'm not home hardly ever, these other kids need to get off their lazy butts and help!" She has a point. But the other day before she ran off to her boyfriends she left a mess in the bathroom and kitchen, which I had to clean up.
4) Lastly, my oldest daughter's ex-boyfriend lives with us, he works part time. He has car repair issues and he never has money to help me with bills.... and he is usually locked up in his room playing video games when he is home. He helps sometimes with taking out trash or such, but he also leaves messes sometimes and constantly takes my one and only garage door opener with him when he leaves and I have to pull my car out, park, go around to apartment, and lock it up and go back to car, which upsets me. As this is my home and I should be able to use my garage door opener when I come and go.
For myself, I am a very easy going person, I do not like to yell, I do not like to ‘manage’ others. I am a personality type: INFP, so I like little conflict and always try to keep the peace.
But most of the time, they’re the ones having all the peace and doing what they please and I am the one feeling resentful, and angry, or walking away so as not to get angry.
I also love my environment to be clean and tidy and like a beautiful sanctuary of relaxation, which can be seen and felt when my home is clean.
However, I have 4 other people I live with all adults (except a 17 year old who is almost 18) and who all enjoy living with me. They eat the food I buy, the use the utilities, they use the tv, internet, everything and they do not pay any rent, and they rarely do any chores at all. Most of the time, all they will do is take out the trash and do the dishes, but usually it takes a whole week of piling up before they even bother, and often then they completely abandon the house on the weekends so I am left to do it all. I feel like I’m a mother, a maid, and a slave, and a cook, and they’re all way too big for me to be struggling like this without any assistance. I live in low-income housing, because I cannot afford to pay rent anywhere else, on my income alone, I can’t even afford this place or these bills. I’ve been taking out loans through school in order to just survive.
The ex-boyfriend of my oldest daughter’s family lives over an 18 hour drive away across two states, he moved here to be with her, and to get a job and help me with rent… because he loved her, but they didn't work out, and he’s still here, struggling with pizza delivery and a car that keeps breaking down. I have no one in my family, who can help him at all, and his family isn't helping or he hasn't asked them. I’m just kind of stuck with another adult to take care of now. He’s supposed to be moving out as soon as his car is fixed. He won’t get a better paying job because he says he’s moving soon anyways. My daughter keeps him around because she doesn't have a car, so she uses him to drive her to work. I think he believes that since he’s her chauffeur he’s earned his keep.
The entire situation upsets me. I don't know what to do. I have good kids otherwise, I just need advice. Help!?!
I'm a single parent (low income).
I work two jobs, and I go to school full time. I am raising my three children by myself and have been for the past 11 years when their father and I split up, and he moved far away. Out of sight, out of mind. No help from him.
Now, I have loved having my children living with me. I've always done all the cleaning in the past, when I was a stay-at-home mom because I loved to do so. But, now I am working two jobs, and I am in school at the University full time, trying to get a higher education so that I can afford to live a healthy, normal life, not pay-check to pay-check and broke all of the time.
The problem is, I also have to still do all the cleaning and the cooking and my kids just don't seem to get it- that I really need their help. I leave at 7am for work, and I don't get home until 11pm at night, sometimes not even until Midnight if they text me and say "Mom, can you go to the grocery store on your way home and get us more milk, or bread... (or whatever)...."
I come home, and I honestly don't even want to be there. But I am too exhausted and tired to complain about it, I just go to my room and go to bed. Everything is a wreck. My kitchen will be full of dishes, messes, wrappers. My living room looks like people just live in there and never clean it. My dining room table is filled with junk, laptops, cups, empty water bottles. Trash bags are full and or piling up. Laundry is strewn all over the garage and floors of bathrooms, towels on the floor, and I have to wait until I have a day off to tackle it all. They know I don’t like it. My bedroom is my retreat from their messes. Everyone always compliments my room, it’s like a sanctuary. Clean, light comes in, incense burns, sounds of wind chimes, rain and waterfalls; ANYTHING to keep me sane living here with them.
I have children these ages:
1) a 17 year old (the messiest in the bunch) who is still in high school and also taking college classes and tries to keep busy with friends and volunteer work, and has had a few jobs -always temporary. When I ask her to clean up, or do chores she says "Why do I always have to do it?" or she does it half-assed or she just up and leaves the house and/or just grabs all her mess and tosses it into a downstairs closet and considers that it's 'cleaned up.' She is very sloppy and very messy.
I've nagged her so much about it; she just ignores me most of the time or gets very angry. In the past, when angered she will wreck things, rip things apart that belong to me. I've gotten worried over the years to see her anger because she is very vindictive. I've had my jewelry ripped apart just because I grounded her from the internet for not cleaning her messes. I've had leather furniture ripped apart with a knife when she was 8 years old, because of her anger issues. It's not been easy. She feels as the youngest child that all her older siblings blamed everything on her and that she’s always been blamed for causing all the messes. In fact, she is honestly the most messy of the bunch, just constantly so inconsiderate, and it’s almost like she just doesn’t care what we all think anymore. Yet, she is the very one who’s always wanting mom to do things for her, take her places, buy her things. She will help if she is in the mood and if I am doing chores, and if she can get some money out of me. I always hear “How much will I get paid for cleaning the living room?” She knows I can’t even afford to pay my bills. It’s a struggle.
2) a 20 year old with Asperger's Syndrome who gets anxiety issues. She's graduated high school, She’s super smart but can't handle being around others. She plays video games 24/7. When I ask her to clean around the house her excuse is "It's not my mess, it's the younger child's mess... why should I have to clean it?"
When I've asked her to do chores she's said "I don't feel like I should have to since I am not the one who makes the messes..." She is the cleanest of the bunch, but doesn't do any chores, doesn’t work, and doesn't help around the house or pay any rent. She says "I can't, I'm broken..." and says she can't work or help around the house, she can't handle getting her hands dirty from touching other’s dirty dishes...she argues logically like a lawyer that she shouldn't have to... and when I ask her to help out because she lives here for free and doesn’t do anything at all, she will get depressed, flop down on the couch and pout. She has a history of cutting herself when upset, and has been in suicide hospitals for depression due to having Asperger's and being bi-polar. Upsetting her has been an issue for me as a mother as well. She would rather not be alive if she has to be everyone’s maid. But yet, she won’t go to college, and she won’t get a job. She stopped going to therapy and counseling, stopped all of her medications and says she thinks they misdiagnosed her bipolar disorder. She acknowledges the Asperger’s/Autism, but not the Bipolar disorder and I’ve been trying to get her to go back to Star, to call them and make appointments to get help but she just acts like she can’t do it on her own, and wants me to do it, but Star program refuses to allow me to make appointments or to talk to me because she is over 18. She won’t wear any other clothes than her favorite outfit, won’t use any other dishes than her favorite dishes, which no one but her can wash and clean as she won’t let anyone touch them. But she sleeps until 4pm, and jumps on her laptop and plays video games until 4am and then goes back to sleep, she rarely leaves the house, because she has anxiety issues around other people. The cutting and suicidal stuff happened when she realized she was different from others and not able to do the things that others she knew could do, like go out and socialize and get jobs. She feels upset because she knows she’s smart but she can’t get past the social problems, and can’t understand or read people correctly.
3) My oldest daughter is the most helpful, however she is rarely home, and she is 23 and spends most nights spending the night at her boyfriend's house with him (even though she still lives with me) or at work. She is doing a job which she works but only gets paid once the entire job is complete as an independent contractor, She owes school loans and has been trying to pay those off, she still needs to save money for a car, and so she is not able to pay rent, because she is not earning enough to pay her debt and or buy a car. She is sometimes sloppy, but she will always offer to help and recently her argument is "Mom, I've always been the one helping all these years, I'm working now, and I'm not home hardly ever, these other kids need to get off their lazy butts and help!" She has a point. But the other day before she ran off to her boyfriends she left a mess in the bathroom and kitchen, which I had to clean up.
4) Lastly, my oldest daughter's ex-boyfriend lives with us, he works part time. He has car repair issues and he never has money to help me with bills.... and he is usually locked up in his room playing video games when he is home. He helps sometimes with taking out trash or such, but he also leaves messes sometimes and constantly takes my one and only garage door opener with him when he leaves and I have to pull my car out, park, go around to apartment, and lock it up and go back to car, which upsets me. As this is my home and I should be able to use my garage door opener when I come and go.
For myself, I am a very easy going person, I do not like to yell, I do not like to ‘manage’ others. I am a personality type: INFP, so I like little conflict and always try to keep the peace.
But most of the time, they’re the ones having all the peace and doing what they please and I am the one feeling resentful, and angry, or walking away so as not to get angry.
I also love my environment to be clean and tidy and like a beautiful sanctuary of relaxation, which can be seen and felt when my home is clean.
However, I have 4 other people I live with all adults (except a 17 year old who is almost 18) and who all enjoy living with me. They eat the food I buy, the use the utilities, they use the tv, internet, everything and they do not pay any rent, and they rarely do any chores at all. Most of the time, all they will do is take out the trash and do the dishes, but usually it takes a whole week of piling up before they even bother, and often then they completely abandon the house on the weekends so I am left to do it all. I feel like I’m a mother, a maid, and a slave, and a cook, and they’re all way too big for me to be struggling like this without any assistance. I live in low-income housing, because I cannot afford to pay rent anywhere else, on my income alone, I can’t even afford this place or these bills. I’ve been taking out loans through school in order to just survive.
The ex-boyfriend of my oldest daughter’s family lives over an 18 hour drive away across two states, he moved here to be with her, and to get a job and help me with rent… because he loved her, but they didn't work out, and he’s still here, struggling with pizza delivery and a car that keeps breaking down. I have no one in my family, who can help him at all, and his family isn't helping or he hasn't asked them. I’m just kind of stuck with another adult to take care of now. He’s supposed to be moving out as soon as his car is fixed. He won’t get a better paying job because he says he’s moving soon anyways. My daughter keeps him around because she doesn't have a car, so she uses him to drive her to work. I think he believes that since he’s her chauffeur he’s earned his keep.
The entire situation upsets me. I don't know what to do. I have good kids otherwise, I just need advice. Help!?!
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