Help with mentally ill adult son

KathaleenM

New Member
Hello I'm new on here I have a mentally ill twenty-eight-year-old sign who is schizophrenic and bipolar and severely depressed he has been in and out of Mental Hospitals I have had him in and out of psychological holds at the hospital even went and got a court order for a psychological hold none of these have helped none of these places have kept him longer than 7 to 10 days.. he is very manipulative and knows how to speak when he needs to she has a little to none control over his emotions or anything in his life for that matter he has four children which he shows no support to if it wasn't for me and my mother is great-grandmother his children would not have any support at all the mothers aren't much better he is currently living with my mother his great-grandmother and great-grandfather my husband refuses to let him live in the home anymore I still have a child at home and we have no control over him he has been a drug addict for the past eight years of his life he currently has been drug-free I believe for 6 months this is the hardest thing for me and my family have ever gone through it's hard getting up every morning I worry about him I worry about my parents they are miserable with him being there no place will keep him we've tried to get him to put in a mental health hospital for long-term care they never keep him my parents are miserable I feel horrible I'm in a loss of what to do I feel like there's no true help out there for the mentally ill and for the parents and grandparents that are trying to deal with it
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
I’m so sorry. I’m in a crisis myself, so am a bit limited this moment. Those two illnesses together plus drugs is …no words.
Very generally speaking:
-I don’t think he should be in your home.
-If you can speak to someone in charge prior to him going to a facility or writing a very accurate letter explaining deep concerns it might help to keep him longer. If you do it prior to his arrival or anyone seeing him..the Hippa laws probably wouldn’t have kicked in yet
- A friend once told me their son got put into a facility , Court ordered, fir a month and it was helpful. A conservative state. Interesting.
-If he is ever violent with you or family members even threatening …call the police.
- Pray. I couldn’t pray recently snd asked others to fo so for me.
-maybe and this is a big maybe, offer him a small incentive if he takes medication prescribed by the doctor. But this is tricky and limited as you would have to to pay the DR prescribing yourself, and double check the scripts were filled and have no way of knowing fir sure if he took them.
- Get an alarm fir your home if you don’t have one. Change the locks if he has keys.
-Go to families anonymous or al anon for support.
-Big tine avoid giving him any money at all. Perhaps pay fir a cell phone number so he can call for medical care or the police if in trouble.
- keep coming here. Others with more experience will be along.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
I am so sorry, it seems like the people with the most severe problems slip thru all the cracks. His great grandparents shouldn't have to deal with the emotional stress.

The only thing I can think of is it possible that he could live in a tiny house or camper on yours or their property? It would give a little degree of separation, but would probably be too close to be a real break.

Does he get disability benefits that might qualify him for a low cost apartment? Or a case manager?

I am so sorry you are going through this. Ksm
 

Deni D

Well-Known Member
Kathaleen, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry to say you are right about the long term inpatient help, it takes so much, as in repeat hospitalizations in bad circumstances that most will never get there to long term inpatient help. And frankly I think it might not be a solution anyway, maybe it would though, because my son has never been in a long term facility.

First of all, your son is in no place to be able to support even himself let alone his children. I don't know what you do about that because my son, thankfully, has no children. But the reality of it is with untreated, or not treated well enough, bipolar and schizophrenia they could be twisted up in how they are ashamed of not stepping up to life but mostly don't have a view to anyone outside of themselves. None of it helps them to function in life. For the children, as my son does not have any, the only thing I can think of right now is to support the mother(s) and the children to find financial and social help within the system. Food stamps, housing assistance, electric, oil supplements ect., big brothers (because they need a strong male role model) and free health care including therapy, not sure what else.

As far as the manipulation goes, some hospitals are somewhat okay and others are a nightmare. Patients do learn what to say to get the h*ll out of there. Because just as you know the hospitals can't even count for something as mild as a band aid towards mental health, he knows this even more.

I can only tell you what my son has done, and frankly my son is in the middle of "the jury is still out" on if it will work for him. My son also went drug free and got connections from the local hospital for mental health assistance from a mental health non profit organization after a couple more hospitalizations. I had had my son removed from my home a year prior to his getting those first connections, but not his first hospitalization, by far. I feel he only was referred to them because he told them he was on his own, living on a friends couch, which he was, kind of. They gave him a social worker who helped him with food stamps and such. And then after a year of him couch surfing they found him a housing assistance apartment for mentally ill people. During this time my son was refusing to admit he had a mental illness, only said he had PTSD from his terrible upbringing, something he believed but I know the mental health organization knew better about because I made sure they had his history. By the way, HIPPA doesn't prevent you from sending them information, only from them giving you information.

At the apartment he then had a couple of more hospitalizations, which included psychotic episodes, 10 days each. After that he decided he does in fact have a mental illness and decided to get treatment. He doesn't want to end up in the hospital again, no matter what. He's now dealing with Intensive Out Patient(IOP) treatment, therapy along with medication trials with switching medications and titrating dosages up, as is usual. Some days he's okay, most days he's not, so far. But he is making progress and doesn't want to end back up in the hospital so he keeps pushing on.

I'm not saying to put your son out on the street, but if there's a way you could put him into a more uncomfortable situation as a living environment, it might be the best for him. My son did not know we paid for his "couch surfing", kind people were involved who at first thought they were rescuing him from a bad environment only to find out the truth of it. It became a situation where no money was worth it to them and they told him he had to find another place to live, dealt with that for a bit on their part, frankly I think because they didn't want to admit defeat. Luckily they never told him how we were involved. At least now it's all on him, as far as keeping the roof over his head goes with him taking care of his mental health through the non-profit. I don't know if my son will ever get to a place of relative mental health but I do know he's really wants to in order to move his life forward and is not feeling that subconscious comfortable feeling as if his life's comforts are up to someone else to provide. Even considering the assistance my son is receiving, he appreciates it, and won't apply for SSI right now, because he feels he "should" be able to work and take care of himself. He knows if that doesn't turn out to be true he will have to but wants to make it on his own now. He does have free medical care, which includes the outpatient treatment, I pay for his out of network therapist and to get him to doctors and such, but he also knows that's not indefinite.

This is just our story, a long one, and a long road to hopefully help you to come up with some ideas for your family.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I am so very, very sorry. I know what you are living.

I am in a similar situation. My son is mentally ill and homeless when I don't house him. He uses marijuana to self-medicate. He is not open to psychiatric medication, to alternative living arrangements, or to living independently in his own apartment. What he wants is to live in a property I own, and call the shots for himself 100 percent and that we not ask anything of him. I don't live with him.

It's very, very hard. My son is getting better in some sense. He keeps the place cleaner. He is not hostile now or aggressive but mainly that is because we don't ask anything of him at all. If we do, it becomes a power struggle and we have learned to back off. Because I have a very hard time when he is homeless in the winter. I am the one who loses in a power struggle. It's taken me years to learn this simple fact.

I could not live with my son. Within 5 minutes I would be hysterical and nuts. It happens every time. I don't see how old people (I am old but not that old) could handle living with your son as you describe him. Of course they're miserable.

My son uses mostly marijuana, what kind of drugs is your son using? We have set a limit that my son cannot use or bring even marijuana onto the property. It took years before he observed this hard and fast rule but every single time, he broke the rule, we threw him out. Where I live marijuana is legal but federally it is not. I do not want drugs on my property and I do not want drugged people on my property. I don't see how anybody who lives normally can live with a drug addict. Mental illness is hard enough. But that's just me.

For a number of years I could prevail on my son to enter treatment programs. Now, no. But I do have control over what I tolerate in a property I own. And I seldom allow my son to come to my home. It's just too triggering for me.

There are dozens of parents here on this forum, and we all do different things to cope. You will have to find a solution that you can live with. No one size fits all. I am very, very sorry you have suffered through this, and continue to. Believe me, if you post it will all of it become more bearable. I have been here almost 7 years. For the first few years I posted many, many times a day. I changed. It took several years, but I did. And then, one day, the people here a long time, saw in my posts that I had become a different person, in relation to my son. Sometimes I try to pull back and not post, but I can't. Not for long.

It's bittersweet, because I saw it was dangerous to show him my great love and need for my son. Sometimes, I believe I have cut off my love a bit in myself. That makes me feel sad. But you will become a stronger person, if you post. All of us here need each other. Welcome.
 
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