HELP!!

bethg5210

New Member
I certainly hope this is a judgment free zone. I have never done anything like this before, but I am at my waist end and seriously feel like I'm going to lose it.
I am a single mother of a 15yo boy. I love my son dearly, but I have no idea what to do.
I work full time. At night when I should be able to sleep, he either sneaks out of the house or sneaks other people in. I woke up at 2 a.m. the other morning and there were 6 teenagers in my house drinking. One of them threw up all over my bathroom and I had to clean it up.
His father is actively in addiction and my son is following in his footsteps. He doesn't care what the drug is he will do it. He does marijuana, LSD, mushrooms and adderall. I had to take him to the e.r. a couple of months ago because he took 900 mg of methylphenidate (an ADHD medicine) and was having seizures. 3 days later he did it again.
He is in "alternative school" and goes from 12-4. Every day when I leave for work he turns my home into the party spot. Him and his friends tear my house up and drink and do drugs. He will not go to school.
I have tried to get him therapy and into rehab but he yells and cusses at the people until the just say we don't have to be treated like this. Or they tell me that I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. Then he gets angry with me for trying to help him and punches holes is the walls and doors in the house.
The police tell me that it is a parenting issue not a police issue because he doesn't actually hit me.
He is on probation and has failed 3 drug tests but they don't do anything about it.
He stays awake for days at a time then just passes out wherever. Right now he is on the couch snoring so loudly that I can barely think.
Does anyone have any ideas or know of anything I can do to get help?
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I am so sorry you are going through this. My son started at that age too and it was almost ten years before he turned it around and I thought he would die before he did. He turned into someone I did not know or want to know or want to be around no matter how much love I had for him.

It's hard when they are minors because there isn't a lot you can do. The "system" works very slowly, that's for sure.

He is clearly out of control and I get exactly how you feel because my son did it and I am married to his dad and he was as clueless as I was as to what to do.

This is not a quick fix, that much I can tell you without any hesitation.

Finding this site is a great start because there is a lot of experience and knowledge here, and NO judgement because most of us have been through it and WORSE.

The thing that comes to thought for me at first is for YOU to go talk to a therapist that specializes in addiction. That is what I did and it helped me. They will help you to establish some firm boundaries for your son and consequences. That is the very first step I think. He isn't going to change (anytime soon) so YOU have to change. This is a very hard and long road and I am so sorry that you find yourself on it.

Also if you pray I would start praying for yourself and your son because that is the main way that I got through it. More will be along to offer their advice.

Stay strong and KNOW you are NOT ALONE.

💗 💗
 

Deni D

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.
Oh boy Beth your situation sounds so rough. Even if you were in the house all day it probably wouldn't be much better. It does sound like you are in over your head here, anyone would be. I think RN has given some very good advice.

Also you mentioned he's in an alternative school and he's on probation. How is he doing in that alternative school? Is he in school or is it an online thing right now? I'm thinking a possible solution would be to try to get him into a residential treatment center. These are places where they live, go to school, and have therapy. It's true, you can't make him do anything, obviously, but he is still a minor so others can. Does he have any kind of what they call wrap around services where the probation is tied in with his alternative school? By this I mean is there a social worker you can call and get a meeting with to discuss residential treatment? I'm just throwing things out here. In a residential treatment center they don't have a choice and yelling and carrying on is something these folks are used to dealing with and turning around.

Another thing you mentioned was the drinking. It's a risk but it might be a good idea to call the police on any illegal activity going on in the house. I would hope the police would not see it as you allowing this behavior especially considering the time of night. But then also your son might see you trying to crack down as more of a challenge. In any event, with any interaction between you and police it's best to do all you can to keep your cool. In situations where someone is being run over by the time they talk to the police it seems like them being upset is the person with the "issues" and the calm person who's just had a lot of fun wrecking havoc is fine.

We are here with you.
 

Nandina

Member
Hi Beth, there is definitely no judgment here! We are all in the same boat to varying degrees and understand better than anyone, the pain of what it’s like to have a child who is out of control.

I’m not sure if you live in the states, but when my son was punching holes in walls and doors, the police in my city told me to report it, not just live with it. By reporting it and other out of control behaviors (jumping out of windows to run away, etc.) he got placed into the juvenile system, which at least establishes a record of their behavior, places them in temporary custody if they become too out of control, and often provides resources to help during this period where you are still responsible for your minor child. The record is strictly a juvenile one—it does not follow them into adulthood. My son spent a few nights at juvie on more than one occasion. Not fun!

I realize every state is different, and some don’t have the same resources, but I would check into the juvenile system and see if they can help you. And whatever you do—DO NOT accept any abusive behavior from him as far as threats, putting his hands on you or destroying property. Call the police.

I’m sure there will be others to respond here as well who have experience in this area. please keep us posted and know that we care very much.
 

Nandina

Member
I must have missed the part where you said he was on probation, so it sounds like the juvenile system is already involved? And it doesn’t sound like they are too responsive. I‘m sorry.

I agree with trying to get him into residential treatment for his drug use. He is combining some pretty powerful medicines and putting himself in great danger.

There are organizations like the National Guard Youth Challenge Program (age 16+) for kids like ours. It’s free, and a five-month sort of boot camp with emphasis on education that my son attended. It put a pause on his disruptive behavior for awhile, although he didn’t take it as seriously as he should have. I saw other young men who made great strides in that program.

In my son’s case, he was also on probation for shoplifting, continued to act up, and his probation officer told him either he enter that program or he will have a criminal record.

Keep searching. We are here to help.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I agree that treatment is a great thing BUT my son didn't take the first five or more seriously!! We spent SO MUCH MONEY and we may has well of flushed it down the toilet. He'd come home, do better for a month and then be right back at it!! I got my hopes up every time.

Finally at the ripe old age of 20 I was SO DONE and we sent him to sober living in Florida. I swear I'm embarrassed to say but in some ways I just didn't care any more what happened to him. I felt if he didn't care why should I. Isn't that awful to admit?? He was ruining our lives and he hurt me so badly and I had tried everything humanly possible to help him. I.just.couldn't.anymore

I had withdrawn from him and his dad dealt with him for a few years. I so needed that break. He continued to get worse in Florida and overdosed and we stood our ground that he could NOT come home and as a last resort we finally put him into a faith based program (Adult & Teen Challenge of Memphis) and he finally GOT IT!! I had almost given up hope of ever having a relationship with him again. Honestly it was my prayers that were answered. I prayed so hard for so long and nothing until there was something!! I wish we had done that sooner BUT sooner may not have worked so.....

Get some help for yourself because you are the one that needs to have a clear head dealing with this.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
He's headed for juvenile detention. I hope he wakes up before it comes to that. It sounds like he doesn't think that will actually happen. When a person uses drugs they lose their ability to reason. I think I would start preparing myself emotionally if I were you because eventually he will be placed in custody. It's heartbreaking when I see this happen to students at school. Teachers and parents want all kids to have a bright future, but we want it more than they do for themselves.
 

bethg5210

New Member
He's headed for juvenile detention. I hope he wakes up before it comes to that. It sounds like he doesn't think that will actually happen. When a person uses drugs they lose their ability to reason. I think I would start preparing myself emotionally if I were you because eventually he will be placed in custody. It's heartbreaking when I see this happen to students at school. Teachers and parents want all kids to have a bright future, but we want it more than they do for themselves.
He's been in detention before. He got only 30 days for busting the window out of a cop car and I had to pay $500 for it! He thinks it cool and gives him "street cred."
 

bethg5210

New Member
I agree that treatment is a great thing BUT my son didn't take the first five or more seriously!! We spent SO MUCH MONEY and we may has well of flushed it down the toilet. He'd come home, do better for a month and then be right back at it!! I got my hopes up every time.

Finally at the ripe old age of 20 I was SO DONE and we sent him to sober living in Florida. I swear I'm embarrassed to say but in some ways I just didn't care any more what happened to him. I felt if he didn't care why should I. Isn't that awful to admit?? He was ruining our lives and he hurt me so badly and I had tried everything humanly possible to help him. I.just.couldn't.anymore

I had withdrawn from him and his dad dealt with him for a few years. I so needed that break. He continued to get worse in Florida and overdosed and we stood our ground that he could NOT come home and as a last resort we finally put him into a faith based program (Adult & Teen Challenge of Memphis) and he finally GOT IT!! I had almost given up hope of ever having a relationship with him again. Honestly it was my prayers that were answered. I prayed so hard for so long and nothing until there was something!! I wish we had done that sooner BUT sooner may not have worked so.....

Get some help for yourself because you are the one that needs to have a clear head dealing with this.
He's been to residential treatment in 2 states. Unfortunately, he is so manipulative that he can really work a program. They pronounce him cured and then he comes home and sometimes it's a month, sometimes it's only a couple days and he's right back at it. I really feel like he's going to end up in prison like his dad. I sometimes wish he would just go ahead and do whatever he's going to do to get there. At least I would have peace and know where he is and that he's safe!
 

bethg5210

New Member
I just want to thank all of you! Until now I felt so completely alone in all of this! I hate that you all are going through it too, but it's comforting to have some support!
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Beth, I don’t have any answers, I just wanted to chime in and say hi and welcome. You are absolutely not alone. We know what it’s like and we’re here for you.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Hi Beth

Treatment only works if they really want it to and he is SO young (like mine was) and they don't think they have a problem. Mine did not which was so shocking to me! I know you want to fast forward and just have it be over. I was the same way. Mine thankfully did not get any felonies which I am so thankful for.

You are definitely not alone. You just have to decide how you want to do thinks. YOU need to take control because right now it sounds like he has control. They are very keen, manipulative and selfish when using drugs.

We're here for you! Please get some support for yourself.
 

BusynMember1

Well-Known Member
Kay was a baby when I first tried to get her help....13. She would not even say a word to a therapist so they told us (several) that they can't help. One tried to get her to talk for a year. She wouldn't play games with him or ever talk to him. She is in her 30s now and never got help. Truly, it is up to them. I wish you love and.prayers and hope your son realizes that he can not do this on his own....and is not as stubborn as Kay.
 
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