Here we go again...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CareTooMuch, Aug 7, 2018.

  1. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    DS finished community service and asked to please come home, that he has learned so much.and is ready to grow. He also had a job ready to start. We agreed that he he would pay weekly rent, go to weekly therapy and do things around the house, mow etc. It has been a fight the entire time, he hasn't followed throughout with much, and after several reminders, got paid, hasn't paid us and went to the beach today without saying anything. His "job" is only about 10 hours a week and instead of looking for something else, is acting like a kid in school on summer break Well I broke today's when right after a grandparent had called a mechanic to our home to look at his car which has been broken down for two months, a friend just pulled up and he left with her. I'm done enabling and letting him walk all over us. He was given a month's trial to be back home and has failed miserably so he must leave for good by Saturday. I'm just sad and defeated.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You cant tell by their words if they will change. Words are cheap.

    Actions matter. Next time block out what he is saying, promising, swearing he will do....and go strictly by what he IS doing. Doing. Not saying.

    If he is going to work each day, listening to societys rules, paying his own bills etc. he is being a responsible adult.

    Most of the adult kids who bring us to this forum talk like gifted salesmen, but dont perform. Start thinking of the performance as what tells you how they think and feel and what thet value and where they are in life. Most responsible adults have no desire to live with parents.

    It is easy to promise to work, pay rent, stop drugs etc. It means nothing. How they are acting says more than tjeir self serving promises.

    Heavens, your son can either pay his own car bills, insurance, repairs and gas or he can walk or rely on friends. I never gave my kids free cars or free use of any. Its not a necessity

    I am sorry that your son let you down. Try to do something nice for yourself tonight and put him out of your mind if you can. Angsting over him wont help you or him.

    Love and light!
     
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  3. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Good luck. I was glad when my 21 year old moved out. We helped him get an apartment. He has to stay employed to pay his rent so it is a good thing. How old is yours?
     
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  4. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    Hi Tired Out, he is 20 and just finished community service to get a court case dismissed. We would be happy to help him get an apartment if he had the work ethic he had before the legal trouble But now he's either playing on the the computer, sleeping, going out or with friends and hardly working at all. We asked very little of him but he's still just taking advantage while we're enabling. I don't think husband is ready to make him leave for good, so we made a compromise. Since he's not paying rent he gets little if no perks. (WiFi, TV, no food in the room...) He also has to be out of the house for the two weeks husband and I are going on vacation. I have no idea what he's going to do but it's non negotiable and husband knows I won't be going on the trip if ds is in the house. We haven't been at this for very long but I am tired of living like this.
     
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh the roller coaster ride you never want to be on!
    I'm so sorry he is not living up to what he said he would.
    It's always so hurtful when we give them another chance and they swear "this time will be different" and then they fall back into their old patterns and behaviors. We want to trust them but they don't give us reasons to do so.
    One thing is for sure, the more comfortable we make it for them in our homes, they will never want to leave. I agree with no TV or food in his room. As for WIFI, the only way I would allow access is if it's for job hunting and I would be standing over his shoulder watching.
    As for you and your husband taking a vacation and not having your son in the house, that make me nervous. Do you have someone watching your house? I would be tempted to set up surveillance camera's but in a way that your son would not see them. You know your son better than anyone so you have to do what you feel is best and that will keep your home safe.
    This is not easy stuff to deal with.
    Stay strong, you are not alone.
    ((HUGS))