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Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Momma, Mar 14, 2019 at 5:59 AM.

  1. Momma

    Momma New Member

    I have a 37 year old son, married with a 4 year old child. Both he and his wife are addicts living on the streets. I’m exhausted. He is also bipolar on SSD. I have tried everything. Starting around 8 or 9 years of age he started getting in trouble and getting kicked out of school. I tried medications, doctors, behavioral hospitals, boot camp, and relocation, everything I could possibly think of. As a single mom I also worked full time. At 12 he got in trouble for holding a knife to another child but he got probation. Probation gave him drug tests which he continued to fail so they sent him to juvenile at 14. He stayed there until 16. When he got out with a GED I tried again. I helped him get on bipolar medication, find a job and got him car. Two months, he was off his medications and using again. His drug buddies stole his car out of my back yard and drove it through my fence. The next two years was hell. I would wake up to find girls in his room and I would come home to druggies sitting around my house. He enlisted with the Navy but they kicked him out. His girlfriend got pregnant, he got married, had a baby and got divorced while using all in one year. Then jail, then rehab, then more jail, then lived with my sister (his second mom) and got an associates in welding but he was still using so he couldn’t hold a job. I hired an Attorney and they helped get him on SSD. Then he met his current wife, which was using meth. They lived with her parents (also using drugs) until her mom died. His wife got pregnant so baby number two was on the way. Came early and showed signs of mental problems. Son, wife and baby went to live with niece. They started using that incense or synthetic pot which is awful by the way. The police came, arrested them both and put the baby and is wife’s daughter in CPS. They spent a year in jail, when they got out I helped them get on their feet, apartment, furniture, and transportation. They got jobs and got the children back. They were doing ok. I would help them out with groceries now and then but they had their footing. Then one day he called me about a cat. I told him not to get the cat because he needed everything he had to just take care of the children. He got the cat. Then he got some roommates, and then he got arrested for probation drug violation. I cut off all communication with them. I can’t take any more. I am tired. I am old. I want to retire. He is calling everyone in the family for help. They call me. I don’t want to do this anymore. My family keeps telling me he is mentally ill. I get that but I cannot help someone that will not follow. He does what he wants but everyone expects me to take the consequences and keep him off their backs. I have daughter that has a degree, a job, and happily married in case you are wondering if this is an environmental issue. I wasn’t a great mother but I wasn’t a bad one either. I really feel guilty but I also know I have spent every moment of time I have and every spare dime I have to help him. I don’t want to give up my retirement. I can’t even spend time with my family because they all sit around talking about my son. He is mentally ill, a drug addict, dirty, smells awful, doesn’t comb his hair. His wife has sores all over her face, has not teeth, smells awful and on and on. CPS will not do anything. My daughter and I have called more than I care to think. I can’t raise another child. I am so embarrass and so depressed and this is the short story.
     
  2. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    Welcome- I see you have been through it. It's tough trying to write all of our experiences with these kids but you have found a place where we all understand. I know firsthand it is so much more difficult when grandchildren are involved. First of all you need to believe that none of this is your fault. Your son is an adult. You cannot control his behavior or help him out of his problems. If you could it would have been fixed a long time ago. You are not responsible for his actions and you need to let people know that when they expect you to "take care of it." When people make those kind of comments to me about my daughter I just say, "She's an adult and is responsible for her own behavior and choices." End of discussion. I have had lots of well meaning friends give suggestions as to how to help my daughter, as if I haven't tried everything. There is no need for you to be embarrassed because you have not done anything wrong. You have done more than most people would or could. Obviously you are not a bad mother or you would not have tried everything you could and spent tons of money to try and help your son. Please take some time to learn about boundaries. You need to return your focus to yourself and your health regardless of the choices your son makes- good or bad. There are times when I have to take a break from contact with my daughter. I no longer feel guilty about it when I do. I have to put myself first, and that's the way it is. I'm glad you're here. There are lots of people with lots of experience and wisdom who have been through very similar situations. Sending you peace.
     
  3. Momma

    Momma New Member

    Thank you for your kind words. I have cut all ties with him but he calls everyone in our family, they call me. I have stopped talking to most of them too. Its just so sad. I resent how he is boxing me in. I am trying to stay strong. I have cut off all funds for going on 18 months. The car I bought him 3 yrs ago was left on the side of the road broken and full of trash, dirty diapers and cat feces. He called my nephew while he was donating plasma. Nephew said he sounded like he was totally out of it.
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Sorry that you have to be here but glad you found us.

    Do you have any support for yourself? Any friends that you can just talk to without judgement? How about a therapist?

    No one, but NO ONE knows what it's like unless they have been through it.

    Firm boundaries are what is needed here. It's sad for all involved but you cannot control him and how he is living his life. I am glad that you stopped giving money.

    We are so happy when they seem to be doing better that we jump in with both feet!! We all have done it.

    Hugs and prayers that you have a peaceful day.
     
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, M

    It sounds like your main problem is the relatives who keep taking your son’s calls, yet don’t want to do anything for your son themselves (perfectly understandable), but want you to relieve them of their guilt by trying to guilt YOU into taking care of whatever your son’s current problem is.

    Not OK.

    The next time someone calls with yet another story, politely but firmly tell them that you will no longer discuss anything related to your son, and you request that they no longer call about him or his situation. If they continue to do this after you have made yourself clear, just tell them you don’t want to talk about your son and you need to get off the phone. Keep doing this.

    Your situation is very familiar to those of us who frequent this forum. You are not alone in feeling trapped by the choices that adult children make and want us to fix for them. There comes a point where we realize it never helps in the long run, no matter how much money, time, and effort we put towards helping them.

    You deserve to retire and enjoy your life.

    Don’t let anyone steal this time from you.
     
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  6. Momma

    Momma New Member

     
  7. Momma

    Momma New Member

     
  8. Momma

    Momma New Member

    No support. Like you say they don't know what its like. Family and friends all want to tell me how to feel and what to do. I use to have therapy but my insurance ran out.
     
  9. Momma

    Momma New Member

    My son is calling saying he only needs help for the next 3 days. Text say "we only have 3 days till we get into an apt". I cant help but feel this is a trap. If I give in we will go back to every month "adult support payments". This is so hard! If is was a couple of hundred and they are good I would be ok with it but once he gets into my pocket its like clock work, every month. I need rent, food, cloths, shoes for a job which they never get....
     
  10. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    They all do this. It never ends.

    Adult support payments is an apt description.

    My hubby’s ex asked him just a few months ago to help her support their 26 year old son who has a full-time job and lives with her!

    Don’t fall for it.

    They can go to shelters for three days.
     
  11. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    You can "help" by googling shelters and try to give him a couple phone numbers he can call. Of course, he can do that, too. But at least it's an offer of help... Not the kind he wants. Ksm
     
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  12. Momma

    Momma New Member

    I haven't answered phone calls or texts. I guess they figured it out last night because my phone has been silent today. I only hear from them when they need something. They hate me until they meet up to a problem. I've taken some time to read this website and I must say how strange it is to hear others say the exact same things I have been saying for 25 years. For once I don't feel like I am the only one going through this. The pain and frustration. The grief of loosing my baby boy and this mean, manipulating 37 year old man that sometimes looks like my son and calls me momma giving me hope that I will get my son back, taking my heart, my time, my possessions and my money. He will cry and tell me he loves me, which breaks my heart, and then scream and rant that I don't support him. Meth, MJ, synthetics, packs of cigarettes daily... on top of that bipolar, high blood pressure, non existent testosterone, sleep apnea. My son and his wife smell so bad I cant stand being around them and the open sores look horrible. I cant stop the train and I cant stop watching. I may have to bury him. I am grateful for the peace I am having today.
     
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    It's wonderful in a weird way to see we're not alone in our situation.

    I think when you accept that you may have to bury them and work back from there it gives us peace.

    I know that I did that at one point with our son. Both of us did. We had to accept it and it's a horrible thing to say, but it does give you some peace also.

    We are not in control of the world and we are not experts at addiction or mental illness. We just do the best we can.

    Self-compassion is important also.
     
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    These family members are tripping on you. This is wrong and mean. And it is inappropriate and it is disrespectful.

    I would tell each one of them one time: Please do not bring up my son, complain about him to me, or tell me what I should or should not be doing. I will make my own decisions which are not open to discussion.

    Every single one of them, if they persist, I would stop seeing and speaking to them. No matter who they are. If there is a question, I would tell the truth. I asked you please to stop. You chose not to.
    So the four year old is homeless with his parents, and CPS won't do anything? Geez.
    Mentally ill people have free will too. They are responsible for the consequences of their acts, too. They are capable of learning, too.

    There are many mentally ill people, by far the majority, that lead productive and meaningful lives. This is really disrespectful to mentally ill people, to presume they cannot live lives of dignity and responsibility. The vast majority can and do.

    That's ridiculous that these family members are expressing that you should rescue him. They could rescue him, too. Let them.

    I am concerned about the child. Less so, the parents. My town is filled with recovering drug addicts, because we are located on a highway where Meth has been trafficked and made since the early 90's. Because the drug ravaged people's faces, it's easy to tell who used to use. These recovering addicts are working in grocery stores and five and dimes, all over my town.

    If these meth users were not mentally ill before they used, they most likely were after they quit. And not all of it goes away. But try and try these people do. I have great respect for them.

    This same choice is available to your son and his wife. The only thing you can do for him is to stay away. The more he hurts you and fouls your nest, the worse it is for him, let alone you. We do not help our kids by letting them destroy us or our stuff or our homes. That's a form of enabling.

    Your son is acting outside of the bounds of normalcy, let alone respectability. You would not have tolerated it when he was 4 years old. There is no need to tolerate it now.

    There is a point where there can be no longer be trying by us, if they are not trying at all for themselves.
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2019 at 9:55 PM
  15. Momma

    Momma New Member

    My daughter and I have contacted CPS so many times now that I can even remember how many. I want him to go to the homeless shelter. The shelter will evaluate and contact CPS. I think CPS take their report seriously and Son will not relocate before CPS shows up. I think this is why he avoids the shelter. Can't walk up in there high. I feel bad that I am so unwilling to take my grandson but I have already been there, done that. I don't want to do it again. My son has been running my life since he was born. Time to end it. I am too old and worn out. I am having stress related problems myself. I have tried hospitals, rehabs, boot camps, medications, jail, relocation, tough love, bought so many cars I cant even count them. I just want some peace for the time I have left. This all may end tragically but its still needs to end.

    I pray for guidance and strength. Thank you all for listening, responding, and supporting. This site has given me a place to go where i am not alone.
     
  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Momma and welcome to CD. So sorry for your need to be here, but you have come to a good place where the kind folks here understand your story and the need to disengage.
    I am blessed that my own family encourages me on that path. There are a few people in my late husbands family who can not comprehend why I would allow my two adult daughters to live in the streets, but the answer is quite simple, it is their choice. Oh, we tried for years to “help” them, but as their lifestyles denegrated to heavier drug use and all of the consequences, it became painfully obvious that we were dragged along with them in a slow motion, chaotic, drama filled train wreck. One of my two wayward daughters has three children, I quite understand the horror of watching grandbabies in the mix of the turmoil of their addicted parents choices. They have seen way more than they should have. I, too know the frustration of reporting to CPS, and feeble attempts, if any, to right the wrongs my grands suffered. That’s what kept us involved in the circus for so many years, our grands.
    Sigh.
    I am sorry for the pain of it.
    My dear hubs passed nearly three years ago and I was left to raise my son and work through the grief of losing my mate and two living addicted daughters. Yes, I have thought more than a few times that I may not see them on this earthly realm.
    I gave them to God, because it is too much for me to bear, with that, many prayerful moments and the help of the loving folks here, I am able to slowly pull myself out of the quicksand.
    These are not little children we are dealing with. They are grown adults, making their own choices. When the consequences of their choices threaten to drown us, it is time to pull way back, strengthen ourselves and forge new pathways to living the best rest of our lives. It makes no sense to lose the blessings of health, peace and joy, because of these situations that we have absolutely no control over. But, we do have control over ourselves and our choices.
    One thing that is so apparent through the testimonies on this site, is that our drug addicted, mentally compromised adult children are experts at manipulating our hearts. They know the right words to say, that touches the core of us, to get what they want. When that doesn’t work, they will go to the next listening ear. In my case, it was my husband, yours, your family. I agree with Copa that boundaries can be set, and if that doesn’t work, less contact or none. We suffer enough to have uneducated loved ones needling us, they have no idea of what we have been through unless they have walked the miles in our shoes.
    Bottom line, you have value, you have worth.
    No matter what you look back upon as parenting mistakes, Lord, I made plenty, that is a part of the F.ear O.bligation G.uilt that a loved ones addiction envelopes us in. I look at addiction as a huge ugly spider that weaves a web to capture all within its grasp, to enable the user to keep using. It is devastating to everyone involved, more so parents, as we twist and turn to try to make sense of it all.
    It makes no sense.
    What does make sense is that we did the best we could as parents to raise our children to be responsible. There was a time when I could not look at photos of the smiling faces of my two when they were young, it was too painful. Now, I am thankful of the blessings of raising them. They grew up and made their own decisions.
    I have no control over that.
    None.
    I am not responsible for their choices, and if I try to lessen the blow of consequences, I am not doing them any favors.
    I confess, I had a backslide to the edge of the rabbit hole over the holidays when my Tornado was in jail, calling me almost daily, quoting Bible verses, admitting to her drug use, saying she wanted rehab, that she missed her kids and family. The hook was, that she wanted to “come home” for supervised release, the rehabs were full and if they let her out, she would go right back to the streets. That sent me into the swirly whirly, my heart and mind juggling the empty promises, what if’s, and the horrible memories of the many times we went down that road.
    I mustered the strength to say no. But, I struggled with depression.
    She lied to the judge, gave our address, and fulfilled her words of ending up on the streets. Missed her probation appointment, is now back in jail on drug charges. I know because I have an automated alert on her. A friend studying for the bar, volunteered to attend her arraignment, closed caption tv from prison, my daughter laughed through the whole proceedings.
    Huh.
    She must have been high.
    I refuse to believe any of it is my doing, because I would not cave to her wishes.
    Been there, done that.
    Now, I have to work really hard at reprogramming myself to not fall victim to her words. I am sure the calls will start. That’s the hard part. The communication. “I need money in my account.” I am learning that drugs can be bought in prison and that is most likely her motive. So, no, not going there. When I don’t comply, I foresee her sending nasty letters, or trying to manipulate me over the phone. So, I have to bolster myself and be ready.
    Sorry, I’m hijacking your post!
    The thing is, Momma, these kids will strip us to the bone, if we let them. There is no ordinary relationship to be had with a using addict.
    We have to be on our guard constantly, work diligently at building ourselves up, whether it be through prayer, working through our woes on these pages, journaling, exercise, hobbies.
    I have come to look at living my own best rest of my life as a breathing testimony, that they can, too.
    I don’t want to languish in despair, and when I do backslide, it is a reminder to me of how far down the tubes I can go, if I am caught off guard.
    You have come to a place where people understand this struggle. We are not experts, just folks who are on similar journeys, walking our own pathways through. Take what advice works for you, leave what doesn’t.
    Please know that you are not alone. You are right to want peace in your life, and to seek ways to find it.
    I, too cannot take my grands. I think we do them justice by knowing this. It is not easy to bear, but it is the truth.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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