High Functioning Autism vs Antisocial Personality Disorder

[Sumsky]

You know Sumsky, I feel that way about my own son. And I feel guilty about it too. And M and I are all he has. Except himself.

In the case of your stepson there are other adults who have for his whole life asserted and inserted themselves to be pivotal and influential figures in his lfe and it seems, in your family.

I would think your husband might have some of the same feelings as you, but be unable to express them.

I would try to let the extended family take up the slack. In a situation such as yours I do not think there are shoulds.​

It does not feel good feeling this way about him and at the same time it is easier. This summer was so nice with my kids, especially my daughter. I didn’t come home to a messy house, my daughter and I have grown closer. My son is 17 and not home as much, but I did get more time with him. And I actually got to enjoy time with them. I don’t feel the constant tension. And I can see a difference in my kids too. I am more relaxed than I’ve been in a long time!!!

 

[Elsi]

Can I offer a bit of a different perspective on this question? I'm not an expert and I can't say what is going on with your stepson, but I was diagnosed with Aspergers in my 20s. (The latest DSM reclassified Aspergers as a variant of High-Functioning Autism, but I still identify with the "Aspie" community.) This is what that felt like from the inside:

• I had a LOT of sensory processing issues. I remember kindergarten as one huge, unbearable ball of noise and confusion. I don't remember other kids as individuals - just a mass of incomprehensible, noise making, fast-moving entities. I did fine with the academic part of school, but I had a really hard time existing in the physical environment. I still have a really hard time with grocery stores, department stores, and other venues with lots of competing stimuli. (Online shopping and grocery delivery have been a godsend for me.) I love music when I'm listening by myself at home, but a rock concert is somewhere around the 5th circle of hell for me.
• Social things that came naturally for other kids, I had to deliberately practice and learn. Nothing social came naturally. I'm also a bit face blind (meaning if I see someone I know out of context, or if they've changed their hair or something else dramatic about their looks, I may not recognize them). I missed a lot of non-verbal cues and had a really hard time understanding jokes (especially sarcasm), knowing when it was my turn to talk, figuring out how to enter or leave a conversation, knowing how close to stand to someone, etc. I didn't (still don't) get concepts like "fashion" and "style" - I tend to choose my clothes based on comfort. I can't really flirt. I tend to take things literally and take people at face value. To get better at understanding people, I actually studied deliberately, in much the same way I studied my school subjects. I read advice columns obsessively (thank you, Dear Abby and Ann Landers) to try to figure out how other people thought and how their motivations work. I read fiction. I watched people and tried to understand.
• I'm attracted to rules and order. I like math, science, and coding. I get anxiety when plans change or things don't follow my predicted routine. I also feel anxiety when other people are not doing what they "should" be doing (like, say, my children...) I'm not a blind rule follower - I have a strong ethical code, and if I think a rule is not ethical I'll push back. I have a strong sense of "should," for myself and others, based on ethics and my observations about what actions produce the best results in the world. It's been hard to learn that not everyone has this same sense of "should" or the same ethical boundaries.

Here's what it does NOT mean:

• It does not mean I don't have empathy. I may not always pick up on things right away, and I may not always understand WHY some things make someone else upset. But when I recognize someone is upset, or if they tell me with their words, I feel a very strong sense of empathy, and a very strong desire to make things better. I've learned how to recognize other people's emotions better with practice, and I think I'm pretty good at it now.
• It does not mean I cannot feel love (or other emotions). I feel things very strongly. I love very strongly. When I get overwhelmed, sometimes my ability to show and express those emotions shuts down. But that doesn't mean they aren't there. Hugging and other physical displays don't come naturally - that sensory thing again - but I tried to always give my children the physical affection and emotional support they needed.
• It does not mean I am manipulative, deceitful, or use people. These, in my opinion, are antisocial traits, not autistic/Aspie traits (which is not to say someone can't have both). In my experience, I didn't really understand lying for a LONG time. I tended to be honest to a fault, even when I should have kept things to myself. (I've learned better.) Like rule breaking, lying from other people (when I recognized it) produced a strong sense of anxiety, because their words did not match the reality I knew. That mismatch produced anxiety, even if the lie had nothing to do with me directly.

I tended to be the one manipulated, rather than manipulating others. I was bullied a lot, teased a lot, taken advantage of a lot. When I got older, my lack of recognition of danger signs from other people, and my strong desire to try to fit into a world I didn't really understand, left me vulnerable to rape and sexual abuse, and later to a highly abusive marriage. Since I wasn't diagnosed earlier in life, and my family was determined not to see anything wrong with me, I didn't really have any supports or anyone trying to help me make sense of everything.

I hope the testing helps you find some answers for your stepson. Whatever is going on, it can't feel good for him, either.

 

[BusynMember]

I think you described autism perfectly from.what I see in my son.

 

[Sumsky]

Elsi, Thank you so much for sharing yourself and perspective!! I can’t imagine the obstacles that you have overcome. And yet you have pushed through and overcome them! It’s amazing to me the amount of time and energy and dedication you have put into your life and family. For things that a lot of us take for granted. That truly shows the love and compassion you have!!!

There are some things that you have talked about that I can see in my SS and there are many others that are more antisocial behaviors.

I pray that we get some answers and can begin to help my SS understand and develop half the caring and dedication that you have shown!!