how do I do this?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Acacia, Aug 9, 2017.

  1. Acacia

    Acacia Member

    I vowed not to allow my 37 year old boderline daughter to move back home with her young children. I found her a temporary living situation with a friend, and even paid for it, but she managed to bully my friend who then could not tolerate having her there. My husband, her stepdad and I have reached our limit. We did pay for a storage facility and gave her $1,000. I have held my ground so far, but now is the really heartbreaking stuff I was fearing. I actually went away for two weeks for respite. While I was gone my husband said she showed up at the door gaunt, hungry, and tearful, saying that the money was used to feed her and the kids and to pay for a room and is now gone. She says her doctor says we are cruel.
    Now that I am back I am so fearful of her showing up again, which I know she will do. If I hold my ground, I will feel awful, but if I give in I may feel even worse. The last time she spoke to me 3 weeks ago, she called me a f'king c, yet we've always tried to help. I just can't take the stress, anger, and verbal abuse, and her lack of accountability about anything that happens. I pray to detach.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She called you a f. C. That says it all. Most of us go our whole lives never hearing such a vile thing from our grown kids. That says a lot about her character. And how she ferls about you, who love her the most.

    $1000 is extremely generous. I doubt she spent it correctly. Borderlines lie, often substance abuse, manipulte cruelly and can destroy the family dynamics. She will destroy your marriage if allowed to.

    For pity sakes, she is 37! Middle age! Dont ever let her back in. Have your husband deal with her, not you.Call the cops if she comes by. She never needs to come by. She is playing mind games with you. Cruel mind games.

    Hopefully your ex mother in law gets custody of granddaughter sooner rather thsn later.

    Your daughter is not a sweet little girl. She is a manipulative, mean-to-you middle age woman who wants free money at 37. Shame on her!

    I assume she is able bodied. If so, she is perfectly capable of working. She doesnt need to sponge off of you.

    Your marriage should come firSt in my opinion. Your husband will be there long after daughter is playing house with her next abusive man. She will never be there for you.

    Tell her or, better yet, text her that if she comes over the cops will be called. Then do it. Borderlines are not stable and you need to be safe. Your daughter is not safe to you. Or anyone.

    Do not forget the past. It indicates yhe future.

    Please dont get into any situation where you engage her, even if she comes to your house. Nothing good will come of it for anyone. Call the cops.

    Have a plan and be peaceful. Chaos is her life, not yours. Hug your husband tight!
     
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    Last edited: Aug 9, 2017
  3. Acacia

    Acacia Member

    Somewhere, you are right. It is why I read this site. I still want to go to the hurt, suffering child that she was instead of the adult who she has become. I have been at this for fifteen years with her, and never to my knowledge has she thought about how deeply she has hurt those who love her and her children.
    I go to this place of magical thinking, that "only if" but I have been doing the only if for so long, and nothing has changed. I have set many hard boundaries, but each time I don't have confidence I can stay strong.
    Thank you for saying it straight.
     
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  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Yes, this is the really heartbreaking part of it. I teared up when I read this -- it explains it all so simply. We want things to be different so badly that our hearts convince our brains to do that magical thinking.

    You've been at it for 15 years. I've been at it for ten. That's a long, long time Acacia. We've done enough.

    She IS playing mind games, and it IS cruel. Don't let her do that to you.

    I like SWOT's idea about having your husband be the one to interact with her, at least until you get your feet under yourself emotionally. I would also disregard what she says when she's gaming, and especially that BS about what HER DOCTOR says about you. What a bunch of crap. The only point of that is trying to inject some imaginary authority into her ridiculous claims.
     
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  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Acacia;

    We are in the heat of it with you. With young AS with CD. Asked him to leave. Get the what ifs and start to bawl and get weak. I then refer to my other what if list to give me strength. What if we do let him back in? What would change? Is he still manipulating and calling the shots? Is he remoursful? Does he want to change? Does he want real help or shelter? He is staying on the street and refusing to go into social housing. He does not want anything more than a warm bed and an easy life to continue what he is doing. This self talk gives me strength. It is. It easy to do what's right when it makes us feel so bad. Hang in there. We are with you.
     
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  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Look up the intake information for homeless mothers and children in your city, or the next closest city. Write it down. Give it to her. Have your husband drive her there if need be. There ARE resources, and she should take advantage of them.

    My kids used to play the "so and so says you're crazy/cruel/etc." card, too. It was BS, but I know how hard it hits.. that's the entire point of it, though. To push your buttons. However, I learned that especially with a borderline, they actually believe it -- they hear what they want to hear. The doctor says, "wow, that must be tough for you" and she hears, "wow, your mom is cruel." But trust me, it is NOT true.

    Next time she asks you for money/help, ask yourself, "did it help last time?" Nope, it just pushes the crisis further down the road, it dodesn't change anything. Ugh it is SO hard, I know.

    Do you have a therapist for yourself? I highly recommend finding one if not, because it helped me a great deal. Maybe look for some NAMI support groups as well.

    Hang in there... this is a tough road.
     
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    Last edited: Aug 10, 2017
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    They sll read from the same script. Ever notice?

    We are the cause of their bad behavior...18 t0 50. Same plot. We caused it. We put a gun to their heads and forced them to have horrible mouths, steal, lie, use drugs, and end up in jail etc. Or we punished them at age ten so now they are drug addicts. They have no control over what they do...that grounding at ten years old forced them to assault somebody and end up in prison at 25. Ridiculous.

    Also, we are bad parents if we dont support them financially until they are 70. In yhis script, a good parent would support an able bodied 35year old adult. We should give them all our retirement or we are selfish and suck as a parent. We are mean. Just read their FB!

    A 21 year old and up does not need a mommy. A mature mother/adult child relationship is not like being a mommy with the band aids. How dare they expect us to be?

    Yes, they were cute, needy little kids. They are not those kids today. Basically they are entitled adults trying to get away without working, like 99% of adults do. We did not sign up for mommyhood for life, ours or theirs. That isnt good fot us or for them.

    I think they all play the same part in the same show called "Poor Little Me." Well, yes, you break societal rules and your life will sick because of YOU.

    Honestly, do they not seem to speak the same words from the same script? And it sint Shakesphere!!
     
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  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I had the hardest time with this. Still, to this day, I sometimes think of when my son was a baby, his big brown eyes and soft little cheek against my breast and his sweet little quirks.

    He's 22 years old. He's a grown man. He drinks and smokes and has sex. He drives and works and can vote.

    I eventually put away EVERY PHOTO I had of him as a child in a box and sealed it shut and, since I've had my same job since before he was born, there were a lot from birth to age 18. It helped me stop thinking of him as a child.

    What your daughter said to you was vile and very nearly unforgivable. If my son used that word to me I'd knock his block off! NO ONE uses the C word to me unless they're quoting Game of Thrones! (It seems to be their go-to obscenity against both men and women.) More important than the word was the intent behind it - to hurt you. To insult you in the worst way she could think of. You can't let that behavior in your house.

    Stay strong. She has had chance after chance and I'm certain she can take care of herself. There is a strong preference for women in shelters and low-income housing. She does not have to be homeless.
     
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  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Acacia, I'm so sorry. Sending you ((HUGS))

    Let's break this down. IF her Dr. said this I can guarantee he was fed false information. You have been nothing but good to her. When was the last time someone gave you $1000. How very generous of you to offer that gift. What's really sad is that when we give our difficult adult kids money they rarely use it to better their situations.
    One thing I know from my own experience with my son is when he talks to other people about me he spins a web of lies. This is part of how our difficult children try and manipulate us. I had to develop a thick skin. Also, I do not care what others think about me. One thing for sure, going through something like this shows who your true friends are. They are the ones who believe YOU and do not stand in judgement.

    Well isn't that special.o_O
    She obviously does not understand the saying "don't bite the hand that feeds you"
    Of course this type of behavior does not surprise me. I found with my son when I really started to detach and tell him no, he too called me some really ugly things. They do this out of desperation and fear. They cannot believe that mom and dad are no longer going take care of them. They are not seeing that they are grown adults and need to be taking care of themselves and their own children.

    I know how much this hurts. I've been right where you are. I can tell you this, detaching from my son was the best thing I could have done for myself and for him. I have also learned that having strong boundaries keep me safe and my sanity intact.


    Stay steady the course, you are doing great!!
     
  10. Acacia

    Acacia Member

    Thanks to everyone for the strength I am getting through these posts, and for helping me see through the FOG of fear, obligation, and guilt. Such great insight, and a couple of the posts even made me laugh, pointing out the insanity of it all and the manipulation - and I don't laugh often enough.
    Yes, when we gave her the money we put it in a folder listing the homeless shelters as well as homes for mothers and children - though none close to us and that might be a problem with court orders for the exes and visitation. And, yes my husband has been the main person to interact with her, and I am very appreciative of that.
     
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  11. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I agree with all the posters. What she said was vile, hurtful and directed at you. Please tap into your ANGER now to give you the strength to counter her negative force. Would you allow her to treat any of your other children that way? I think not. So why are you ALLOWING her to treat you that way? Please protect your heart and your health. She is a storm cloud that only she can fix. Hugs to you.
     
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  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Same for us I agree with all the wonderful advice. I am also taking notes and gaining strength through this thread. You are not alone. Stay strong.
     
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  13. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    First of all hugs to you. Reading your post just really got to me. I've been called the f c word so many times it has just no shock value to me. Ugh saying that out loud to myself is jolting. My daughter is 19. I know I can't make it to 37. I'm exhausted from it all.I hope that you can find some peace, that somehow she will change
     
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  14. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I just wanted to say, there are many who have and are going thru the same thing and we know its hard. Real hard. Hang in there.
     
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  15. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    I empathize. I'm so sorry she said those things- they tend to overlook the fact that they are where they are because of the person they see in the mirror- and instead take all their anger out on us. My son does the same. It's taken me a long time to say to myself that I'm a safe object of his anger- he'd never say the things he says to someone else- only me. Stay strong.
     
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  16. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Son is soon 18. I can't take any more. Nothing helps nothing changes. Lies and deception bad behavior and drugs. No honest contributions. Half assed efforts and no reaults. We are only enabling him by hanging on. I am deluded to think he would do well in the fall returning to school to obtain his high school diploma in an alternative program.
     
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  17. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Acacia, I can't improve upon what has been said so I offer you the warm, supportive group hug. :group-hug:

    Your daughter hates herself and dumps all that hatred squarely on your shoulders. Please cast away her crushing burden. You don't deserve it and it will never help her mature.
     
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  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Acacia, I am so sorry for your heartache and all you have endured through this long, completely crazy making journey.
    Many understanding hugs to you. You are not alone.
    For some reason, mental, emotional, social challenges, biological issues, or drug addiction, these adult kids of ours have grown up with absolutely no fellow feeling for others, especially their parents and including their own children. It is a hard road for parents and grandparents to travel, be it from afar, or smack dab in the middle of it in our own homes.
    That is the definition of cruel to me, that these adult kids would take our dismay and desperation over their choices and consequences and manipulate our hearts to keep us in the center of it all, enabling them to continue as is.
    There is help and resources out there.
    They don't want help.
    They want to keep living destructive lives.
    It doesn't matter to them who they take down with them.
    That is the cold hard reality of it.
    That is the definition of cruel.
    I still go through my ups and downs with this, never did I imagine my two heading down this path. I suppose none of us did when we were raising them up.
    Yet here we all are, trying to get a grip on our own lives, while dealing with the insanity of theirs.
    Huh.
    Life has a way of throwing stuff at us for sure.
    My eldest is still living at a park. Her sister visits her often. I, at this time can't. Okay, won't. I won't bring myself down there amongst the street people and tent city.
    It is too much to bare.
    She recently had a severe leg infection, swelled up to the knee, and again, stubbornly refused medical care.
    Even though her father recently passed from sepsis.
    It is not the first time she has jeopardized her health on top of her meth use, which is bad enough damage to body and mind. Won' t go to the doctors because that "makes her weak in the eyes of her peers".
    She has both decried and extolled her park living "shower in the bathroom, rats everywhere, raids and busts by cops, refused to go to shelters, they "are full, and filthy". Has stopped by the house every once in a while and seems anxious to get back to the park.
    The choices and consequences go beyond reason.
    I struggle with maternal instinct versus just downright survival skills to get past the reality of these choices, to be able to live my life.
    The plain cold hard fact is that every time I have reached out to my two, it is thrown in my face, in various ways.
    Then, I am left reeling from the after effects. Stress is an understatement.
    FOG is such an appropriate acronym.
    No matter what we do, detach or enable, we are still dealing with the reality that our children have grown up and are making terrible choices.
    When I feel myself over thinking, going down the "what if" path, I say a quick prayer.
    I know by now that nothing I do or say will bring change.
    By your post, it seems you are coming to that conclusion. It doesn't make going through this easier, just clearer.
    We are not stone cold unfeeling people. After 15 years (for me, 20), the patterns are engraved deeply in our hearts and memories and it becomes a matter of surviving the hell of it.
    Simple?
    No.
    It is still unfathomable, heart and mind boggling.
    And here we are.
    Comes a point that nothing changes, if nothing changes.
    So we have to change.
    Change our way of reacting, thinking and dealing with our adult children.
    Unfortunately, we are their targets.

    Here we are, trying to figure out how to live the best, rest of our lives, while juggling with the reality that our kids have grown up, and gone down this path of destructive behavior.
    If we rewind the tapes and tried to count all of the times we have literally laid down our lives for these adult children, we couldn't.
    That's cruel.
    The blame, name calling, stealing, conniving and manipulating, that's cruel.
    The years gone by, fully in the game of it, trying everything under the sun to bring about change, that's cruel.
    Comes a time when we have to pull up and out.
    It's not easy, but we are worth it.
    You are worth it Acacia.
    You have meaning and a right to live to your fullest potential.
    I feel that as parents, that is the best example we can afford these wayward adult children of ours.

    No, I will not be a rug to tread upon, no I will not be manipulated and used.

    Grab your life by the reins.

    It is, after all what we wish for our adult children,
    for them to see their full potential, to make clear headed decisions.

    We will not be around forever to "rescue" them.

    Do not buy into "the doctor said you were cruel'
    I cry foul and utter bull:poop:!

    What is cruel is to drag a mother/grandmother through this sludge for 15 years!
    Now that is cruel
    !

    Hang in there sister warrior. You are doing the right thing. After years of use and abuse, you are giving your daughter her wings to figure it out. If she wants true help, she will find it.

    Wishing you strength and comfort, but most of all peace of heart and mind.
    It's been a long hard road, and you deserve it.

    Hugs and more hugs,
    Leafy
     
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  19. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Leafy, what a treasure you are:angel:
     
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  20. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a powerful, poignant and beautiful post Leafy......thank you for your wisdom and your compassion.....Albatross is so right, you are an absolute treasure.
     
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