Hi SW. I went back and read your first post in September ‘17 for a little back story. What resounded with me was how
you feel about having your daughter remain as is. Worn out and exhausted yourself. That’s the big indicator that something has to change. For your sake. It’s for your daughters sake too, because her life is in a rut, and that’s not healthy for anyone.
My daughter was 18 when she first had to leave our home, she was not contributing, not following house rules and had this overall attitude that she could do as she pleased. That included treating me like she hated me. It was awful. It was not easy showing her the door, but having her stay and just existing “as is” was not an option.
Just wondering, for those who have had to go this route, how long did it take you to finally do this. This will undoubtedly be the hardest thing I will ever have to do.
We all have our breaking points where we begin to realize that what we have tried is obviously not working. It is a battle within, too, especially if you see this pattern of unhealthy choices and consequences and you feel your daughter would just flounder on her own.
I suppose you have encouraged your daughter to get help? Me, too, but my two would refuse. They didn’t need help, they said.
I ended up seeing a counselor, even though like you, I resisted,
thinking of a therapist as sort of like a paid friend. Then there are stories of sessions gone wrong, a bad match, etc. What I feel now is that with the right therapist, we can begin to untangle ourselves from the situation
emotionally. They are trained to see the patterns in relationships that are unhealthy, and help us to work through that. That is important. With our own adult children, we are willing to put up with much more than we would from another adult. I believe it leads to them feeling entitled and stuck, and we are afraid of
what may happen, if we make them leave.
Then we are both stuck.
That’s not fair to anyone.
What I learned from years of the revolving door syndrome with my two, is that my home became a place where they would continue as is comfortably, three squares and a roof over their heads. Having them home, didn’t help them grow, they stagnated and had this
expectation that
we had to help them, when they were neither willing or ready to help themselves. I think that’s where we got stuck. Thinking that we were going to “fix” them. There is and was nothing further from the truth. When I let go of the notion that I could actually, really and truly help them, that’s when I said no more. It helped that my young son was sick and tired of all the shenanigans, I was able to see the pattern through
his eyes.
I feel that we get entangled so deep into what’s going on with our adult kids that we are afraid to let go. We are too up close to actually see what is going on. Like an artist painting a mural, every so often, one has to step away, to see the big picture. For me, a psychologist was able to help me step away, and really see what was going on. My son did that too, I could finally see how affected he was, and in turn, how it was affecting me. That having my two in my home was affording them to stay as is, my home was not my sanctuary, and they didn’t get any better.
There is no
one answer, SW.
I will tell you, that finding a solution, starts with
you. It’s because you only have control over yourself. We have absolutely no control over another human being.
That includes our beloveds.
You can’t force your daughter to get help, but
you can take steps to help yourself. Reread your posts. Take a good look at how long you have been trying to find answers for your daughter.
What we wish for our adult children is that they live productive, healthy lives and pay attention to their well being, self care, self love. I will write it again. We are their first mentors. We can change how we view things, how we react. Be the change.
Oftentimes, we are so focused on what is happening with our d cs, we start to neglect ourselves. Try to switch focus to you. Find little things you can do to bring back some peace in your life.
If you are thinking “How can I find peace when my daughter is not well?”
That is a huge clue that you are in need of help. No amount of sacrifice on your part, will change what is for your daughter. This really came to light for me, when my hubs battled illness and passed. Looking back, even though he was very ill, my two continued as is. I thought his passing would be a pivot point.
It wasn’t.
It’s because my two will do what they want as long as they want, despite what my wishes for them are.
Keep posting and find ways to get back to you. We can lose ourselves when our d cs go off the rails. That doesn’t help anyone.
It takes time and little steps to gain strength and be able to look at the big picture. It starts with making changes from within. That can mean taking walks, creating a list of things you would like to do, start with little things and build from there. Find your way back to you. Living your life exhausted and frustrated, is no way to live.
You matter.
Your peace of mind and the sanctity of your home, matters.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
