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Substance Abuse
How to deal with guilt?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 762290" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi. Are you talking about MY daughter? Kidding, but they are similar. My daughter gave her son to her sister and rode off in a dilapidated motorhome to the other side of the country with her abusive husband. Well, I should say that they abuse each other. My daughter is strong and can fight too.</p><p></p><p>The house?? Guess what! We bought one too for our daughter. Then after we had to sell it due to her and hubby, we tried a mobile home. Nope. They were told they had to evacuate the lot due to outdoor fighting. We sold it. But we're not done trying. We paid rent on several apartments when they couldn't handle anything else. Then after many evictions for drugs and fighting, they were homeless. This was ten years later. She was not invited home. We have other kids and THEY have kids and they visit often and and she was violent. She didn't want to come home anyway. </p><p></p><p>By the time ten years had passed, my husband and I were separated, my other kids were angry and I was heading for a nervous breakdown.</p><p></p><p>My daughter uses drugs...how much and what I no longer know. But I joined NarAnon and got into therapy with my husband and we thankfully reconciled and both learned that our daughters behavior was not our fault.</p><p></p><p> Parents give ourselves too much credit. Many things shape all people, including our children. Part of who they are is made up of the personality traits they are born with. In our case, our daughter is adopted and we gave her the good home we gave all our kids. But she did not respond to the love and caring and many advantages the way our other kids did. She had always been loud and hyper and seemingly born unhappy. Tantrums. Not behaving. Saying "You are not my boss!" Nothing we did helped.</p><p></p><p>The teens were a nightmare. Peers become more important than parents to many teens and, boy, could our daughter pick horrible friends and boyfriends. These peers deeply influenced any values she had learned from us. Then there were drugs. And marriage to her lazy, abusive husband was awful for both of them. They brought out the worst in each other. They still do.</p><p></p><p>In NarAnon we say "We did not cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it." These are the three Cs. And they apply to drug use but also meanness and no motivation and anything else. They are adults and choose to disregard all we taught them...we have no control over anyone but ourselves. We can't control another person, not even our own child.</p><p></p><p> We have given our daughter to God. "Let go and let God." Certainly He can take care of her better than we can. Nar Anon and therapy saved our marriage, our other kids and for me...maybe my life.</p><p></p><p>We, like you, see this daughters child, our grandson, because he lives with our other daughter. She has custody now. But we don't see that wayward daughter at all as she is blissfully homeless. "I am so happy to be out of the rat race. I am free!"</p><p></p><p>Whatever.</p><p></p><p>I suggest trying therapy for the two of you to learn that the guilt is unwarranted. If she takes drugs or drinks I recommend AL Anon. I especially think it works well for those who truly believe in God. We love those other people in our NarAnon group. It is a virtual Zoom group. God bless NarAnon and Zoom too!</p><p></p><p>You sound like great people. Why not focus on the good in your lives? Maybe you too can one day give your daughter to God. What we have trouble handling, He handles with ease and love and wisdom.</p><p></p><p>Blessings and post again.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 762290, member: 1550"] Hi. Are you talking about MY daughter? Kidding, but they are similar. My daughter gave her son to her sister and rode off in a dilapidated motorhome to the other side of the country with her abusive husband. Well, I should say that they abuse each other. My daughter is strong and can fight too. The house?? Guess what! We bought one too for our daughter. Then after we had to sell it due to her and hubby, we tried a mobile home. Nope. They were told they had to evacuate the lot due to outdoor fighting. We sold it. But we're not done trying. We paid rent on several apartments when they couldn't handle anything else. Then after many evictions for drugs and fighting, they were homeless. This was ten years later. She was not invited home. We have other kids and THEY have kids and they visit often and and she was violent. She didn't want to come home anyway. By the time ten years had passed, my husband and I were separated, my other kids were angry and I was heading for a nervous breakdown. My daughter uses drugs...how much and what I no longer know. But I joined NarAnon and got into therapy with my husband and we thankfully reconciled and both learned that our daughters behavior was not our fault. Parents give ourselves too much credit. Many things shape all people, including our children. Part of who they are is made up of the personality traits they are born with. In our case, our daughter is adopted and we gave her the good home we gave all our kids. But she did not respond to the love and caring and many advantages the way our other kids did. She had always been loud and hyper and seemingly born unhappy. Tantrums. Not behaving. Saying "You are not my boss!" Nothing we did helped. The teens were a nightmare. Peers become more important than parents to many teens and, boy, could our daughter pick horrible friends and boyfriends. These peers deeply influenced any values she had learned from us. Then there were drugs. And marriage to her lazy, abusive husband was awful for both of them. They brought out the worst in each other. They still do. In NarAnon we say "We did not cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it." These are the three Cs. And they apply to drug use but also meanness and no motivation and anything else. They are adults and choose to disregard all we taught them...we have no control over anyone but ourselves. We can't control another person, not even our own child. We have given our daughter to God. "Let go and let God." Certainly He can take care of her better than we can. Nar Anon and therapy saved our marriage, our other kids and for me...maybe my life. We, like you, see this daughters child, our grandson, because he lives with our other daughter. She has custody now. But we don't see that wayward daughter at all as she is blissfully homeless. "I am so happy to be out of the rat race. I am free!" Whatever. I suggest trying therapy for the two of you to learn that the guilt is unwarranted. If she takes drugs or drinks I recommend AL Anon. I especially think it works well for those who truly believe in God. We love those other people in our NarAnon group. It is a virtual Zoom group. God bless NarAnon and Zoom too! You sound like great people. Why not focus on the good in your lives? Maybe you too can one day give your daughter to God. What we have trouble handling, He handles with ease and love and wisdom. Blessings and post again. [/QUOTE]
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