How to truly go no contact if you sadly must

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by SomewhereOutThere, Nov 29, 2018.

  1. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    There is no way to really feel safe unless you go all the way if the person or people you had to cut off are hurtful to you. I have tried different ways and only one way lets a person heal.

    These suggestions are Jmo.

    Block phone number

    Block Facebook and all other social media from the people who hurt you

    If they have blogs or vlogs etc. block those so you dont feel tempted to read them. I am sure its possible. Fortunately mine dont do this.

    Block the websites they use, if any. Block their Pintarest account. Tweet. Anything. Dont give them a voice about you, at least not to you.

    What others think of me is none of my business.

    If you get a snail mail letter from someone ready to bash/insult you, dont open it and throw it away. I did not read a snail mail Nasty that my brother sent me. I am forever grateful that my husband tore it up for me and threw it in the trash. Now I dont know what he said and am glad. I did not need to know. Again I repeat....

    What other people think of us is none of our business. Its their biased, angry opinion, not fact.

    Thats about it. No contact. I hurt myself over and over again by not doing this earlier, like in my 40s or 30s. Cutting off anyone related by DNA to my mother, including my mother. Trying to be loving and fix it will NOT work with people who have decided you are a bad person. Not even if you are feeling so inferior that you take all the blame, like I did with my mother. I would have done anything to be loved by her and my sick family, but I was the designated patient and love and acceptance was never going to happen. Dont demean yourself like I did. I am better off that they never accepted me.

    I am grateful I can vent here. The forums about "narcicistic" people and dysfunctional families, which the poster is always a victim of, all strike me as dysfunctional people diagnosing and whining about lovers or family they dont like and to me half of the.posters sound worse than the stories they write about.


    This is in my opinion a more stable place to vent. Sometimes very few people even read my vents and that is okay. I feel very safe here though.

    Thank you.
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2018
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    by the way do consider no contact if somebody hurts you all the time or demeans you.

    NOBODY should listen to this. If you want to tell your story hete, I will listen, even if you nevet posted before, but I am fine with no responsed!!

    Just be good to yoursrlf. You are a good person who is loved and cherished. Not one person, even family, has a right to make you listen to constant false criticism! Dont let anyone hurt you. Even a parent.
     
  3. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    Do I ever relate to this. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family- lots of money, but lots of emotional abuse and some physical too. When I was in my early 40s I finally called everybody out. I had always been the one who fought back against the horrible treatment, so of course, my brother ostracized me too. He didn't want to be the one standing alone. I went through therapy (again) and really came to objectively view my situation. I also found out it's very common for the healthiest family member to be the one considered the black sheep because we upset the delusion everyone else is living in. After a few years of no contact with my parents they called and asked if I would attend family therapy with them, which I did. Interestingly enough, they QUIT because it was distressing to them. By that point I wasn't shocked or upset because I realized their serious limitations, so I just carried on with my life and continued the no contact. About a year later I found out my mom had lung cancer. I thought for a long time about the situation. I felt like I was healthy enough and strong enough to be around them and I didn't want to one day regret not attempting to connect with them after they passed. So I went and stayed in a hotel room with my dad while my mom was in the hospital away from their home town. They were more respectful of me (my brother was not more respectful of me) but I was in a healthier place and didn't really care what they thought or said. I have an on-going relationship with them. It's fine. It will never be the close, supportive family I want or need, but it's OK. They are much more considerate of me and I am much more thick skinned because I realized I'm the healthy, lucky one and they are all in not great places. When I look at it that way it's easy to be compassionate and overlook things.
     
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Thats really cool. Im glad it worked for you. No matter what I said it was always my fault so I just learned how to pull away emotionslly and lean on my family of choice.

    I have heard/read many times that the healthiest person tends to be the one who sees the real picture and doesnt like it. Although all three of us have issues, I think I live the healthiest life and am the only one in a long term loving relationship with a nice husband. Well, my brother has strong morals but he has intimacy issues....obvious ones. And my sister can not bond with a healthy man or disconnect from an unhealthy, abusive one...she will probably be with her abuser in some way until one of them passes on.

    I am glad that you can have a relationship with your family of origin :)

    I am better off this way;
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2018
  5. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I completely understand being better off without contact. When I was younger it was the only way I got perspective and realized there was nothing wrong with me. I always believed their criticism and anger towards me were justified because there was something wrong with me. Ha! More like something wrong with them, a bunch of unhappy people. Once I got that perspective my life changed for the better in so many ways. Even my career took off. It was weird. Just loving myself and having that confidence in myself made such a difference. I'm glad I have a relationship with them, but it's certainly not the loving family relationship I would like. They are very good to my daughter and granddaughter, so I try to remember that when they are driving me nuts. Also, my mother's cancer has been gone, but her eyesight is failing and my dad has dementia. My dad used to be a mean, demanding person. Since the dementia he is easygoing and kindly. It's bizarre. But I think their age related issues have also made it easier for me to have compassion for them and feel differently.

    I know it sucks. Even when you know it's best to be away from your family, you still want a family. No matter how old you are you want to have supportive, loving, caring parents. I have tried to use the negative experiences with my family as an impetus to be more compassionate with others, as we never know what they are going through. Also, my dogs have really helped me heal over the years. The trust and love I have with them is what I always wanted from my family. Might sound crazy to some, but it works for me. Sending peace and love to you.
     
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Again I am glad it worked for you.

    My mother never met my two youngest kids, and eventually stopped even sending birthday cards to my oldest kids. You can pick on me, but not my kids. My kids had never done anything to her, but she rejected them. If she had been kind to my kids that would have been enough.

    My mother did not want me around when she was sick or not so I didnt see her. At all. Even when she was terminally ill she did not want me. I did call her, but she had brain cancer and was not herself. Her kiss off to me was to leave me $1 in her will. I wasnt surprised but if i had known my siblings had been rejected that way I would have comforted them. They did nothing, said nothing, didnt even ask me if I wanted a memory. Never said they were sad for me because they werent. I could never have been that way to them. It would have made me feel sad for them. But...see....in this family, i didnt matter.

    I decided after a contentious birthday party for my father to never talk to them after my father passed on. He lived a long life. When he passed I was 64 and my sister had the gall to say "Now its just the three of us. We have to get along now." Seriously? NOW she wants me????

    After thirty years of her cutting me out of her life constantly for mostly idiotic reasons, and calling the police on me every time I wrote her an email that rubbed her the wrong way she wanted me to be in her life because our parents were gone?? After never once telling my mother to be nicer to me?? Again I would have done that for her. No, it wasnt her obligation, but she could have chosen to be kinder to me. She chose not to.

    How could I feel close to her or warm towards her?

    It was with relief thay she finally said something to me that was so hideously insulting and outrageous that I texted her "I am done."

    I have not seen or spoken to her since. I never will. There is nothing to say to each other. She will never realize how much she hurt me throughout my lifetime and didnt care that there were things she could have done to help me feel better. She showed me no compassion. She had no interest in being a kind, compassionate sister and that was her decision. And her option. I dont think she had to do anything, but it didnt endear her to me. We mostly lived our seperate lives, mine much better and more stable than hers. The love I get from my husband and kids and grand and pets is more love than anyone needs.

    But I am 65 now and hope for wonderful golden years with people who really love me whom I can love back. My Dad lived until 93 and wanted us to all get alonsg so I did so....as much as I could....until he passed. He is no longer on this earth and I no longer need these two people in my life.

    Thanks for your story :) i am glad you were able to have a relationship with your family.
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2018
  7. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I don't think people realize how difficult it is to cut yourself off from your family. I will likely have no contact with my brother after my parents pass. Now I just try to deal with him like it's a business transaction when we are around each other at family functions. Our business is family, so that's what I stick to. We are in agreement about dealing with our parents as their health declines, so there won't be any contention there. As far as the money goes- I don't care. If I get nothing that's OK and I will not waste my time or energy or destroy my peace of mind fighting for anything. I've worked too damn hard getting to the content place I am now to let anything destroy it. I guarantee you if I get $1 I will take that damn dollar and get something out of it. People want to be horrible, I will make it a positive thing. I'll buy myself a Diet Coke and enjoy the hell out of what I got with that dollar. ;)
     
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Oh I didnt care about the money. It was the complete rejection and snub by all of them that hurt but I did get over it. I can write about it now with no pain.

    We have no close extended family. I dont have aunts, cousins etc. that I knew. My Dad had a big family but my Mom who wore the pants made sure we never saw them and my dad was a wuss and went along with it. And I wasnt crazy about her husband so I had more fun without him.

    There are no "family" get togethers and my parents both named my brother to handle their illnesses and money so it was easy. This may sound weird, and it is, but my sisters kids dont know me or my kids and vice versa so there is nothing connecting us and making it hard. My sister was forever creating fights so our kids never saw each other. We usually spent holidays with my real sister of the heart and BFF's family, hub and kids. When she passed of cancer at age 50, it was like losing my grandmother again.

    DNAwise, I am in the clear. Where other families are intertwined in many ways, mine never was. When I was a child there was my uber quiet grandpa (never spoke), my grandmother...my angel who told me she loved everyone else too but that I was special to her....my parents, an uncle who still gives me the creeps although he is deceased, and my brother and sister. All are gone except for my brother and sister.

    My grandmother and I were truly BFFs until she died. I had her until age 37. We spoke almost every day and watched soap operas on the phone together across the generations and she even told me all the times her daughter fought with her (my mother). She had been worth all the rest of them and nobody could make her ever turn on me. And her son tried but he couldnt affect her, which was significant because she normally worshipped her son. But not regarding me. He had no influence

    Thats it though. Aftet my dad passed, my brother made all the arrangements and did the will. Nobody fought over either will. I knew I could have delayed my moms will and contested it if I wanted to, just to be mean. But I had no interest in figjting just to cause trouble. I stayed silent.

    However I never forgot that my siblings never even bothered to call to see if I was doing okay with the massive rejection, even though we all expected this outcome. It still stung and it would have been kind to get a sisterly hug. But that required a loving sister.

    My biological brother and sister cared more about strangers than me. So now they can be strangers. I have blocked everything so I cant be tempted to check on them and they are not in my life, not even virtually. My brother obviously doesnt care. But for all my sister cut me off and abused me, I think it bothers her.

    In a normal family no contact would be hard but not in this one. As for wanting a family, I have a great family, a loving family! Hub of 23 years, four children, grands, my sister in law, her husband my niece, my sweet dogs....that is enough. I never feel lonely. Soon youngest is marrying and her fiance is already our son. We see tons of both of them. In fact two of my kids live very close and we see them all the time.

    Have a good day!
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2018
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    This sentence was powerful/meaningful for me:
    “ I also found out it's very common for the healthiest family member to be the one considered the black sheep because we upset the delusion everyone else is living in.”

    I know that this is more or less going on right now with my in law family.

    But, re no contact. My father was physically and emotionally abusuve.He was a narcissist. I see a lot of narcissism around me. Fairly sure FB is their hub (bad joke, sorry).
    When my mom died at age 49 I was angry and crushed at the same time.

    For one thing, she had lung cancer and he would smoke like a chimney while she slept in the bed next to him in their king sized bed. He had an astray on his night stand filled with cigs. every morning and her nightgown would reek of smoke. She had stopped smoking herself five years prior.

    Anyway, he was a horror.

    After she died, I could barely speak to him. I would fantasize that some day he might apologize to me. What was I thinking?

    In my youth he would beat me so badly that it would not be appropriate to type it out here. Sick stuff. I didn’t tell folks any details until I was thirty. I told my husband and he literally screamed for five minutes.

    I, by and large went no contact. I did not call him etc.

    When he got to be in his early seventies he had a TIA. So, I realized one day he could become incompacitated due to poor health.

    After that, I started calling him once a year around Christmas time to see if he needed anything.

    I don’t regret going “no contact.” Since I’m an only “child,” I felt a tiny obligation to help a little should he become incompacitated as an elderly man.

    We have to protect ourselves. Look at the lessons from having a Difficult Child.
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2018
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You did what you had to do.

    I am sorry. So incredibly sorry.

    I was not hit. In a way I wish I had been more than just verbally and emotionally assaulted. I would have recognized physical abuse as abuse. And left.

    I did not know what I had was abuse. And this reminds me many had it worse than I did.

    Your father got more from you than he deserved.
     
  11. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    My kids want this from their father so badly. More than anything. And i really don’t think it will ever happen. It hurts my heart to see how badly they want it. He was also physically abusive, to all of us. I’ve told all of mine they can make their own decisions about how much and what kind of contact to have, or if they want contact at all. I support whatever they decide. E and C have gone completely non-contact and I think it will be permanent. He wasn’t invited to the wedding.

    In my opinion, children don’t owe abusive parents anything, even in their old age. I think it’s very generous that you manintain once a year contact and check in to see if he needs anything. I don’t wish my ex ill, but he has done nothing to take care of his health or finances, has never admitted wrong doing or apologized in any way, and put zero effort into repairing or maintaining relationships with his kids. Sometimes you reap what you sow.
     
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I dont think anyone abusive to you is owed anything either.

    Love and light folks :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2018
  13. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Your sister and R’s sister sound so much alike. The push/pull of abuser/hero. Wanting to play the hero when you’re down so she can be superior and get you in her debt, but needing to pull you down when you’re doing well because she’s can’t stand not to be in the superior role.
     
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Heh. I deleted that part but its true. In her case I think her abusive boyfriend inspired her. He was a monster really but if somebody got sick he would play the hero. He needed to hide the monster and be admired. His neighbors thought he was the best.

    I believe my sister very much wanted to also be admired. She wanted to be the prettiest and the most admirable. I believe that her anorexia is because she thinks skinny makes her more beautiful. From way back she wanted admiration. Most popular. Favorite child (never happened with either parent). Best house. The house story is a legend but I dont want to tell the whole thiing. Lets just say her hub had no choice and his father paid for a lot of it or it couldnt have been built. Money, material stuff means tons to her.

    She also wanted to SOUND important.

    Example: She is a teacher aid in a special needs classroom. She calls herself something like a paraprofessional. Kind of like a janitor calling himself a Mechanical Engineer. Both admirable jobs but you dont need a high educational level for either one. Fancy titles. To enhance an average level job.

    I looked up to and admired my sister very much early on. I truly thought she was the stable one ofothe three of us. i had no idea she had more problems than me. And she didnt work on her stuff.

    Never in a million years would I have dated an abuser for ten years! That alone says it all. There is so much more but that sums it up. She thinks little of herself. Nothing good comes from self hate. And dating someone for that long who mistreats you very badly is self hate. I dont believe she will ever leave him.

    Anyhow love and light!
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2018