husband's done

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Teriobe, Apr 18, 2017.

  1. Teriobe

    Teriobe Member

    My son, who is prison 2nd time, his birthday is coming, which i will acknowledge, but my husband wont sign his card. Last time my son was in, hubby never went to see him, i did. But he did allow him to return home after first time. My son mostly steels his stuff, tools, money. My son did good for 8 months, then drugs again. I understand my husband, but.........
    I think my son really damaged relationship, there wasnt much of it before. I guess i will let be, its between them. But my future family vacations or holiday get togethers dont look too good.
     
  2. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Your son must face the consequences of what he has done. You and your husband are a team and will be together for the rest of your lives (hopefully)....so let Dad and son sort it out. You can always see son on your own for birthday dinners etc. my thoughts and sorry you are caught in this position. Just remember it was your son who created this and you cant fix him or the relationship he has with his dad. Only he can do that. Hugs
     
  3. Teriobe

    Teriobe Member

    Neither one of them willl budge. Son i think feels rejected by father for years and doesnt want to keep feeling that, husband too damn mad, bitter, and holds grudges big time. My families broken
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If your son straightens out your husband will soften. Right now he is back in prison and Dad is not happy with his behavior. I dont remember why or if it was stealing for from Dad, but you cant blame him for how he feels. Your son is going to have to change...he wronged Dad, not the other way around.

    A broken family is no fun. I grew up in one. Im sorry.
     
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Teriobe:

    It's not yours to fix. It really isn't. Just because we are mothers we think we can fix everything and everyone. We cannot. We are not chocolate :rolleyes:

    When my son was going through his "thing" his older brothers moved home after college to save a little money. We were so happy to have the family together again and we though they'd be great role models for him. What did he do? He stole from them, he smashed his brothers car, etc. etc. It was awful. He took away that special family time that we could have had and we'll never get back. They are on their own now. I was so angry. I am so angry.

    When he moved to Florida I asked his brothers to text him and keep in touch so he wouldn't feel so alone. They did. But in reality I probably made a mistake. He thought everything was okay. It wasn't okay. I'm going to tell him this when I see him also. He has never humbled himself.
     
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That is the key to recovery. AA/NA calls it surrender. They have to get to the point that they realize that their way is not working and are willing to do what others tell them they need to do to get sober.

    My daughter fought that for years. She was always scheming to get around the rules and do things her way. It wasn't until she finally said I will do whatever the program says I need to do to get better, that she finally started living a sober lifestyle.

    One therapist I talked to who was a recovering addict herself said that she finally got sober when she got to the point when they told her to jump and she asked how high.

    ~Kathy
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I hope he does it this time but he's still 21 and very immature!!
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Many finally quit in their late 20s or 30s. It is no longer cool at that age to live a dependent, drugged life wothout work and I think many get tired of it. Not as much the earlier ages. They still have plenty of company. Lots of early 20s fail to launch, drug and live at home.

    In the latter 20s their peers are working, married, raising children, conforming. There is nothing cool about being on drugs, unemployed and with Mom in the basement at this age.

    Millenials are late bloomers, but most do bloom. They can continue to hang with immature 21 year olds at 26 or get it together. Many do suddenly no longer want to be non productive.

    Never forget LoveMySons hero Marine son. Never. He suddenly decided to be a man and God helped him. Remember, he could be your son next. (I mean no disrespect to those who dont believe. This is strictly my own thinking and different cornerstones can launch a wayward adult child). The point is, many still bumble in the upper teens and early 20s, then get it.

    Kath, how old is your own hero daughter?
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2017
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She is 31. She will turn 32 at the end of May. I do think that one factor was seeing her peers have successful families and careers. I think she was embarrassed that she didn't have those things and realized that it wouldn't happen as long as she was using.

    One of the most notable changes after she got sober was that she stopped expecting/asking us to provide things for her. She is proud of being able to take care of herself.
     
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  10. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Speaking from the father point of view, I understand your husbands point of view. As fathers, we are NOT the nurturers, we are the ones who prepare them then say get out. Your son probably does feel rejected by your husband. I'd almost guarantee that my son feels the same about me. The truth of the matter is that couldn't be further from the truth. I love my son. It breaks my heart daily though that I can't trust him. It hurts my soul in ways a mother can't understand anymore than a father can fathom a mothers need to nurture that he took all that I taught him and basically took a dump on it.

    He wants me to be proud of him, he's said so before. My response was "Then do something worthy of pride". I WILL NOT lie to him and say that I'm proud of him right now. I never have believed in the whole "everyone gets a trophy so no one's feelings get hurt" crap. It goes against who I am. My son won't conform or do anything that I might actually feel pride about because it goes against who he is. Eventually they will either figure it out and conform or not. If they figure it out, then we can start to rebuild. Until then, neither of us CAN bend. It goes against our nature and to do that would be to admit that we've been wrong all these years and the only thing that will make our difficult son's FINALLY admit that they were actually the one who was wrong is for them to finally learn it, to get it.

    Your family isn't broken but it is damaged, changed. In order for it to heal, to change for the better will take time. Change is neither easy nor fast so be patient and do what you need to do. If our son comes back to our area and wants to spend time with his mother but not me, it will hurt but I have to respect that and allow that. Give your husband the chance to make that decision, that declaration to you, himself.
     
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  11. Teriobe

    Teriobe Member

    Thank you