I’m struggling

Helpless29

Well-Known Member
Just need to let some feelings out ,posting is my therapy. I’m having such a hard time dealing with this & now that my sons phone is broke it’s even harder. There’s absolutely no contact which kills me. I took a workout class today but the whole time, my mind was thinking about my son. I feel like at any moment I can just break down & cry & I have many times alone in the shower. I want to tell my husband I’m not ok , but I don’t know why I can’t . It makes me mad that he doesn't even ask , maybe he’s tired of this cycle every few months , I don’t know . I feel like nothing makes me feel better , of course I smile & laugh at home with my 2 younger kids but inside I’m dying . I just needed to let this out , I feel so alone but I know I have everyone here .
 

Newksm

Member
I had a therapist tell me to "fake it until I make it". I understand the reasoning behind it. And I don't think she meant I should convince myself that things were great when they were awful. I took it as to act and react appropriately when I needed to. Even though I wasn't feeling it.

But there will always be times when it's difficult... Maybe you should just tell your husband you are trying to be strong for him and your children, but you are struggling. He can't make it better, but maybe you can feel more supported.
 
Helpless,

I feel for you and the struggles you are going through. There is one thing that would help you tremendously, let you vent your feelings - attend a nar-non family meeting. You can do it on Zoom, remain anonymous and just listen - you don't have to share. It helps so much!! Nar-Anon Family Groups
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I want to tell my husband I’m not ok , but I don’t know why I can’t .
I think most of us would feel broken inside if we felt we couldn't tell our closest people. In time, I believe you will be able to talk to him and he will be able to hear you. He has before. He has been a great support, as I recall. In any event, try not to be resentful of him, to scapegoat him. Why? It used to be when I was hurting the most and felt most vulnerable, I would distance myself from the very person who was my greatest support. Like a wounded animal

I wonder if your husband feels torn. He may feel if he mentions the elephant in the room it will be harder for him and for you. Kind of like out of sight, out of mind.

Or he may feel he is protecting you. He knows how your son has hurt you and he just can't bear that you be hurt more.

Or I wonder if your husband is signaling to you that HE can't bear more.

I agree with the others that Nar Anon would help YOU. You would get it out. And get support. All the toxic pain, as time goes by, will seep out of you, and not into the rest of the family.

YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO SUFFER.

Your son, as usual, is showing little or no regard for you or anybody else. Oh. I get it. I do. But can you find a little bit of anger towards him? He deserves it. And I swear you will feel better. Right now you are turning the anger against yourself. I know this is so.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I wonder if your son gets a natural high from risky, dangerous behavior. There are people who like to live dangerously, although most of them would be into skydiving or motorcycles rather than other dangerous activities. It almost seems like he’s happier living like this.

Did he ever mention that he had trouble fitting in with kids his age, or that he found it difficult to make friends? Some people find that their friends in these circles or dangerous people are more accepting of them.

It’s hard to understand because the majority of people wouldn’t want to get involved in that lifestyle.

Do you have a support system of close friends or other family outside your house?
 
Something to think about...take this quiz below. I found myself answering yes to every question and started Nar-Non.

Sometimes talking to my husband led to arguments- we were fatigued. Sometimes I just ask for a hug or we plan something special in the future for ourselves.

Sometimes confiding in a friend led me to feel too vulnerable. One rule of nar-non is confidentiality and no gossiping.

Sometimes confiding in a close loved one burdens the person that I am confiding in. I don't know if the person that I was confiding in had the capacity to handle what I was telling them.

Nar-non has helped me tremendously and I hope it can help you too. Some couples even go together and I can tell it helped my husband and he is a tough one to crack.

You are not alone ❤️

20 Questions - Is Nar-Anon For Me?
These 20 questions allow us to evaluate ourselves to see if Nar-Anon might be right for us.
Ask yourself the following questions and then answer them as honestly as you can.
1. Do you find yourself making excuses, lying or covering up for someone?
2. Do you have a reason not to trust this person?
3. Is it becoming difficult for you to believe his/her explanations?
4. Do you lie awake worrying about this person?
5. If it is your child, is he/she missing school often without your knowledge?
6. If it is your spouse, is he/she missing work and leaving bills to pile up?
7. Are your savings mysteriously disappearing?
8. Are the unanswered questions causing hostility and undermining your relationship?
9. Are you asking yourself, "What’s wrong?" and "Is it my fault?"
10. Are normal family disagreements becoming hostile and violent?
11. Are your suspicions turning you into a detective and are you afraid of what you may find?
12. Are you canceling your social functions with vague excuses?
13. Are you becoming increasingly reluctant to invite friends to your home?
14. Is concern for this person causing you headaches, a knotty stomach and extreme anxiety?
15. Do minute matters easily irritate this person? Does your whole life seem like a nightmare?
16. Are you unable to discuss the situation with friends and relatives because of embarrassment?
17. Are you frustrated by ineffective attempts to control the situation?
18. Do you overcompensate and try not to make waves?
19. Do you keep trying to make things better and nothing helps?
20. Are the life style and friends of this person changing? Do you ever think they may be using drugs?

If you have answered “Yes” to four or more of these questions, Nar-Anon may be able to give you the answers you are looking for.

We welcome you to the Nar-Anon Family Groups and hope that you will find comfort and support in our meetings. We believe that by sharing our experience, strength and hope we can learn from each other how to deal with the pain and heartbreak that comes with loving an addict.

We encourage you to attend at least six meetings before deciding if Nar-Anon is right for you. You will hear stories from our members that are similar to your own. You will find help in our literature that you can read between meetings. As you learn about our program, you will gain strength by realizing that you are not alone. There are many tools that can be used to help you during this difficult time. Not everything you hear or read will apply to your situation, so take what you like and leave the rest.

As you work the Nar-Anon program, you will come to appreciate the widely divergent ideas that are expressed here. In Nar-Anon, as in life, we all come from different backgrounds, bringing with us our own thoughts, ideas and instincts, and we are striving to be the best individuals we can be. We learn that we can work this program in our own way and in our own time.

There are no professionals or experts in our meetings, only other members who have had to deal with the addiction problem of someone they love. No one will tell you what to do or how to do it. We can only share our experience, strength and hope so that we might learn from each other in order to make decisions that
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry. I can hear and feel your sorrow in your words.

There are times I've literally said to my husband "I'm not ok." One time, he said he doesn't want me to say that anymore. Hmm. I didn't care for that. We talked and he listened. Fortunately, he understood. Maybe your husband does too? I'm not sure you are giving him a chance? Each person handles these very emotional and difficult things differently. My husband can sometimes clam up. I find if I clam up...wow...simply NOT a good idea. And I have a boat load of autoimmune conditions that make me wonder about this topic....

I had the bizarre misfortune of thinking that confiding in a close friend was "safe." She seemed empathetic. BUt, as I've mentioned on this board ...she showed odd signs of jealousy and she revealed to me she liked it when I told her my troubles with my "special" child as it made her feel better. I didn't care for this AT ALL. So, of course, be careful who you share with.

A therapist is safe. And these 12 step programs are good. We didn't go to Families Anonymous long, but I HAD to go when our adult child did something so outrageous about a year ago that I was a total mess. My husband wasn't doing so well either. We truly appreciate their support and we took home wonderful helpful literature to read. If the meetings were closer, we would of continued to go. And are very grateful that we can go back if we ever want to. Good people, who totally understand. Nar Anon or another group like it might also be good. These folks totally "get it," are empathetic and offer helpful advice. There are a variety of these types of "Anonymous" groups.

Be sure to take care of yourself. Big time. And I do hope you can speak with your husband, and like mine, he will come around if he has a tendency to not be as supportive as you would like. It's important. (((hugs)))
 
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Helpless29

Well-Known Member
How are you doing helpless?
I’m ok , police did call me & they seen my son. I still had the missing person report filed , officer said he looked healthy & they did speak to him. I am now aware of the area he is in Downtown Jacksonville Florida
My sons phone was back on for a day or 2 but now back off , here is a text I got from him. I copied & pasted it .
I guess I'm "on the street" I promise u im fine and not how ur probably picturing me . It's not cold at all I made s little set up where I can see the whole skyline . They have public showers . I found this thing where I can wash clothes for free every Monday. I been applying for jobs . This city is soooo beautiful .
To me he seems to be glorifying the streets. I texted him that I talked to house manager at the sober living he was at & told him he can go back but he said no . I asked if he wanted me to look for other places but no response. Yesterday & today phone back off so no contact with him. Sad he’s choosing to live like this when he has so much potential.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
It’s hard to understand, but there are a few people in this world who choose to be homeless. I’m glad he’s alive and made contact with you. Some people don’t like a life with rules. They want to sleep or do what they want when they want. They don’t like being told what to do. They don’t want a conventional life that requires working, paying bills, etc. They think being homeless is an interesting, enough experience. They meet unique people and travel all over. Maybe that suits some people, but not most of us. If this is the lifestyle he wants, my concern would be his safety and addiction. He seems to know how to stay safe for the most part. If he doesn’t go back to the criminal gang life and can stop using drugs, maybe that is all we can hope for. He’s choosing an unconventional, alternative lifestyle. Who knows all the reasons why, but he seems happier this way. We’ll probably never understand.

I’m sorry for you because he’s put you through the wringer. He’s going to cause you to develop major medical problems if you constantly worry yourself to death. You can’t change him. He has to want it for himself.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
To me he seems to be glorifying the streets.
Hi Helpless. Your post, to me, has more good news than bad. You have no control over his choices or preferences, as I have no control over my own son's. My son is homeless in these horrible California storms. I have no idea where he is. I have no idea whether or not he is in peril. Every time we let him back there is some kind of blow-up or disaster, including the police.

I have not had contact with him for a month. Either he is blocking me or he no longer has his phone. This is his life, Helpless. It is a constant struggle to not let it be my life, too. We, you and I, are in the same boat. Me? I watch a lot of Netflix. Preferably mindless romances.

Love Copa
 

Helpless29

Well-Known Member
Hi Helpless. Your post, to me, has more good news than bad. You have no control over his choices or preferences, as I have no control over my own son's. My son is homeless in these horrible California storms. I have no idea where he is. I have no idea whether or not he is in peril. Every time we let him back there is some kind of blow-up or disaster, including the police.

I have not had contact with him for a month. Either he is blocking me or he no longer has his phone. This is his life, Helpless. It is a constant struggle to not let it be my life, too. We, you and I, are in the same boat. Me? I watch a lot of Netflix. Preferably mindless romances.

Love Copa
I’m so sorry about your son and him being out there in those storms,I did not know you have not had contact with him for a month . I could not even imagine how you must feel. I will be praying for us & our sons. My son ended up contacting me today .He said he got a job, he starts Thursday , he also went to some free food give away over the weekend . I guess he is figuring out on his own the resources they offer out there. He mentioned buying a tent when he gets his first paycheck it was heartbreaking but he made it sound like it was the greatest thing ever. I guess I can find peace in knowing he is safe for now & is still contacting us.
 
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