I am beginning to feel like a cold hearted [email protected]#%

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by joysheph, Jan 20, 2019.

  1. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    I dont know what has came over me? I really dont care anymore what my son J is doing. Drugs or not; warm or cold; hungry or full; shelter or car. I feel terrible like a cold hearted B word! This weekend was really cold here and I know J has been sleeping in his car because he parks the car on the curb in front of my house. I'm not sure yet to how I feel about that? I leave for work and see him asleep in his car or hes using my wifi. I just drive off and think there his life at least hes alive. He has been doing this since I had kicked him out in December for a relapse. He tells me he has a plan and he dont need my advice. Okay so there he is living in his car parked outside my house. I dont get it. Well he wasnt there this weekend and apart didn't even want to look outside to see if hes there. I didn't look but my husband told me hes not out there. So I am glad he found something to stay warm. This morning hes back out there. I don't even have the energy to ask how he is anymore.
     
  2. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Don’t judge yourself Joy. What you are experiencing is burnout ... compassion fatigue...probably depression caused by everything he has put you through. When things are too much, we shut down.

    I have had periods when my emotions have shut down entirely. When C was in jail, and a bunch of other drama was going on at the same time, I just couldn’t feel. I thought something must seriously be wrong with me. I had no emotions at all. No joy. No sorrow. No curiosity. Just blank. I had shut down.

    I went through a similar period when N was in the hospital and my marriage was falling apart.

    Sometimes it’s all too much. We shut down as a defense mechanism.

    Meditation and mindfulness helped me find my feelings again. And my balance.

    Be gentle with yourself.
     
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  3. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    I totally agree about the compassion fatigue - a person can only take so much. It's not just about the relapse; it's also about all the behaviors that contribute to it that make things difficult.

    My son has been out of prison for a couple of months, has no heat in his car, and I'm just holding my breath about him becoming homeless again. I don't think I could take him being right outside my house. He has snuck onto our property, and even at 33, he blames me for his circumstances.

    It's just plain hard. Be gentle with yourself. It doesn't mean you don't love your son. You have to take care of yourself - that's not selfish - it's essential.
     
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  4. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I know that feeling as well. My son and his girlfriend just broke up today and i knew this was going to mean a meltdown. It did. I couldn't bring myself to feel bad i knew it was coming. He tried to make me feel sorry for him but i didn't. Played the suicide card i said no one wants him to kill himself. So do not feel like you are alone. We both want our kids to be ok but are going to quit letting them involve us in their drama. It is a matter of our sanity. Prayers
     
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  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    My oldest son is not in as much chaos as most adults here but HE often thinks he is and he is a drama queen about what he considers his problems. I get it. I used to be too as did many in my FOO.

    My son is now middle age at 41 and I cant work myself up to get concerned about his drama. I wont talk to him for three days if he is not nice to me and when he is under stress he is not always nice. He made it to 41. Im sure he can handle and survive his problems. He doesnt need me to worry with him. So I pretty much forget about the newest stress as soon as we get off the phone. Is that cold? He has been mmassively worried about the same thing every day. For years.

    Now he does have a home and job and does not sleep in a car in front of my house, but I think that no matter what they do, eventually we stop getting as worried as we once were. I think its normal to realize that tneir life is on them, worrying doesnt help them and we get tired of the same issues over and over again.

    I have tried decades to talk my son down from the horror stories in his mind and it doesnt work so now I only half listen. I advise a therapist and he says no. I am not a therapist. I did my best for a very long time. I worried because he did, bit it didnt help.


    Some issues worry me more and are valid to be worried about. He has high blood pressure (very), high cholestral, and other stress related and poor eating habits health problems but wont get help for them. Claims they are too expensive (medications).

    I have sent money for medications that he doesnt use for them and frankly he makes ALOT of money in spite of having to pay child support. We are talking six figures. Yes, his ex gets a good chunk of it but he has more money than us. I stopped the cash flow and worrying about him having a stroke. Because I have no control.

    There is norhing I can do. Nothing. My fear doesnt do squat for him.

    This isnt coldness. This isnt lack of love. This is fatique on top of realizing that they will do what they want, even if their lives are not what we had hoped for them.

    When your son is ready to ditch the car and get clean he will. You worrying about it wont speed things up. Just like my son will listen to his doctor when he gets scared enough. Until then, no.

    Why ask how he is doing when you know you will be given a poor me, help me story?

    We are human and get tired of the lack of motivation to change, the guilt trips (as if it is our fault), the same issues and the rinse repeat of their lives.

    In short, you are a normal human being and you do love your son but are tired of living his chaos with him.

    Lots of love and hugs!
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2019
  6. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    I appreciate yall for the kind words and the uplifting. I guess I am shutdown. Today the husband and I took a drive around the lake and didn't have a care in the world. We laughed and enjoyed the beautiful day. We decided we need more of these days.
     
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  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Maybe the reason he's sleeping in his car outside your house is to make you feel guilty. He knows you can see him. Mind games.
     
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Sorry that you are going through this Joysheph.

    Yes I've been there too. Sometimes wishing I never would see him again or that I'd never had him. How awful.

    Now he is sober and when I see his smile and him happy I melt and I don't know how I ever felt that way. But I went through hell and I don't even blame myself. I learned self-compassion through years of therapy. I guess a part of me is just gone and shut away forever.

    It's just me realizing how hard life can be. I believe in God but his word tells me just because of that doesn't mean that my life will be easy or that things will go smoothly or as I want them to go.

    Thankfully my prayers were answered and he saved my son. I do not think I would want him sitting outside of my house though. That is a bit much to handle on a daily basis. He is bringing you into his drama and you don't deserve that. You didn't cause this and you can't control it or cure it.

    Hugs for enjoying your time with your hubby. Life is so short and WE only get this ONE life too.
     
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  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Don't be hard on yourself. I think it's very normal to become "numb" after we have dealt with so much from our troubled adult children.
    You say he's using your wifi. If it were me, I would change the password. I would not want my son using my wifi for anything. This also may be why he's staying in front of your house. Just something to consider.
    Remember, he has made the choices he has made that have gotten him where he is. This is on him not on you.
    Stay strong!!