I am worried

toughlovin

Well-Known Member
Hi all,

Its been a while since I wrote. I have been going along living my life..... my son has been up and down. He is involved in this great program which I am incredibly thankful for because I love thier model which is different than any other program he has ever been in. It really is dual diagnosis and is a harm reduction model and works with participants where they are and continues to work with them even if they relapse.... so he has had several slips and they have continued to work with him. Which has been great because it has kept him going and had meant he hasnt ended up back on the streets. And he hasnt gone back to heroin but has slipped with alcohol and it has been short lived. And it has taken the pressure off of us because they check in with him daily so the day to day worry is taken off of us..... so we are incredibly thankful.

So recently he lost his great job due to a hand injury he had and he called very depressed and down and very drunk. I tried to be very encouraging and supportive etc.

A couple of days ago we had a call with the program and apparantly he is doing some very very risky behaviors which are extremely concerning. We are going up for a meeting tomorrow with the team which is good. But it got me pretty worried. If he continues on this path he will end up either dead or in jail. I found myself this morning thinking about his funeral.... and I hate that feeling. We are doing all we can, a lot is up to him, but darn it is so hard to sit and wait and see what happens.

TL
 

elizabrary

Well-Known Member
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's maddening to see the self-destructive behaviors our kids do and not be able to intervene. Perhaps the people working with him will be able to get through to him. I know my daughter is always much more willing to listen to almost anyone besides me. :sheepish: It's good you are able to be positive and supportive. Hang in there. Sending positive energy your way.
 

Elsi

Well-Known Member
Oh TL I’m sorry he’s going backwards here. Sending you big hugs. I know this pain and worry very well. I’m glad your son is still attached to the program and it has been a positive experience for him. As you say, the rest is up to him. It sounds like you have been patient, supportive and no judgmental as he goes through this, which is wonderful. Try not to go there with the funerals - I know, I do the same thing. But all we can do is focus on where they are today. I hope today’s meeting goes well and he starts getting back on a better path. He’s in a program and seems to want something better for himself, and that’s huge.
 

Tired out

Well-Known Member
I am sorry to hear about his steps backward. Prayers he will stop, look and listen and get back on track going forward.
Sending prayers and good luck wishes your way.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Toughlovin

Glad he is still connected to the program. Yes it's hard for us moms. I liked the days where we gave them a nice bath, warm bottle and then bed!! That was a comforting feeling as a mother wasn't it?

I just saw the movie Beautiful Boy which is based on a true story. The "boy" struggled with meth addiction for many years. Even went back after being sober for over a year. That is the reality. He has now been sober 8 years per the credits at the end.

We cannot save another person. We can only save ourselves. When he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired he'll change.

Take good care of you and hugs and prayers that you keep up your strength and try to live your life with meaning and purpose while he finds a way to do that in his own life.
:group-hug:
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member

I found myself this morning thinking about his funeral.
This is the worst. This is so hard. We have no defenses when in our sleep we go to these places. We are conquered in our sleep and we wake up hostages. And have to spend several hours just regaining possession of ourselves. I am sorry, TL.
so he has had several slips and they have continued to work with him. Which has been great because it has kept him going and had meant he hasnt ended up back on the streets
All of this is fantastic.
We are going up for a meeting tomorrow with the team which is good. But it got me pretty worried. If he continues on this path he will end up either dead or in jail.
Now here's the thing: There is never more than probability in life. We suppress awareness that we live our lives based upon odds, probability. We feel secure. That if we do that, and not that, we are safe. It is an illusion.

The reality is that your son has been making consistent efforts to better himself and his life. But he also does self-destructive stuff. And then he picks himself up and puts himself back on the path. In this current situation...you are going to visit tomorrow with the team, WHICH IS GOOD. Every time that I am aware of, son has responded to your support. There is no reason to think this will not happen again.

Without knowing the specific behavior it is hard to comment. But there is no reason to NOT THINK that there can be a response, an intervention, a plan to deal with it. There is goodwill, commitment and love. We have to believe that together you all will come up with something that speaks to your son and he will listen.

TL. I think I know how hard this is. Because it is so hard for me, too. It is so hard when they take such risks with their lives...either denying the consequences or indifferent to them. I deal with this too. Please know how much we care.
 

toughlovin

Well-Known Member
Thank you all for your good thoughts. My hope is that he will be honest about where he is at and what he is doing and will be open to suggestions.... and that this girl he is interested in will continue to be a motivation for him. Time will tell. I feel somewhat resigned to what will be will be. I really have no control over his future.
 

toughlovin

Well-Known Member
Well we had the meeting..... and I have mixed feelings. I am a little frustrated because in a way I felt like we didnt talk about the elephant in the room which is his very risky behavior which I am not sure he knows we know about......on the other hand if it did come up I think he would have been very much on the defensive and would have completely shut down and we would have gotten no where, So I am left feeliing not completely reassured.... but at least I also didnt feel liked to.... where sometimes I feel reassured and its all lies. So here he feels like he is a little lost but he was honest about it, and he got some good support and I think he left the meeting feeling supported and was planning on going to the gym and working out this afternoon which is a good thing to be doing. And he is going to start looking for a part time job.....and has a plan. So it was a bit of a mixed bag but maybe for now that is the best I can hope for.
 

Smithmom

Well-Known Member
I'm in awe. You sat through this meeting and did all the right things and let the elephant sit there! That must have taken every ounce of strength in you. Wow! Congrats!
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
TL. How did the program find out about the high risk behavior? If he told them, that is a very good thing. He knows that they know. And he is talking about it with them. The fact that he was open and DID NOT lie in the meeting with you and his dad is such a huge deal.

My son told the supermarket staff his mother was in Conneticut (I have never been in Conneticutt. Nor do I know how to spell it.) I live a 3 minute drive from the supermarket. One checker told the other one: J's mother came in. Oh. She came to visit from Conn. No. She lives down the street.

You have certain aims with your son: one is to stay connected to him; a second is to support him so that he can make choices to rein in his self-destructive behavior and to double down in the positives. Nothing in those aims speaks to handling elephants. So you did not. Yay for you.

You have long-ago accepted and decided you cannot do it for him. You decided that pressure, admonishment, control, reinforcement, does not work, and may interfere with what are your primary aims. You have decided that your words of instruction, to convince and to warn, do not work. So the elephant had no platform, no space on the agenda, as you have defined it. Instead you focused on your real life son. Bravo.

And with your extraordinary self-control and focus you maintained the connection and commitment to what you could do, provide reassurance and support and love and commitment to him and to the relationship. You go girl. TL.

I can only imagine how hard that is and how frustrating it is to not say what you know to be real. It would have pretty much killed me off. I do not know that I am capable of that kind of restraint and self-control.

What you are deciding is to empower your son to do better, choose better and do more. You don't need me to tell you that. But I will anyway.
 
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BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I rately tell my son to be nicer. Its a big deal and our elephant but he wont listen to it. I gave up. Its his life. Nothing I say to him will do squat.

Today I am with my three girls (as I type this I am in the back seat of a car with my sleeping grand beside me) and Bart came up. Both of my grown girls asked me why I still talk to him. Princess said "He has no human feeling."

It is what it is. He will be very alone if he doesnt change his attitude toward others. Right now he doesnt seem to care. His dad and I wont be around forever and his son wont always be ten years old.
 
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toughlovin

Well-Known Member
Copa - you make a good point. The program found out about his risky behavior in two ways. Part of it he told them about.... so that part is good. Part of it, he was talking to another participant about and he told the program (not so good). I was thinking about you and the health concerns you have with your son.... and I was thiinking about that as well with the Hep C and my sons drinking as well as potentional other drug use. They are at least aware of the Hep C and there is a nurse on staff so at least they can work with him to monistor him.... at this point I dont think he is yet getting any treatment for it.
 

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Hi TL
Just catching up here. I am greatful your son is still connected to his program. This is so very difficult for you and I am amazed at how well you managed through navigating the Elephant.
I hope things improve.
 
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