A volatile, and precarious, bridge to walk from that life to this one.
This is not a joke, what follows: I am wondering if your daughter might be interested in studying Judaism.
This is why I ask: I am re-reading a book called The Sabbath.
Written, it was, in 1951 by Abraham Heschel, about the foremost scholar of our time in Judaic studies. He calls the sabbath, a castle in time, and describes the Jewish faith about time, not space. He calls the sabbath a time to experience eternity. Almost as if to stop time, to almost die within time.
I am drawn to this way of thinking for many reasons, one of which is because I am afraid of death, so I want to make friends with it.
What happened to your daughter, Cedar, among other things, is that she lost control of her story in time. This control can regained, but I believe it will require her to begin to think differently about life, in order to conquer time.
In our time we think of the weekend as a means to relax and prepare again "to work." To Heschel we live, the Jews lived for the Sabbath. It is our palace in time, when we return to G-d. Everything else does not matter.
I believe now that each one of us can decide to construct that palace now, apart from every other thing that we feel is important. That place is "eternity" and we need not one thing to build it. Not beauty or youth or a good back (my spine is shot.)
Each of those feeling states Copa, would be defenses.
When I read this Cedar, at first I did not grasp it. Because I am so conditioned to believe that how I appear, is me. But of course they are defenses. In my case: I defanged myself, say about 60 years ago as a defense against my own capacity and power--in my family.
You see, Cedar, I believe that I chose that defense. It was adaptive. It is my own voice that speaks it. It was the road open to me--at that time. Children are brilliantly intuitive. Their very identities depend upon it. I was going to write "essences." But know it is the wrong word. Still, it beckons to me. I will look now what the difference is, there is a subtle one, which I believe I will need to know.
I look forward to more of this discussion but today is my last day off before I return to work tomorrow. M and I will be out and about doing errands.