I feel stuck

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Misssy2, Dec 31, 2018.

  1. Misssy2

    Misssy2 New Member

    I'm 54..

    I have my 29 year old son staying with me for the past 2 years.

    He was on his own but started suffering seizures and these seizures scared his room mate so much she didn't want him back there and he came to stay with me...So he has a full time job and works about 50 hours a week...and he was a MESS when he got here...Skinny...his eyes were scary looking (vitamin deficient)...tired....etc....

    doctors diagnosed his seizures being from malnutrition, vitamin deficiencies and anxiety...not epilepsy...
    He insisted going right back to work..driving and doing everything they told him not to do...of course.

    My boyfriend of 3 years was living with us when my son first came here....my boyfriend and son did not get along for various reasons....And I felt that my boyfriend and his relationship was hindering my sons ability to heal...so I asked my boyfriend to leave...after 3 years...and he did....and it has caused a great loss in my life...

    My son however, has been thriving..but it took about this long 1.5 years since i kicked my boyfriend out for my son to get completely healthy..no seizures in a year...and back to normal weight. But I noticed he is very sensitive and says he doesn't "need" me..but notice when I am not here..he will not eat.

    I wrote him a note about 2 weeks ago..cause i have been suicidal and depressed (I didn't tell him that)...I just said that I want to be happy...and that I am afraid of him being unhappy..but I want my boyfriend back in my life...I can not breathe without him...I need help with the mortgage...I need him for my heart.

    My son says he understands....Meantime...My son brought a homeless girl to live here...she makes me very uncomfortable and now she is making him uncomfortable as well..and we can't wait for her to leave...on Jan 10th....

    I want my b/f back here...but I don't want my son uncomfortable in his own house...I'm so frigin torn....If I have a few drinks..i tell my boyfriend...Oh I will work on my "son"....but when I am sober...I am like I CANT DO THIS TO MY SON..

    I had told my son in my letter that he has many more years to live than I do...and I want him to want me to be happy...He SAYS he wants whatever I want (but I do not believe this...I think he just feels stuck).

    I don't want to make him sick again...but I don't want to die alone...I am so torn.
     
  2. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I'm glad your son is doing so well. It sounds like he has a serious work ethic. I'm worried for you and hope you have a therapist or someone you can talk to about your feelings. You did the right thing where your son is concerned. You had to, but you still miss your boyfriend. Do you have a close friend you can turn to for emotional support? Have you thought about talking to a therapist? It was a very compassionate thing to let the homeless girl move in with you. I can understand how it's getting on your nerves, though. You are obviously a person who makes sacrifices to help others. I think you have a lot to offer this world. Something that helps my son's depression and anxiety is volunteering at the animal shelter and homeless shelter. You're sort of already volunteering at the shelter by taking in a homeless woman. Please take care of yourself and reach out for help.
     
  3. overcome mom

    overcome mom Member

    I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I too have sacrificed for my child to the detriment of myself. When I read your post I wonder why your son appears not to be able to take care of himself without living with you? I also wonder what would happen to him if something happened to you? With that in mind what do you think needs to happen so that he can live and thrive independent of you? If he could get to that point then he would be able to move out and your boyfriend could move back in. Have you /he thought about talking with someone to come up with a plan so that he can become independent again? I have always thought that our job as parents is to help our children become independent of us. You also need to think of yourself and your happiness. You are important and matter too.
     
    • Winner Winner x 4
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  4. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Missy, regardless of what problems your son has, two things remain true:
    1. He is going to have to find a way to be independent somehow, because you aren’t going to be here to take care of him forever.
    2. YOU deserve and need joy and happiness in your own life. You cannot sacrifice everything for an adult child.
    I agree with overcome - he needs to become independent, the sooner the better. And you need to move on with your life and do what you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and spiritually. You are a mother, but we are not put on this earth solely to sacrifice for our children, especially once they are adults. We are allowed to want things for ourselves, too.

    Your son has a lot going for him. He can work and earn money. He knows the cause of the seizures and how to prevent them. He is capable of moving out and taking care of himself. And if he chooses NOT to take care of himself when he is on his own, that is not your fault or your problem to fix. He may need to see a counselor to get tot the root of this problem so he can move on. But at some point, that has to happen. Many people with disabilities worse than your son’s live independently.

    In the meantime, it is YOUR home. You have done your son a favor by allowing him to live there while he recovers, which is wonderful. I probably would have done the same. But I don’t think it’s fair to you to sacrifice your relationship for him. It was our boyfriend’s home before your son was there. In my opinion, if you want him back and he wants to come back, that should happen. If your son is uncomfortable with this, he can work harder on getting ready to move out to a place that is his. He should not dictate who can and can’t live there or what guests you can have over. He should never have brought another person in to live there! Let go of this idea that you ‘don’t want your son to be uncomfortable in his own home.” It is not his home. It is your boyfriend and partner, if he moves back in, who should have rights to feel comfortable in the home that was also his.

    This is hard stuff. I hope you have someone you can talk to. Are you seeing a counselor? Is your son?

    Big hugs to you. You have a lot going for you, as does your son, and I believe you can both get through this.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • List
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Misssy, you are precious and loving and feel you have to take care of everyone in your family. And you did!

    But none of us are able to keep that up. You have been diagnosed with dementia ....you absolutly must take care of yourself now. Your son will not have you to care for him forever. The more stressed you are, the sooner he will have to learn to take care of himself. Period.


    He is not living in HIS house. You are extending him the invitation of living in YOUR house. He is well old enough to care about YOU and get along with your boyfriend for your sake.

    If he wont I think you need to put yourself first. He can leave so that you can feel happy and cared for by the man you love.

    There is an age when our kids are little and need a mommy. There is an age when they, like you did, need to take care of yourself and 29 is well past thay age. His anger problems should not impact your life anymore. You should be able to have a relationship without a man his age being a factor.

    He is being a selfish grown adult who is thinking of only himself.

    You deserve a great rest of your life but it is up to you if you allow it. I hope you do. in my opinion its time to enjoy the rest of your life, not care for a grown man. What happens to him when you are no lo ger here?

    Hugs, love and light!
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  6. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I agree with the people before me. Stress can accelerate the effects of dimensia. You will need support at some point. Is your son taking anti anxiety medications? If they are not working maybe they need to be adjusted. There are a lot of people who live with anxiety myself included.
    You need to make a plan and carry it through to have your son find his own home and support if needed. It is a medical condition so maybe he would qualify for home nurse services . prayers are with you.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Missy

    I agree with the above posts. Perhaps you can help your son find a roommate so that he can get out on his own? He really does need to be independent of you.

    It sounds like you are deeply in love with your boyfriend and that you have been through a lot together. I think that you should be with him since you deserve to be happy.

    If you son doesn't eat when you're not around then that is his problem! If he's hungry, he'll eat!
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I agree with the others.

    I would give your son a finite amount of time to move out. Perhaps 4,6 or 8 weeks. 8 week’s is the max in my humble opinion. Try not to let it go on too long. I would even consider helping him with the transition. I would discuss with him the possibility of getting a healthy roommate if necessary financially. If not immediately, then maybe down the road.

    Consider letting your boyfriend know that you are working on a plan to move your son out within let’s say two months. And that you hope he will move back at that time.

    Enjoy time with your boyfriend. Life is too short to be so very unhappy. If you arent doing so already, I hope you will get some counseling.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for how you are suffering, but I do agree with everyone else - life is too short to be unhappy when there are alternatives. At nearly 30 years of age, your son is past old enough to take care of himself. Now, I assume that he's got some mental health issues if he let himself be malnourished to the point of having seizures, but he is now healthy and he needs to take care of himself. Has he had some counseling? Perhaps that is necessary for him (and you) for him to be comfortable moving on.

    This caught my eye:

    Is your son not helping with the bills? Because I'm sorry, but if he works 50 hours per week he has one heck of a good work ethic and he should have a really decent income. What is he doing with his money? If he's going to be there, he needs to be helping you! He certainly has the ability to pay his own rent elsewhere and he has the ability to give you help with your mortgage.
     
  10. Misssy2

    Misssy2 New Member

    I am so overwhelmed by the responses..I have to come back...but I will and I will address everyone.
    My son seems to be on the same page as you all..i just can't get there.
     
  11. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Your situation is worse than mine in some ways, and much better in others. When I was 1 and 1/2 years into my relationship with my husband (boyfriend at the time) having my son living with me was making me feel on the verge of a breakdown and his behavior was literally making me sick (gastro problems that seemed to be triggered by my anxiety and stress). My boyfriend, who did not live with me at the time, was my shield and escape but felt caught between me and my son. Two or three times he broke up with me and I was at a point where I had to choose between an ungrateful, disrespectful, and often abusive son that I loved very much and a wonderful man that I loved and who loved me equally in return. The last straw was when he had a stroke triggered by stress and was hospitalized for a solid month. The weren't sure at first if he would even survive. While he was in the hospital and then recuperating at his brother's house I had to make the hardest of decisions. My son had to go. That was maybe 7 or 8 years ago and although I love my son dearly, to this day if push comes to shove, I will always put my husband ahead of my son.

    Your son seems to love you and care about you and is a hard worker, none of which are my son's strong suits. That must make your situation even harder. But at the end of the day, he should find a way to take care of himself as an independent adult while you help from the sidelines. As others have said, what will he do when you're gone? Can you make your son understand how much your relationship with your boyfriend means to you and that if he is willing to come back you need to work on solutions where they can get along or at least peacefully coexist for your sake? You need companionship and friendship and support at your own level, not just from your son. I hope and pray you can rekindle your relationship with your boyfriend, because it sounds like you need him as much as your son needs you. God bless.
     
  12. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Missy, 1st, for your peace of mind is your son in counseling? It really sounds like he needs coping strategies. Not eating to point of vitamin deficiency and seizures seems like some sort of depression issue.
    What about a certain # step plan?
    Example-
    1st-Apartment for son.-- hopefully with room mate. maybe someone who is a little older than him?
    2nd. - 1st 2 weeks: he lives at apartment 4 x/ week but sleeps at your home 3x/week and has 1 meal/day with you everyday (if possible- I don't know how that is working right now)
    3rd week: sleeps at his apartment 5x/week stays , Sleeps at your house 12x/week and sees, eats with you 5x/week
    4th week: sleeps at his apartment 6x/week , sees/ eats with you 4x/week
    5th week: sleeps at apartment 7x/week, eats sees you 4x/week
    Go forward from there.

    What I am reading in your post is that you need and love both your boyfriend and your son. You have put your son before yourself. From that I don't believe you can just move him to an apartment and be done. I think the stress on your health would be too great.
    Maybe my idea is nuts. We don't know your son's history , why he stopped eating int he 1st place which lead to everything else.

    Talk with your boyfriend too. By week 3 maybe he can be on board to help you and see son with dinner 1 or 2x/week. It's probably a jealousy issue between them and the relationships with you,,they won't admit that.

    You two (3) can do this.
     
  13. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Although you say he isnt taking drugs, drug use would be the most explainable reason for weight loss and malnutrition. I saw my healthy daughter turn into a skeleten on drugs and I did t know she was doing more than smoking pot. So you just may not know if he uses drugs.

    I still think that if he cant control his anger (or wont) it will hurt you and him if he lives with you. Would he maybe different if he did right by you and seriously worked on whatever is goi going on, but he isnt and at 37 he obviously is used to your allowing him to do it. And he obviously is not looking at his own long term. You have serious health issues and will not be able to care for him forever.

    Hugs!