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I found myself here because I made my daughter leave today and am now remorseful
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<blockquote data-quote="Fifi_1123" data-source="post: 760715" data-attributes="member: 27897"><p>Thank you for responding. I did OK yesterday as I had to get up and get out of the house and get some things done like work again. I found that I did OK I was worried that I had things to do at work and it took my mind off of it for a little while. There are times when I can rationalize everything and look at it and know that I did the right thing and knowing that everything I did came from a base of love as a parent does make me feel not vindicated or exonerated those are the words I’m looking for but it does reinforce the fact that I can look back and go OK well maybe that wasn’t the perfect thing but in that moment in that time that was the right thing to do then. My biggest worry is for her safety in the world we live in and of course we are in the middle of a pandemic. I am fast learning my lack of control in my control was not one where I wanted control my control that I had with her was just over what my expectations and rules and my home etc. etc. It seems on my part that she grew up a lot faster than what I was able to see but also that she has become someone that I don’t even want to be around. She is not kind she is not nice she is not respectful and she’s very rude.</p><p>There was a new development as far as she contacted her father by phone today which she has consistently avoided him for the last two years. Seeing him on holidays birthdays celebrations things of that nature when she has to. But she refuses to go to his house at all. But she actually reached out and called him today and asked him if he could supply her with a vehicle which of course in his mind he doesn’t understand because she had the car here I was allowing her to drive. He had to tell her that he had sold his extra car and didn’t have one for her to use. So I’m sure in her way of thinking that she was stuck because 15 minutes after the phone call to him she texted me and said I’m willing to meet with you this evening if you still want to. I had not initiated any contact with her since the last time for days ago when she said she was fine and she would contact me when she was ready. I responded back and told her yes today this evening would be fine to meet and then I was coming to where she is in that town and I would be happy to pick her up. And I have not heard a single response back and it’s been about 10 hours. No confirmation nothing I’ve texted twice and I’ve called her once no answer. So I just think that she may have found someplace else to stay or that she may have found a different car to be able to use. Her father contacted me after their phone call. He states his concern is that he wants her home and that I should make concessions and certain such things I understand his concern and I also want her home but I don’t want her home to wear the same things happen. I have been able to talk with a family member who went through some similar things with their child some 15 years ago and it seems to be the same pattern of a lot of this mother-daughter things. I am learning to except that she may drop out of school. I am learning to except that she may not continue on the path that is healthiest for her. I have great fears for her I don’t want her staying with someone and may be sleeping with them and staying in a relationship just so she can have a place to stay. Those are my big fears and I understand those are her choices whether they be healthy or not. This. Is. Hard. </p><p>I am a Christian I am a believer but necessarily a practicer and I have prayed and what I have prayed for is for me to have clarity in my decisions for what I need to do to make this situation better for all of us and also that if she is not wanting to come home as that’s what she told her father she doesn’t want to come here. Then I prayed for the peace to accept that and for me to have the perseverance to stay strong and to begin to cultivate a life without her in it. </p><p>I have cried. The biggest sobs that I can remember crying since my father passed 28 years ago. I am grieving. I am also trying to acceot the grieving part because I feel that if I acceot the grief that comes along with this loss that I hopefully I will be able to begin Healing and deal with things so much better and be able to move on and not get fixated with the worry and the fears that the kids seem to consume but I thought the last several days. </p><p>so that’s where I’m at today. </p><p> OK I was asleep when I got the phone call from her father this morning and then after talking to her father I had some hope when she had texted but now there’s no response back I have this deep pit of dread in my soul. I feel like a yo-yo dependent on any communication that might cone thru. I pace I worry I check my ohone, all of it. I feel so defeated and I what to make sure that when I express the way on here what I’m feeling I’m really not trying to make this about myself I really just trying to make it about the situation. This is a help group and I’m not just trying to vent to make someone right or wrong I’m just trying to get through this. </p><p>and believe me I have had some self-destructive thoughts. Is this self pity or just part of the grief process.</p><p>Part of the conversation that I had today with my family member it was so very generous to spend part of her day to just stop and listen and offer advice was that she was giving me some very wise words that are very kind lady gave her some years ago when she was having problems with her daughter. She said that I have been a good parent and I have laid the seeds down and planted those seeds, nurtured those seeds, given those seeds a firm foundation to adhere to and grow. And now it was time to sit back and watch the fruit of those seeds grow. The person who gave my family member that advice was myself. I had forgotten this in all the last few years of turmoil. This was a good salve to put on my open grieving wound that is my soul right now. </p><p>Any advice is appreciated and accepted. I do have open ears and a trusting heart from those who have been through this.</p><p>This waiting and not knowing is ravaging my soul. If I am home and off for the day I feel frozen. I do not understand what I am doing to myself. I’m gripped with fear and worry. My mind comes up with scenarios to fix this and all be better and then worse things about her being harmed whether by her own choices or outside influences. So this is I guess what is called a basket case.</p><p>I’ve been Thinking of the training I had in years past Of Elizabeth Kubler Ross and her teachings of the grief process related to death and dying. </p><p>I think I am at the acceptance and bargaining stage. I’ve been at the shock and the denial. Hopefully I can get beyond this event. </p><p>I do want her home. I do want her safe. I do want a compromise but I don’t want more of the same. </p><p>I don’t know if she will come home. I do know that all through these years we have had conversation that has been had referencing remorse. If someone is remorseful and apologize for their behavior and want to Change then they will. Her patterns have not changed. They continue and they gave escalated. </p><p>If tonight’s meeting ever occurs I’m not asking for miracles. Will start with counseling for us as a step forward if both are willing. </p><p>I have even spoken with her father who had agreed to help in whatever way. I think he will put his foot down and make her go to his house if he ever gets her in his presence. He of all people he says understands exactly what she is doing to herself. I understand the pride and freedom she has had a taste of these last few days. That will be hard to come back to a place that has rules. </p><p>The caveat to this is that I was taking a travel assignment in the fall and she would have the entire house and car to herself as long as she stayed in school. So I will still offer that and her part of the rent is to stay in school and keep her scholarships. And keeps the cat care exemplary to where there’s no permeating cat smell in the house. </p><p>do you guys think this is caving?? </p><p>we are in a pandemic and this world we live is not safe. The area I live is a major metropolitan area with huge numbers of sex trafficking and meth and heroin abuse.</p><p>On the other side of this coin is that with the sellers market we are in right now I can sell my home the day it lists for well over asking and it’s enough to pay all debts public and private lol. And have a large sum left over. </p><p>It is a good business decision for me. I was not contemplating this prior as my notices are to take care of her until she is ready to take care of her correctly. But if she doesn’t meet and doesn’t want to come home then I feel I should act in this and make plans for my future retirement. This is a big home with only myself and a perfect dog. Too much for me. And it’s lonely. I only bought here for her to get in house schools and live in a nice middle class home environment. I have no specific ties to this house.</p><p>Thoughts on this too??</p><p>I seem to have lost my ability to make straight forward decisions years ago. In my therapy I’ve learned it’s the relationship trauma and aftermath effects of a true toxic relationship with a person who is a real narcissist. People throw that term around too easily but it’s true. My ex husband is the best at emotionally crippling ppl as you learn to hide any emotion as it brings on the ability of him to use those against you. Today was first time we have spoken in over a year (our divorce and separation was many years long-11!!!-and is still fresh although we were separated since 2016- had to do it slow and in pieces for safety and other reasons). And he only blamed me for all of the problems with our daughter three times!! </p><p>Just all over the place here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Fifi_1123, post: 760715, member: 27897"] Thank you for responding. I did OK yesterday as I had to get up and get out of the house and get some things done like work again. I found that I did OK I was worried that I had things to do at work and it took my mind off of it for a little while. There are times when I can rationalize everything and look at it and know that I did the right thing and knowing that everything I did came from a base of love as a parent does make me feel not vindicated or exonerated those are the words I’m looking for but it does reinforce the fact that I can look back and go OK well maybe that wasn’t the perfect thing but in that moment in that time that was the right thing to do then. My biggest worry is for her safety in the world we live in and of course we are in the middle of a pandemic. I am fast learning my lack of control in my control was not one where I wanted control my control that I had with her was just over what my expectations and rules and my home etc. etc. It seems on my part that she grew up a lot faster than what I was able to see but also that she has become someone that I don’t even want to be around. She is not kind she is not nice she is not respectful and she’s very rude. There was a new development as far as she contacted her father by phone today which she has consistently avoided him for the last two years. Seeing him on holidays birthdays celebrations things of that nature when she has to. But she refuses to go to his house at all. But she actually reached out and called him today and asked him if he could supply her with a vehicle which of course in his mind he doesn’t understand because she had the car here I was allowing her to drive. He had to tell her that he had sold his extra car and didn’t have one for her to use. So I’m sure in her way of thinking that she was stuck because 15 minutes after the phone call to him she texted me and said I’m willing to meet with you this evening if you still want to. I had not initiated any contact with her since the last time for days ago when she said she was fine and she would contact me when she was ready. I responded back and told her yes today this evening would be fine to meet and then I was coming to where she is in that town and I would be happy to pick her up. And I have not heard a single response back and it’s been about 10 hours. No confirmation nothing I’ve texted twice and I’ve called her once no answer. So I just think that she may have found someplace else to stay or that she may have found a different car to be able to use. Her father contacted me after their phone call. He states his concern is that he wants her home and that I should make concessions and certain such things I understand his concern and I also want her home but I don’t want her home to wear the same things happen. I have been able to talk with a family member who went through some similar things with their child some 15 years ago and it seems to be the same pattern of a lot of this mother-daughter things. I am learning to except that she may drop out of school. I am learning to except that she may not continue on the path that is healthiest for her. I have great fears for her I don’t want her staying with someone and may be sleeping with them and staying in a relationship just so she can have a place to stay. Those are my big fears and I understand those are her choices whether they be healthy or not. This. Is. Hard. I am a Christian I am a believer but necessarily a practicer and I have prayed and what I have prayed for is for me to have clarity in my decisions for what I need to do to make this situation better for all of us and also that if she is not wanting to come home as that’s what she told her father she doesn’t want to come here. Then I prayed for the peace to accept that and for me to have the perseverance to stay strong and to begin to cultivate a life without her in it. I have cried. The biggest sobs that I can remember crying since my father passed 28 years ago. I am grieving. I am also trying to acceot the grieving part because I feel that if I acceot the grief that comes along with this loss that I hopefully I will be able to begin Healing and deal with things so much better and be able to move on and not get fixated with the worry and the fears that the kids seem to consume but I thought the last several days. so that’s where I’m at today. OK I was asleep when I got the phone call from her father this morning and then after talking to her father I had some hope when she had texted but now there’s no response back I have this deep pit of dread in my soul. I feel like a yo-yo dependent on any communication that might cone thru. I pace I worry I check my ohone, all of it. I feel so defeated and I what to make sure that when I express the way on here what I’m feeling I’m really not trying to make this about myself I really just trying to make it about the situation. This is a help group and I’m not just trying to vent to make someone right or wrong I’m just trying to get through this. and believe me I have had some self-destructive thoughts. Is this self pity or just part of the grief process. Part of the conversation that I had today with my family member it was so very generous to spend part of her day to just stop and listen and offer advice was that she was giving me some very wise words that are very kind lady gave her some years ago when she was having problems with her daughter. She said that I have been a good parent and I have laid the seeds down and planted those seeds, nurtured those seeds, given those seeds a firm foundation to adhere to and grow. And now it was time to sit back and watch the fruit of those seeds grow. The person who gave my family member that advice was myself. I had forgotten this in all the last few years of turmoil. This was a good salve to put on my open grieving wound that is my soul right now. Any advice is appreciated and accepted. I do have open ears and a trusting heart from those who have been through this. This waiting and not knowing is ravaging my soul. If I am home and off for the day I feel frozen. I do not understand what I am doing to myself. I’m gripped with fear and worry. My mind comes up with scenarios to fix this and all be better and then worse things about her being harmed whether by her own choices or outside influences. So this is I guess what is called a basket case. I’ve been Thinking of the training I had in years past Of Elizabeth Kubler Ross and her teachings of the grief process related to death and dying. I think I am at the acceptance and bargaining stage. I’ve been at the shock and the denial. Hopefully I can get beyond this event. I do want her home. I do want her safe. I do want a compromise but I don’t want more of the same. I don’t know if she will come home. I do know that all through these years we have had conversation that has been had referencing remorse. If someone is remorseful and apologize for their behavior and want to Change then they will. Her patterns have not changed. They continue and they gave escalated. If tonight’s meeting ever occurs I’m not asking for miracles. Will start with counseling for us as a step forward if both are willing. I have even spoken with her father who had agreed to help in whatever way. I think he will put his foot down and make her go to his house if he ever gets her in his presence. He of all people he says understands exactly what she is doing to herself. I understand the pride and freedom she has had a taste of these last few days. That will be hard to come back to a place that has rules. The caveat to this is that I was taking a travel assignment in the fall and she would have the entire house and car to herself as long as she stayed in school. So I will still offer that and her part of the rent is to stay in school and keep her scholarships. And keeps the cat care exemplary to where there’s no permeating cat smell in the house. do you guys think this is caving?? we are in a pandemic and this world we live is not safe. The area I live is a major metropolitan area with huge numbers of sex trafficking and meth and heroin abuse. On the other side of this coin is that with the sellers market we are in right now I can sell my home the day it lists for well over asking and it’s enough to pay all debts public and private lol. And have a large sum left over. It is a good business decision for me. I was not contemplating this prior as my notices are to take care of her until she is ready to take care of her correctly. But if she doesn’t meet and doesn’t want to come home then I feel I should act in this and make plans for my future retirement. This is a big home with only myself and a perfect dog. Too much for me. And it’s lonely. I only bought here for her to get in house schools and live in a nice middle class home environment. I have no specific ties to this house. Thoughts on this too?? I seem to have lost my ability to make straight forward decisions years ago. In my therapy I’ve learned it’s the relationship trauma and aftermath effects of a true toxic relationship with a person who is a real narcissist. People throw that term around too easily but it’s true. My ex husband is the best at emotionally crippling ppl as you learn to hide any emotion as it brings on the ability of him to use those against you. Today was first time we have spoken in over a year (our divorce and separation was many years long-11!!!-and is still fresh although we were separated since 2016- had to do it slow and in pieces for safety and other reasons). And he only blamed me for all of the problems with our daughter three times!! Just all over the place here. [/QUOTE]
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I found myself here because I made my daughter leave today and am now remorseful
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