Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
I found myself here because I made my daughter leave today and am now remorseful
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 760723" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Fifi</p><p></p><p>I am getting my quotes mixed up so let me just write it out. You are very, very wise. You ended your post with an exact summary of the place where we all are, where we start, when we come here, and where we regress to even after years of work and changing. This is what you say:</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is the problem. Actually, there are several.</p><p></p><p>You are ascribing responsibility and causality to you, not to her.</p><p>You are punishing yourself for doing the right thing.</p><p>You are creating a Catch 22 for yourself. What I mean is that you've put yourself in a straitjacket. If you proactively respond to her actions, attitudes, and conduct, in your mind you become responsible for all and any (imagined) consequences that she may come to in the course of her life.</p><p></p><p>The thing is you are right, in so many ways. (At least in my opinion.)</p><p>I will tell you the things I agree with.</p><p></p><p>First, you don't say it exactly this way, but you imply it. You imply that it is your job as a parent to NOT tolerate bad behavior in your home and around you. Over that, you have both power to stop it, and the responsibility to stop it.</p><p></p><p>Let me continue, please. Of course, we don't anticipate that we will have to cut our kids loose at 18, and in this society, we hope for the opportunity to provide them with support to get educated and prepare to be self-sufficient. And yes, at 17, I became self-sufficient economically and soon after that moved out and put myself through college. But even then, it was a big deal, and uncommon. (I am old.) </p><p></p><p>But the thing is, the mover and shaker here is your daughter. She is the one who is making choices that are incompatible with your continuing supporting her in the manner you'd hoped. She is doing this not you. This is where you've gotten confused. We as parents have to respond to reality, not to dreams, wishes, and fantasies. (I am the worst offender here. I have to be honest.)</p><p></p><p>I agree with the others about the car. No car. The accident is a problem. That she concealed it from you is even worse. Why in the world does she deserve the trust of driving your car, when she acts untrustworthily, irresponsibly, and disrespectfully? She doesn't. How is it that she merits an allowance from you when she doesn't meet your expectations about taking care of the house and complying with your rules?</p><p></p><p>I agree with you 100 percent. She has decided to live according to her rules and against your values and your expectations.. She is self-supporting. She needs to move out. End of story. That is what I think. And this is what you think too. It's just that you undermine yourself. You are writing the end of the story when it is only beginning.</p><p></p><p>People make themselves. That is what adulthood is. When kids become adults it's their power, decisions, psyches, actions, and motivation that determine their lives, not that of their parents. We've lost any control we had. Join the club. That is why all of us are here on this forum. Dealing with this.</p><p></p><p>We can continue to support them, after 18, if they go along with it. If they go to college or trade school and are diligent in their studies, and use the resources we give them responsibly and treat us with a minimal amount of courtesy if not respect. your daughter is doing none of these things. These are her decisions. Not yours.</p><p></p><p>To continue to support and sustain her when she is acting badly, in my opinion, would be bad parenting. (We've all done it, unfortunately, because we love them and we're afraid.) Continuing support, when they're off the rails is enabling bad behavior. (Again, we've all done it--and I'm among the worst. Why, when I know better? Because I love my son and I am afraid.)</p><p></p><p>She trashes your rules and your house. She's entitled. She's an unsafe driver. She causes conflict and agony. She embarrassed you and has no caring or consideration if you suffer or the family suffers. She is disrespectful. </p><p></p><p>Do you see, these are her decisions, not yours? This is her life, not yours.</p><p></p><p></p><p>She needs to worry about her life, not you. There is not one thing you can do right now to help her except help her be responsible for the consequences that she is engendering in her life. This would be responsible parenting. Getting out of the way and letting her be responsible for the life she is creating. And face the reality that every single one of us has to live with and accept: that our children may choose to make bad decisions and to live bad lives. (I hate to speak in moral terms, but to me, they fit.) And there is not one thing we can do to stop them.</p><p></p><p>Oh believe you me. If this plan worked, trying to stop them from living bad lives--I would tell you, because I have tried and tried and tried. And it never ever worked.</p><p></p><p>No. She is impossible to live with. She is choosing that. She is choosing to live in such a way that you can't have her there. When she chooses differently, you can consider a different arrangement.</p><p></p><p>So. Here we are full circle:</p><p></p><p>You can't make her live well and responsibly. She has to choose this. She may or she may not, eventually. But she's not now. You are obligated to see the reality of how she is living now. You are doing this. You are not causing trauma. She is not traumatized. She is an adult now, who gets to live as she chooses. The only person who is traumatized right now is you. You are responsible to stop the circumstances that are traumatizing you. That is the correct thing to do.</p><p></p><p>The only person that can save your daughter's life, is your daughter. You have told us. She does not listen to you. Your daughter is the only one that can cause herself to go towards a bad life. If she wants to do this, you can't stop her. There is nothing you can do or not do to stop her. We've all tried. It doesn't work.</p><p></p><p>By helping ourselves, we help our children. Helping ourselves means regaining control over our homes and our lives. It means centering ourselves in us, not them, and giving responsibility to our children to live their best lives. If you are a believer, I would say we turn over our children to G-d. With G-d, our children can help themselves to live good lives.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 760723, member: 18958"] Dear Fifi I am getting my quotes mixed up so let me just write it out. You are very, very wise. You ended your post with an exact summary of the place where we all are, where we start, when we come here, and where we regress to even after years of work and changing. This is what you say: This is the problem. Actually, there are several. You are ascribing responsibility and causality to you, not to her. You are punishing yourself for doing the right thing. You are creating a Catch 22 for yourself. What I mean is that you've put yourself in a straitjacket. If you proactively respond to her actions, attitudes, and conduct, in your mind you become responsible for all and any (imagined) consequences that she may come to in the course of her life. The thing is you are right, in so many ways. (At least in my opinion.) I will tell you the things I agree with. First, you don't say it exactly this way, but you imply it. You imply that it is your job as a parent to NOT tolerate bad behavior in your home and around you. Over that, you have both power to stop it, and the responsibility to stop it. Let me continue, please. Of course, we don't anticipate that we will have to cut our kids loose at 18, and in this society, we hope for the opportunity to provide them with support to get educated and prepare to be self-sufficient. And yes, at 17, I became self-sufficient economically and soon after that moved out and put myself through college. But even then, it was a big deal, and uncommon. (I am old.) But the thing is, the mover and shaker here is your daughter. She is the one who is making choices that are incompatible with your continuing supporting her in the manner you'd hoped. She is doing this not you. This is where you've gotten confused. We as parents have to respond to reality, not to dreams, wishes, and fantasies. (I am the worst offender here. I have to be honest.) I agree with the others about the car. No car. The accident is a problem. That she concealed it from you is even worse. Why in the world does she deserve the trust of driving your car, when she acts untrustworthily, irresponsibly, and disrespectfully? She doesn't. How is it that she merits an allowance from you when she doesn't meet your expectations about taking care of the house and complying with your rules? I agree with you 100 percent. She has decided to live according to her rules and against your values and your expectations.. She is self-supporting. She needs to move out. End of story. That is what I think. And this is what you think too. It's just that you undermine yourself. You are writing the end of the story when it is only beginning. People make themselves. That is what adulthood is. When kids become adults it's their power, decisions, psyches, actions, and motivation that determine their lives, not that of their parents. We've lost any control we had. Join the club. That is why all of us are here on this forum. Dealing with this. We can continue to support them, after 18, if they go along with it. If they go to college or trade school and are diligent in their studies, and use the resources we give them responsibly and treat us with a minimal amount of courtesy if not respect. your daughter is doing none of these things. These are her decisions. Not yours. To continue to support and sustain her when she is acting badly, in my opinion, would be bad parenting. (We've all done it, unfortunately, because we love them and we're afraid.) Continuing support, when they're off the rails is enabling bad behavior. (Again, we've all done it--and I'm among the worst. Why, when I know better? Because I love my son and I am afraid.) She trashes your rules and your house. She's entitled. She's an unsafe driver. She causes conflict and agony. She embarrassed you and has no caring or consideration if you suffer or the family suffers. She is disrespectful. Do you see, these are her decisions, not yours? This is her life, not yours. She needs to worry about her life, not you. There is not one thing you can do right now to help her except help her be responsible for the consequences that she is engendering in her life. This would be responsible parenting. Getting out of the way and letting her be responsible for the life she is creating. And face the reality that every single one of us has to live with and accept: that our children may choose to make bad decisions and to live bad lives. (I hate to speak in moral terms, but to me, they fit.) And there is not one thing we can do to stop them. Oh believe you me. If this plan worked, trying to stop them from living bad lives--I would tell you, because I have tried and tried and tried. And it never ever worked. No. She is impossible to live with. She is choosing that. She is choosing to live in such a way that you can't have her there. When she chooses differently, you can consider a different arrangement. So. Here we are full circle: You can't make her live well and responsibly. She has to choose this. She may or she may not, eventually. But she's not now. You are obligated to see the reality of how she is living now. You are doing this. You are not causing trauma. She is not traumatized. She is an adult now, who gets to live as she chooses. The only person who is traumatized right now is you. You are responsible to stop the circumstances that are traumatizing you. That is the correct thing to do. The only person that can save your daughter's life, is your daughter. You have told us. She does not listen to you. Your daughter is the only one that can cause herself to go towards a bad life. If she wants to do this, you can't stop her. There is nothing you can do or not do to stop her. We've all tried. It doesn't work. By helping ourselves, we help our children. Helping ourselves means regaining control over our homes and our lives. It means centering ourselves in us, not them, and giving responsibility to our children to live their best lives. If you are a believer, I would say we turn over our children to G-d. With G-d, our children can help themselves to live good lives. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
I found myself here because I made my daughter leave today and am now remorseful
Top