Hi Lil, so........what's changing about you? What are you doing differently? What kind of support are you assembling so you
can do things differently? Because I think you have well established here that what you have been doing is not working.
I had texted him about a job opening I emailed to him so I thought it was about that. Silly me.
Lil, why? You have stated clearly that there are plenty of jobs in town. Why are you still part of the job search? You know he is 19 years old and can find a job today if he wants to find one. It doesn't matter if the people aren't there, or the computer doesn't work or he has his ID or not, really Lil. What matters is that when he really wants to find a job---and not one minute before that time, no matter what you do----that is when he will find a job.
Everything else is just gibberish.
I've told him about jobs and he doesn't apply.
Right. So why are you still telling him about jobs? Every time you do that, you are also telling him: You can't do this by yourself obviously, so Mommy will have to help? What kind of message is that to him, this 19 year old man who you desperately want to become a man and start the road to taking care of himself?
all the while he's got me halfway to tears.
Lil. Don't answer his calls while you are at work. Period. If he is having an emergency, he can leave that information on your voice mail. No calls at work. Why do you want to keep on putting yourself though this? You have to make changes in yourself and your behavior, just like he does. You are way, way too engaged with him, Lil. I say this gently and kindly because I have been there done that, for way too long. My son is now 25. Do you want to be doing this for the next six years Lil? If you don't start making changes, you likely will be doing this for the next six years.
with all sympathy, I'm going to say you know waaaay to much about his job hunting. This is his process, not yours. All you care about is the end result. A job. You don't need to waste your short sweet life hearing about all the failures and the reasons, nor do you need to do the searching. He does. Stop looking for jobs for him. Stop telling him about openings. Stop hearing the explanations for why he doesn't have a job. Move on with YOU. He has to move on with him.
Try to disengage.
Lil, listen to Echo. This is 100 percent accurate. It's clear from your posts---read them back to yourself---and your own knowledge and experience with your son, that you have been doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. You know what that is, Lil. Your behavior is helping to keep the both of you mired in the mud. You're the seasoned adult, and once you know better, you can do better. You need to start the change, Lil.
I'm not quite sure how to go about that and still be aware of what he's doing to find work.
Lil, you'll know when he gets a job. You will know. And the fact that you don't know, means he hasn't gotten a job. He knows what to do to get a job. He doesn't need you coaching, checking and following up like you are doing. He knows what to do. He sees his friends doing it, Lil. Lil, he doesn't want a job bad enough yet.
The only way he will want a job badly enough to get one is not to have the things that money buys long enough to feel the deprivation. Assuming he really cares about those things, and you may find out how surprised you can be to learn that he will be happy with a whole, whole lot less than you could ever imagine.
Stop the flow of money Lil. And the car and any other privileges you have been bestowing upon him. In fact, one thing you can consider doing is taking the door off the hinges of his room, taking away all of his electronic devices and "screens" and leaving the mattress on the floor.
Many parents in our positions do this when their kids are still living at home, and the kid has to earn back these privileges of privacy and entertainment.
Lil, if you really want things to change with yourself, and with your son, you are going to have to do different things.
All this would be fixed if he got a job.
Sadly, I seriously doubt this is true. Lil, think about it. Not to awfulize, but getting a job is just the first step. Keeping the job is another thing entirely. My difficult child has been fired from so many jobs over the past four years. He has taught me the tough lessons about himself, once I was ready to wake up, start recognizing reality, and start accepting reality.
I was just like you are for a long, long time, and I so understand your desperate desire for your son to be okay and to do the same good things other young people his age are doing.
But Lil, it's not going to happen from any of the things you are doing.
The fact he doesn't have a job is HIS doing.
Yes it is. HIS doing, not yours. It has absolutely, 100 percent nothing to do with you. So let it go, Lil. Learn (and it takes learning from people like us, believe me) how to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. To do nothing and to say nothing, except: I'm sure you can figure that out honey. I love you. Hmmmmm.... Good luck.
Lil, disengaging, stopping enabling, detaching with love and accepting reality is the pathway to peace for you and for him. You love your son. He loves you. Do something different, and you both will be a lot happier.
Warm hugs. I care and I understand, and please, take what you like and leave the rest.