I hate this cycle of worry

[toughlovin]

I am really beginning to hate hate hate this cycle we are in. I can get to sleep ok, but when I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom I am having a hard time going back to sleep. I get what Nancy says when she says that death brings closure.... I don't want that at all but the living on the streets is awful too. I had the stark realization yesterday that on his current path there is a very good chance my son will die before I do. I mean I have realized that before but yesterday I realized the probabilties are not in his favor.

I hate knowing he is now hooked on opiates... We all know that if he isn't doing it already that he is headed into using heroin..... and that just feels unbelievable to me in a way. When I was young many of us experiemented with drugs, but definitely not heroin. It was somehow off limits.

I know there is nothing I can do but go on with my life and wait for him to hopefully want help. But it is hard to remember that in the middle of the night when all I want is peaceful sleep.

TL

 

[Calamity Jane]

TL,
The things that you and several other parents on this forum have to deal with on a daily basis are brutal, and no parent should ever have to endure this cycle of emotional torture. Of course it's hard to sleep - I'm just amazed that you can keep it together for easy child and husband and all your other responsibilities. Just know that you have the support and prayers of everyone here for your whole family. I wish there was something more tangible that could be done to let you know how much I care...but unfortunately, these words will have to suffice. Hugs in the meantime...

 

[lonelyroad]

I am sorry I don't know your whole atory, but my daughter suffers cycles of severe depression and when she goes down, its a two week of cycle of her being suicidal..
I am awake all night or I sleep in her room, worried about her staying safe...

My question to you is do you have a good counselloer to talk to? I have seen the same psycologist that my daughter does and she tells me this is normal, but not good for me, so tells me to get up, read a book, because once you wake up worrying, it is very hard to get back to sleep...

 

[buddy]

TL, is he still going to do the cross country thing? has that already started? I am just really sorry for the worry you suffer. I can't imagine, even with working on how to detach from his issues, you can help from worrying when it is a life threatening issue. I think the level you have reached is already huge and you are doing amazing in the process.... There is always hope but I can see how you have to also brace yourself and the thoughts are naturally going to come in at times. I am glad you continue to post. The other SA parents here are also so amazing and you are always so giving to all of us. Just want you to know I am here for you, even though I dont walk that road. I have family and friends touched by addiction and have an idea but not the perspective of a parent, that is entirely a unique experience. Always holding your hand in cyber space, you are a wonderful mom.

 

[Signorina]

Hey T, just lots and lots of {{{hugs}}}

 

[Nancy]

Just Tuesday in my parent meeting I shared the fact that I couldn't sleep at night and when I did finally fall asleep I would wake in a panic and I was so tired of not being able to sleep and thats all I wanted to do. I then declared that I was going to do whatever it took to not allow my difficult child to keep me from sleeping anymore. Of course I cried and several other mom's and one dad began crying too, remembering those days with their addicts and knowing it could all happen again at any moment. I felt embarrassed that I could even get through my few minutes of sharing without crying but they told me after that it helped them. I even had a young man who is in recovery come up and tell me that he needed to hear that so he never forgets what he did to his family.

I'm sorry you aren't sleeping TL. For me it's the cray wild thoughts I get i my head and the projections of what is going to happen and they go round and round and I just want to replace those thoughts with other thoughts and sometimes I just can't. You know it's in the quiet of the night that our heads play games with us. Once day comes and I can think clearer I am a little more calm but those nights are horrid.

There is no sense in telling you not to think about it because nothing I say will change your worry. I think after a while we get desensistized to some of it and I keep reminding myself that my not sleeping is not going to change anything.

Just sending hugs and hopes that you can find a way to sleep at night (without drugs lol). I told my husband it was a wonder I haven't resorted to taking drugs to help me sleep and if this is at all the way difficult child feels I almost understand why she takes drugs to forget.

Nancy

 

[Tiredof33]

I can usually sleep through the night but I wake up not wanting to get out of bed. It's safer there without having to face problems. Sometimes I feel like I am going into a panic attack.

I'm starting to develop hip problems but I can read and meditate on the bike at the gym, it also helps me to keep a journal (I tear it up after about a week or so). Yesterday I repotted plants and worked in the yard. I read The Secret and the emails help me to remain positive too. Try very hard to focus on YOU, not HIM.

My son was sleeping in the woods, I have no idea where he was getting food. They don't seem to be aware of how dangerous this lifestyle is.

Please stay busy, I know how hard that is because I loose all interest and energy during stressful times.
(((blessings ffor us all)))

 

[Signorina]

In the initial days when difficult child left in Sept, I didn't sleep. I tossed and turned all night, and I walked around my house in circles crying during the day. When i wasn't walking in circles, I was feverishly googling, checking my email for messages from him, looking for advice here. At 3pm, I'd clean up, paste a happy face on for the pcs, go to their games or xc races, make dinner and collapse. I dreaded bed time-I was afraid of getting a call in the middle of the night and I was dreading tossing and turning.

H finally took me by the hand after dinner and ran a shower for me and handed me the Tylenol pm and said "take one", take a shower, put on your softest pjs AND GO TO BED. You can't continue this...

So I did, 1/2 of a Tylenol pm at 8pm and I slept for 14 hours. I took another 1/2 the next night and a few nights after that. Knowing I would sleep was a huge relief. I took it again when he left in Jan.

I've had the same bottle of Tylenol pm since 2010-so its not habitual!

 

[pinevalley]

TL: I am so very sorry about your difficult child, and all the worry that he is causing you. I love the comment that Buddy wrote that we are holding your hand in cyber space. I like to think that we are all holding each others hands to support each other on this terrible journey of addiction. When my son first went to jail I was not able to sleep at night. I would lie awake for hours at night thinking that my difficult child was in danger and that there was nothing that I could do to help him. I was so upset and I was making myself sick with my constant worrying about difficult child. When I went to an FA meeting I told several members that I could not sleep at night. One person suggested that when I was lying awake with worry that I should try to replace my fear with faith. She said that every time I started to imagine all the horrible things that happen in jail I should just repeat the phrase "Fear to faith" over and over. I tried saying this phrase at night and it helped to get my mind off of my difficult child for a little bit. I just started thinking about the phrase "Fear to Faith" all the time as I repeated this phrase over and over. Of course FA also tells us to Let go and Let god. That is a lot easier said than done...

I am still holding your hand in cyber space. (((HUGS)))

 

[gabeach]

I am in the same cycle and we told our son he had to leave on Easter Sunday. He lives on the streets. He knows we will pay for him to spend the night in the salvation army but he does not choose to. I too, go to sleep but then wake up.

 

[exhausted]

I hear you TL. My anxiety about court and difficult child are keeping me in a horrible sleep pattern as well. And it does seem like that the nights are when my brain wants to sit and process and reprocess. To cope, I have tried keeping myself busy and then I get wound and have trouble calming myself. Have been considering trying melatonin as of late because I can't stay asleep. I am crabby and I can't seem to laugh anymore. Really trying to work on one day at a time and seeing anything positive I can.

A huge hug to you because I know you are double worried with your boy out there and homeless. My thoughts are with you.

 

[FlowerGarden]

I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. My mind races about wondering if difficult child is going to slide again and what is he going to do with his life. Signorita, I have found the Tylenol PM helps alot, too. Every so often, I take one just to get a really good night of sleep.

TL, hugs to you.

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks Everyone.... at least I am not alone. Guess I will think of all of you when I am awake in the middle of the night.....

Actually I am sleeping a little bit better.... but I am definitely still on edge. It is amazing how much better I sleep when I know he is safe in rehab.... hoping he gets himself somewhere this weekend but we shall see.

TL

 

[pasajes4]

For those of you doing the sleepless thing, rather than using tylenol p.m., try Benadryl or its generic. Tylenol is very hard on the liver. I used to stay up worring about mine and nothing changed for my difficult child. I was the one not functioning. When people feel the need to point the finger at my parenting, my response is,"The umbilicle cord was cut at birth and his choices are his ....not mine."

 

[GoingNorth]

The active ingredient in Tylenol PM is 50 mg of 'Benadryl'. lt is the usual ingredient on over the counter sleep aids.

 

[toughlovin]

Gosh I hate it when people assume that the problem is in the parenting and i am not sure how i would react if people pointed the finger at me and my parenting to my face. I think I might become unglued and give then an unadulterated piece of my mind.

I did sleep well last night... so I am getting to the part of the cycle where i am accepting that there is nothing I can do... still checking phone records some but having some good times with friends and less focused on him.

However that is what I hate about this cycle..I am doing better now, then he may go into some form of rehab and I will sleep really peacefully and well for awhile which is a blessing.... and then when and if he relapses and is homeless again I will again be worried and sleepless...... Ugh. I guess maybe I just have to accept one more thing and that this is my cycle with his relapses... and know that eventually I get to be ok and I will sleep.

TL