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Substance Abuse
I have lost my son for good I think
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 759952" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Hopeful Parent</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately our situations are quite similar. I am struggling with similar things. What I mean here is that while my son is not facing legal problems, his way of life is so damaging to me psychically, that I find being around him almost intolerable. Which brings me to the second similarity, how I struggle within myself to maintain hope--and have to battle despair. Actually, as I type this I am realizing that the two things are related. I think I find my son's presence so difficult because near him I can't maintain hope. The reality is too painful.</p><p></p><p>I want to add two more things. I was at the hospital today. I needed an EKG because I have chest pain which could be heart trouble. That's how bad this is getting for me. Because I am older they gave me a book related to elder abuse and elder's rights. When reading the book I was forced to recognize that my son's behavior is abusive to me. More and more so, as time goes on. Just like you describe. The yelling. The intimidation. Calling me names.</p><p></p><p>The other thing I want to add is this. I am saying this to you and I am saying this to myself. Hope is independent of anything. It's like faith. It is an attitude. It's not dependent on anybody or anything at all. I do believe our sons could change if they wanted, at 30, 40, 50 or 60. They don't want to. Sometimes I fear that my son is so damaged and limited by all that has gone on these past 10 years that he can't change. But I am wrong. He could change. He chooses not to. For now.</p><p></p><p>I too have great grief. Worse when I sleep and wake up. Grief and heartache. The hardest thing for me to accept is that there is NOTHING I can do to make him change, help him change, or accelerate his changing. I can only "help" him if I allow myself to be his victim (and how is this help?). And this I will no longer do, although I am deeply ambivalent about it. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes I fear I should sacrifice myself, but I know that would be a very wrong and immoral thing to do--to offer myself up as his victim. But that doesn't stop me (sometimes) from victimizing myself in my own head; for blaming myself that I do not do the things he wants.</p><p></p><p>This is the truth of the situation. I am totally powerless with respect to my son but I am not powerless in my own life. The same is true for you. There are days and weeks I can hold onto this. I feel happy and optimistic and free. Then he calls, and the gloom sets in. </p><p></p><p>I will try to be kind to myself. To remind me that very, very shortly the sun will return and the eclipse for me, and you, will end.</p><p></p><p>Our sons are separate people. They are grown, adult, middle-aged men. Let's let them be. Let's let them carry themselves and the circumstances they choose and the problems and consequences that they create. And let us be in our own lives.</p><p></p><p>Love, Copa</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 759952, member: 18958"] Dear Hopeful Parent Unfortunately our situations are quite similar. I am struggling with similar things. What I mean here is that while my son is not facing legal problems, his way of life is so damaging to me psychically, that I find being around him almost intolerable. Which brings me to the second similarity, how I struggle within myself to maintain hope--and have to battle despair. Actually, as I type this I am realizing that the two things are related. I think I find my son's presence so difficult because near him I can't maintain hope. The reality is too painful. I want to add two more things. I was at the hospital today. I needed an EKG because I have chest pain which could be heart trouble. That's how bad this is getting for me. Because I am older they gave me a book related to elder abuse and elder's rights. When reading the book I was forced to recognize that my son's behavior is abusive to me. More and more so, as time goes on. Just like you describe. The yelling. The intimidation. Calling me names. The other thing I want to add is this. I am saying this to you and I am saying this to myself. Hope is independent of anything. It's like faith. It is an attitude. It's not dependent on anybody or anything at all. I do believe our sons could change if they wanted, at 30, 40, 50 or 60. They don't want to. Sometimes I fear that my son is so damaged and limited by all that has gone on these past 10 years that he can't change. But I am wrong. He could change. He chooses not to. For now. I too have great grief. Worse when I sleep and wake up. Grief and heartache. The hardest thing for me to accept is that there is NOTHING I can do to make him change, help him change, or accelerate his changing. I can only "help" him if I allow myself to be his victim (and how is this help?). And this I will no longer do, although I am deeply ambivalent about it. Sometimes I fear I should sacrifice myself, but I know that would be a very wrong and immoral thing to do--to offer myself up as his victim. But that doesn't stop me (sometimes) from victimizing myself in my own head; for blaming myself that I do not do the things he wants. This is the truth of the situation. I am totally powerless with respect to my son but I am not powerless in my own life. The same is true for you. There are days and weeks I can hold onto this. I feel happy and optimistic and free. Then he calls, and the gloom sets in. I will try to be kind to myself. To remind me that very, very shortly the sun will return and the eclipse for me, and you, will end. Our sons are separate people. They are grown, adult, middle-aged men. Let's let them be. Let's let them carry themselves and the circumstances they choose and the problems and consequences that they create. And let us be in our own lives. Love, Copa [/QUOTE]
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I have lost my son for good I think
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