I haven't posted here since 2014

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jules71, Aug 26, 2019.

  1. TiredSoul

    TiredSoul Warrior Mom since 2007

    I had forgotten (again) about this board. I discovered it in 2007 before my son started Kindergarten. Posted for a few years and then found The B Team on Facebook in 2015. Haven't been too active there for the past couple of years either.

    My son is now 17. I pulled him out of public school to homeschool a couple months into 8th grade. He's starting his senior year. Not a lot has changed other than he's aged and grown. (So have I.) We went thru all ADHD medications, then several antidepressants. He's now unmedicated since nothing seemed to help very much. He's seen psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors. And yet here we are. I'm concerned for his future. I remember when I'd be stressing out about getting things under control before he turned 5 (you know what they say about the first five years). We now we have less than a year until he's an adult. I'm looking for some last ditch efforts to try to help him before then. He really isn't willing to talk to anymore counselors or get any further evaluations. He blames me for everything.

    Is there anyone else in the same boat? Who has literally tried everything and nothing has improved? Any success stories where they've gone on to mature after their prefrontal cortex completely develops and the behaviors have subsided? I'm just looking for some hope.
     
  2. TiredSoul

    TiredSoul Warrior Mom since 2007

    MODS - Please delete my post - I changed my mind. I'm not sure how to reach you. I did try to "report" my own post and put in comments to have it deleted, yet it's still here. Thank you.
     
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear TiredSoul

    I am just now seeing your thread. There are a number of mothers of sons here now who are dealing with the same kinds of things, myself among them. I hope you would consider staying. I am on the way out of the house now, but will check back later.
     
  4. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Ist there any history of alcoholism/addiction of any kind in your family? I am asking because I am learning more and more that often the problem is untreated alcoholism and the professionals have no treatment protocols for it .

    What I mean by untreated alcoholism are the isms of the disease: the restlessness, the discontent, the irritability, and the cognitive distortions (like black and white thinking, minimization, negative spiraling - Google these) . The allergy to alcohol that accompanies this disease in alcoholics is just a symptom, one that does not have to be present. Alcohol is not the problem , it is the alcoholic's solution to deal with the feelings that result from the disease.

    My daughter did therapy for years and got worse not better, has been on 4 anti depressants none of which worked , then convinced therapist and psychiatrist she had bipolar based on some things she did at college she felt shame about, and was put on mood stabilizer which also did not work. She is also reluctant to try another therapist as she has been through so much at 21 . And I believe she has untreated alcoholism. She has some addictive behaviors like self injury and eating disorders . That is why I think she hasn't been able to get help from conventional psychological care .

    Both , myself and her Father are Alcoholics / addicts in recovery for over 25 years and I think both of my kids were genetically exposed to the disease. Of course, my controlling and dependency creating parenting did not help matters at all .

    Alcoholism is a spiritual malady. And the only treatment that works long-term that I know of is a 12 step program. Your son could try Alateen if there is alcoholism in your family .

    The fact that your son blames you for everything is a sign that he has learned helplessness and isnt taking responsibility for his actions .when we point the finger at someone, we have 3 pointing back at us.

    Things improved in our home when I stopped accepting blame .I just cut it off and say I no longer accept blame and walk away. Because the bottom line is no matter how bad my parenting may have been , my son and daughter are adults now and responsible for their own lives. We can overcome anything, we can teach ourselves what our parents couldn't give us when we were Young, and my life is up to me.

    He is still a minor, so make him get a job, make him pay for all of his incidentals, help with the logistics of his own car, but let him make the payments, pay for insurance and gas. When he turns 18 charge rent . We have to break the cycle of created dependence by pushing for independence .
     
  5. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I know of one parent who said essential oils helped with her daughter's ADHD. I certainly think there is strong evidence of how essential oils help with headaches, anxiety, and sleep.
     
  6. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Message me, if the responses to your post still inspire you to delete your post then I will delete your post for you. Not the responses tho. You are in a difficult place and support can be helpful to others seeking support. I have also been in that place. Support was here was very helpful for me.
     
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I would say that my step-son who brought us here is doing fairly ok, at almost 27.

    He had a lot of difficulties in school, took drugs, and became intolerable to live with. He rotated between our house and his mom’s and various friends for a few years until everyone got tired of it and said no more. He eventually quit drugs and now has held a decent full time job for several years while drinking more than I would like of alcohol and smoking mj after work and sleeping on his mom’s floor on an air mattress.

    He is kind and pleasant to be around, has some decent friends and hobbies, and generally is doing ok. Not what we had hoped for, exactly, but we really don’t worry much about him anymore.
     
  8. TiredSoul

    TiredSoul Warrior Mom since 2007

    On my side: my father, and both of his parents. Also, my maternal grandfather. Suicide: grandfather's father.

    On husband's side: Maybe himself (doesn't drink but said he had a problem before we met). Not sure about his dad, he drinks a few beers everyday. Don't know about his grandparents.
     
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Just stopped by to let you know that your words will inspire others.
     
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is SOO very hard when they are almost adults and they know everything. It is hard to step back and let them fail or succeed on their own. Refusing to accept the blame, when they want to continue to blame us for decades more, is hard. It also mostly the right thing to do. As is expecting them to become fully functioning members of society. You cannot make him happy. The only person to do that for him is his very own self. You can refuse to support negative behaviors and to only allow responsibility or the choice of failure.

    How my parents handled my brother without help from a forum like this, I have NO idea. But they did. I won't say he is a fully functioning member of society. I can't say they are happy with him either. I CAN say that I am no longer in the middle and wanted by none and blamed by all. That is how it was when my bro was 17.

    With what I learned from here about NOT taking on responsibility for Wiz' actions, I was able to step WAY back from his behavior. He had to get a job. He liked most things about his job. So he kept it. And sort of without planning it, became a real adult.

    Somehow I ended up with 3 responsible, loving adult children. Who don't have real fights. Well, now and again they have a popcorn fight, but that is different. Esp when I refuse to clean it up, lol. By now they just automatically clean it up!

    If he does not have a job, or he skips it a lot, make sure he HAS to pay for some bills. Don't rescue him for 1-2 years when he falls down on these responsibilities. They are HIS to fix or succeed. The end results, if you stay out of it, will tell you a lot about what HE is CHOOSING. Adjust your behavior to allow him to fail. It sounds mean, but learning about the cold, cruel world out there without too much of a safety net, is really all you can do. If he refuses to become an adult, and you refuse to bail him out, he has to figure out something. Let him know you believe in him AND his ability to make it work on his own.

    I am not saying to totally throw him out of the nest. Just step back a few steps and think about what you want and how to get there. Mostly that does not involve too much support and security, or too much of anything on your part.

    I still swear by the Love and Logic books. They are just extremely helpful, or they were for me.